Hypocrite

As if it was over showing me, my vision flipped. My surroundings had changed into the franchise cafe I used to frequent when I was Jin Shian. In the empty cafe with no employees or customers, I sat at a table with Jin Shian.

Jin Shian, seeing me narrowing my brows trying to understand what I had just seen, spoke in a blunt voice.

,As I said before, you don’t have to understand what you just saw right away.”

At those words, I looked at Jin Shian with an absurd expression. I had just obtained a clue to solve the questions I had about Roel until now. If the protagonist of the novel has a secret that the author doesn’t know, isn’t it natural to be concerned?

As if reading my thoughts, Jin Shian twisted one corner of his lip.

,You’re not so blinded by Roel’s secret that you’ve forgotten this is a trap prepared by the Cardinal, are you?”

At the sharp question, I could only bite my lip. Jin Shian’s point was correct. I was so blinded by the secret Roel was hiding that I hadn’t paid attention to the Cardinal’s real purpose in showing this to me.

,There’s no need to be impatient just because you can’t figure out the answer right away. You were a great character who led the story well enough even without me. Maybe the Saintess calculated that you could reach the ending you wanted even without me.”

….”

,But if I were to give you one piece of advice, the Cardinal was trying to let you know that Roel has a secret that no one else knows. He must have intentionally tried to show you this at that point in time. There must be some sinister motive behind that action. Think about that point.”

Having finished his advice, Jin Shian leaned back in the chair with the soft cushion. Seeing him tilting his head slightly and closing his eyes, I asked a question that suddenly came to mind.

,…If I become one with you, will you disappear?”

At my question, Jin Shian scoffed without opening his eyes.

,From the beginning, you and I were not separated. That’s why they couldn’t exclude me from your soul and hid me so deep inside. It’s not disappearing, it’s becoming whole.”

Jin Shian opened his eyes. And he glared at me with narrowed eyes.

,You think too much. Sometimes you try to look at things that should be seen with intuition from various perspectives with worry and anxiety. Just like there’s a saying that ‘no plan is a plan,’ it’s better to think simply about things related to the heart. Guilt is just a stumbling block for you.”

At Jin Shian’s words, I shook my head. It was true that I thought too much, but I also had something to say about guilt.

,But even when I was Jin Shian, I shed tears at the sadness of others. I never maliciously bullied anyone, and I never hit anyone. It’s perfectly natural for a person to be sad when someone who has done nothing wrong dies.”

Before I could finish speaking, Jin Shian glared at me with a look close to contempt and said.

,Now I see how disgusting you are.”

,What?”

,Don’t tell me you don’t even remember how many people you’ve killed?”

I couldn’t answer at Jin Shian’s question, twisting one corner of his lip.

,It was you who went to the Sixth Prince’s villa and killed people. You lost your reason in a fit of rage and killed everyone in the villa. Soldiers, servants, everyone. Among the people you killed, there must have been ordinary soldiers who followed orders from above without knowing anything, and some mother of a child who started working as a servant to help her family even a little. But you didn’t feel any guilt because they were ‘subordinates of the Sixth Prince who followed the Demon King.’ No, you even thought of what you did as justice and were proud of it.”

When I couldn’t make any excuses, Jin Shian continued speaking in a dumbfounded voice after a brief silence.

,Anyone would misunderstand that Jin Shian is a champion of justice. A pathetic bastard who lied that he was too busy to know that the funeral of an acquaintance he knew was held because he didn’t want to pay condolence money. You’ve never hit or bullied anyone? You secretly stole other people’s diaries, made up rumors and gossiped, and rejoiced at the downfall of other writers and agreed with comments?”

Jin Shian finished speaking, looking at me with eyes full of contempt.

,The mercenaries who followed Tarantula, even the followers of the Order who were by Dwin’s side. All the people you killed must have committed sins worthy of death to the point that you didn’t feel even a little bit of guilt.”

Silence fell on the table. Jin Shian was glaring at me as if telling me to answer, and I rubbed my forehead, looking for something to say.

,…But they were trying to kill me.”

,Yes, you killed them without a second thought because they were trying to kill you. You don’t even remember the faces of the people you killed. How can such a guy shed so many tears just because some nameless kid died at Roel’s hands?”

At Jin Shian’s sarcasm, I burst out shouting.

,That kid was innocent!”

,Who knows, maybe that kid’s parents were actually executives of the Order. Who knows if they handed over the house they lived in to Confession as a hideout?”

