episode_0208

[Episode 204] – Pregnancy Diary (2)

“A diary…”

Late at night.

I sat at the desk, gazing at the notebook I had brought from the study. As advised by the doctor, I intended to write a diary, but when it came down to actually writing, I felt lost about how to begin.

Although the doctor had explained how to write a diary, the task of writing one that I had never done before left me hesitant. How could I put into words sudden emotions…

Perhaps it’s because the reality hasn’t sunk in yet.

With only the pen twirling aimlessly in my hand, I ended up closing the notebook without writing a single word. It wasn’t like my appetite had changed; it was just that I couldn’t bring myself to write anything.

Is it so hard to accept the fact that two women can conceive a child together, that Titania impregnated me? Or is it the disbelief that ‘I’ am pregnant that’s hard to grasp? Honestly, I’m not sure.

“Well… I suppose I’ll feel something as time goes on.”

As per the doctor, they mentioned that morning sickness could start as early as this week, so maybe I should jot down my feelings in the diary then. Failing to write anything, I simply closed the notebook and headed to bed.

“Why are you reading so intently?”

“Oh, this?”

As I headed to bed, I noticed Titania lying down, engrossed in reading something. Sneaking up beside Titania to see what she was reading, I couldn’t help but smile.

“Where did you find all this information?”

“I asked the maids who have given birth with the doctor.”

A paper filled with notes about things pregnant women should be cautious about. Titania seemed to be studying the contents meticulously, almost as if trying to memorize them. I guess that’s why she’s been spending so much time with the doctor lately?

“It’s my mistake, so I should take responsibility, right?”

“Hmm…”

Has she already realized she’s going to be a parent, unlike me? Despite my presence, Titania couldn’t tear her eyes away from the paper, which made me feel somewhat proud of her newfound sense of responsibility. Proud, but…

“It’s hard to put into words.”

It’s admirable for a daughter to embrace parenthood, but ideally, shouldn’t a daughter be looking after her child, her ‘grandchild’? Yet, the daughter’s child is also my own…

“Truly, there’s no family tree quite like ours.”

The absurdity of recording such a family tree for the royal family flashed before my eyes. They must agonize over whether it’s appropriate to engrave this in the history of the royal family. I can’t help but feel sorry.

“Mother?”

“Oh, yes. Should we sleep now?”

Furrowing my brows in contemplation, Titania, having organized the papers, tapped my side and gestured for me to come closer. Reluctantly moving closer, Titania naturally pulled me into a warm embrace.

With her head resting on my shoulder, Titania smiled softly. Her playful demeanor was no different from when she was a child. That’s why it felt even more confusing. I am still Titania’s ‘mother.’

Becoming a ‘mother’ again feels oddly unsettling.

*

-Week 5

There haven’t been any changes in my body yet. The doctor mentioned that morning sickness starts around week 5, but my appetite remained unchanged. In fact, I was told I was eating a lot.

Are you really inside me?

If you are, please give me a sign. Why are you so quiet? The doctor said it’s normal to be quiet at five weeks, but your silence makes me doubt if there’s really a child inside me.

Maybe it’s because the reality hasn’t sunk in yet, that reality…

*

-Week 7

You’re here. You were here.

I’m sorry for doubting. Huh? I’m truly sorry.

So, could you please stop bothering me?

I need to eat for you to grow. Please, baby.

First Section:

I realized for the first time in my life that such a foul smell could come from food. The smell of the food didn’t distinguish whether it was sour or rancid. What should I say, the smell of rotten meat? The smell of blood?

No matter how hard I tried to endure and chew it forcibly, an unpleasant nausea arose every time I did. Vegetables and fruits were a bit better, but putting food in my mouth and chewing it down itself was torture.

As I struggled to chew and swallow the food, I finally became certain.

Really, truly, I am pregnant. Up until now, due to the lack of any changes, I couldn’t help but doubt if it was pregnancy, but this time, I was sure. That a new life is growing inside me.

Moreover, that it’s me and Titania’s child that’s growing.

The first emotion that arose with certainty was joy rather than confusion.

Like the doubts I had until now were lies, the fact that a baby was growing inside me was incredibly joyful. Memories of raising Titania when she was young also started flooding back.

I wonder if other ministers have become certain now too; the Minister of Education gifted me baby shoes today. A pair for a girl and a pair for a boy. Indeed, the Minister of Education has good taste.

Suddenly, looking at the baby shoes, I became curious too.

Will you be a boy or a girl?

Honestly, it doesn’t really matter.

I just hope for a healthy birth.

Second Section:

– Week 12.

My appetite has improved significantly.

Now even when I eat, I don’t feel nauseous, but has my taste changed a bit? I heard that the foods I crave have changed compared to before. It seems Shin Yang often looks for sweet fruits.

