episode_0197

As the morning sun rose, I was heading to the well to get water for my mother to drink, but I stopped for a moment when I heard a sobbing sound coming from somewhere.

[Huh, huh… … . Sorry, sorry… … . please… … .]

The sobs were coming from none other than Mel’s room. I couldn’t have known without knowing. A mansion with only three people to begin with… … .

No, according to that damn amazing princess, she said it was a villa, but anyway. Isn’t there only one person besides my mother and me who can’t move?

I tried to swallow the sigh that was about to burst out and looked at Mel’s door. It’s hard to believe that someone who was unable to speak out of guilt until recently has suddenly become so broken.

Did I feel that much guilt? Or did the emotions pass the critical point and the pus-like emotions inside suddenly burst out?

“… … .”

Honestly, it didn’t matter either way. I guess it was good. To put it bluntly, I even thought it looked good. okay. I thought so until a few days ago.

[Ah, ugh… … . Ugh… … !]

It’s already been a week. Mel was sobbing without skipping a day for a week, but listening to it put a lot of mental strain on me as well.

Just like back then… … It was because I felt like I had returned to the life of a street vagabond, wandering the alleys, begging, hitting people on the back and stealing their food.

Even in the back alley where I was, I could hear sobbing every day. No, it was better to hear the sobbing.

People who were really struggling didn’t have the energy to cry, so they just lay there as if they were dead.

“… … Tsk. Only useless memories came to mind.”

Frowning at the old memories passing through my mind, I sighed and headed to the well. While I was fetching water, I washed my face with bone-chillingly cold water.

Feeling that my mind had cleared to some extent, I passed by Mel’s door again to give the water I had brought to my mother, and bit my lip as Mel’s sobs were still escaping from the room.

[Huh… … . Ugh… … !]

“Why on earth are you doing that? … .”

okay. I also knew that what happened that day was not solely Mel’s fault.

However, knowing that did not mean that he could accept the betrayal by someone he trusted and what happened to him that day.

Oh yeah. It wasn’t your will. are you okay. You had no choice but to do that. It was not something that could be justified or accepted by saying that.

Because I am just an ordinary person. Because she was not a saint from mythology or the Bible.

“What did you do well… … .”

rape.

No matter how drugged I was, even if it was not my intention, it was something that should never have happened no matter what, and that is why I could never forgive or have no desire to forgive.

Even the vagabonds in the back alleys didn’t do that. No, maybe they just didn’t have the energy to do it… … .

“Tsk.”

Anyway, I have absolutely no intention of compromising on what happened that day.

I probably won’t forgive you even if my whole life goes by. No matter how I can forget over time, I will never be able to forgive Mel.

but… … . If you’re suffering like that, considering the debt you owe me for helping me so far, wouldn’t it be okay to at least listen to my story even if you don’t forgive me?

“First, I have to bring water first.”

okay. I guess we can at least talk. With that in mind, I headed to the room where my mother was lying.

I thought I would have a chat with Mel once I got the water.

* * *

-It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did that because you were drunk too. If you say it well, Mia, she will understand. It’s been very difficult so far.

-It was all that kid’s fault. Why didn’t you stop me harder then? Why don’t you understand? Why am I avoiding you? It was all that kid’s fault.

―Rather than suffer so much, I would rather commit it. The kid can’t escape from here anyway. I won’t leave you Cover it. At that time, I couldn’t feel it properly because of the medication. Don’t you want to enjoy the vivid feeling with a sane mind?

-Don’t forget what happened that night. Because everything happened because you chose it. It’s your fault. Why did you do that? Did you feel good about the body of the child you regarded as your daughter? A monster who was drunk on drugs and raped a child. Not even human. What’s the difference between you and those pigs in the brothel?

I hear voices that affirm me, voices that blame others, voices that stimulate my primal desires, and voices that touch my guilt.

All four voices were mine. Me as a child, me as an adult, me on drugs, and… … . Me now.

-It’s okay to give up. -If only I hadn’t drank wine back then. -The kid looked really happy. ―What a trashy year. You are not qualified to raise a child.

“Please… … . Please stop… … .”

Even if I covered my ears, I could still hear the voice. Even when I opened my eyes, the visions that flickered before my eyes tormented me, and when I closed them, the visions became clearer and strangled me.

It didn’t miss a day, didn’t rest even for a moment, and even when I was sleeping at night, it appeared in the name of a nightmare, stopping me and killing me.

―… … . ―… … . ―… … . ―… … .

“Ah… … . Ahhh… … !!”

I felt like my head was going to explode. I felt sick and my eyes were spinning. It’s definitely not due to simple lack of sleep.

