episode_0236

Obligations and responsibilities.

From birth, we live with privileges during our childhood, but once we become adults, we have to shoulder both duties and responsibilities.

It was a natural thing to do since I was an adult and a member of society.

But not all adults are responsible. Not all adults have the same obligations.

Just like my parents did.

Having a child was a responsibility. So am I qualified to have a child? Am I capable of taking on such a responsibility?

I was afraid that I would step on the same tramp as my mom and dad. My worries never went away.

Of course, I thought that things would work out somehow because I had Kylon and Jimin by my side. Just because Jimin was by my side, I didn’t think that I would go through the same trouble. But it wasn’t because I wanted to pass the buck. A woman’s body was mine, and my mindset was important.

I couldn’t help but worry. But more than anything, the reason I was having such a hard time was none other than trauma. The atrocities of parents who took in their children without permission and then abandoned or cut them off, saying that they were unwanted children, came to mind, and just the memory of that alone made me sit down.

I’m not a hedonist, but if it was just for the sheer pleasure of it, then I was fine with it. After all, it was the Kylon I knew.

But if you stop using contraception and try to have a child, it’s a different story.

“… Ugh.”

Alas, I couldn’t overcome my past on my own.

I was busy shaking with anxiety, knowing that I would not be on the same train as my parents. Am I stupid? Am I so weak that the trauma never heals?

It was painful. My heart ached so much.

Because I was sad that I couldn’t give him what he wanted, and at the same time, all I could see was the most painful scene I could remember.

“… Sorry, I guess I talked nonsense.”

He came up to me and patted my back. He said this in a soft voice, with a truly apologetic expression on his face.

I felt nauseous, but I didn’t actually vomit. I shook my body as if convulsing, and soon gave in to his touch.

He let out a sigh, letting out a steady breath.

“No. Sorry. I don’t think I’m mentally ready yet… ”

The pungent smell of dead plants seemed to be piercing my nose. A pile of garbage seemed to be looming before my eyes. I thought I could still hear the sound of the keyboard.

And then, beyond the door, it seemed as if there was a fight going on.

I bit my lip.

Having a child is a scary thing. My parents had a huge fight on the day they had the child, so I couldn’t help but think about that day and feel uneasy.

Even though I know there’s no way I could do that.

I hesitated and got up. My body, still exhausted, left the bathroom and headed outside.

As I reached the living room, not even taking a few steps, my body stumbled towards the sofa.

The sofa greeted me with a light sound, as if my body was not that heavy.

I threw myself there and collapsed as if I was leaning over.

I raised my arms above my eyes and blocked the view in front of me. The sense of stability seemed to put my mind at ease.

It’s painful. I was so happy for a year that I forgot about it.

I think it’s best to forget it because it’ll only be painful if I remember it anyway, but in the end, when I set foot on the same path, I have to recall the memory like this and let that awful smell brush my nose again.

It was painful. I wanted to forget. I didn’t want to live with these memories.

It was really terrible. I couldn’t understand how I could quickly forget things that I thought were not that important, but such horrible memories could not be properly forgotten and kept tormenting me as trauma.

“… Minhee.”

I’m Minhee, not Jimin.

I believed that if I lived as Min-hee, I would be able to forget my memories as Jimin, but here I was, having to let go of all those expectations and fall into misery again.

Until just now, I had felt a calm emotion of just being absorbed in sentimentality, but now I felt a disturbing emotion of being immersed in painful memories.

“Sorry for talking nonsense.”

“… No, it’s okay. I just had a bad memory… It’s not your fault, so it’s okay.”

I denied the sound of his apologetic voice.

There was no reason for him to apologize. Of course, he did provoke the trigger. But he didn’t know that he would provoke the trigger with something like that, so it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

I just held onto this past, didn’t accept it, just closed my eyes and ears and crouched down, so when I faced it, I suffered greatly.

“Want to cut it?”

Time had already passed evening and was becoming night.