Could it be your taste?

Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever actively sought out fruits myself. I would have them as dessert, but I rarely thought about wanting to eat fruits. It must be your taste for sure.

Sweet things are nice, but liking them too much might be troublesome…

And slowly, I can feel you growing now. My lower abdomen has started protruding, and there’s no other way to describe it now except as a pregnant belly. It’s still small, but I heard it will grow bigger as time passes.

For some reason, Titania has been spending more time caressing her belly lately. Are you feeling it too? Every night, her parents’ touch, so gentle that it feels warm to the skin, caresses you.

By the way, what should I call Titania? Mom? Dad? Little mom? Big mom? Or maybe sister? Brother? But that doesn’t seem right? Titania is my daughter, and you are my child too…

Really, what should I call you? I’ve been pondering about it every day lately. When I asked the ministers last time, they seemed confused as if they had heard an unsolvable puzzle. How amusing that was.

…Really, what should I call you?

Third Section:

– Week 23.

It’s already been half a year since I got pregnant. I’m somewhat looking forward to being able to see you soon, but it’s also scary. They say giving birth is painful, right?

The doctor said if things go wrong, they might have to cut open my belly. Is that what they call a cesarean section? Please, may you come out normally. If they have to cut my belly, I might end up resenting you for a while.

Anyway, lately, I’ve been feeling my body getting heavier as you grow. Now, even standing is starting to feel uncomfortable. Still, I can’t just lie down all the time, so I’m practicing walking…

The maids and Titania seem very anxious whenever I stand even a little and quickly try to get me to lie down on the bed. It’s quite exhausting to lie in bed all day long.

So sometimes, using you as an excuse, I go out for a walk. Saying that my baby wants to see flowers or feel the wind. Whenever I say that, Titania’s expression is just so amusing.

Now, it will soon be the day when you will truly rely on me. I wish it would come quickly, yet I also wish it would come a little later. It’s a truly complicated feeling in many ways.

*

“By the way… Have you decided?”

“Huh?”

“The name of the child. Of course, since we don’t know if the child in Her Majesty’s womb is a prince or a princess, shouldn’t we come up with two names for now? We are good at this sort of thing. Often, names are taken from the names of past royal family members-”

Like an excited child, Bangsyo started talking about the child’s name. It’s not like I hadn’t thought about the child’s name. I had already discussed it with Titania.

As Bangsyo pointed out, since we didn’t know the child’s gender yet, we had to think of both a boy’s and a girl’s name. While the name for the boy had not been decided yet, the name for the girl was already chosen.

“Your consideration is appreciated, but…”

“Yes?”

“…If a girl is born, I would like to name her ‘Veronica.’ Would that be alright?”

The name of my ‘daughter’ whom I can no longer meet. Since I can no longer meet her, I wanted to at least pass on her name. I wondered if it was okay to name her Veronica, but…

“…Is it not okay? Surely, Veronica would be happy with it.”

Titania positively responded to my thoughts, saying it was a good name. Was Titania thinking the same as me? At that moment, I began to regret sending Veronica away.

Was there really no other way…

“Veronica… Veronica… If a girl is born, she will become Princess Veronica Snow White. I think it’s a good name.”

“Veronica Snow White… Yes. That sounds right.”

Bangsyo seemed quite pleased with the name Veronica, repeatedly mulling over the name with a grin. I hesitated to ask for the reason.

With a chuckle, Bangsyo neatly divided the stack of documents brought and handed them to me again. The papers were filled with the names for the boy and their origins, along with the recommender’s name.

Bangsyo, the Minister of Education, the Minister of Foreign Affairs, and even the other ministers. All the ministers had densely written down the names they had thought of for the future prince and princess.

These children… Did they make a bet on deciding the baby’s name?

Why so serious? Even on a topic they are suspicious about.

“Now that the princess’s name is decided, we should now decide the prince’s name. Come now, we have carefully selected a very good name. From here on, these are my selections-”

“Sigh…”

Without paying attention to my sigh, Bangsyo began explaining each of the names written down in detail. Whether this king did this or that king did that, he went on for so long that it felt like my ears were going to fall off.

As we finalized the names for both the boy and the girl, time passed quickly. It felt as if someone was deliberately spinning the clock hands faster, leaving me breathless.

And time flowed on.

“Huh…?”

“Mother? What’s wrong?”

While taking a walk in the garden for some exercise, I suddenly felt something strange. My stomach felt cold, and it seemed like something spilled down below. As the doctor had mentioned, this feeling was unmistakable.

“Oh, it feels like my water broke…?”

“…What?”

My water broke a week earlier than the expected due date.

It was a time of emergency in the royal palace.