Quagmire

I headed to the academy’s main gate, right on time for our pre-arranged meeting. Today was the day Ellie and I had promised to go on a date. Dating my childhood friend, who’s also my brother’s girlfriend, while having a lovely girlfriend of my own… It’s a weird feeling to describe. One thing’s for sure, the emotion I’m feeling isn’t excitement, but rather a taut sense of tension.

It might sound like an excuse, but my date with Ellie wasn’t just to satisfy my physical desires. It was to confirm the truth of my suspicions and to put an end to our ambiguous relationship. How it will end, to be honest, I don’t really know.

When I arrived at the main gate, Ellie was already there, having arrived earlier, wearing light makeup. Dressed in a beige shirt and a short skirt, Ellie looked even more attractive than usual, not overly done up. But I know the truth now. I know what value I hold in Ellie’s eyes. I sighed softly and approached her with quick steps.

“Sorry, did you wait long?”

Ellie adjusted the strap of her bag on her shoulder and gave me a pretty smile.

“No, I just got here myself.”

It sounded like an ordinary conversation between lovers. We walked side by side towards the capital’s streets. Our paces didn’t quite match, so I was mindful of it as I walked.

On the way to the famous restaurant, our destination, Ellie chatted endlessly, keeping the conversation going. I’d noticed it before, but Ellie was quite skilled at leading conversations, perhaps because she was quick-witted. Also, it might be because I was trying to keep the conversation flowing too. Small talk is more comfortable than getting to the heavy stuff. As the conversation continued, I forgot my tension and listened to Ellie with a pleasant feeling.

Even after arriving at the restaurant, our conversation didn’t stop. While eating, Ellie amusingly recounted the events of the triathlon, explaining things I didn’t know. I responded appropriately and listened to Ellie’s words. After finishing our meal, we naturally moved on to a cafe. Before I knew it, Ellie had linked her arm with mine, but I pretended not to notice and didn’t mind.

The place we headed to was a cafe with sofas where you could stretch out your legs like on a bed. Thanks to its beautiful interior, it was popular, using an entire four-story building in the expensive capital. Inside, there were many couples holding hands tightly and pressing their bodies close. Some couples were even kissing without a care in the world. In their eyes, we probably looked like the same kind of couple.

After ordering our drinks and sitting down, Ellie naturally lay down comfortably next to me. Wherever the distance between us had gone, she smiled brightly and, as if it were natural, said, “You lie down comfortably too,” grabbing my shoulder and pulling me down.

The sweet strawberry scent from her touch lingered around my nose. Led by her touch, I leaned back comfortably on the sofa, and Ellie wriggled her body, naturally pressing herself against me. Her soft, warm skin beyond the clothes made its presence known. It was just a touch, but the area where we touched felt hot, as if burned. I couldn’t tell if it was unpleasant or joyful, my stomach churned. I glanced sideways and saw Ellie looking at me with a happy smile.

“I’m glad our relationship has gotten back to how it used to be, thanks to the triathlon. It was a bit awkward for a while.”

She thinks it’s a good thing? We chose to distance ourselves for each other’s sake. An ambiguous relationship would obviously harm those around us. I believed that Ellie had agreed to my suggestion. Until she started acting friendly with me again, as if nothing had happened.

I asked with a curious expression.

“Do you miss how it used to be?”

Ellie pouted her lower lip as if contemplating. Her jet-black eyes, contrasting with her flawless white skin, looked even more attractive. Her long eyelashes fluttered along her slightly lowered eyelids.

“Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe now is better. But I do miss it a little.”

Saying that, Ellie brushed her hair behind her ear and added with a smile.

“What about you, Ross?”

“I don’t have any memories of the past, so I don’t have a choice.”

“That’s right. Sorry…”

With an apologetic expression, Ellie pulled my arm tightly into her embrace, resting her forehead on my forearm. I thought about pulling my arm away, but I just endured it. I had decided to let Ellie have her way today. But the soft sensation of her embracing my arm was a bit tormenting. Could she have forgotten that she has a boyfriend? This time, I asked.

“How’s it going with hyung-nim?”

Ellie’s brow furrowed ever so slightly.

“Yeah, it’s exactly as I expected. Roel oppa loves me so much. He’s the perfect boyfriend, like something out of a novel.”

“That’s a relief, then.”

But her expression after hearing my answer wasn’t a good one. It was a face that seemed to convey boredom. Feeling a sense of unease, I looked at Ellie questioningly. Ellie took a sip of her coffee and muttered in a slightly lower voice.