If the atmosphere had been like that until now, they would have just kissed each other as usual, touched each other’s chests, and slowly taken off their clothes one by one in a dark space, put their naked bodies against each other, and whispered words of love.

But now was not the time for that, so a considerate voice came towards me, my mind exhausted.

He was kind. He was considerate. He was trying to calm her down again, even though she was at a loss about the wounds he had hurt.

I could feel a sense of calm and peace coming to me at the sight.

“I just want to lie down.”

“Really? Is the sofa okay?”

“… Why? Lie down next to me?”

As I lowered my arms and let the light into my eyes, I saw his face looking down at me.

His pure white hair was too noticeable, so he dyed it black. His blue eyes couldn’t be hidden, so they were left as is.

I can’t help but have golden eyes, so I guess it’s just the same.

When I asked him playfully, he nodded with the corners of his lips raised.

“Okay, lie down next to me. It’s too small for two people to lie down here.”

“… Right.”

The sofa is originally meant to be sat on. There is no problem with one person lying down on it, but it is a different story when two people try to lie down on it.

Now that I was on the sofa, I couldn’t lay him down next to me, so I ended up having to get up.

As I slowly raised my body, pressing down on the leather, his hand immediately came and supported my body.

My body was light, but even with that light body, my arms were shaking as if they were tired, so I couldn’t help but feel grateful for those hands.

“Thank you.”

“Okay, Princess, let’s go.”

huh?

In a flash, his habit was revealed again.

My body was held in his hands and held in a princess-like position, and in an instant, I felt a sense of floating.

“Hey, wait a minute. Why do you always lift me up?”

I was just planning to walk, but his hand held me and moved me for me, to the point where I thought my legs would atrophy if I stayed at home.

When I snapped at him as if I was dissatisfied, he grinned and answered as if asking me such an obvious question.

“It’s light. And it feels good to hold.”

“… You’re probably the only one who feels good about having people around.”

“It’s not that I feel good because I’m holding people, but it’s that I feel good because I’m holding you?”

… I don’t lose a single word.

“Yeah, yeah.”

As I sighed and answered dryly, he carried me and walked into the room.

I entered the large room and stared blankly into it.

And at the same time his hand gently lowered me onto the bed.

A soft, gentle sensation greeted me, and then his body filled the space next to me.

The space on the huge bed, spacious enough for two people to sleep in, felt like it was telling us that it was a world just for the two of us.

“… Okay, here we go.”

“Yeah.”

It was a familiar sight now. I couldn’t say that I was in a good mood, but I didn’t intend to continue feeling that way, so I quickly shook my head and tried to lighten the mood.

I didn’t want to spend the day holding onto my heavy emotions, and I also didn’t want to have him constantly worrying about me.

I rested my head on the soft pillow and looked up at the ceiling.

I was staring at the square light, then I blankly fixed my gaze on it and quietly opened my mouth.

“… The child is about ten months old when born.”

“Minhee, that’s… ”

“I know.”

I knew that I was scratching at my own trauma.

But still, since I’m not going to do that, there’s no reason for me to be tied down by trauma forever, right?

“Still, I want to proudly say that I love you.”

He muttered like that.

Of course, I’m not saying that everything is good.

I wanted to listen to Kylon because he liked it, and I didn’t want to reject him because I didn’t hate him either.

But it was impossible now. I wasn’t ready at the moment.

Of course, I thought about it many times. But what kept coming back was my trauma and my lack of ability.

I wonder if I can take responsibility for a child. Of course, I won’t be violent or neglectful. But in the end, I’m worried that having a child means being irresponsible when you can’t take responsibility for yourself, and that that act is no different from what my parents did.

The child will surely be happy if he is left to his own care.

But then, doesn’t that mean I’m giving you nothing? Can you say that just because you have affection, you’re taking responsibility?

I didn’t want to look like my parents, at least.

That seemed to be the source of the trauma I was afraid of.