episode_0217

I had a dream.

It was a dream of Eugene returning.

I was happy all day.

I had a dream.

It was a dream in which Eugene was found dead.

I canceled everything I had planned for that day, stayed in my room, and cried endlessly.

I had a dream.

I had a dream again.

And again, and again…

I never stopped dreaming.

Some people say please give up.

Someone else told me to wake up from my delusion.

But what should I do if I keep dreaming?

It’s not like I can follow my dreams however I want.

What does it mean to not be indifferent?

My personality is like that.

There were only funny things.

So I just ignored it.

Even if I listened to it, there was nothing I could do about it, and not listening didn’t cause any disruption in my daily life.

Do you want to know whether I’m going to stay in Director Nam’s house and be lazy or not?

All you have to do is do your job well.

I’m not acting like I’m bipolar to the outside world, and I’m not crying and saying I miss Eugene.

You’re doing well…

There’s no problem.

Why do you keep saying things to me?

I just don’t understand.

“Eugene? Is it Eugene?”

“······.”

It’s a dream again.

Eugene’s dream that he has had for the first time in a long time.

I was so happy that I stretched out my arms.

Then, with a tremor, Eugene was dragged straight into the bathtub.

“Hehe. It’s Eugene…”

“······.”

Come on.

I know that he hugs me really hard, but maybe because it’s a dream, I don’t really have any strength.

I am afraid that Eugene will scatter and disappear, so I hold him tighter.

But my arms and legs could not move as if they were underwater.

“I missed you. I missed you. Ugh. Why did you come so late?”

“sorry.”

“No. No. I’m sorry. It’s too late… I should have gone to pick you up. I should have gone to take you out…”

that day.

What did Eugene think in the collapsing dungeon?

I wonder if he might have resented me at that last moment.

I don’t want to be hated.

I don’t care if everyone in the world hates me, points fingers at me, and curses me.

If only Eugene remains by my side, I will be satisfied.

I wasn’t greedy or anything.

That’s really all I need…

All I need is Eugene…

Why are you taking Eugene away from me?

“I didn’t know it would end up like this… I really didn’t know…”

I am being punished for the mistake I made back then.

Punishment for not being satisfied with Eugene being by my side and giving up my greed.

To this day, I am still being punished for saying harsh words to the only person on my side, the most precious person in the world.

If I were to go back, I wouldn’t.

I would live satisfied with what was given to me.

You know what a great blessing it is to have Eugene by my side…

“Huh, huh… Eugene… If he lived, tell me he lived… Why… Why… Why… A corpse? “It disappeared without leaving anything behind… Why are you leaving me hope… Why are you making it so difficult…”

I know.

The more you hang on, the harder it gets.

It’s much better to forget half of it, get over it, and live on.

Yerina is like that, and Yulia… um… is she better than me?

Anyway, everyone is doing that.

But I just can’t do it.

Just thinking about Eugene possibly being dead makes my heart swell and my vision turns black.

Everything in the world turns black and white, and the feeling in my fingertips disappears.

Meaning in life disappears, and thoughts of wanting to die soon fill my mind.

How do I do something that doesn’t work?

I know I’m foolish and foolish…

What should I do if I can only survive this way?

What should I do to keep from feeling like I want to die only when I cry, laugh, and have ridiculous delusions as Eugene appears in each of my dreams?

“Eugene······.”

“huh.”

“Am I pathetic?”

“It’s pathetic. Why are you so pathetic?”

“That’s right… I need to move forward, but I keep getting caught up in the past… and now I’m clinging to something I have no way of doing…”

“······.”

Naturally, Eugene is silent.

Eugene in his dreams is always quiet.

He just hugs me, strokes me, and gently repeats words like I love you.

I asked something pointless.

I stuck my nose into Eugene’s heavily scented arms and inhaled and exhaled repeatedly.

It smells like the real thing today.

Really… Seup… Eugene… Sigh… Sniff…

“Uh huh…?”

It was about time when I tried to look up at the face that I felt that the texture, the scent, everything seemed real.

A large hand covered my eyes and made me lower my head.

Yes, I thought it was just a dream and was about to bury my face in Eugene’s chest again.

“Who is pathetic? No one thinks that way. If they do, it’s because they don’t know you very well.”

“······.”

A voice flowing into my ear along with warm breath.

It’s a voice that puts your mind at ease.

This is the first time I’ve seen Eugene babbling about something, instead of Eugene remaining silent as always…

It was like the real Eugene, and I felt like I didn’t want to wake up from a dream.

I decided not to raise my head again.

I decided not to reach out further here.

