episode_0394

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…Haa.

This is so frustrating.

Opportunities like this don’t come often—I wish I’d handled it better.

Of all things, I had to ruin the image I’d carefully built up right at the very end.

The rain, which had been forecasted with low probability since around noon, was still coming down.

By the time I got home and checked the clock, it was barely 2 PM.

Having finished my short schedule, I took off my rain-dampened T-shirt and headed for the bed.

Even though my hair and parts of my clothes were wet from the rain, the right thing to do would’ve been to quickly shower and change.

But I was just too tired and wanted to rest for a bit.

“Sigh…”

I don’t think it was so bad to put on a show of fake kindness for appearances.

After all, unless Seol Da-bin was actually disgusted by it, she never once showed any sign of discomfort.

If we had just parted ways laughing and joking around, today would’ve been a perfect day.

But at the very end, hastily catching Seol Da-bin as she slipped on the wet pavement was a huge mistake.

I should’ve looked where my hand was going before grabbing her, but of all things, I ended up doing it in the worst possible way—

—by cupping and lifting her underboob to steady her.

Given that Seol Da-bin already sees me as some kind of “perverted bastard,” I should’ve been extra careful about this kind of thing.

Remembering the unbearably awkward atmosphere afterward just makes me sigh again.

When we headed to the big convenience store she mentioned.

When I easily found the umbrella I’d lied about not having earlier.

When we went to the subway station to head home.

When we finally split up with one umbrella each and got off at different stations.

How many words did I even exchange with Seol Da-bin?

From what I remember, it was just:

“Found the convenience store.” “Be careful on your way.”

That’s it. Just two lines.

Hadn’t we been talking about all sorts of things while walking before we got to the pasta place?

As I retraced my memories one by one, I slowly lifted my body from where I’d been lying on the bed.

I know there’s no point regretting what’s already happened.

Instead of wallowing in this stupid mess, it’d be much more rational to prepare for what’s coming next.

“…Whatever. I’ll just have to do better tomorrow.”

If I show Lee Ha-yoon that I can treat her well, maybe I can salvage even a little of the image I completely ruined today.

Briefly recalling the suffocating awkwardness after catching her from falling, I irritably ran my fingers through my hair and headed to the bathroom.

394

I got scolded by Mom for not bringing an umbrella.

I got scolded by Mom for wasting money on a cheap plastic umbrella.

I got scolded by Mom for getting my shoes soaked again.

…But, well.

It didn’t really register.

Not because it’s the same old nagging I hear every day, but…

Because something else was bothering me.

“……”

Even the ear-scorching scolding only reached me this much.

Escorted by Dad as he passed by, I returned to my room, took off only my socks, and flopped face-first onto the bed.

Since parts of me were still damp from the rain, the right thing to do would’ve been to quickly shower and change.

But like I said earlier, there was just one thing nagging at me.

…Namely, when I slipped in front of the store earlier and was suddenly yanked toward Seo Woo-jin.

That thing I briefly felt through his pants.

Right?

That was…?

“…Pretty sure it was.”

The thing that sits between a man’s thighs and has that kind of texture.

The only thing that came to mind was his genitals.

I’ve seen enough porn to know—there’s only one thing it could be.

Of course, I’m not some kid just discovering sexuality now, nor am I the type to blush just from touching a guy.

I’ve held hands with Baek Ji-ho plenty of times, and I never turned red from that.

But the reason I can’t stop thinking about what just happened is…

Well.

“…Mmm.”

The size.

The strange size I felt when it touched me.

“I mean…”

It was roughly this big, I think.

Lying facedown on the bed like a toy with dead batteries, I slowly moved my hand and placed it near my pelvis.

To recreate the sensation of when it pressed firmly against Seo Woo-jin’s body… about… here.

Groping around my pelvis to match what I’d felt earlier, I lifted my hand to check.

What I saw was my left hand, with my middle finger and thumb slightly spread apart.

In terms of length, it was just a bit wider than my middle finger.

But something feels off.

Looking at it now, it didn’t feel massive like I thought earlier—not small, but not overwhelmingly huge either…

“……”

Still, if I factor in what Ha-yoon drunkenly mumbled about Seo Woo-jin’s size when erect…

Or that time on his birthday, when…

…it was shriveled…

…and compare it to how big it’d be when fully hard…

…

…Roughly that.