At Jin Shian’s sarcastic voice, I bit my lip and said.

,…That’s a stretch.”

,But you hesitated just now. Just because the child was affiliated with the Order, your perception changes from ‘a child who shouldn’t die like this without any sin’ to ‘a child who deserves to die.’ Just like someone who wouldn’t have died if they weren’t at the Sixth Prince’s villa, died to you because they were at the Sixth Prince’s villa.”

,…So what do you want to hear? That a guy who killed bad guys without a second thought can’t be sad about the death of a child?”

Jin Shian scoffed and leaned his upper body closer to me.

,It’s an extension of what I said earlier. To make you realize how good it was to choose to be with me. I can solve your disgusting contradictions.”

,…How can you?”

At my question, Jin Shian shrugged as if making a light joke.

,Just accept it. That you are a disgusting hypocrite. A pathetic hypocrite who kills people without a second thought with a sense of justice, but sheds tears and feels guilt and regret at the death of a nameless child. I told you, let’s think simply. We’re just murderers. Where is right and wrong in murder? In the end, the reason for killing people is just to pursue the benefit of my survival, or for someone else.”

At Jin Shian’s words, I gritted my teeth and answered.

,…I knew I was a hypocrite. The scale inside me is a broken scale where even if I put tens of thousands of people on the opposite side, the center of gravity doesn’t balance if there is even one person I must protect!”

,Then why was Roel despairing at the action of sacrificing a child to kill Confession? Roel’s actions are exactly the same as what you said, aren’t they? That child was just on the opposite scale of what Roel wanted to protect.”

At Jin Shian’s sharp criticism, I felt like the words were disappearing from my mouth. Roel’s action of trying to kill Confession by piercing the child with a greatsword without any hesitation… There was no difference from the logic I had said. If it was to protect Luna… I would have done the same.

Jin Shian, twisting his lips as if mocking, said with a laugh.

,Stop doing the stupid thing of lying to yourself. It’s even more pathetic to pretend to be a hypocrite while saying you’re a hypocrite. I’ll ask you just one thing, answer honestly. Can you kill a female student attending the academy for no reason?”

At Jin Shian’s question, I shook my head. I’m not a crazy bastard who kills people for no reason. All the people I killed were people whose existence was harmful to others.

,Then what if that female student is actually the Cardinal’s fatal weakness, and if her death can lead to an ending where everyone can be happy?”

,…Then it can’t be helped.”

After a brief silence, Jin Shian laughed loudly as I answered with difficulty.

,What if that female student was actually Luna?”

,You son of a bitch!”

Without realizing it, I grabbed Jin Shian by the collar. As I got up and pulled my fist back as if to hit him, Jin Shian said with a sneer.

,This is your hypocrisy. You’re willing to kill someone who has nothing to do with you for your own benefit, but you freak out if it’s someone you’re connected to.”

,That’s obvious! After becoming Ross, I lived for Luna! You know that wanting an ending for everyone precious to me is all a reward for what Luna did for me!”

As I shouted in an angry voice, Jin Shian met my gaze with cold eyes and said.

,Even if that female student isn’t Luna, to someone, that female student will be the same as Luna. A precious person they want to protect, a child they worry about being sick somewhere, or someone’s affectionate lover.”

As Jin Shian’s words continued, I felt the strength in my hand grabbing his collar weakening. Thinking that the female student I had decided to kill was the same meaning as Luna to someone, I suddenly felt nauseous from deep inside.

,Roel’s justice is firm. He even kills and uses his own lover for the sake of his targeted justice. He feels guilt as if his heart is being torn out, but his steps never stop. That’s why his actions don’t feel hypocritical.”

Jin Shian knocked away my hand holding his collar and continued speaking with sharp eyes.

,But you call yourself a hypocrite, and you’re actually clinging to the framework of a hero that the Saintess put in your head. A hero who only kills bad guys. But a hypocrite who can harm others for the sake of the people precious to me. That’s why there’s a contradiction in your actions. Because you can’t do something if it’s Luna, but you can do it if it’s not Luna.”

My legs gave way and I slumped into the chair. Jin Shian, who approached me, said.

,To stand on at least equal footing with Roel, you have to change like that too. You need a firm determination, not just words, to sacrifice tens of thousands of innocent people for your goal of protecting the people precious to you. Like the author who gave the protagonist endless trials for fun, the author’s heart that set the continent on the brink of destruction so that Roel’s ending could shine even brighter. That’s what I can give you.”