episode_0166

Ssssssssssss─!

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My vision blurs into white and my mind fades.

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Is this what people mean by life flashing before your eyes?

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Even in this moment, Seo Yeonju worried about being honest. In her mind, she recalled words she’d heard at least once in her life.

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‘Your mouth is your worst enemy, you’ve slipped up again.’ ‘…They were disappointed when they saw the real me.’ ‘How should I change my attitude?’

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The people who crossed paths with Seo Yeonju had said things like this at least once. They were always troubled by being too honest with themselves. They racked their brains trying to figure out how to hide it.

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But Seo Yeonju was the opposite.

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She had never been honest, and it wasn’t hard for her to hide herself. How could she even reveal herself as she is in the first place? She doesn’t even know what her true self is.

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Isn’t honesty a weakness?

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People are hated, not respected, make mistakes, and give others a reason to attack them because they reveal themselves as they are.

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Seo Yeonju hated that.

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So, she thoroughly concealed herself. Thanks to this, Seo Yeonju’s life didn’t completely lack enemies, but there weren’t many either. She’s proud of having endured and lived well until now.

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However….

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Now, she’s a little curious.

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Why do people consider honesty, which is no different from a weakness, to be a precious value? And at the same time, what is the true Seo Yeonju? Does such a thing even exist?

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Soon, the scenery completely changed.

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Seo Yeonju thought she had fallen into a strange space.

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‘…A road?’

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When she came to her senses, she was standing on a straight road. However, there was a wall behind her, so she had no choice but to move forward.

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“…”

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Seo Yeonju felt a strangeness.

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Because it was too vivid.

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Such a space couldn’t possibly exist in reality, but the sensations she was currently feeling were very vivid. Would this be how it feels to have a lucid dream where your mind and senses are clear?

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“Umm.”

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Anyway, she seemed to be trapped here. But before she could even think about how to get out, something hit her ear.

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─Seo Yeonju, what is your life?

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It was a majestic voice echoing throughout the entire space.

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“Ah!”

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Seo Yeonju was startled by the sound, but at the same time, information flowed into her mind. She would only be able to leave this space if she found the answer to that question.

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‘What is my life? How am I supposed to know that?’

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But the question was only temporary; Seo Yeonju was soon distracted by something else. She sensed someone approaching from afar.

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Following the road, she saw a child with gaunt cheeks. The child was looking in a mirror and crying sadly.

“Sniff, waah! Haaa…”

“That’s…”

Seo Yeonju couldn’t help but be shocked.

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“…That’s me?”

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The child’s identity was none other than a young Seo Yeonju.

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The tag on young Yeonju’s chest read . Yeonju was surprised again at how frail she was at the age of nine and approached her, saying.

“Hey.”

“Sniff…. Haaa…”

“Why are you crying? What’s so sad?”

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Then the child shook her head.

“I’m not crying, I’m practicing crying.”

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This is the answer of young Seo Yeonju.

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“I have to cry as sadly as possible so that my mom and dad stop fighting. That’s why I need practice.”

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Seo Yeonju was surprised.

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Now she understood, and she felt that she had really lived like this at the age of nine. This child was definitely her younger self.

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Seo Yeonju parted her lips with difficulty.

“Those damn people, even if they don’t fight…”

“I know. It doesn’t actually improve our relationship; it just stops the fighting temporarily. I’m old enough to know that.”

“Even knowing that, you still practice like this?”

“It’s better than fighting all day long.”

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That’s when it happened.

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─Seo Yeonju, what is your life?

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The majestic voice echoed once again, and 9-year-old Seo Yeonju jumped up and shouted at the sky.

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“Life is about stopping Mom and Dad from fighting! It’s about praying that they don’t get divorced!”

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It was like a brainwashed soldier making an oath. Seo Yeonju wanted to say a few words, but 9-year-old Seo Yeonju didn’t show any further interest.

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Eventually, she had to continue along the road, but it wasn’t long. Soon, she had to stop again.

“…”

She wasn’t blocked by an obstacle.

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However, this time again, she had discovered another version of herself. She looked a little more mature than the one she had just seen.

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Could she be in middle school? Seo Yeonju muttered.

“What on earth is this space…?”

