episode_0186

[Episode 182] – Running away becomes a habit

There is an order to everything in the world. Order is the flow of things, the process, or the principle. To make things go correctly, there were rules that must be followed.

For example, even to eat the steak on the plate in front of you, there were various orders to follow. Like using a fork to secure the meat and then cutting it with a knife before putting it in your mouth.

There was also an order according to the course meal. Starting from the appetizer, then soup, bread, main course, salad, dessert, tea, and so on—anyway, there was an order to the process of eating.

You cannot just ignore the order and eat the dessert that comes last before eating the appetizer. You can do it recklessly, but it would seem impolite.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is…

“…So, I’m planning to have our first night together, when do you think would be good?”

“…? Uh, yeah…? What did you say?”

It was awkward for me to suddenly talk about planning our “first night” together. Even in relationships, there is an order and stages, isn’t there? No matter how much I accepted Titania’s confession…

‘Isn’t it too soon for our first night…’

Thinking like that, I unconsciously furrowed my brow at the weighty feeling of the ring on my ring finger. I usually didn’t wear rings, so the weight on my ring finger felt particularly heavy.

Anyway, I hoped we could keep to the order. Even if our relationship was already twisted, that’s why I felt we should adhere to the order even more.

‘…What should I do from now on.’

I started to pick at the meat with my fork, chewing thoughtfully. Then I glanced at Titania. She seemed nonchalant as if nothing was happening.

The seemingly nonchalant appearance was utterly detestable. I was so preoccupied that I could hardly swallow my food, yet Titania appeared completely unconcerned. It even made me inexplicably angry.

“Am I the only one feeling flustered…?”

I lowered my head deeply with a sigh after swallowing the chewed meat. Why is Titania in such a hurry? Come to think of it, we’ve only been dating for a day.

“Shouldn’t I just wait a little longer…?”

Frustrated and unable to eat half of my meal, I quietly got up and slipped out of the restaurant. For now, it seemed best to wait until Titania’s emotions cooled down.

Knowing it wasn’t right, I unintentionally kept distancing myself from Titania. I quietly sighed while caressing the ring on my ring finger, which felt unusually heavy today.

*

“Mother, tonight if you could-”

“I’m sorry, I’m tired today…”

“…No, it’s okay.”

From the moment she asked for help preparing for the first night, Vivian clearly felt that Titania was intentionally avoiding her. She would evade conversation and wouldn’t stay in the same place for long.

Even though she didn’t want to notice, she couldn’t help but notice. Was she too hasty? But, it couldn’t be helped. The time she had endured until now had been too long. To be honest, it was reaching the limit of her patience.

“Should I endure more here…?”

Titania bit her lower lip as she looked at Vivian, who sat with her back turned. It had been nine years already. She had realized her feelings for her mother when she was 12, and now, it had been nine years since then.

For the past nine years, she had hidden, endured, and somehow persevered through her feelings for her mother. Even when her mother wore provocative lingerie or embraced her while wearing it in bed.

Until she graduated from the academy, Titania never once reached out to Vivian with affectionate gestures. Well, at that time, her mother could only see her as a loving ‘daughter’.

Titania had to faithfully fulfill the role her mother desired for her daughter. That’s why she didn’t drop out of the academy, even though she wanted to countless times, because she didn’t want to disappoint her mother.

Due to being separated for so long, when a strong impulse of longing occasionally overwhelmed her, Titania would cool her desire by comforting herself with what she had learned from novels.

Covering herself with a blanket in the dormitory at the academy, she would secretly console herself while thinking of her mother’s face. Of course, after relieving herself, the overwhelming guilt prevented her from doing it often.

She couldn’t understand her own desire towards someone of the same sex, especially towards her mother whom she respected as a parent, but despite that, this feeling towards her mother never disappeared.

Still, back then, she could endure as long as her mother was by her side. She thought that graduating from the academy and living with her mother again, just like before, would allow her to hide this feeling forever.

But what happened after she graduated from the academy?

Her mother left her side and ran away. Perhaps that was when she decided not to hide this feeling towards her mother anymore. After all, if she continued to hide it, her mother would run away again.

Even after bringing her mother back here from where she had fled with Katarina to the countryside, even after confining her and confessing her feelings, her mother still treated her as if she were a beloved “daughter.”

Even after going to such lengths, her mother seemed to not know what kind of person her fostered daughter was. No, it might be more accurate to say that she pretended not to know. It seemed like she didn’t want to believe this reality, so she kept running away.

Until then, she was simply a fostered “daughter” who had been raised with all her heart to her mother. However, what she wanted from her mother was not familial love, but an entirely different emotion.

Rather than just a mother-daughter relationship, she wanted something deeper, something beyond just being a daughter and a mother, a relationship where they only wanted each other. What Titania wanted from Vivian was such a steadfast and deep relationship.

In the end, as time passed, the wedding ring she had given was placed on her mother’s ring finger, and it became the “relationship” she wanted, but for some reason, Titania felt worse about the relationship than before.

Since dating her mother, she didn’t hold hands, didn’t kiss, and didn’t even attempt a kiss. They just spent time in the same room, and she didn’t even embrace her when they slept.

Can this be called dating?

No matter what, this wasn’t it. How long had she endured? She knew her mother valued “order,” but what on earth was the “order of love”?

They held hands since she was young, kissed, and even had a relationship that went as far as kissing. Her marks were still deeply imprinted on her mother’s thighs and neck, they just hadn’t crossed the final “line.”

