Fading

If Roel-nim didn’t regress, how did I end up putting a sword to my forearm? It could be a completely coincidental action, but considering Rosalyn-yang wrote that I had changed, the possibility of it being a coincidence was low.

I asked Ellie, who was still looking at me with worried eyes.

,Roel-nim… after becoming a second-year, did he change or feel unfamiliar at all?

“Oppa…?”

At my question, Ellie furrowed her brow slightly, pondering with an, “Eung-eum.”

“No, I haven’t felt like he’s changed since entering the academy. Roel Oppa… has always been perfect, after all.”

Seeing Ellie say it as if it were obvious, the inferiority complex that had been dormant began to stir.

“Always perfect, huh.”

I muttered, repeating Ellie’s words, and then scoffed.

“Have you ever been disappointed in Roel-nim?”

Ellie quietly shook her head. She received my words with bitter eyes.

“There’s no way I could be disappointed in Roel Oppa.”

I snorted without realizing it. Yeah, how could the heroine be disappointed in the perfect Roel-nim? I clenched my molars without realizing it. This isn’t about venting inferiority or anger. This is a meeting to confirm whether Roel-nim is really an ally. Let’s just ask what I need to ask.

“After we entered the academy, Roel-nim definitely changed from before. Think carefully. There must have been times when he said things he didn’t usually say, or things you didn’t know.”

At my words, Ellie closed her eyes for a moment, deep in thought, and then opened them.

“If there’s any change in Roel Oppa after we entered the academy, it’s only that he became a Transcender. Everything else is the same as before I entered.”

Rosalyn-yang also said that I hadn’t changed much. I only managed to find one thing after searching through the records, and there was no clear evidence that I had regressed. Maybe this is just my overreaction. Just as I was sighing at that thought, I heard Ellie muttering.

“Something was strange during winter vacation, though….”

“Wait, what did you just say?”

At my question, Ellie flinched. She didn’t even realize she was muttering out loud, and her expression was clearly flustered.

“No, it’s nothing.”

“You just said it. Something was strange during winter vacation. Isn’t it related to Roel-nim?”

Ellie, who had been biting her lip at my interrogation, opened her mouth.

“Sometimes I felt like Roel Oppa was completely different. But that was before Roel Oppa even entered the academy.”

Ellie looked up at the ceiling of the classroom as if recalling her memories. Eventually, her gaze came down from the ceiling to me.

“The first time I felt it was… yeah, it was then. The day you unfairly got scolded for pushing Rose in the mountains and hurting her.”

I don’t have any memories of Ross’s past. So, when I looked at her as if asking for an explanation, Ellie sighed for a moment. Ellie, who had a strangely bitter smile, started with an unexpected remark.

“I’ve been wearing a kind of mask since my first memory began.”

“A mask…?”

It was an irrelevant introduction, but I decided to listen for now, seeing Ellie’s serious expression.

“I could roughly guess what people were thinking from a young age. What I needed to do to make them happy, what they wanted from me… I could know with a high probability. I was several times faster at reading the room than others. So, I wore the mask of a cute and well-behaved child who listened well, just like my parents dreamed of.”

Ellie raised her hand and stroked her cheek.

“No one noticed. Not even that I was wearing a calculated smile, or that I was trapping others and smiling inside. Because I wore the mask of a thoroughly and perfectly good child.”

Ellie, who had been looking down at the floor, raised her gaze and looked at me.

“The day I moved to the village. I saw a child. Like me, he was popular with everyone in the village and was a good kid. The moment I first saw him, I could tell right away from the smile he was wearing. ‘Ah, he’s wearing the same mask as me.’ The smile he was wearing was close to the perfection of the calculated smile I had been trying to create until now.”

For a moment, I didn’t understand Ellie’s words. Is she really talking about Roel-nim? Roel-nim, who always treats others with sincerity, wore a calculated smile…? But there’s no way Ellie could be mistaken. The setting that she’s quick to read the room is a similar quality to insight.

I asked in a calm voice.

“Did you really feel that way about Roel-nim? It’s not just that you wanted to think that way, is it?”

At my suspicion, Ellie gave a slight bitter smile.

“It was the day I met the only normal person who was acting stupid with me in a world full of idiots. I didn’t arbitrarily revise my memories or have delusions. I even wanted to imitate Roel Oppa’s smile so much that I practiced in front of the mirror alone for days.”

Saying that, Ellie smiled. It was a perfectly beautiful smile full of sincerity, to the point where you couldn’t feel the tears from before.

“But the day Rose got hurt and you unfairly got scolded. Roel Oppa was crying outside the house. At first, I thought you were being scolded by your parents, so he was outside, not knowing what to do and crying. So, I went to comfort him, but then I saw it.”

Ellie raised both hands and covered her cheeks.

“While shedding tears and being sad… Roel Oppa was smiling. A very sad smile that I had never seen before. A genuinely sad smile that made people want to sympathize, hug him, and comfort him… That was the day I fell for Roel Oppa.”

My heart beats on its own at Ellie’s words. I had an uneasy feeling that I was missing something most important. Why was Roel-nim smiling? Was he secretly enjoying me getting scolded?

“After that, I saw Roel Oppa’s sad smile a few more times. Whenever you tried to commit suicide, Roel Oppa would always shed tears alone, avoiding the eyes of others.”

