episode_0169

Slowly Learning Again and Breaking Apart

“So, what you need to do, Unnie, is watch the people of the royal palace go about their day.”

“…..? What kind of strange thing are you suddenly saying?”

At first, it was truly difficult to understand. To suddenly watch the daily lives of people outside… what connection did that have to my miserable state, and how could it help my prayers? At the time, I couldn’t comprehend it. However, Merien’s eyes were filled with certainty. And with a confident voice, she told me.

“Don’t doubt me, just trust what I say! What you need most right now, Unnie, is to observe what those people do!”

“Hmm… well… since I lost the challenge… I guess I could trust…?”

“….? Why are you suddenly like this, Unnie?”

When Merien, with a voice full of certainty, urged me again to try it, I thought it wouldn’t be bad to trust her for now, especially since I had lost her challenge. But you know what? That decision itself was a new experience for me. That I, who had until then only held the Goddess Camilla in my heart, would come to trust someone else… A mysterious thing had happened to me, who had trusted no one during my arduous training except for the Goddess Camilla.

‘What’s happening…? I’m supposed to only have the Goddess Camilla in my heart… So why did I make room for Merien in a corner of my heart…? Why…?’

“Unnie!! Are you listening to me?!”

“…!! Ah… Ah, yes…. Bu… But I am not permitted to leave this place freely. It is customary for all Saintesses to dedicate their personal time to studying scripture or praying within their rooms…”

“Why? Is there a law in the kingdom that says so?”

“Ah, yes… The Camilla Order established this way of life as a rule so that Saintesses would not fall into other distractions. It is the duty of a Saintess to live an ascetic life so that prayers do not go astray, so whether I wish to or not, I cannot leave this place.”

“Heh… What a strict rule… No wonder I thought Unnie didn’t know such basic common sense… Hmm…”

To others, it was truly an incomprehensible rule. But we, whose bodies were meant to worship only the Goddess Camilla, accepted it as natural. Furthermore, we believed that as long as we could serve the Goddess Camilla, we could find satisfaction even in such an ascetic life, so no Saintess ever thought it strange. After understanding why I couldn’t leave this place, Merien pondered for a long time before speaking to me.

“Then, would you move as I tell you, Unnie?”

“What?”

“You haven’t forgotten I’m a petty thief, have you? So I know all the ways to move without being noticed by people! So if you move as I tell you…”

“A-Are you telling me to break the rules?! I can never accept that, Merien!! How could you say such irreverent things….!!”

Remembering that the proper demeanor of a Saintess was to have no interest in anything other than the Goddess Camilla, I was furious at Merien’s words, which sounded like an instruction to break the rules, and rejected her suggestion. However, Merien grinned, as if she had expected such a reaction from me. At that, I was greatly flustered by her smile, and Merien spoke to me.

“You’ve already let me into your room, and you’re even talking to me like this during study time, so what’s the point now, Unnie?”

“….!! Che… How petty…!! With what’s already happened…!!”

“So, since it’s already happened, why not try other things? I promise! It won’t be something you’ll regret! It’s not like it’s theft, so just do as I say!”

“Ugh… Ugh…”

Knowing full well that Merien would refute anything I said, I eventually decided to move according to her words. She explained to me how I could move around without being noticed by the soldiers. Perhaps because Merien was a petty thief, she knew exactly when and how the soldiers patrolled the royal palace. Her explanations were so specific that I couldn’t help but believe her.

“Haaah… To think I’d be doing something like this… It really feels like it would be better to study scripture during this time, but…”

“So tell me… If I confessed to the Saintess-nim, do you think it would work?”

“….! Hmph…!!”

So, for starters, I followed her words, tiptoeing down the hallway, unnoticed by others. Then, if I sensed someone’s presence, I would hurriedly hide somewhere. Really… thinking back, it was quite a sight, wasn’t it? I, who had indifferently shown myself to others… now had to hide from their eyes, acting against the rules…

‘Ugh… What am I doing right now…?! No… More than that, why am I listening to Merien…? I did say I would, but… c-can’t I just go back on it?! What’s important to me right now is prayer and devotion to the Goddess Camilla… Why am I listening to such a petty thief…?’