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Yeonju, wearing a tag, was standing in a bus stop-sized space decorated like a school hallway set. She looked quite chubby and overweight.

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Seo Yeonju spoke to her.

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“What are you doing here?”

“I’m being punished.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t have my math textbook for math class.”

“Did you forget to bring it?”

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Then 15-year-old Seo Yeonju shakes her head.

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“No. I lent it to Soyoung.”

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It was an absurd story that she lent the textbook to another student and was being punished in the hallway herself.

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“Soyoung is really scary. But if I can get on Soyoung’s good side, I can have a good time at school. I’m sick of being bullied. I hate it…”

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“…”

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Memories of her 15-year-old self also came to mind.

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Right. She lived with this mindset back then.

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Seo Yeonju was once again sure that this place was not a completely separate world, but rather a reflection of her own life. That’s why the young Seo Yeonju’s were all telling the truth.

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Once she realized that, she became intrigued.

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The feeling of remembering things she had forgotten, and the feeling of talking to herself, was amazing. It was an experience she had never had in her life.

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Seo Yeonju smiled bitterly.

“…Right. I was bullied.”

“Every day is terrible.”

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The voice of 15-year-old Seo Yeonju was gloomy. It was hard to believe that a young child’s voice could be so dark.

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“I can’t team up during gym class, and it’s better to skip lunch. I’m always lying face down during breaks. It’s hard to endure every time I’m made fun of.”

“Yeah. It must be really hard.”

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─Seo Yeonju, what is your life?

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15-year-old Seo Yeonju also jumped up and looked at the sky.

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“Life is about going to school against my will!”

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She couldn’t talk anymore, but instead, the front part of the road became a little brighter. As if telling her to move on.

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Seo Yeonju continued on with a bitter heart.

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Eeeeeeeeeeeeng─!

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Suddenly, she heard a siren. At the same time, she discovered herself wearing a tag. Her first-year high school self was sitting on the floor.

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Seo Yeonju looked around her.

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Police and paramedics were gathered in front of a house with smoke coming out of it. 17-year-old Seo Yeonju was coughing, holding her neck. As if she had trouble breathing.

“Are you okay?”

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“Cough… Hack… I didn’t die after all…”

“You were probably trying to die, right?”

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17-year-old Seo Yeonju nodded.

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“I thought I could die comfortably by lighting briquettes, but it was so painful that I ran out.”

“Right. That’s why you failed.”

“I did it because I thought living was harder than dying, but when I actually tried to die, I realized I didn’t even have the courage to die. Why am I so pathetic?”

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17-year-old Seo Yeonju grabbed her hair.

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─Seo Yeonju, what is your life?

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“Life is torture that I live because I can’t die! I want to find a way to die comfortably if there is one! Please!”

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Seo Yeonju moved on again.

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Suddenly, she saw herself running like crazy on a treadmill. The name tag attached to her chest was now .

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She was very thin compared to her chubby school days, but she looked like she was about to collapse, yet she was gritting her teeth and running.

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Seo Yeonju said.

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“You’re going to collapse if you keep doing that.”

“I have to become at least a little prettier. I realized something this time: the prettier I am, the kinder people are to me. So, I have to lose weight.”

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Seo Yeonju remembered it easily.

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At the age of 20, she accidentally lost a little weight and realized that the reaction around her had improved, and that led to her desire to improve her appearance.

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─Seo Yeonju, what is your life?

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“It’s about looking good to others, even just a little bit!”

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That was the answer of Yeonju.

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At this point, Seo Yeonju felt strange.

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She had already faced herself from four different periods of her life.

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They were all living fiercely in their own way, and they were also acting in ways that were appropriate for their age… But still, something was strange. Soon, she was able to realize the reason.

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‘They’re asking me about my life, but they’ve never once talked about me. It’s all about other things.’

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They’re asking about Seo Yeonju’s life, but there’s no mention of Seo Yeonju.

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Being mindful of her parents, being mindful of her friends, being mindful of the world, being mindful of the people around her… That’s all it is. Now that she puts it together, she understands. Her life was only filled with others.

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She felt a little impatient.

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Maybe.

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Maybe Seo Yeonju’s life doesn’t even exist.

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─Seo Yeonju, what is your life?

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‘My life is…. what is it….’

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Seo Yeonju moved on, carrying her question.