episode_0181

veronica. I am Veronica. And it was also Han Ji-min.

You might laugh because it’s a woman’s name, but what can you do? I chose this name thinking it was my daughter, but when I came out, I didn’t want to give it another name, so I stuck with it.

It is said that people live their lives according to the name they were given.

So, I tried to console myself by saying that the name ‘Han Ji-min’ was the way I was supposed to live. It was a kind of defense mechanism, a kind of masturbation.

And I faced that situation again.

‘Veronica’ had to live this kind of life, and I could only groan as I remembered again that it was me.

I was busy rationalizing the situation and saying that I couldn’t help it.

I told myself that this was because of the environment, that it was not my fault, and after running away, I was always greeted by a room where I was alone.

There was no way or reason to leave this place, just existing.

Instead of not being able to go out and do something, how relieved it is to reach a situation where you don’t have to go out and do something.

Yes, maybe I was afraid of change. Perhaps, I was afraid that my relationships with people and my emotions were all changing.

But it was different now.

My emotions were already in a mess, torn apart, exposed, and eventually repaired, leaving me feeling different from the first time. It was all because of Kylon.

At first, it was because of the existence of a person named Yoo Min-hee, who I thought was a crazy lesbian.

Now it has to be me and him. It has to be her.

It had to be the person who told me that no matter what I looked like on the outside or what I felt on the inside, it was okay to be by my side.

Even if my appearance changed, my heart ached that my insides would not change.

So I gladly accepted the growing contact of our skin.

I felt at ease because the scary trauma felt immediate and the itchy throat felt like it had disappeared like snow melting at that moment.

If one day I can melt a person’s heart like this, won’t it be another person’s heart?

I had always been alone and had never thought of having someone by my side, so I couldn’t help but smile because I was so happy that Kylon had opened a new path for me and my heart was opening up more and more.

I think I kept pushing it away at first, but that was back then and now is different.

“Ugh.”

As I groaned, Kylon glanced at me with his eyebrows narrowed, as if he was worried.

After that, I saw him moistening his lips to soothe his upset stomach.

“… Veronica, are you okay?”

“Yes… ”

Maybe I’m being too foolish. I don’t want to do it, but I’m forced to do it.

Ugh, no. The paranoia that preyed on the anxiety that once bloomed and inflated my size always caused trouble for me and the people around me who cared about me.

After barely coming to my senses and letting out a sigh, I took a trembling breath and tried to regain my senses by taking deep breaths.

But now, those random thoughts, self-deprecating thoughts, and fearful thoughts quickly turned into other thoughts.

As his body got closer and closer to mine, the sensation became stronger, my eyes widened, and a moan escaped me.

The thing that made that sound and dug into my body rushed at me as if it wanted to kill me right away, and with its momentum, it was soon busy crushing the baby inside me.

I also thought that it might be dangerous if my body didn’t have immortality.

Feeling a dazed thought, I narrowed my brows and glanced at Kylon, who was shaking his hips while holding my leg.

“… Are you having a hard time today because of what happened?”

“Ugh, ah, uh, uh… ”

A moan escaped from the feeling of the uterus being pressed against the cock, the feeling of the vagina being throbbed, and the feeling of being relieved in places that could not be scratched with hands, and Kylon sighed as he answered through the gap.

Then, he slowly began to increase the speed of shaking his hips.

The movement that made only obscene water sounds while moving slowly, squeak, squeak, changed into the sound of the dick being inserted inside with a slop.

And the sound became more intense until it was drowned out by the intense sound of skin hitting each other.

I felt like it was much better to just be a fool like this.

If I was going to suffer from itching, it seemed much better to go crazy with pleasure and feel good.

But before I got that excited, I quickly caught sight of Kailon’s expression.

He was shaking his hips vigorously, but I wasn’t sure if he was in a good mood or if he was thinking too much and it showed in his facial expressions.

I wondered if I was the only one who felt good now, and I also wondered if I had done something wrong to Kailon.