At the time, it was an action I couldn’t understand even when I thought about it myself. I couldn’t even feel the humiliation I tasted then, so I couldn’t comprehend at all why I was listening to Merien. Looking back, it was truly bizarre. Why had I gotten so excited when I answered Merien’s questions incorrectly…? It was a mysterious experience for me, who had lost my emotions, but at the time, I felt even that mystery to be strange and was only confused.

‘Haaah… Should I just go back and study now? Besides, I still need to finish deciphering the ancient text said to contain the Goddess Camilla’s legend…’

“Ugh… give up. How could someone like you ever win the heart of Saintess Aria-nim? She’s a truly cold and rational person.”

“Ugh… But you won’t know unless you try, right?!”

“Don’t you remember how all the nobles from other kingdoms who proposed to our kingdom’s Saintess were rejected?”

“Gyaaah!! You can’t just give up because of that!! I’ll definitely try it!!”

Just as I was thinking it would be better to go back and finish my work, I happened to overhear a conversation between passing soldiers, and a strange curiosity began to sprout within me. No… more accurately, it was after meeting Merien that a peculiar curiosity began to emerge within me. And so, driven by this curiosity, I moved as Merien had instructed. Hiding somewhere and eavesdropping on someone’s conversation…

“Hey. Is your family all right?”

“Yeah… Saintess Aria-nim looked after them, so they all got healthy… Haaah… I feel like I should give a gift to the Saintess-nim…”

“Tell me about it… To even give gifts like that… And she’s moving without rest too. Haaah… She should get some rest…”

‘….People were worrying about me… Huh?’

I started to observe someone’s daily routine. Then, I developed a small curiosity about the daily lives of others… especially cooking, cleaning, and laundry. That’s how I became so good at cooking. I developed an interest, and whenever I had a chance, I was curious about how the palace residents cooked.

“You have to add the flour like this for it to spread evenly.”

“Ohhh….!! That’s amazing!”

‘Hmm… No, wait… Where do I have time to be so engrossed in observing cooking?! I should go back and pray to the Goddess Camilla…’

But even that curiosity couldn’t separate me from the Goddess Camilla. And so, with a slight interest in the daily lives of others, I began to decipher the legend. However, I had no idea at the time that it would become a source of immense regret for me.

‘….The legend of the Goddess Camilla… To become an apostle of the Goddess Camilla, countless sacrifices are needed. This is to prove one’s strength and inform the Goddess Camilla that one can become an apostle… Haaah… Is this truly the Goddess Camilla’s word and legend? What a ridiculous story…’

No matter how curious I became about others, it couldn’t push away my devotion and faith toward the Goddess Camilla. So I thought the legend was a nonsensical story and likely false, believing that Esrad IV, who worshipped the same goddess, would also think so upon seeing it. After deciphering the remaining parts over three years, I handed the decoded text to Esrad IV.

“Ohhh… This is the legend of the Goddess Camilla, passed down through generations in the Esrad Kingdom… Thank you, Saintess Aria.”

“I have merely fulfilled my duty, so there is no need to express gratitude, King Esrad.”

“Yes… Just this… With just this…!!”

“….?”

At the time, I didn’t know why Esrad IV was trembling, holding my decoded text with both hands, his face filled with elation. I was simply faithfully carrying out my assigned task. After handing the ancient text to Esrad IV, I continued to live for half a year as always, secretly observing the palace residents and offering prayers to the Goddess Camilla. Then one day, after finishing my sermon at the cathedral, I met a young couple.

“You are truly beautiful today as well, Saintess-nim. Perhaps you have a moment…?”

“…..?”

“Ah… Ahahaha… It’s nothing, really, but we wish you good things always… We baked some cookies, would you like to try one?”

They were a couple who ran a bakery, and they said they had prepared cookies as a gift for me, who always diligently performed my duties as a Saintess. It felt truly strange. Originally, no one ever gave me gifts… But strangely, I subtly thanked the couple and accepted the cookies. Just as I was about to put the received cookie into my mouth in my room…

“It looks so delicious, Unnie! Can I have some too?”