At least twice as big as Baek Ji-ho’s… probably…

And definitely way thicker too…

“…Wait, why am I comparing it to Baek Ji-ho…?”

…What kind of imagination is this, seriously?

Anyway. Even if I can’t 100% trust Ha-yoon’s words, it seems he’s on the larger side.

But no matter how much I think about it, the size I imagined feels too exaggerated to take at face value. Clenching the hand I’d spread out, I let it drop onto the bed.

Thud. A faint vibration traveled through the bedsheet beneath my cheek, my pressed-down chest, and my lower stomach.

“……”

…Whatever.

I should wash up first.

Was it because of what I said—”I’m going on a double date with a friend tomorrow”?

I ended up eating out for dinner after already having lunch outside.

The reason was pretty random, but… well, my parents enjoy dining out on weekends even without a special occasion, so I didn’t think much of it.

Or maybe they just wanted to take it easy instead of cooking since it’s the weekend.

After that, my parents left with a “We’ll take a walk to digest the food before heading back,” and by the time I returned home alone, it was already 8 PM.

Summer days really are long— With that idle thought, I went to my room and plugged in my phone first.

Since I’d been out all day, I hadn’t had a chance to charge it.

Then, after changing into pajamas and trying to relax a bit…

“……”

Like always.

Since my parents weren’t home yet.

I made sure to close the door tightly, put in my earbuds,

…but kept the volume low enough to hear if they returned.

“…Nngh…”

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I have rules for masturbating.

One. Avoid doing it when my parents are around.

Obviously, but in my case, I have to be extra careful.

The soundproofing between Baek Ji-ho’s room and mine across the wall seems decent, but between here and the living room, it’s practically nonexistent.

Even normal phone calls with friends get heard clearly outside, so that says it all.

Two. Always lay a towel on the bed before doing it.

The first time I messed up, I pretended it was an accident in my sleep, but…

At this age, I don’t have the confidence to play dumb if it happens again.

And I’m not sure Mom would believe me this time.

Finally, three.

…This one’s a rule I added a few months ago.

“…Ah, …nh… …Hah…”

Rather than focusing on the appearance or size of the actors in videos…

I prefer ones where the sound is erotic.

Especially…

…how should I put it?

A nice voice is good.

Dirty talk is good.

Moans are good.

But above all, what I pay the most attention to is…

The slap, slap sound of skin violently colliding during sex—those unbearably lewd videos.

The reason I only pick these kinds of videos to masturbate to is…

“Nh… …Hah, ah… …Ngh…”

I know visual stimulation is a thing too, but…

If I get too immersed in that…

…I might end up unsatisfied in real life.

“…Nngh…!”

If I get used to the dicks I see in porn.

If I get used to the dicks I see in hentai…

…I might, without thinking, really without thinking, react strangely.

Why is yours so small?

…Not that I’d say it out loud.

But my expression. My reaction.

He’d know.

Baek Ji-ho would’ve understood, which is why it ended without incident.

But like this,

As if to say only you exist.

As if to say only you and I are enough.

The sound of fucking like animals, slamming hips against asses over and over…

…Even if his dick is a little small.

If he just moves his hips hard enough…

He can still make that sound.

Slap, slap, slap.

Listening to the sound of strangers having rough sex, I move my fingers.

…Between my trembling thighs at some point.

Dripping embarrassing wetness onto the towel,

I rub my clit relentlessly until I’m fully satisfied.

This way, even if it’s a little small.

Even if it’s too small to reach climax…

…I can still be satisfied somehow.

Right?

“Hahh… …Ah?! …Hihk…!”

So, that thing I touched earlier…

I wish it would stop popping up in my head.

“Ah, ngh… …Nnh, …haah…”

It’s just that, like Ha-yoon said, it was surprisingly big, so I was curious.

Just a fleeting thought like I wonder if Ha-yoon and Ji-yoon don’t feel any pain during sex.

“…! …Hah… …!”

From the moment it touched me,

At the convenience store,

On the subway,

After getting home,

Under the cold shower,

During dinner out with my parents,

On the way back alone,

…And while planning to masturbate before my parents returned,

Even while actually masturbating,

…Like this, right before climax,

Please, stop trying to resurface in my mind,

Just—

“…Haaa… hah… haa… …Heeh…”

Get out of my head.

“…Just once more…”

A certain kind of video featuring men like him.

It’s been…

Months since I last watched one, after that mistake on my boyfriend’s birthday.