Letter

While I was sitting on the cafe’s terrace, blankly staring down at the complex streets of the capital, someone sat down across from me without permission. I turned my head without thinking, and Ellie, who met my eyes, slightly pouted her lips.

“I’ve been looking for you for ages.”

“…Me?”

“It’s been a week since you dropped out of the Academy and didn’t come back to Modiste’s hideout. It’s only natural to worry.”

I guess so. I had lost my sense of time because I hadn’t slept in the meantime. Ellie, who brought a tray with a strawberry smoothie and dessert, shook her hair and took her lips off the straw.

“Aren’t you cold? It’s still winter.”

Unlike me, who was wearing a light winter coat, Ellie didn’t neglect her winter preparations. She had furry gloves with cute drawings, cream-colored earmuffs, and a red scarf completely wrapped around her neck.

“I’m okay.”

It wasn’t a bluff, I didn’t really feel cold. No, to be honest, I felt like all my senses were far away right now. I couldn’t feel the bitterness of the coffee or the fatigue from lack of sleep.

Ellie, who suddenly leaned her upper body towards me as if admiring a work of art and stared at me with her big eyes, smiled faintly and asked.

“This was a cafe you used to come to often with Luna, right?”

Instead of opening my mouth, I answered by nodding slightly. Ellie, looking around, muttered that it was a good cafe for a date, then looked back at me and blew air at me playfully.

Her breath becomes white smoke and rises into the sky. Ellie said to me in a slightly damp voice as I stared blankly at it.

“You seem very sad.”

“…Me?”

“Yeah.”

At her confident voice, I turned my head and looked at my face reflected in the window. There was no expression on my face. No sadness, no joy, nothing. The result of the observation was that I looked like I wasn’t thinking about anything.

“You just look like an idiot.”

“Heung, a lie. Are you embarrassed that I saw your true feelings?”

I didn’t have the energy to answer Ellie’s playful voice, so I just closed my mouth. Ellie gave me a kind smile as I wasn’t feeling any interest in the conversation.

“Shall I tell you why you look sad?”

At those words, I stopped my hand reaching for the coffee handle. When I slowly raised my gaze and met her eyes, Ellie drew a curve on her lips.

“You have the same face as the me in another world.”

“…”

“I guess we’re similar in this way because we’re childhood friends. Not knowing what to do and wandering around after losing someone precious.”

I couldn’t help but object to Ellie’s attitude of making such a definitive statement.

“I’m not wandering around. I have a clear goal to revive Luna. I’m just waiting for the labyrinth to open.”

My words ended with a puff of white breath. Ellie, who had been listening to me quietly, shone her obsidian-like eyes and said.

“The Ellie in the other world is the same. She had a clear goal to help her beloved save the world. Even so, she felt guilty about you and worked hard on research and study every day without rest. Just like you, who works as Lily, killing villains without rest every day.”

“That’s…”

“What do you think Luna would say if she saw you now?”

Instantly, my jaw tightened. Slowly releasing my clenched fist, I sighed.

“I don’t want to talk about Luna.”

“Why?”

I was speechless at that short question. It can’t be that she’s asking because she doesn’t know the reason. Being perceptive is Ellie’s strength. But Ellie was looking at me as if she needed to hear an answer. When I avoided her gaze, Ellie grabbed my hand.

I could feel warmth in my cold, freezing hand. Ellie, holding my hand, spoke in a gentle voice as if soothing a baby.

“Luna was your pride. You wanted to let everyone in the world know how kind and lovely Luna was. But why don’t you want to talk about her now?”

I unconsciously bit my lip at Ellie’s words that pierced my heart sharply. Luna was always my pride. On the day I decided to date Luna, I was so happy that I was grateful for being possessed by Ross for the first time.

From the moment I was with Luna, I lived not in the novel I created, but in Luna’s story. I was happy beyond my wildest dreams, and I was able to learn what love is.

I, who had only lived because I couldn’t die, learned how happy it is to be with someone precious. I loved Luna so much that I couldn’t wish for anything more if the other person was happy.

