Purgatory (12)

I had to wear a long, dark dress to hide the vaginal fluid that was pouring out like a waterfall, soaking through my underwear. Just like the priestess said, a dress so long that the hem dragged on the floor.

The black, viscous dress swirled around my feet. At first glance, this gloomy, gothic dress wasn’t something you’d wear outside. It looked like it was made for mourning someone.

The good thing was that this kind of coordination was common in the North. Those with the soul of the North were used to death. Accustomed to death and mourning, black clothes were like everyday wear to them.

“You can’t see my expression, right?”

As a bonus, I wore a veil to hide my eye patch and haggard expression. With the personality jelly stuck in my butt and the Holy Iron colliding, I couldn’t manage my facial expressions.

“You’re dressed like someone’s about to die.”

Shuriel scoffed as he looked at me, dressed like a widow.

“That won’t happen.”

If anyone dies, it’ll be me.

I answered vaguely and got to the point.

“Most of the miasma at the base camp should be purified. As for the ambush incident… I think you’ve probably heard about it.”

“The annihilation of all personnel except for Prukaise. I heard it was Amon’s doing.”

“The Margrave’s loyal knight died then, too.”

The Margrave. Regardless of her misfortune, time was flowing. With tension and anticipation reaching their limit, if we didn’t leave immediately, my emotions would stagnate like water. Rotten emotions would sprout anxiety like mold. Further delay was impossible.

-Salang.

The veil fluttered as gray powder flew in. I muttered as I passed the inquisitors.

“Once it’s broken, it’ll be hard to come back….”

What would be the end of the Margrave, broken by love? It would surely occupy one of the tens of thousands of bleak futures I had drawn.

“You’re talking as if you’re not broken.”

“Broken?”

I answered nonchalantly to Shuriel’s sarcasm.

“How precariously do you think I’m holding on?”

You gave me a lifeline, and yet you ask that? I smiled with crescent-moon eyes and stuck close to Shuriel.

“So, I’m counting on you in the future, too.”

“….”

Shuriel felt a chillingly cold and fanatical aura of obsession beneath the veil and shook me off.

* * *

Far away, I could see a vast expanse of fog. Clouds mixed with sharp iron filings blocked the evil crawling up from the bottom of the abyss. I looked up at the clouds and fog, sparkling like lightning.

‘The Margrave.’

At the end of the North. I could see the Margrave sitting on the last ramparts built on the cliff. She was looking down at the cliff, shaking her legs precariously. Her wheelchair was nowhere to be seen. She was just shaking her stiff legs, which felt no emotion.

“There’s no need to wear mourning clothes like that, you know.”

She chuckled and turned around. There was still regret in her eyes.

“Are you leaving now? Prukaise and Pawin have already gone down.”

“…I’m sorry. I had some things to take care of.”

“A ‘little something’ between a man and a woman is forgivable. So, did you enjoy it?”

The Margrave finished speaking, then closed her mouth tightly. Then, she mumbled with cloudy eyes for a few seconds before turning her head towards Shuriel.

“Alright. Brat. Have a good trip. You were just a little kid when you came to take the test….”

“You don’t have to say that. I’m going to smash everything.”

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day! Alright! Go smash everything in your own way. I might be disappointed if you die.”

Shuriel shuddered as if he had imagined himself dying.

“…If I die, it won’t end with just my death.”

Of course, he wasn’t trembling because of the fear of death. It was because he was anxious about how I would run wild after death.

The Margrave laughed, knowing that fact. It seemed a little off, but it was certain that I would go crazy. The biggest flaw was that he didn’t know where that blade would be pointed.

“I know. Because you have a mysterious magician by your side. One who suddenly appeared…….”

She glanced at me and then trailed off.

And a few seconds later.

The Margrave asked with an emotionless face.

“Are you hiding something?”

I pressed my lips tightly. She didn’t know that my eyes had turned black. And it was hidden by the veil, so she couldn’t see it.

I skillfully hid my emotions. I completely controlled any expression that might be visible, and even the trembling of my fingertips and the sound of my heart were disguised as calmness. Then, I acted innocent and pretended not to know what she was talking about.

“No. I――”

“Not your eyes.”

And I was caught right away. Did Prukaise say something? There was no other way she could have known.

But the Margrave said, ‘Not your eyes.’ There was no suspicion or anger in those words. It was as if she was saying, ‘Not that trivial thing.’

“…I’m not hiding anything.”

“Really?”

She asked back with an innocent face. I couldn’t look directly at the Margrave’s face. On the surface, she looked like a beautiful girl, but inside, she had the soul of a veteran general.

-Hwik.

