Kim Sun-ho’s Relationship Arrangement (2)

“…”

I left Ji-hye, who had cried herself to sleep, and went outside.

I came out of the house, slipped on my slippers, and trudged along, sighing repeatedly.

It’s a mess.

Shibal, it’s nobody’s fault, so I can’t complain or whine to anyone.

Everything I’ve done so far feels like a sin, and my body feels like it’s tightening in reaction.

I’m going crazy.

I want to talk about it openly with someone, but who am I supposed to talk to about this?

Even going to a counselor and talking about it might seem weird.

Ah, there is one person.

‘I have Uncle, right…?’

It’s almost midnight.

Normally, everyone would be asleep by now, but not Uncle.

He works from home, and there’s what we talked about before, so he’ll probably be able to give me some advice.

[Uncle, if you’re not asleep, can I come over for a bit?]

I sat on a bench in the park near my house.

No matter how much I try to sort things out and hold back, my heart is in turmoil.

The consideration we showed each other was actually poison.

If even one of us had crossed the line first, this wouldn’t have happened.

No, wouldn’t it have been better if there had been no beginning at all?

If there had been no beginning, wouldn’t we have lived as siblings without any problems, cleanly and quietly?

Or if we had just quietly slept together without crossing the line, it wouldn’t have turned out like this.

…No, even if we had just slept together, it would already be a problem.

[Please cancel tomorrow’s shoot. I’m sorry.]

Before sending a text to cancel tomorrow’s shoot, I hesitated.

I’m worried about what honorific to use before sending the text.

Before, I would have just said I couldn’t go because I had a fight with my girlfriend.

But that’s not it. Rather, if I draw the line first and say she’s my girlfriend when we’ve already confirmed our feelings for each other, it would be rude to Ji-hye and only leave her with hurt.

It’s a publicly visible relationship.

It’s a problem if I draw the line as I please, and it’s a problem if I don’t.

But how? Me? As I please?

[Please cancel tomorrow’s shoot. I’m sorry, we fought and it’s not a good atmosphere for us to go together. I’m really sorry.]

“…. Shibal.”

Even if I swear and sigh, this worry won’t be resolved.

Even if my head throbs and my heart starts racing with anger… it’s just a meaningless action.

Rubbing my throbbing forehead doesn’t help, and I can only feel my pulse racing for no reason.

[Huh? Come on over if you’re coming, come and say whatever you want to say.]

[I’ll buy some fruit on the way.]

[Ah, then just buy a banana from the convenience store when you come, my nephew likes it.]

I sighed repeatedly and calmed myself down.

It’s not like calming down will solve anything, but at least I can’t go to Uncle’s place angry.

Without hesitating, I went out to the roadside, caught a taxi, and headed to Uncle’s house, which was about an hour away.

The still cool taxi seat slowly cooled my body.

–

“Sun-ho, welcome, but what brings you here at this hour?”

“Uh, well, I came because it might be a bit long. Is this a good time for you, Uncle?”

“I’ll just rest tomorrow, come on in.”

He took the banana from my hand and sat down at the living room table.

“So, is it an important story? Or a serious story?”

“What if it’s both?”

“Then you should find a professional counselor, you imma.”

That’s true.

But the problem is that I can’t tell this to a professional counselor.

I mean, how can I say, ‘I had sex with my sister and we had an accident while trying to figure out our relationship!’

…How do I talk about this in counseling? I couldn’t even do it if I covered my face.

“So, what is it? Let’s hear it, but… seeing that you came all the way here, it must be about a woman, right?”

He’s as sharp as a ghost.

Honestly, I have nothing to talk to Uncle about other than my relationship with my sisters.

“Right…? That’s um… uh… wait a minute, lend me your ear.”

I carefully whispered in Uncle’s ear.

Everything about my relationships with my cousins so far, and also my relationship with Ji-hye.

“…I can understand the cousins, but Ji-hye… you… no. No matter what I say, you’re both adults.”

“…”

I was silent.

