The Essence of an Author

Jin Shian’s face, who said that the reason for his existence was simply to be a speaker delivering information, showed no signs of despair. Rather, he was smiling as if he was enjoying it, which made me dumbfounded and I asked.

,Are you satisfied with that…? That your entire life was for the purpose of giving me information… You can accept that so easily?

If I were in Jin Shian’s shoes, I would have definitely denied it, despaired, and been angry. But to my question, Jin Shian laughed even louder. I could tell from that bright smile that it wasn’t an act or a trick.

Jin Shian placed his hand on my chest with a truly joyful expression.

,Finding the reason for one’s existence is a human instinct. Only a very small number of people find the right answer among them. Most people only find out after they die. Can I accept the meaning of my existence? Of course! Do people who are hit and killed by a drunk driver while walking down the street for no reason, or people who are suddenly struck by lightning, exist only for a futile ending? Is the life of an extra who doesn’t appear in a novel just a dummy that exists to fill the world?

Jin Shian tapped my chest with his hand, conveying what he believed in with a clear expression.

,Even if the reason for existence is just an extra filling the background, life goes on. You know best that the reason for existence alone doesn’t explain all of life, just like the members of the Messiah club who didn’t appear in the novel are intertwined with you to create a new story, right?

I know. It was a problem I had pondered countless times. If I hadn’t possessed Ross, would their existence be meaningless? As one of the many academy students appearing in the novel, would they just exist and disappear like that?

After a long deliberation, I came to a conclusion. No. A person has value in existence just by being alive. Even if I hadn’t been there, the Messiah members would have lived their own lives. Most people don’t leave their names to posterity. Just because no one remembers the names of the people who walked the streets of Seoul 100 years ago doesn’t mean their existence was meaningless.

Doesn’t everyone learn from a young age that not everyone can be the main character?

,To me, who had lost everything, was kicked out of the world, and had been playing the observer in the outskirts of the outer universe for the rest of my life…!!! You can’t imagine how happy I am that a crucial role I hadn’t noticed until now existed from the beginning.

I inadvertently met his gaze. It was only after meeting Jin Shian’s gaze that I could realize something. Ross, the one who craved, had been searching countless times for the reason for his existence. The craving for existence, which was very old and given from birth, was now resolved. Only pure joy at finding the answer remained for Jin Shian.

,How can I not be satisfied with becoming a speaker who can save the world with just one line of information, like us who created the foundation of the world with just one line of text: ‘There was a very beautiful continent’!

Jin Shian, who had been spreading his arms and shouting exaggeratedly like a theater actor, erased his smile and placed his hand on my shoulder.

,But I am Ross, the one who craves, and I have no intention of being remembered as just a simple speaker. So from now on, I will intervene to the best of my ability in my role. Because this must be a clear destiny.

The twitching of Jin Shian’s eyebrows felt ominous for some reason. The moment I tried to subtly pull my body back, I saw one corner of Jin Shian’s mouth twisting.

,Now it’s time to break free from the Saintess’s constraints and find the essence of the author.

Jin Shian’s hand, imbued with magic, pushed against my chest. Clearly, Jin Shian’s hand pushed me, but I lost consciousness with a feeling of being sucked into his palm.

*

I woke up to the sound of rattling chains. What I saw was an endlessly dark world with rain falling. Perhaps it was winter rain, as my body, feeling the cold, trembled.

When I brushed back the bangs that were wet and obscuring my vision, I saw someone sitting alone on the floor, facing away from me and getting rained on, since who knows when. Even without seeing his face, I felt like I knew who the person in front of me was just by looking at his back.

,Ross…?

At my question, the person who was getting rained on turned his head over his shoulder. The moment I met his gaze, I had no choice but to swallow. Ross was wearing a strange-looking mask that I had seen sometime before. Could this place be the same as the mental world I saw in Nelson’s snow globe?

,Long time no see.

At Ross’s gloomy answer, I tried to approach but stopped walking. I felt a strong sense of incongruity.

Jin Shian said that the Ross inside me was fake. Ross, the ‘friend’ who told me to become a hero, was a safety device created by the Saintess, and the real purpose was to hide the ‘essence’ trapped inside me.