“….Gasp…!! Cough cough…. You… You are…?”

Merien came to visit me after a long time. But something felt strange. Compared to the Merien I met three years ago… she looked much thinner. Furthermore, seeing her eyes, which seemed exhausted, I felt something was amiss and spoke to her.

“You… You… Why are you so thin?”

“Ah… It seems everyone’s been living hard lives these days… So there’s not much to steal and eat… Hehehe… So, about those cookies… can I have them?”

“Ah… Yes…”

When Merien asked for the cookies, I immediately gave them to her. Then, recalling Merien’s words about everyone living hard lives these days, I belatedly realized that indeed, fewer people had been visiting the cathedral recently. And Merien, seeing my flustered expression, grinned and said.

“What… Unnie, you’ve really changed a lot, haven’t you? You used to speak so indifferently… but now you can show interest in someone.”

“….Now that you mention it… I did feel something strange ever since you told me to observe other people… What exactly did you do to me?”

“What do you mean, ‘what did I do’? I just thought you might find it interesting to watch other people’s daily lives… so I told you to do it.”

“Interesting…?”

That’s right. What Merien had noticed when she first met me was that the concept of ‘fun’ had completely vanished from me. So Merien wanted me to feel even a small bit of enjoyment, and that’s why she made me observe the daily lives of others. And Merien’s thought was accurate; I gradually became more interested in other people’s routines. And that brought about many changes in me.

“Lately, people seem to like that you’ve been smiling, Unnie. They say the previous Saintesses never did that.”

“Me… smiling…? Th… That can’t be…”

“You must have done it unconsciously… Haaah… So, how did it feel to watch other people’s daily lives?”

“How did it feel, you ask…? Uhhh…”

When Merien asked me how it felt to observe others, I couldn’t give any answer. It was difficult and awkward to express what it was exactly. Seeing me in such a predicament, Merien smiled sweetly and said to me.

“It was fun, wasn’t it?”

“Huh? Ah… Yes… How to put it… It felt like the emotions I had as a child, when I wanted to get close to other people, had returned…”

Merien’s advice helped me rediscover my childhood feelings, and only then, in response to her question about whether it was fun, did I understand why I had been so interested. Then Merien, having finished the cookies, handed me a cloth wrapper and spoke.

“Actually, I came to see you this time with a real purpose, you know?”

“Yes?”

“That… Right now… people in the kingdom are disappearing one by one… Do you know about that, Unnie?”

“….??”

I simply could not understand Merien’s sudden words about people in the kingdom disappearing one by one. So I answered that I knew nothing about it at the time, and Merien simply said she understood and left. I continued my usual daily routine, not understanding why Merien had asked me such a question. Then, after another half year passed, I accidentally set foot in the royal palace basement and realized the reason why the kingdom’s people were disappearing one by one…

“Th-This… is… bloodstains…?”

Descending into the royal palace basement, I was greatly alarmed to find bloodstains there. At that time, I had finally opened my heart to others; my emotions had returned to the point where I could even smile at people after finishing prayers at the cathedral, so the bloodstains in the basement were a huge shock. And I slowly went further into the basement. And there… I saw the deranged Esrad IV and the countless corpses laid before him.

“Th-This… what is this…?”

“Ah… Saintess Aria… Thank you very much… Thanks to you, I’ve learned how to obtain even greater power… and that countless sacrifices are needed to succeed in this ritual!!”

“What…?!”

I should have reawakened my heart earlier. If I had, I would have understood the meaning of Esrad IV’s smile back then… But Esrad IV was already impatient enough to sacrifice everything to become an eternal king, and I didn’t notice it at all. And only then did I understand why Merien had asked me half a year ago about people disappearing. The people of the kingdom already knew that their King had gone mad.

“I shall perform the ritual here and now, Saintess Aria…!! If I do, I will become an apostle of the Goddess Camilla and an eternal king! By receiving her power!!”

“Th-That cannot be…!! The Goddess Camilla did not leave this legend here for this purpose!!”