If I do that, I feel like Eugene will disappear and I will wake up from this dream…

“If you say foolish, it means foolish, and if you say stubborn, you mean persistent. How many people survived thanks to your persistence. Even in Cologne, if it weren’t for your stubbornness, you wouldn’t have noticed what was going on underground until the very end.”

“Hehehehe…”

“And what’s wrong with being stuck in the past? What’s wrong with regretting? Being able to regret means that there is room to turn back.”

“No. No… Even if I regret it-”

“It’s good to be able to regret. I can’t even regret the events of the timeline that ended with no room for reversal.”

“······.”

Kuuk.

For some reason, it seemed like the strength to hold him had become stronger.

Eugene’s voice seemed to be filled with an inexplicable sadness.

“If you really care, just remember this one thing. What I love is Jill Diner, who is foolish and obsessed with the past and keeps regretting it. Even if you hate yourself, I will like you until the end. What I am in love with is you. That it was to.”

“ah······.”

this. It’s a dream, right?

I feel dumbfounded.

As stories flow in that I never imagined I would hear from the puppet in my dream, I suddenly become depressed and my heart aches.

A hand stroking my head.

And thick forearms that put strong pressure on the lower back.

It’s all Eugene.

It’s Eugene… but it’s too Eugene.

Eugene is clear, not blurry or hazy.

“Eugene······?”

I really can’t stand it anymore.

I need to see your face.

I have to reach out.

I need to confirm that this is a dream.

He slowly slipped out of the embrace and stretched his hand upwards.

I trace Eugene’s face and examine it.

Then, with your eyes closed, bring your face so close that you can almost feel your breath.

The moment I pressed my slightly tilted lips.

“Saint. Are you there?”

“Huh…!”

I woke up startled by the sound of a knock on the door.

At that moment, Eugene, who was covering me, disappeared, and I sank into the bathtub.

When I woke up in shock, there was no one around and I was alone in the large bathroom.

“ha······.”

It seems he was so tired that he fell asleep while taking a bath.

Look at my mind.

“We apologize for the inconvenience during your break. I am reporting that we have lost contact with the airship fleet.”

“Yes. Thank you. I will go to the command tower in a moment.”

I shook my head and took a breath.

When I woke up, why was I so out of breath?

For some reason, I calmed down my startled heart and slowly got out of the bathtub.

I must have been in it for quite some time, but the water went from lukewarm to cold.

“······.”

A dagger gifted to Eugene.

The dagger that I had arbitrarily abandoned, then stolen and left behind again, caught my eye.

That dagger.

It was stuck on the floor.

As if someone had stabbed it hard.

“Keuung······!”

I had to use as much strength as I could to pull out the dagger stuck in the floor tile.

what? Did I put it in my sleep?

I wouldn’t have been able to insert it this deep with my own strength…

It only lasts for a moment to be overcome by a strange feeling.

Thinking of my lieutenants waiting for me, I quickly started getting ready to go out.

On the surface, it may not seem like me and the military commander are compatible, but it was an important decision that only I could pull off.

It is an army formed by bringing together various forces from around the world, but who will lead this if not me?

Even if someone from Gaul is in charge, there will be a lot of talk, even if you are from Palana, there will be complaints, and even if you are from a holy country, there will be people who do not follow you.

This is something that only I, a saint, and a being treated in common by all people around the world, can do.

The responsibility is enormous and the weight of each decision is great.

That’s why I always felt a sense of pressure every time I stepped forward as a commander.

I was nervous every time I had to suppress my weak self and play a charismatic and strong saint.

Strangely enough, I’m not that scared today.

There is no hesitation in my hand as I put on my uniform.

Why? What’s different today?

“Hehe…”

I noticed.

After finishing straightening my hair, I stood up.

When I look in the mirror, I see a smile on my face.

It was not a forced smile that he always made before leaving, but a natural and gentle smile.

“I don’t give up.”

Is it because of the dream I just had?

I felt like my fading hope had been recharged.

I’m tired of just waiting without any further promises.

I was tired of just crying and laughing alone.

Now it’s my turn to go find Eugene.

You don’t see a possibility?

You don’t even have a clue as to where Eugene has disappeared to?

So what.

Eugene has always been swimming in this sea of uncertainty.

Without knowing anything, even when nothing was certain, I took a step forward and pioneered a path.

“Make a reservation to interrogate the demonic sword, or rather, the great devil. I have something to check, too. And bring the broken tombstone. I need to see the cross section.”

This time it’s my turn to go find Eugene.

It is time to catch Eugene, who is lost and drifting in the sea.

I will save Eugene, who loved me like this, in my own way.