When I didn’t answer, the Margrave came down from the cliff and approached me. She was so close that the bridge of the Margrave’s nose touched the veil. She pierced through the veil and looked directly into my eyes, saying.

“Sometimes, I feel like you’re not from this world. Don’t you think so too, Shuriel?”

“I just think it’s a miracle of God.”

“Puhup. Since when have you been so devout?”

“Is it obvious?”

“Yeah. Very.”

For a moment, my heart stopped. The Margrave flicked her eyes. She noticed that my heartbeat had changed.

The Margrave’s face moved away.

“You don’t know anything at all. Even though you’re so close.”

“Do I have to know?”

“You need to get rid of that habit. Do you know how cynical you look?”

“I don’t care what others think.”

“Yeah. You’ve been headstrong since you were young.”

I froze and couldn’t say anything. My mind felt blank.

“Just don’t suddenly disappear like you did back then. Do you remember how the temple was turned upside down looking for you?”

“Do you still see me as a child?”

“Yeah.”

The Margrave and Shuriel continued to talk about things I had never heard before. I couldn’t join in and was left standing there.

I didn’t feel jealous of that. I just felt a little anxiety sprouting in my heart.

They don’t know anything at all.

Even though they’re so close.

The Margrave’s words lingered.

“I still see you as a child. Yes, a child. Let me give you some advice from a lacking adult.”

“I’ll listen.”

“It’s more of a warning than advice. Anyway, you two. It would be good to separate for a while after this is over.”

“Yes…?”

Shuriel had a dumbfounded look on his face. I was the same. Separate? I’m anxious even when we’re together 24 hours a day, and you want us to separate? The Margrave glanced at me and said.

“That relationship. You know it looks dangerous, right? It’s often talked about among the nobles. I’m not just talking about the external aspects.”

“I know.”

“I’m glad you know. Then, do you know what the 3rd and 4th princes fear the most?”

“…A magician off the leash.”

“Exactly. Hold on to that leash tightly. If there’s one thing I’m worried about…”

-Haa.

The Margrave sighed with a grating metallic sound.

“It looks precarious. Both of you.”

The Margrave still treated Shuriel with the eyes of a child. She said soothingly.

“I was very surprised when I saw you come here. The clear eyes the boy had were gone, and only muddy water remained.”

“My eyes have always been like this. And what time are you talking about?”

“Well… it’s true that I’m an old woman trapped in the past. It might be too far in the past to compare. But Shuriel. It’s hard to endure that way.”

“I can endure it.”

“Because you’ve cut it away.”

The Margrave looked at Shuriel with pitiful eyes and said.

“You must feel like you can endure it because you’ve thrown away all unnecessary emotions and cut away your heart. The reason isn’t just love. That’s what relationships are like.”

“….”

“But child. There’s no need to kill your soul for love. Isn’t the end of someone who sacrificed their soul for love right in front of you?”

Shuriel was silent. I also licked my dry lips and watched Shuriel’s reaction. The Margrave said to us, who had become like ice, with a bitter expression.

“Just, just….”

Followed by a sigh.

And a hollow murmur.

“I hope you don’t end up like me. Both of you.”

-Seueuk.

After speaking, the Margrave stepped back a few steps and gave an awkward smile.

“Oops. I’m going to be late. Sorry for disturbing you when you’re busy. The gas masks are in the tent over there. Well then. Have a good trip to Pandemonium.”

She spoke as if we were going on a picnic. She didn’t move from that spot and waited for us to leave.

“…Let’s go.”

“Alright.”

I bowed and headed towards the bottom of the cliff. No words were exchanged between Shuriel and me. It was because we were organizing our thoughts.

A dangerous relationship. I wasn’t the only one holding onto the rotten rope. He had to hold onto the rotten dog leash. He had to hold onto the monster called me on behalf of everyone.

Pressure. Unilateral. Burden. These were not words that could be found in love.

My heart became troubled.

I tried to be safe, but to him and to this world, I was useless. The power that had exceeded the limit was a nuisance in itself. The clearer my self-awareness became, the more my heart pounded as if it would burst. I was an existence that didn’t fit in this world, or rather, an ‘unnecessary’ existence.

I seemed to remember why I avoided meeting people. Because when I meet people. I’m reminded of how useless I am.

Like a disease. Like a curse. Self-hatred that comes back repeatedly without end. I was unstable. To the world, I was an unstable bomb.

“Shuriel.”

I spoke with despair. I tried to maintain a smile, but I couldn’t hide my collapsing face.

“It, it would be good to, to separate for a while, right? After this, this is. Is over….”

No.

I don’t want to. I wish you would answer firmly.