“What are you saying, Saintess Aria? Wasn’t it you who perfectly deciphered the ancient text? You should know well what is written in the ancient text!!”

“!!!”

Upon hearing Esrad IV’s words, I recalled that I hadn’t acted cautiously because I had underestimated the legend, due to my earlier lack of empathy for others, and began to regret it. Ah… Esrad IV truly believed that was the Goddess Camilla’s legend. But at the time, I had no need to worry. I believed that the Goddess Camilla would help me, given my devoutness. However…

“As expected… that Saintess too… gasp… was an accomplice…!!”

“…? Wh-What?! The soldiers clearly said they had suppressed all the rebels!?”

“Rebels…? What in the… Huh…?”

When a man with a wound on his abdomen appeared, Esrad IV was greatly startled, and hearing him say that all the rebels had been suppressed, he was deeply flustered. Nothing had been heard in the kingdom… but outside, people had apparently been resisting the King’s soldiers. They had all been caught, and Esrad IV was about to perform the ritual in peace, but then one of the common people suddenly appeared, startling him.

“Right now… those piled-up corpses… are the people who died resisting you, Esrad IV… They are the noble people who stood against you…!!”

“Indeed, that’s right… You will now become my power and live eternally with me…!!”

“Gasp… gasp… If everyone… if everyone were to become your inescapable sacrifices in the worst-case scenario… we decided to unleash our trump card… Don’t you hear something burning, Esrad IV?”

“Something burning? What in the… Huh…?”

When the commoner asked if something was burning, I, Esrad IV, and the surrounding ministers and knights looked around. Then, seeing a long fuse slowly burning from where the man was, Esrad IV was greatly surprised and shouted.

“No… No way…!!”

“From the moment most of the kingdom began to be slaughtered by you… this kingdom was already doomed… Farewell, you cruel tyrant. And you too, the mad Saintess who told that damned tyrant a crazy legend…!!”

“You… you damned! Get out now….”

Immediately after, a bomb hidden among the corpses exploded, simultaneously causing an enormous flash of light, and I lost consciousness from the shock of the blast. When I opened my eyes later… everything had been destroyed. The Esrad Kingdom had fallen.

“…..? What on earth…”

However, I, who had unconsciously generated a shield, was able to survive the explosion. And so, I stared blankly at the ruined kingdom, where everything had turned to ash. For me, whose heart was just beginning to reawaken, it was a massive shock that felt like my heart would stop. Then, as my eyes caught sight of a person in familiar attire buried within a pile of rubble, I removed the rubble with trembling hands, and…

“Ah…. Aah…. AAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

Witnessing with my own eyes Merien’s lifeless body, I ultimately screamed. And so, amidst the ash-filled ruins, I tasted belated regret and despair, and was discovered by the slave traders wandering nearby. And then…

“I met Zeke-nim.”

“…..”

Having heard all of Aria’s story, I was frozen solid, too shocked to speak. Aria’s past was beyond anything I had imagined. And… I was now beginning to understand why Aria had acted the way she did all this time. So that’s why Aria… had behaved like that towards me… because she was clumsy at expressing her feelings…

“But Zeke-nim’s encouragement and comfort were truly… an enormous shock to me, enough to repair my broken heart. No one had ever… actively comforted me so much for my sake before. I had received gratitude, and even laughter… but Zeke-nim was the first to directly comfort me like this. That’s why I cast out the Goddess Camilla, whom I had believed in so strongly, and took Zeke-nim into my heart. Zeke-nim… Thank you so much…?”

As Aria began to thank me, saying that my comfort had truly impacted her greatly, and thanks to it, she had cast out the Goddess Camilla from her heart and taken me into it, I carefully embraced Aria with trembling arms. Then Aria, seemingly content with my embrace, smiled brightly and said to me.

“Zeke-nim’s embrace… It’s really warm.”

At Aria’s words, tears involuntarily began to stream down my face. I resented my foolish self for only now learning Aria’s past, which I should have known much earlier. In the now dark forest, I embraced Aria, silently offering belated comfort.