That Luna died. Horribly and terribly. Luna, who painted my dark and cold world with bright and warm colors, is no longer here.

It’s not a complete farewell. I will somehow revive Luna. But even if I revive Luna, can I love her like before? No, even if I can, I shouldn’t.

I am the cause of Luna’s death. If it wasn’t for me, Luna wouldn’t have been sick, and she would have spent a happy Academy life with her friends like the Luna in the other world.

It is my existence that broke Luna’s happiness. Mistakes should end with one time. I want Luna to be happy. Even if she breaks up with me and likes someone else, I will smile happily and wish her happiness. Because I realized that I can’t be happy unless Luna is happy.

I lightly tapped the hand Ellie was holding. When I woke up from my thoughts and looked up, Ellie smiled brightly.

“I think I know now why you were possessed by Ross.”

Did Ellie realize the reason that I didn’t even know? I was silent for a moment because it was a bit unexpected, and Ellie said with a calm expression.

“Jin Sian and Ross, the two are very similar.”

“…Where?”

“The clumsy way they deal with sadness.”

With those words, Ellie put her hand into her thick coat and took something out and handed it to me. The moment I checked what it was, my eyes widened.

What Ellie handed me was a letter. A letter with the familiar handwriting that said ‘To Ross’.

“It’s a letter that arrived at the Messiah club room a few days ago. It seems that Luna sent it to you after arriving at the Star Fallen Portal Station.”

At Ellie’s words, the senses that had been far away returned in an instant. Trembling as if I was cold, I received the letter with trembling hands. I struggled to tear off the sticker and took out the letter paper. Feeling my heart pounding like crazy, I slowly read the contents.

-A letter sent because I’m sad to say goodbye-

Why do I already miss you when we were just together?

It must be because I love Ross that much.

Because the words that I love you the most in the world were sincere.

Thank you for always loving me, who is always lacking, and thanks to Ross, every day is so happy that I cry.

I wonder if Ross was happy to meet me, if it was good to love me… Actually, I already know the answer, but I still want to hear it directly.

So, I think Ross feels the same way.

I’m happy to have met Ross, and it was good to be able to love you.

I think there will be many difficult things in the future.

Working as Lily and trying to save the world will all be difficult.

But now Ross always has precious family, friends, and lovers by your side.

I’ll cry as much as I want if it’s hard.

Ross can cry as much as you want too.

– The carriage to go home has arrived. I’ll write down a list of restaurants you must try in the capital in the next letter I send.

Then, please take care of me in the next second year too.

Luna was happy, thinking that, I suddenly felt a hot sensation inside my eyes. My vision wavered. Tears welled up endlessly as if something was broken. Ellie hugged me silently and patted my back.

I cried out loud. Actually, I wanted to cry like this all along. It was the death of someone who was everything to me. It was a natural reaction to despair and be sad. But I didn’t cry or feel sad.

I was afraid that my feelings for Luna would disappear as much as the tears I shed. I wanted to swallow my sadness and keep it in me forever. I didn’t want to let Luna go, even like that.

After hearing about Luna’s death, I ran away from reality. But I couldn’t run away anywhere. Because I couldn’t help but realize Luna’s absence every moment.

When I walk down the street, I always remember Luna, who used to stand on my right, and I wave my hand in the air to hold her hand as a habit. When food comes out, I try to make it easy to eat with one hand. Even though there’s no reason to do that anymore.

After reading the letter Luna sent, I was finally able to cry as much as I wanted. It’s not that I felt relieved. It’s that I accepted Luna’s death today. Because that’s how I can move forward for Luna.

After crying as much as I wanted, the tears stopped. I fell away from Ellie with a long sigh. I looked at Ellie. I suddenly felt a sense of déjà vu that there was a similar moment to this, but I reflexively opened my mouth at Ellie’s gaze.

“…Help me save Luna, Ellie.”

At my words, Ellie gave me an infinitely kind smile.

“Yeah, of course I’ll help you. Because you’re my precious friend.”

Ellie held out her pinky finger to me as if it were a promise.