“If I want comfort, he comforts me, and if I want to have fun, he makes me happy. It’s just… exactly as I expected, so Roel’s reactions are too predictable.”

“You don’t like that?”

I’ve seen many women who say that nice guys are boring. I’ve always wondered if it’s not a contradiction to like bad boys while expecting them to be nice and devoted to you, but maybe women’s brains are wired a bit differently.

“It’s not that I dislike it… it’s just not fun. Sometimes, I wish he’d give me a 4 when I expect a 3, but he always gives me exactly 3, like it’s the right answer. In that sense, Ross is fun. Sometimes he gives me a 6 when I expect a 4, and sometimes he gives me a normal 4. I guess you could say it’s fun because it’s hard to predict?”

“…So comfort is boring?”

Ellie shook her head at my question.

“It’s different from that.”

“I see.”

I still didn’t understand, but I didn’t intend to debate this issue today. I responded appropriately and drank my cold lemonade. One of my arms was still held by Ellie, which was quite uncomfortable.

Ellie stared at her coffee for a moment, then suddenly asked.

“Are you jealous of hyung-nim?”

“In what way?”

A feeling of not wanting to admit it easily popped out. My inferiority complex towards Roel still remained. Ellie detached herself from me. Just as I was about to let out a sigh of relief, Ellie’s white face suddenly came close to mine. At a distance where our breaths mingled, Ellie gave me a seductive smile that stimulated my emotions, along with a sweet strawberry scent.

“That I’m Roel’s girlfriend?”

If I hadn’t possessed Ross, and if I hadn’t known that Ellie was lying to me, I would have impulsively kissed her. That’s how much dangerous charm Ellie was exuding, enough to break everything I had.

“No, I think it’s a good thing that you’re hyung-nim’s girlfriend.”

Perhaps it wasn’t the answer she wanted, Ellie looked a little disappointed and brought her face even closer. A sweet voice reached my ear.

“If you keep pretending to be nice when it doesn’t suit you, you’ll never catch up to hyung-nim.”

I clenched my fist and smiled only with my mouth.

“…That’s too much.”

“It’s the truth, isn’t it?”

Ellie, with a mischievous smile, drank her coffee to moisten her lips. I also reached for my lemonade. But before I could even take a sip, Ellie asked.

“How’s it going with Luna?”

Putting down the lemonade I was holding, I made a genuinely happy expression.

“I’m happy. So happy that I wonder if I deserve to be this happy.”

Seeing Ellie’s expression stiffen, I added with satisfaction.

“She’s too good for me.”

“Pfft, her?”

I frowned at Ellie’s sarcastic tone towards Luna. Ellie didn’t seem to think she had done anything wrong, shrugging her shoulders and smiling.

“Honestly, she’s not that great, is she? Someone like you could meet someone prettier and more normal.”

I could feel my face contorting at Ellie’s words. I couldn’t stand her criticizing someone I loved for no reason. Without realizing it, I spoke in a slightly harsh tone.

“She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. And she’s perfectly normal.”

“I was talking about Luna’s physical condition. That’s a fact, isn’t it?”

“She’s getting better. And even that is just one of Luna’s many charms.”

With that, we finished our drinks in silence. When Ellie got up first, I followed her out of the cafe.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to criticize Luna.”

I knew Ellie’s words were a lie, but I replied that it was okay. We arrived at the academy, but we were walking in the back garden. It was because I had accepted Ellie’s suggestion to walk her to her dormitory. After walking in silence for a while, Ellie suddenly spoke.

“Ross, do you know why you can’t beat Roel?”

Those words stopped me in my tracks. Unlike me, who had stopped, Ellie, whose pace was different, walked a little further and stopped, turning to look directly at me. The orange light illuminating the night created Ellie’s long shadow, reaching to my toes.

“Roel, unlike you, has desires. He has a desire to have anything he likes. He doesn’t give up on anything. He tries every day not to lose anything.”

Ellie gave a perfect smile.

“That’s why you, who are satisfied with just Luna… will never catch up to Roel.”

From her gaze that looked directly at me, I interpreted the meaning of her words. Her actions to stimulate my old inferiority complex added more credibility to my speculation. I sighed inwardly. The last step to ending our ambiguous relationship remained. If it was the wrong choice, it might leave a great regret. But I couldn’t help but be certain at Ellie’s desire-filled gaze towards me. This is the right answer.

I said.

“Then this is the only way to catch up to hyung-nim.”

It was a low voice, as if muttering, but at the same time, it was a voice filled with the power to make my words clearly understood.

“I love you, Ellie.”

With those words, the world turned upside down.