Meeting (3)

* * *

People say that the most detestable type of person in human relationships is someone who hypothesizes ‘what ifs’ and tries to make them a reality. What if it fails? Do you think that’s even possible? It won’t work. Give up. Those who hypothesize ‘what ifs’ without proper alternatives are merely cynical, not critical. They might believe they’re being critical, but to others, they’re just social misfits trying to act cool.

My heart pounded as if it would burst. A torrent of intense emotions overwhelmed me, momentarily paralyzing my thoughts. I stood before the Count’s mansion gate, exhaling shakily and licking my dry lips.

―There must be one person.

There must be at least one person who understands me. Of course. The world is vast, and there are plenty of crazy people out there. If I search the world, I’ll find one. I definitely will. And even if Shuriel-nim rejects me, I can find someone else or live alone forever. But the self-loathing and depression that had intensified since coming to the East were polluting and distorting my thoughts.

I even dredged up faded memories from the past. When I revealed my true self to the knight Agnes and was rejected so miserably. When Serti, the black-haired priest of the Holy See, gave me an incomprehensible look.

Hypothesizing rejection and making it a reality.

My face turned pale. Again. Shuriel-nim, shouting at me to get lost, flashed in my mind. Just thinking about it made my legs tremble uncontrollably. After all, it had been two months. The situation was different from when we were together nonstop from the Labyrinth to Kardrasil. We were together then. Even if he didn’t like me, he couldn’t show it to my face.

I.

What should I do? I was used to pain, but not to being rejected. The reason I tried not to form relationships with people was to avoid entering that terrible, self-destructive vortex. It was too miserable and pathetic. That thing that couldn’t be obtained with power or money became a powerful greed and caused immense fear.

People who fear rejection isolate themselves.

‘…Should I go back and spread rumors first?’

Become alone again, making him come to me instead of seeking him out directly. A passive and cowardly method.

‘Should I climb the tower? No… Climbing the tower again would take too long… But there’s no suitable place to hunt monsters either…’

I desperately racked my brain. Still, I had a respectable position, so there was no shortage of ways to start something. Since it was happening in the East, it would quickly reach Shuriel-nim’s ears. But what if. Even then, if he didn’t come.

The difference between me and the social misfits pretending to be cool was that I wasn’t cool.

―Kung.

“Ugh…?”

Then, I heard a sturdy sound of something breaking. Kwajik, kung. Geudeuk. The sound of wooden planks shattering. I froze, unable to move a single step.

Golden hair vaguely visible through the window.

“Yujin!”

He came.

It was far too late to assess the situation and run away. I had forgotten all the lines and acting I had prepared, becoming a blank slate, stupidly white.

“Uh, uh….”

A shadow fell over me. A gaze looking down at me. When I looked up, I saw Shuriel-nim, who seemed a little taller. His skin seemed cleaner than before. His hair was also slightly longer, and. The horns were still there, and… Ah, damn it. I need to say something instead of thinking about this.

I barely held onto my sanity and tried to open my mouth somehow. What could I say to get out of this situation? Should I just greet him normally? The thought was fleeting. Hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of lines and actions came to mind. I filtered them out, selecting the line that fit the situation.

But.

When I saw Shuriel-nim’s indifferent eyes, everything vanished like bubbles.

I bit my lip. Just say something. It seemed like that would be easier. I forced a natural smile and swallowed.

“…Have you been well?”

Even I thought it was a pathetic greeting, but fortunately, the reaction wasn’t bad. Shuriel-nim didn’t tell me to get lost. I took out the letter of recommendation I had prepared and said.

“T, this. It’s a recommendation letter from Count Bridonia. I, I felt like only Shuriel-nim was suffering, so I tried my best too.”

But.

At that moment, I glimpsed a reaction I never wanted to see.

“Ha….”

Cynicism. The hand holding out the recommendation letter froze. I lowered my hand and cast my eyes down. If I kept looking at that cold expression, even my heart would freeze.

