episode_0127

Time passes and it is deep into the night.

I hugged Hermel, who had become warm after washing him with warm water, and laid him down on the bed.

“Phew… … . Washing someone is also work… … .”

It was even more difficult than usual because I wasn’t even washing someone who was awake, but someone who was completely unconscious.

If the other person wasn’t Hermel, I would have just thrown myself on the bed and slept without worrying about whether or not I would catch a cold from the sweat.

As I looked down at Hermel, who was sleeping soundly, I pressed his cheek, feeling somewhat annoyed that he was sleeping soundly without knowing that I was having a hard time.

“Muuuh… … .”

Hermel frowned slightly and turned his head back and forth, and I stared at him blankly before removing my finger from Hermel’s cheek.

Then, Hermel muttered for a moment and soon after I took my hand away, he continued to sleep with a relaxed expression on his face.

“You look comfortable.”

Hermel was sleeping with a very comfortable face, like a baby sleeping in his mother’s arms.

That face looked so comfortable that all the tension on my part as I looked at it melted away.

“Love… … . Ira.”

I quietly sat by Hermel’s bedside, remembering the words he shouted.

It’s not that I don’t know the feeling of love. You can’t not know. In the past, I was just one person. 17 deaths, have you never loved before?

Of course, the opponents were all women, but that part was really unavoidable. No matter how many times I live as a woman, maintaining my identity is a man’s.

I shook my head, sighed softly, and straightened Hermel’s hair.

“I thought it was all useless… … .”

A love that cannot come true and an environment where love cannot come true.

As time passes, my faith in people disappears, and all my efforts disappear like bubbles at the moment of death.

One way or another, the only options given to me were either giving up or accepting.

“But now it’s like this――”

I smiled bitterly and patted Hermel’s head as he slept soundly.

Hermel’s soft, fluffy hair gave off a pleasant rose scent.

“Hehe… … .”

Hermel turned over and lay down, laughing, wondering what was so good, and I quietly lowered my eyes as I looked at Hermel.

If I leave everything like this and remain by Hermel’s side, will I be happy?

If I give up everything, revenge and all, and be with Hermel, will I be satisfied with that?

Can I live by turning my eyes away from reality, closing my ears, and only looking at Hermel’s voice and face?

“Haha… … .”

Even though I got what I wanted so much, I couldn’t be happy. How ruined am I?

If I give up everything, I won’t be able to exist as myself anymore.

If I give up revenge, I will lose my purpose in life and become a doll with only eyes on Hermel.

If you turn your eyes away from reality and close your ears, one day you will hold Hermel’s hand and die a comfortable death together in a kingdom that will be arbitrarily destroyed.

And, I’ll be starting all over again, all by myself.

Can I accept it? Let alone me, can I accept Hermel being destroyed along with me?

Could it be possible to watch Hermel become defiled by their hands and eventually hang himself to death, just like I did back then?

No, I can’t stand it.

He will certainly be completely broken, completely abandoning even the slightest trace of humanity he has left, and turning into a monster that only pursues death.

no… … . Maybe it gets broken for some other reason.

‘If not… … .’

Shall I bring Hermel down to my side?

If you make me look only at me… … . Will you be happy then?

Will Hermel, who became the princess of a ruined country, smile by my side even then? No, would you even look at me?

‘I don’t really need anything like a king… … ! As long as I have Charles, that’s enough… … !!’

Hermel’s words came to mind, but I shook my head and denied it.

Even if Hermel said so, there is a difference between giving up the throne and destroying a kingdom.

It is said that if you break its wings and put it in a cage, the bird that cannot fly will die looking up at the sky. If I were to remain by Hermel’s side, it would end up like that, even if I didn’t like it.

‘Of course, I don’t like that.’

So, isn’t it no different from Sarah and Mel? I don’t like that.

I know it’s selfish, but I want Hermel to be Hermel.

I hope you always smile brightly and happily. I don’t want you to become a broken person like me, unable to express your feelings properly.

“Hermel.”

“Ugh… … .”

When I called his name softly, Hermel hesitated and turned to me.

I didn’t wake up. On the slightly exposed collarbone and nape of the neck, the marks that had been carved earlier had bloomed into red flowers.

To me, the hickey seemed like a stain staining Hermel, not a sign that Hermel was mine.

“… … .”

The jumbled thoughts were quickly organized and converged into one point.

I have finished clearing my mind.

“I’m sorry.”

After confirming once again that Hermel was completely asleep, I slowly let out the words I had kept in my heart.

“I am. I want to destroy this world. Everything, everything is disgusting. I want to completely destroy it without leaving anything behind.”

Even so, if I die, I will return to the beginning, but whatever. That’s something to think about later.

“At first, it was just a thought that passed through my mind for a brief moment.”

Why do I have to go through this? Why do I have to die? Why do the other guys look happy? why why why.

That was the question at first.

“But it piled up and piled up. It soon became a part of me.”

I don’t want to die. I want to live. I want to survive. I want to be happy.

Those natural emotions piled up.

Since we failed this way last time, let’s try differently this time. Since someone died last time, let’s focus on taking care of that person.