I have nothing to say and no excuses.

The cousins… I can somehow get past that, but she’s my sister.

If it wasn’t for Uncle, who has a similar experience, I wouldn’t even be able to bring up the topic.

‘If Uncle is this negative, I have nothing to say…’

If I can’t open up to the only person I can confide in, there’s no one I can talk to.

I’ll just suffer in silence and end up in a state of neither here nor there.

We’ll only leave each other with big scars and go through life without healing.

“Okay, so Sun-ho, how about you?”

“Me? What about me?”

“What I mean is, how do you want to be with Ji-hye? You have to have a clear direction and go for it.”

“Me? No, isn’t it something we should both agree on…”

“You… Haa, your Uncle is saving you because you’re my nephew. Got it?”

What did I do wrong to be saved?

Shibal, isn’t that too much? What if I push forward as I please and we only leave each other with more scars?

We have to see each other for the rest of our lives, but Uncle seems to be taking it too lightly, please, Uncle.

“If I push forward as I please and get hurt again, I’ll be filled with self-loathing.”

“…Sun-ho-ya.”

“What.”

“Ji-hye already said she likes you, right? Right?”

“Right.”

“But you son of a bitch, what are you doing backing out so cowardly?”

Me? Cowardly? Backing out?

I don’t know what Uncle is talking about.

Is it such a problem that we’re being considerate of each other? Does this look like I’m backing out?

Even if he’s my uncle, I’m honestly pissed off. If he wasn’t my uncle, I’d punch him first and shout, ‘What do you know?’

“That’s a bit pissing me off, Uncle? Explain it properly, please.”

“What you said can’t be a lie, I know you don’t lie.”

“There’s not a single lie and I haven’t hidden anything. I wouldn’t say this if it wasn’t for you, Uncle.”

“That’s why I’m even more pissed off. You said you want to maintain your relationship with Ji-hye, so at least when Ji-hye is wondering, ‘Is it okay for me to do this?’ shouldn’t you be confirming, ‘It’s okay for you to do this!’?”

“…What?”

“Look, Ji-hye likes you too, but she’s afraid of causing trouble for her Oppa, and you like Ji-hye too, but you’re worried about causing trouble. Is that right?”

“…That’s right, why.”

Uncle sighed.

He looked at me with tired eyes and continued.

“Then if you say it’s okay and you continue to be together, is there any reason to come here?”

“…Me? You want me to declare it first? Just go as we feel?”

“No, be clear about it. You want to go with Ji-hye like lovers, right?”

“Th, that’s right?”

“Then you son of a bitch, go, you put your foot down first and give her a definite answer. Don’t be ambiguous, go out there and give her stability. Can’t you say one thing: ‘I’m okay with those looks, I’m okay with hearing those things, but I won’t do it if you don’t want to’? Are you a moron, Sun-ho-ya?”

“……Am I allowed to do that?”

Me? Dare I? It’s a decision that will determine a person’s life?

Is it okay to push forward so arbitrarily?

Is it okay for a moron who can’t even take care of himself right now to do that?

“Then it’s your and Ji-hye’s business, if you don’t do it, who will? Should I go and tell her, ‘Sun-ho did this’?”

“That’s not it, but how can I do something that might affect someone’s life…”

“You’re the only one who can do it in your relationship, you son of a bitch. If Ji-hye wavers, you hold her steady, I won’t say it’s a relationship that can’t even do that, will you?”

“I can… I guess.”

“Then that’s it. Go and tell Ji-hye clearly, I’m okay with the looks, so do as you please. You stand like a pillar first and wait. You idiot…”

Uncle’s voice gradually became more intense and then calmed down again.

In the end, it was something that would have ended with one word, ‘It’s okay,’ instead of coming here?

Was it something that would have been solved if I hadn’t been considerate and just been clear about it?

“Anyway, you can’t make your relationship public, right? Then you two have to rely on each other and talk, what else are you going to do, Sun-ho-ya… Don’t think too hard.”