Then is the one over there the fake Ross? Or is it my true essence that the Saintess hid so that we wouldn’t meet? Before sending me here, Jin Shian told me to find my essence. Could it be that the masked Ross is…

Memories scatter like puzzle pieces in my head. One by one, the puzzle pieces fall into place in the picture I had in mind. If everything the masked Ross had said was true, then the reason why Ross’s synchronization rate had dropped would also be explained.

I slowly opened my mouth to the masked Ross, who was looking straight at me.

,…A mask is an object to hide the face.

,You’re starting with a nonsensical statement.

,If you’re really Ross, there’s no need to hide your face with a mask.

There was no answer. Then I have no choice but to continue the story.

,Ross, the one who craves, said that the Ross I first met was a fake created by the Saintess. From the beginning, Ross was mixed with Jin Shian’s soul as one. Then I thought about what you, whom I met after that, were. You saved me when I was about to have my body taken over by the demon Urakus. At the same time, you mentioned that Urakus was a dummy created thanks to plausibility. Could Ross, who was a character in the novel, really figure out plausibility?

,I just read your memories.

I shook my head. I wiped away the rain coming into my eyes with my hand and continued speaking.

,I thought you were Ross, who was consumed by the chaos created by the cult leader’s trap. But you said this: that the order was wrong, that the cult leader’s trap was not you.

,…Did I say that?

I answered confidently.

,Yes, so I thought about it. If everything you said was really true, what would happen to the story? After a long period of deliberation, I was able to find the answer in the conversation we had at our first meeting. You had subtly scattered many clues so that I could guess your identity.

I bit my lip. I continued speaking as if spitting out the breath that was choking in my throat.

,At our first meeting, I doubted everything around me, and I denied your suggestion to lightly kill people. Then you answered like this: ‘This is our true heart.’ I denied you even more at that statement and pushed you away. Because I was sure that my true heart would never do that.

It hadn’t been long since I came here, but the endlessly pouring rain made my whole body wet. The wet clothes took away the warmth, and my body was shivering uncontrollably from the cold. When I think about how hard it must have been for another me wearing a mask to be alone in such a cold and lonely place, I naturally clench my fists.

,Isn’t it strange? How can I be so sure? How can I deny your words and be so sure, when I, who shed tears and writhe in guilt over the tragedy that happened with a line of text written without any thought?

The other me wearing a mask just looked straight at me without any answer. Just like a person who was listening to the story without any movement. I sighed. I knew now. How I could be so sure. Why I reacted so violently to seeing the tragedy that happened in the world I created.

,…Because you are the madness and chaos that the author Jin Shian had. I, who don’t have that, had no choice but to be sure. That I am not like that.

Cracks begin to appear in the mask. Watching the mask crumble and flow down with the rain, I concluded my words with a voice that gradually became closer to self-deprecation.

,No, actually… I was afraid that my true heart might really be like that.

The mask that had been flowing down completely collapsed and fell off his face. Ross’s blonde hair gradually became black as it got wet in the rain. Another me, who raised his hand and swept his face once, gave a faint smile.

,Yes, I am your madness and chaos. I am also a paradoxical existence created by the contradiction of the creator that the author has. That’s why the Saintess separated me from you. Unlike you, I only looked at the world through letters. The creator’s choice is a huge mass of contradictions for the creation.

The identity of another me was the essence of the author that Jin Shian had. An author who writes for fun, for satisfaction, and for various reasons does not feel guilty about his writing. That is natural. An author who feels guilty about the imagination in his head is mentally ill.

Imagination is free for everyone, and the author is not responsible for what happens in the imagination. That’s why the Saintess excluded the essence of the author from me. Because I might sacrifice people carelessly only for the ending, and treat the world as just a novel and treat the characters as just letters.

Perhaps it was because there was a Ross in another universe who proceeded with the story in that way. One thing is certain, the Saintess took measures to prevent me from obtaining the essence of the author.

Although the awareness that I am an author exists, the essence of the author, who accepts the tragedy unfolding before my eyes as a story, did not exist. By excluding the essence of the author from me, the Saintess made me feel regret and guilt for the people who were sacrificed in the flow of the novel.