I know from Ellie that Ross attempted suicide several times and Ellie saved him.

“During the winter vacation when you last attempted suicide. Roel Oppa watched over you all night and then disappeared, avoiding the eyes of others. I thought it was an opportunity, so I went to comfort Roel Oppa, who would be swallowing his sadness alone again. But….”

Ellie trailed off. Her expression was mixed with worry. When I looked at her as if urging her to continue, Ellie sighed and said with a determined expression.

“Roel Oppa wasn’t crying. He was just in the middle of the snowfield, expressionless, shaking off the ashes on his hands with the snow falling from the sky.”

I frowned without realizing it.

“That’s what’s strange…? That Roel-nim didn’t cry at my several suicide attempts?”

Humans are creatures of adaptation. Maybe Roel-nim adapted to Ross’s frequent suicide attempts. Or maybe he just couldn’t be sad anymore.

As I asked, thinking that, Ellie shook her head greatly, saying that wasn’t it.

“It’s not just that he didn’t cry that’s strange. When I called Roel Oppa… the moment our eyes met, Roel Oppa felt unfamiliar to me. Because he had never looked at me with those eyes before….”

I asked, feeling uneasy for some reason.

“…What kind of eyes are those?”

At my question, Ellie looked straight at me and answered.

“Not the eyes full of comfort that he showed to a close younger sibling, but… eyes full of longing and apology… eyes filled with emotions he had never shown me before. That’s why he felt unfamiliar.”

I felt a sudden chill. I instinctively felt that something was seriously wrong. I’m missing something. The clues are listed, but I don’t have the link to connect them.

In my head, the things that are explained if Roel-nim is a regressor clash with the things that are not explained if he is a regressor. Can there be contradictions in a world where plausibility exists? Shouldn’t eliminating contradictions be the nature of plausibility?

It’s full of questions. It wasn’t difficult to realize that it was impossible to solve this with my own strength alone.

I know that Roel-nim is not an enemy who will threaten my life. But there were too many disturbing contradictions to see him as an unexpected ally.

I had an instinctive feeling that if I acted rashly, I would make an irreversible mistake.

After organizing my thoughts, I said to Ellie.

“Thanks for telling me.”

Saying that, I tried to leave the classroom. But Ellie grabbed my arm, as if she had more to say.

“Ross… I’m really sorry. I know you won’t forgive me, but… I still wanted to apologize like this.”

At Ellie’s apology, I turned my head and met her gaze.

“After trying to kiss me when I don’t even have my memories?”

At my question, Ellie gave a sad smile.

“I thought you might regain your memories if I did something you despise.”

“Yeah, thanks to you, I was able to find my memories because I felt disgusted and nauseous.”

At my words, Ellie’s obsidian-like eyes shook for a moment.

“I guess I’m the worst for you after all. To the point where you want to forget your memories.”

I didn’t answer. Ellie swallowed her tears and nodded, then asked me.

“Can I say hello next time?”

“No, I won’t remember you again. Not your name, not your face.”

When Ellie disappears from my sight, the blessing of oblivion will be activated again. I won’t even remember this conversation.

Ellie, who had been silent for a moment at my words, forced a smile with her lips pouting.

“I only came to like you after losing you. So, I’m sorry. Because I realized too late that I did something I shouldn’t have done to you.”

I didn’t answer. Actually, I knew.

That Ellie had changed. Even though I knew, I treated her harshly.

It’s not that she tried to kiss me when I didn’t have my memories. Ellie stopped before our lips touched. If she really wanted to kiss me, there would have been enough time.

It’s just that I regained my memories in the meantime because Ellie stopped in front of me, and I belatedly raised my hand and covered my mouth.

Yeah, it’s too late.

Even if you realize your mistakes and change, there are things you can’t undo. Our relationship is over.

Only the one holding on will bleed. It’s just that I’m not the one bleeding anymore.

I said, pretending to be as blunt as possible.

“You don’t have to apologize. I won’t even remember it anyway.”

At those words, Ellie said with a relieved expression.

“That’s a relief. So I can tell you that I love you with peace of mind. I will love you, Ross.”

I don’t know what kind of expression I made when I heard those words.

Ellie just looked at me for a moment, then passed by me without saying a word and left the classroom. Leaving behind a strong strawberry scent.

As the strawberry scent gradually disappeared, I realized that the blessing of oblivion was returning, and I realized that I had to leave a warning that Roel-nim should not be trusted.

If I forget the conversation I had with Ellie, the questions in my head will also disappear. I had to suspect the regressor Roel-nim, who was full of contradictions.

I punched the wall with all my might. My skin tore and blood flowed, but the tingling pain awakened my mind. I desperately punched the wall, trying not to forget Ellie, whom I wanted to forget so much.

Finally, in order to be able to grasp the tail of the question of whether Roel-nim is really a regressor, I recalled a word related to Ross’s death. So that I wouldn’t forget, I took out a dagger from the space warehouse and engraved the letters on my forearm.

The memories of Ell■ disappear from my head in an instant. I was just talking to her, but now I don’t even remember her face.

The strawberry scent that lingered around my nose gradually faded, leaving only a faint impression, and finally disappeared.

Without leaving any trace.