But now, start over from the beginning?

Titania tried hard to suppress the rising emotions. She did understand her mother’s feelings. It must be confusing for her to have this kind of relationship with her daughter.

Her mother also needed to prepare herself. She could understand that much. That’s why she suggested planning the “first night” to her mother that day. To allow her mother to prepare mentally.

“Mother.”

Titania looked at Vivian sitting with her back turned to her. Her mother hesitated at her call. Titania approached her and sat in front of her, making eye contact.

“Let’s talk.”

“Talk…?”

At the suggestion of talking, her mother moved around like a cat on guard, raising her hackles. Seeing this, Titania furrowed her brow, wondering if she had said something she shouldn’t have to her mother.

“…Do you not love me, mother?”

“That, that can’t be. I love you, so the curse will be lifted… So…”

As her mother started to justify herself, her face turned red at the word “love” that came out of her mouth. Honestly, Titania couldn’t understand her mother’s behavior.

Why do you act like someone in love for the first time?

“…Then, don’t you ever feel like doing something to me because you love me?”

“Like what…”

“For example, wanting to touch me.”

Titania grabbed Vivian’s hand and placed it on her chest. Titania was proud of her small chest, claiming that there were enough places to touch.

Pulling her mother’s hand over her bra, she forced her to touch her chest. Startled, Vivian tried to pull her hand away, but Titania didn’t let go until Vivian touched her chest.

“Do you not have any desire to touch me or anything like that?”

“How could I have such thoughts… no matter what, you are my daughter…”

Irritated by the word “daughter” from Vivian’s mouth, Titania sighed heavily, furrowing her brow. She knew her mother only saw her as a “daughter,” but did she really have to say it now?

Titania held Vivian’s hand even tighter, forcing her to touch her chest. Feeling someone else’s touch at her fingertips, Vivian jerked her hand away and turned her head.

“I always wanted to touch you. I wanted to kiss you or touch you because it’s hard to do so. I wanted to be closer to the person I love.”

“I, I never…”

Titania slowly approached Vivian. Trying to avoid her, Vivian took a step back and ended up being pushed by Titania onto the bed.

Between Vivian’s legs, Titania didn’t stop. Slowly removing her gown, she looked down at Vivian and spoke out what she had been holding back.

“Ordinary lovers don’t disregard the person they love like you do, Mother.”

“I’m not indifferent, I just… because you’re my daughter…”

“Mother. No, Vivian.”

Once again, Titania’s atmosphere quickly sank at the mention of “daughter.” Now she was on the verge of irritation. The ring worn on her left ring finger should have explained enough.

For the first time, Titania called her mother by her “name.” It seemed to be a problem that she continued to call her mother. Vivian looked up at Titania, swallowing dry saliva, under her cold gaze.

“We are ‘lovers’ now. Isn’t that right?”

“Well, yes, but… still… Yes! Because we are lovers, the ‘order’ is important, isn’t it? If you come out like this recklessly, I…”

“Order? What do you mean by the order you are talking about, Mother?”

“Well, that’s…”

Vivian quickly racked her brain to try to defuse the situation. She tried to continue her excuses by recalling romance novels she had read before or the dating knowledge she knew.

“Uh, like holding hands first…?”

At the mention of holding hands, Titania quickly grabbed Vivian’s hand. Clasping her fingers, she held Vivian’s hand so tightly that it almost hurt, and looked down at Vivian.

“What’s next?”

“Uh, um… Hugging…?”

At the word “hug,” Titania forcibly lifted Vivian up and hugged her tightly with the hand she was holding, squeezing so tightly that there was no room for even a slight gap.

“What’s next?”

“Uh, well… kissing-!”

At the word “kiss,” Titania pulled Vivian’s neck and kissed her so forcefully that it made it hard for her to breathe. Their lips collided roughly, but there was no thought of pain.

Titania pressed against Vivian aggressively, making it hard for her to breathe, exchanging breaths by pushing and pulling away. She invaded Vivian’s mouth with her saliva, mixing their tongues.

She pressed against Vivian roughly, making it hard for her to breathe, exchanging breaths by pushing and pulling away. She mixed her tongue, holding Vivian’s head firmly to prevent her from escaping.

Saliva dripped from the tip of the chin and landed directly on the chest. Even though her whole body was sticky with someone else’s saliva, Titania didn’t care and continued to explore Vivian.

“Hu, hu…”

As Vivian struggled to breathe, she forcefully pinched Titania’s shoulder, causing their lips to part. Gasping for air, Vivian collapsed onto the bed without even wiping away the saliva around her mouth.

Titania looked down at her and smirked, wiping the saliva from her own chin with the back of her hand. The sensual act of licking the saliva off her hand left Vivian with nowhere to look.

“What’s next?”

“N-next…?”

What comes next?

Struggling to continue her thoughts with a head that had turned pale due to lack of oxygen, it wasn’t easy. Unable to answer, Titania leaned in and whispered into Vivian’s ear.

“We’re mixing our bodies, right?”

“Ah, no…”

Due to Titania’s actions, Vivian couldn’t say anything. Titania unhooked her own bra and, revealing her bare chest, placed the discarded bra on Vivian’s face.

The warmth of the bra that had just been wrapped around Titania’s chest enveloped Vivian’s face. Swallowing dryly, Vivian could do nothing but stare blankly at Titania, who had taken her place between Vivian’s legs.

In response to the denial, Titania smiled and replied, “That’s right.”