“…”

“If you can’t make your relationship public, you’re each other’s support, if you can’t do that, then cut ties completely and leave the house. If you can, then support her. That’s all I have to say…”

Is it a good choice?

Will Ji-hye, who made a choice for me, really accept this choice?

Will my sister, who tried to keep her distance because she was afraid of causing trouble for me, agree if I say it’s okay?

I’m not confident. What if even this ambiguous relationship collapses and one of us leaves the house?

‘It’s a more headache-inducing decision than the military…?’

The relationship after this will be determined by my one word, so my head throbbed as if it would explode.

My mind, which was empty and clear, can’t come to its senses with the new information that has filled it to the brim.

The two thoughts of ‘Say it’ and ‘Can you take responsibility for that?’ fight and become intricately intertwined.

“…Anyway, you’re going home, right? I’ll give you a ride, let’s go.”

“You’re telling me to go in already?”

“…Give her reassurance as soon as possible. It’s not a nuisance, it’s okay to receive the looks, let’s continue our relationship.”

“Is it really okay to do that…”

“If you’re not thinking about just having sex with Ji-hye, then do it. If you regret it at that age, it’ll last a lifetime.”

Leaving Uncle, who had gone into the room, I pondered one last time.

‘Say it?’

If I say it, I don’t know what will happen after that.

But at least I’ve let her know my feelings, so it’ll work out somehow… The worst case scenario is that we’ll only hurt each other.

Furthermore, all the relationships we’ve had so far might end.

‘Don’t say it?’

In this case, the aftermath is certain.

We’ll both be hurt and go our separate ways.

We’ll be deeply hurt, but even if scars remain, they’ll heal, and there will be no more wounds created between us.

But there’s nothing left. Rather, only our emptiness will remain.

Clearly, the wise choice is to not say anything and stay as we are.

Compared to my choice, the former brings too much damage.

The latter is very safe, but…

‘We’ll live like strangers, not siblings.’

I wasn’t such a fool that I wanted to run away even if it meant breaking the family relationship.

Clearly, for safety, I can just not say anything and it’ll be over, but I don’t like such a vague and ambiguous relationship.

Even if I get cursed and called a crazy bastard, I want to sort out or confirm the relationship.

If we’re not going to see each other anyway, I should at least get it off my chest and feel refreshed, and if we are going to see each other, there shouldn’t be anything more to hide so that it lasts longer.

“…Okay.”

I steeled my heart and headed to the front door as Uncle came out.

–

“Succeed.”

“…Is it okay for Uncle to approve of this kind of relationship?”

“Wouldn’t an uncle who might even marry his niece be able to do that?”

“…What?”

Why are you telling me such an important story here?

You could have told me after it was over, is there any reason to tell me now?

“I’ll probably get married… I think. Yeah, that’s why I can talk to you about it, because I’m that kind of uncle.”

“Thanks to you, Uncle, our family tree… will be a mess.”

“Anyway, the population is increasing in a land with no population, shouldn’t the country be grateful?”

It’s crazy talk, but why is it rational?

I almost nodded without realizing it and agreed.

“Then, Uncle’s leaving. Be sure to finish it properly.”

Uncle drove away.

I looked up at the house from the apartment gate and sorted things out for a moment.

Whether it’s accepted or not, there’s only one conclusion.

Either we leave scars and break up like this, leaving a big scar, or we heal the scars with this opportunity and cover them with new flesh.

If not, we’ll leave a few more scars like this and they’ll remain as scars forever.

Ppjak ppjak

I slapped my face with both hands and came to my senses.

–

The house was quiet as always.

Only the sound of my footsteps breaking the silent stillness was heading towards Ji-hye’s room.

She’s probably sleeping. It’s okay to do it when she wakes up, but I want to finish it properly and have a refreshing sleep.

Knock knock-

“…Ji-hye, are you asleep?”

There was no response, so I quietly opened the door and went in, she was lying down and silently using her phone.

I quietly sat next to the bed, and she looked at me.

“…Why did you come?”