“A, and. Uh, also…”

…I shouldn’t have come here. One recommendation letter wasn’t enough. At least, yeah. I should have climbed to the level of a tower lord, as Shuriel-nim said. Even if he hated me, he wouldn’t hate my position.

“Ugh….”

I could have done it, but I didn’t. It was an unnecessary position for me. I was too self-centered. I spoke in a barely audible, mouse-like voice.

“I, I’m sorry….”

For me, a meeting without a mask was too difficult. The world was multiple choice, so it was easy, but people demanded essay questions from me. There were too many answers. As many answers as there were, there were also many wrong answers. I didn’t know what to write. Like a student with an essay question left unanswered one minute before the end of the exam, I could only write ‘I’m sorry’ on the answer sheet.

Then, then. Should I ask Aileen-yang for help? There’s less than a month left now. She must be watching this scene too. At least, so I can live peacefully with Dad――

“I missed you.”

―Warak!

“…?!”

Before I could even interpret what I had just heard, I was grabbed by Shuriel-nim’s hand and pulled away. I couldn’t even think of resisting and buried my face in his chest. His right hand wrapped around my back, and his left hand carefully held the back of my head, pushing me into his embrace.

A somewhat sweet scent emanated from the neatly ironed clothes. The smell of another person was so strong and abundant that my body trembled just from inhaling a handful. I tried to rub my face with a dazed expression, but soon realizing my unsightly behavior, I stammered.

“Y, you missed me…?”

“…You could have at least sent a letter.”

“Uh, th, that’s. Uh, ugh.”

Only then. I was able to come to my senses. Why was I so anxious? I hadn’t particularly offended Shuriel-nim, nor had I committed any wrongdoing. This was a normal reaction. I was too negative.

It didn’t take long for my thoughts to normalize. It only took a few seconds to realize how stupid I had been.

“Ahem, hmm. Sh, Shuriel-nim?”

I shook off my disappointment and pushed Shuriel-nim away. Shuriel-nim still wore that obnoxious smile and let go of my hand. He was relaxed.

“…I’m sorry for coming without saying anything when you probably have a schedule. How have you been?”

Then, Shuriel-nim turned his head at the gaze he felt from behind. Following the direction of his eyes, I saw Hairak, looking at us with a displeased expression. He’s still the same. I couldn’t help but smile at their unchanging 모습.

“You still don’t get along?”

“That’s right. We just had a big fight.”

“…The Lord clearly wrote a recommendation letter…”

“I stole my brother’s seal. More importantly―”

Shuriel-nim’s face turned cold. But I wasn’t as nervous as before. It was obvious. This was a joke. Still, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy. Shuriel-nim said with a smirk.

“I was going crazy because I missed you so much, but it seems you don’t feel the same way. To be so concerned about another man in front of me.”

My breath caught in my throat. Was that how it looked? I barely calmed my trembling eyes and opened my mouth.

“…I, I also. M, missed you a little.”

“Ha! A little? I didn’t even send a single letter because I was worried you’d find me annoying. I’ve been running around for the ‘high position’ you so desire, and you only missed me a little?”

―I’m very disappointed. He says, turning his back.

It was a mischievous joke.

But, even knowing it was a joke, my heart rate quickened. I reached out towards Shuriel-nim’s back, hesitating.

“Ah, no! I mean, it’s just a figure of speech. It’s not that I only missed you a little, it’s that. Really, really. Please don’t misunderstand.”

“….”

“I’m sorry. I know you’re upset. I’ll apologize. Shuriel-nim, Shuriel-nim?”

Why was I clinging on so desperately, even knowing it was a joke? Since when had I become so desperate? Maybe it was just because I was feeling down today. Maybe I was just trying to fill the empty space next to me that felt even emptier.

Even if I felt a base sense of self-satisfaction by tormenting Clark, even if I forced a fake smile while chatting with Peka Polis and Doran Doran, the emptiness that could never be filled became a poison that gnawed at my body.