I moved my body believing that even I, the villain, could have a happy ending. No, after several deaths, I realized that the happy ending was just a sweet lie. Still, I had no choice but to cling to that damn happy ending.

Because that was the only way to survive. The moment I denied it, I would have been completely broken.

But I eventually realized it. After turning your eyes away from the truth and running away from reality, you realize that there is no such thing as paradise.

“Do you know that it is the ship of Theseus?”

I realized that I could never have a happy ending if I had become the villain in the game, and from then on, I began to erase ‘me’ little by little and fill in its place with ‘me’.

Give up hope. Give up your expectations. Let go of your ideals. Even my emotions were erased.

In its place, he filled it with malice and engraved doubt.

As I experienced death and the number of regressions increased, I became more and more broken and eventually let go of ‘me’ in order to protect ‘me’.

Doubts lead to selfishness, selfishness leads to stubbornness, and stubbornness leads to destruction.

I don’t need a world where I can’t survive.

In the end, if I have to die, I will kill as many people as I can before I die.

If I die anyway, I’ll start over from the beginning, so shouldn’t I be able to do whatever I want?

Contrary to what I warned Ceria, I began to think of this world as a game.

“No, that’s enough. What am I talking about… … .”

I just said useless things. I laughed bitterly, sighed, and shook my head.

Once this guy’s thoughts and mouth open, they pour out endlessly.

“Ha… … .”

Clean everything up. In the end, that’s what I want to say.

“I will not give up on revenge.”

I can’t stop. We’ve come too far to stop now.

There are so many people who have been ruined because of me.

I don’t deserve to be happy… … .

“But I don’t want to turn you into a monster like me.”

If you join me, you will surely see the end of this world. You’ll be drowning in the mud like me.

I don’t have the confidence to see that. I can’t bear to see you suffer.

therefore.

“Someday, you will stop me.”

I’ll create a perfect happy ending just for you.

I will take all your pain, sadness, and pain and leave with you.

What… … . A lot will be broken in one way or another, and the kingdom will collapse. There is no way I can do anything about that part.

I smiled bitterly and lightly kissed Hermel’s forehead.

“Thank you. For loving someone like me.”

After saying what I really wanted to say, I smiled bitterly and used beginner healing to erase the kiss marks left on Hermel’s body.

Neck, clavicle, inner thighs and stomach. I erased all traces I left behind. Finally, I carefully erased any traces of myself from Hermel’s memory.

The task of overwriting memories was simple. Because it was something I had already done so many times that I was sick of it.

I, who had left small hints that could make me doubt myself in every memory, smiled faintly after confirming that Hermel’s memory had been completely overwritten.

“You should be happy.”

I covered Hermel with a blanket to prevent him from catching a cold, then got up and went outside.

Whether I walked with Hermel or along the trail, I slowly built up my strength.

I gathered my strength and applied memory manipulation to the entire academy like I did then. It made me forget about my relationship with Hermel.

“Now this is the end… … .”

After I finished manipulating all the memories, I gritted my teeth and clutched my chest, which felt like it was being stabbed by a knife.

Why does my heart hurt so much? It’s not like I used a curse in the morning and there was a backlash.

“Ah… … . eww… … .”

My heart ached so much.

“Ah… … ! iced coffee… … !!”

The pain until now was nothing. It hurt so much. It hurt so much that I couldn’t find any way to express it other than words.

Even though I gritted my teeth, a moan escaped me. It was painful to even stand, so I collapsed. I wanted to say I was sorry, but I couldn’t say anything. It felt like someone was strangling my neck.

My face was hot. I felt as if my face had been thrown into a pit of fire.

“Black… … . Sigh… … .”

You don’t want to turn me into a monster like me? Do not be ridiculous. I didn’t want to become this monster either… … !!

I also wanted to live a normal life like everyone else. I also wanted to smile, make friends, and live a normal academy life!!

But, this world won’t leave me alone… … . What else should I have done here!!

“Me too, to a certain extent… … . It’s okay to be happy… … !”

no. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be forgotten. I want to stay with Hermel a little longer.

I want to go to the sea together.

In fall, I want to take a walk while looking at the autumn leaves.

In winter, I want to hold hands and walk down the snowy streets.

I know it’s selfish. I know that I can’t have everything in my hands. But but me too… … .

“God… … . Please, let me start this episode again… … ! I don’t want to die anymore… … !! I really, really feel like I’m going to break down… … . Any more than this, I… … !”

I looked up at the sky and shouted my last wish, a wish that would never come true. Again, nothing happened.

okay. I didn’t even expect it from the beginning. Because this world hates me. That’s probably why the real protagonist was included in this episode. That’s probably why this episode made me so happy.

Because I know I can’t hold on any longer. Because I know that I will take my happiness away with my own hands.

A small thudding sound. Was it the sound of tears flowing down my cheeks and falling to the ground? Or was it the sound of my heart breaking, with only a handful left?

“Ha… … .”

okay… … . This is what happens in the end.

No problem. Now, I think it’s a good story.

“Good… … . I’ll dance the way you want. but… … . I will decide the protagonist of this work.”

I wiped away the tears that fell as I remembered Hermel, and stood up.

There was no more hesitation. That’s right――

Because I am the villain in the game.