I couldn’t remember what it was, so I felt anxious for no reason, and all I could think about was that I might have felt tired of being held so desperately by trauma.

Tears came to my eyes.

Just now, I thought I was so happy that I was moaning and crying, but now even this pleasure only made me anxious.

While I was groaning, wondering if I looked like a really annoying woman and that I had unnecessarily made Kylon feel bad by being perceived as such, Kylon opened his mouth.

“… love you. I hope you don’t get sick.”

“Love… Do you?”

“Yes.”

I already know the answer, but why do I keep feeling anxious?

Maybe it’s because it’s a love I’ve never received before that I think I might break at any moment.

Actually, I’m anxious. That’s right, I’m anxious.

People’s emotions sometimes feel like an iron wall and are difficult to approach, but isn’t it human that when they see someone else’s face, they quickly tear down that wall and turn it into a sand castle?

I mean, I was scared.

I felt aggrieved, thinking that the feeling had burned in an instant and then turned to ashes, that I didn’t know you, and that we shouldn’t see each other anymore.

It was a reality that hadn’t happened yet.

It may be a reality that will not happen in the future.

Nevertheless, it was me who drew it and trembled over a future I did not know.

Love is always difficult.

Even though I didn’t know when the feelings that I immediately said I loved would change, I just thought that the person who immediately ignited those feelings was amazing.

“… I love you too.”

Even though I felt anxious, I continued talking.

The feeling of loving each other was something I threw together just in case, thinking that what we do for each other will make our hearts stronger.

Saying that, Kylon smiled.

Kylon, with his grim and gloomy expression like before, was nowhere to be found.

As I started to think a lot, I thought I might die again, I might be tortured in front of everyone, so what would I do if I left Kylon like that? When I felt that fear, I scratched my neck again.

Kailon, who placed his hand on my thigh for a moment, let out a sigh in surprise.

“Veronica, don’t do it. Stop… ”

But it itches. How many people can be calm in the fear of not knowing when or what will happen to them? In the end, it’s unsettling.

I express that anxiety through self-harm.

The pounding, pounding sound stopped for a moment.

At that moment, Kylon came to a position where he looked like he was going to crush me from above and grabbed my arm again.

“Cover it, whoa. sorry. sorry… ”

“No, it might be itchy. I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything about it… But, you can’t just sit there scratching until it bleeds… ”

I should be sorry to Kylon for causing him worry, but Kylon was saying he was sorry for not being able to solve it.

I wondered if this was right.

But still, I was so thankful that I smiled bitterly.

A smile that endures pain.

“Then, me.”

The reason my throat was itchy was because of the rope that had killed me over and over again, dozens of times, hundreds of times.

The thought of hanging there again made my throat itch because I was afraid, but I wished I could change that memory.

So I asked him a favor.

“Ka, Kylon is pestering me.”

“What?”

“I think the strangulation was just because of what happened with Kylon… ”

“Then you can’t breathe.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. It happens sometimes.”

“… … .”

“You know.”

Kylon frowned. His expression crumpled. Because there was no way he didn’t know what I was talking about.

He told me to strangle him and told him to just accept it as if he was doing breath control, which is one of SM’s plays.

Of course, this was one of those radical training methods where even breathing was controlled, but I still liked it.

If my life, my physiology, and even my breathing were under his control, I could accept it.

“… If I do this, I think I can have good dreams.”

I hoped.

Ask me to cover up the scary memories.

Then, Kailon’s hand slowly comes up to my neck.

My throat was still itchy, but as soon as Kylon placed his hand on my neck, my hand just rolled around on the bed as if it were dead.

My hand was moving away from my body, but it was okay because the other hand was around my neck.

As I looked down at Kailon in the same lying position, Kailon took a deep breath and gave strength to his hands.

“I’m doing it because I love you.”

“Yes, pester me as much as I love you.”

I know it sounds crazy.

However, even for a moment, I felt comfortable with my tightened breathing.