“I came to finish the story we were talking about earlier.”

“I have nothing to say… Just go and sleep.”

She turned her back to me.

Go and sleep? I can’t sleep, I’m going to finish it properly.

I grabbed her and turned her around to face me, and she frowned.

“…I said go and sleep?”

“Kim Ji-hye.”

I looked into her eyes.

Eyes that still have a bit of tears left.

Those eyes that were scarred because I was ambiguous.

If I had been more clear and stood my ground, this wouldn’t have happened.

“Why.”

“Do you remember what I said earlier?”

“…I don’t, so go and sleep.”

“If you’re okay with it, I’ll live with the looks.”

“……What are you talking about?”

Only then did she look at me.

The light from the screen barely touches her face.

I looked into her eyes and continued without hesitation.

“You said you drew the line because you were trying to see me as a man because I might be a problem. Don’t draw the line, just see me as a man.”

“What are you going to do if a problem arises?”

“I told you? I’ll live with it, you just have to allow it.”

“Don’t talk bullshit, go and sleep, please.”

“Does it sound like bullshit? I’m serious, I’m going to cross the line, so you decide whether to accept it or not. I’m going to cross the line without caring, and I’ll wait whether I get the looks or not.”

Okay, I said it.

I’m okay with being in a relationship.

You said you didn’t cross the line for each other’s sake anyway.

Then I’m going to cross the line and appeal clearly.

She’s my girlfriend, what’s the problem?

“Don’t say weird things…”

“Should I be more direct? Be my girlfriend, be my girlfriend and tell everyone outside. This person is my boyfriend.”

She just stares at my face without saying a word.

I have no regrets.

I said everything I wanted to say. Now, the future will change depending on how Ji-hye reacts.

I waited silently for an answer, but instead of an answer, Ji-hye’s tears flowed.

“…What are you going to do if you get glared at outside?”

“I’ll just live with the glares, is it going to be worse than you nagging me?”

“…How are you going to endure living with insults outside?”

“It’s not like I’m going to die? I don’t get stressed enough to die from hearing insults.”

“You’re going to do it even if you hear all sorts of things about being a sibling couple?”

“Yeah.”

I gave a definite answer.

I’ll regret it when I die if I regret this.

But not now. I clearly told her my feelings, and that choice is solely my responsibility.

I looked at Ji-hye, who was crying, and gently grabbed both of her shoulders.

“It’s okay to do it, it’s not a nuisance, so just give me an honest answer, I’m thinking of being with you as a lover. What about you?”

“…”

She shed more tears from the tears that had been flowing silently.

She covered her face with both hands and sobbed, but the tears weren’t hidden.

“…Is it really okay to do that? It’s not a nuisance?”

“It’s not a nuisance if you’re okay with it, I’m sorry I was too ambiguous.”

“…Is it really not a nuisance, is it okay even if we’re siblings?”

“It’s okay, don’t worry. Have you ever seen me lie?”

Ji-hye hugged me.

She buried her face in my arms and soaked my clothes with tears again.

“I, is it really okay? It’s not a nuisance to Oppa? Really? Is it really okay?”

“Yeah. It’s really okay.”

She cried in my arms, soaking them with tears.

She silently shed tears in my arms and hugged me.

I didn’t get an answer, but at least I knew it wasn’t negative.

If it was negative, there would be no reason to cry in my arms. She would have told me to get lost long ago.

I carefully hugged her head and stroked it, and she started crying even louder in my arms.

As if releasing all the pent-up resentment and stress, she started crying to her heart’s content in my arms.

Tears soaked my clothes and slowly poured out of her body in my arms.

I didn’t get an answer. An answer to whether we can be lovers.

Still, if it was negative, there would be no reason to ask if it was okay.

Wasn’t she asking me back because she really wanted to get a definite answer?

While patting Ji-hye, I thought of one thing.

‘But if we’re lovers, how should I change my attitude?’

It was important.

Should I act like my usual dimwitted Oppa, or should I act like a dependable boyfriend…?