Ah, it would have been better if I could have died. I wish I could decide one way or the other… … . rather–… … .

smart–

At that time, the clear and distinct sound of a knock on the door was heard piercing through the four whispers.

At the same time, the sound that had been bothering me disappeared like a ghost. one week… … . No, it was the silence I felt ten days after I first heard the voice.

It was not a silence that felt like I was just keeping my mouth shut, but a true silence in which there was no sound left except for the knocking sound from a moment ago, and I felt a tremendous sense of liberation.

No, now is not the time. I suddenly came to my senses and opened my mouth, swallowing dry saliva.

“… … Who are you?”

It must be lost. After I exhaled, I remembered that there were only me, Mia, and Mia’s mother in the villa, and I touched my forehead.

Mia’s mother is unable to move, so it’s probably Mia.

[…] … It’s me. It’s Mia.]

Sure enough, what came from beyond the door was Mia’s voice speaking in an awkward tone. It was definitely not an auditory hallucination.

The reason I feel awkward is probably because I asked a stupid question. I slowly got out of bed and opened the door. Mia was standing there with the same face as usual.

“… … .”

Mia was looking at me with eyes that looked somewhat uncomfortable. As I was looking at Mia blankly, I remembered that my current condition was not normal and quickly tried to tidy myself up.

My hair was dull, my skin was rough, my cheeks were saggy and my clothes were a mess because I hadn’t eaten or slept well for 10 days.

As I was so flustered and unable to figure out where to start from, Mia pushed me and said,

“Come to your senses and go sit over there. Because it’s not a story that needs to be talked about for a long time.”

“Ah, ah. huh… … . okay… … .”

After trying to come to my senses by Mia’s words, I nodded absentmindedly and sat down in an appropriate seat, and Mia sat opposite me.

Suddenly, I wondered if this too was a nightmare, so I pinched the back of my hand and the inside of my thigh, trying to regain my sense of reality through the pain.

“Your condition looks very bad these days. Why are you doing this?”

Ah, I have to answer. Answer, I have to answer.

I tried to choose an appropriate answer in my head to answer Mia’s sudden question, but the afterglow of ten days of auditory hallucinations still lingered strongly and prevented me from speaking.

“Ah, that’s… … . I, no I… … .”

I took a few deep breaths while speaking and tried to convey what had happened to me, what I wanted to say to Mia, and my apology for what happened that day… … .

“I was thinking about what I did wrong to you, and then suddenly I heard hallucinations in my head. Maybe it was because of the guilt of that day, but now I even hallucinate… … . Phew… … . And I keep having nightmares at night, and I also hear auditory hallucinations, and I think it’s probably because of that incident. I know I was so wrong, but it’s――”

The words that were jumbled together in my head were so disjointed that even their original meaning had faded.

As I continued speaking, Mia’s expression became more subtle, and then she frowned and bit her lip. As if feeling guilty.

Yes, I understand why Mia reacts like that. Even though I said it, I was rambling like a person under the influence of drugs.

“… … The condition is much more serious than I thought.”

Mia said that and sighed. I couldn’t answer because I realized in the middle of speaking that I couldn’t go any further and kept my mouth shut.

Mia, who was quietly thinking about something with her eyes downcast, shook her head and stood up.

“I’m fine. I won’t forgive you, but I will overcome what happened that day and live on. Live without suffering anymore. It may be difficult, but that’s your business, so I won’t interfere.”

“Ah… … .”

“Don’t be mistaken. Because this is absolutely not forgiveness. What I’m saying is live your whole life in atonement, but don’t suffer from guilt like you do now.”

Mia said that and walked towards the door. At that moment, I trembled with goosebumps running up my spine.

Because I felt like I was hearing something inside my head.

―… … .

No, it wasn’t an illusion. Indeed, it was coming again.

The whispers that had given me horrendous nightmares for ten days were trying to sound in my head again.

“Why… … ?”

Why did I start hearing it again? Why, I thought it was finally gone? Why?

“If someone living in the same mansion was sobbing every day, wouldn’t it be bad for your mother? Anyway, with this I repay the debt you owed me for rescuing me from the back alley.”

The moment Mia’s voice was heard, the sound disappeared again.

Only then did I know. Why am I hearing this voice? How do I make this voice disappear?

“Then I will go to my mother. Think of the rest on your own.”

―… … . ―… … . ―… … .

The moment I started hearing those whispers again, I grabbed Mia’s arm without realizing it.

“… … What are we going to do?”

Like the day I drank wine laced with drugs.

Without knowing how wrong it was.