Shuriel-nim reflexively turned his head at my desperate voice. He tried to wear his usual smirk, but seeing my face, which was more miserably broken than he had expected, he panicked and reached out. He hugged me again. I couldn’t say anything and just stayed in his arms.

He said with an awkward expression.

“…I’m kidding.”

Just as I was clumsy at expressing myself, he was clumsy at apologizing. Knowing that fact, knowing that he was sincerely sorry, I didn’t say anything else. I mumbled, buried in his clothes.

“Are you going to keep playing tricks like that?”

“….”

“…I’ll forgive you. Only this time.”

I broke away from his embrace again. Shuriel-nim paused for a beat and turned his head again.

“…It seems like keeping things quiet is out of the question.”

The mansion windows had long been occupied by young maids. The maids, packed in front of the windows, were all squealing with flushed faces. It was almost certain that rumors would spread throughout the mansion. He clicked his tongue and said.

“Let’s go inside for now. I’ve already got a big plan in the works.”

“A plan?”

“Didn’t you say you needed a big plan? Yujin, I’ve prepared a stage for you.”

“Is it a battle? Hmm, it seems too difficult for me in politics…”

“Do you think I’m crazy enough to make you do political maneuvering? It’s a cesspool there. You’ll see it soon enough anyway, but let me just say that it’s dirtier than you think.”

“Then?”

“It’s a battle. But it’s scheduled to take place after you get a title. Wouldn’t it be better to participate as a noble rather than a commoner?”

“…It seems like it would take too long to talk outside.”

“Let’s talk in my room.”

I nodded. Shuriel-nim and I immediately headed inside the mansion. Hairak, leaning against the stone lantern with his arms crossed, whispered to Shuriel-nim as he passed by.

“…You trashy bastard who makes women cry.”

Shuriel-nim couldn’t refute it. He agreed. He was trash. Just as I was trash, he was trash too. I grabbed Shuriel-nim’s hand, which had flared up, and forcibly pulled him along. He glared at his brother with cold eyes.

“Let’s go quickly. We haven’t talked about anything yet.”

“Tsk….”

I walked up the stairs slowly with Shuriel-nim next to me. When I rolled my eyes, I saw a nobleman much larger than me. A look in his eyes that betrayed a desire to possess me. But he was trying not to. Possession wasn’t an equal relationship.

“Heu.”

I chuckled and pulled his arm. I pressed my large, soft breasts against him and rubbed them. Shuriel-nim gave me a look that said, ‘What the hell are you doing?’ but I stuck out my tongue and turned my head.

I found out while tormenting Clark, but men like this kind of thing very, very much. They might pretend to dislike it on the outside, but they’re burning on the inside.

I was just playing the same trick since he played a mischievous joke. He wouldn’t actually attack me in front of the maids, would he? Let him walk to his room in agony.

‘The aftermath… I’ll think about it then.’

It’ll work out somehow.

Yeah. This was the usual me. I was thinking too much. To put it badly, I was living without a brain, but I was happy that way. I already knew too much. Sometimes it was more enjoyable to live without thinking.

Don’t be too afraid of encounters. Even if you’re rejected, you can work hard until you can’t be rejected. Through the virtues of reflection and forgiveness, you can run towards a better relationship.

Shuriel-nim gritted his teeth and said in a restrained voice.

“You’re playing a fun game. Can you handle the consequences?”

“When have I ever committed something while thinking about the aftermath?”

“…You’re being insolent. Fine. I accept it.”

“Please do.”

The peak of autumn, the starting point of loss where leaves fall and bare branches are revealed. Soon, a cruel winter will come. A heartless season that freezes everything will arrive. That day when everyone worries about tomorrow, that chilling day will come.

Still. If you asked me how I felt right now, I could definitely say I felt good. Snow may be falling in my heart, but I know there’s a sun waiting to rise someday.