episode_0164

– Thump, thump, thump.

Edan, who suddenly faced the confession in an unsettled state of mind, was flustered in many ways.

The sudden crisis caused his heart to beat rapidly, as if it had started pounding during the kraken subjugation in the lake.

Various emotions, such as the confusion of receiving a confession, the regret of not giving a proper response, and the gratitude for having his life saved, all rushed into my heart at once, causing a great deal of turmoil.

As Edan approached a little closer, the pounding of my heart against my chest felt even faster and heavier on his face.

“It looks like you’re okay on the surface.”

“Oh, yes… It’s because Lady Cerista took special care of me…”

“Thank you for your care, Lady Cerista.”

“Oh, no. It’s my duty.”

“….”

“If you have something you want to say…”

“Oh!”

Cerista, who seemed to have sensed something in Edan’s quiet gaze, responded promptly and swiftly walked out of the room, leaving Edan and me alone.

“Uh, you two must have a lot to talk about, right? I’ll leave you alone for a moment, so feel free to talk!”

“Wait, Lady Cerista…”

“Thank you for your consideration, Lady Cerista.”

“If your condition suddenly worsens, feel free to call for me anytime!”

-Swish, thud!

With her final words, Cerista closed the door and disappeared, leaving only Edan and me in the three-pyeong room.

Due to Cerista’s noisy exit, an awkward atmosphere began to flow between the two of us, unsure of how to start the conversation, with only the sound of my heart quietly ringing in my ears.

“….”

“….”

-Thump, thump, thump.

…Calm down, calm down.

I’ve been seeing that face every day for over five years. Why am I suddenly thinking strangely now?

It’s just my heart playing tricks on me because of the life-threatening situation where he saved me. Maybe in a few days, this awkward feeling will surely calm down. If not, then I’ll deal with it then…

“Are you really okay?”

“Huh?!”

“…Lilith?”

“Oh, yes, yes! I’m, I’m perfectly fine! I’ve always said that being healthy and strong is my strong point, right?”

“I’ve never heard that before…”

“Haha, is that so…?”

…My words keep getting tangled up as I think too much.

I never imagined I would face Edan like this already. I barely regained my senses just last night after almost dying, and the past two days have been busy with worries about other matters as well.

As I pondered what to say, Edan was the first to bring up the topic of conversation.

“Lilith.”

“Yes, Lord Edan.”

“I’m sorry about what happened last time.”

“Yes, I also appreciate what happened last time… Yes, yes?!”

I had intended to express my gratitude as soon as I heard about what happened last time, but Edan’s words turned out to be an apology towards me, leaving me tilting my head in confusion.

“Are you apologizing? What exactly are you sorry for, Lord Edan?”

“I’m sorry for putting you in danger because of the strange things I said last time, Lilith.”

“Is there any connection between what you said last time and me being in danger?”

“If I hadn’t tried to confess to Lillis, she wouldn’t have suggested going to the lake on a boat. In the end, it’s as if I put Lillis in danger.”

“W-what are you talking about, Lord Ethan! When I suggested going to the lake that day, it was just my opinion. It’s because I was overly concerned about what others might think…”

“No. If I was going to have such an important conversation, I should have found a place where we could talk alone from the beginning. Not on a bench by the lakeside park under the influence.”

“Oh, no… That’s not…”

No matter how much I thought about it, Ethan’s words were completely nonsensical.

It was me who suggested talking alone on the lake where I was concerned about others’ opinions.

I forgot that it was the area where the abyssal kraken appeared and entered the lake without fear, putting both of us in danger.

I only believed in one water-walking spell and abandoned the boat, almost dying after defeating the kraken.

There was no fault of Ethan’s anywhere to be found. It was truly a crisis caused by my mistakes from start to finish.

And Ethan, on the contrary, made up for all of my mistakes and saved my life twice in that short battle.

It was a brief moment, but at least when Ethan blocked one of the kraken’s legs with his sword in front of me, he felt like a hero for a moment.

“No, Lord Ethan. The incident that day was a mistake caused by my carelessness…”

“I’ll ask you one thing, Lillis. Please answer this honestly.”

“…Yes.”

“If I hadn’t tried to confess to you that day, would you still have gone on the boat with me by the lakeside?”

“That’s…”

“….”

“…Probably not. But that…”

“Just stop there, Lillis. That’s a sufficient answer.”

…Huh?

What’s going on? Is that a sufficient answer?

Wasn’t the answer to the confession still pending?

“My confession to you that day, just consider it as something you didn’t hear.”

“…Yes?”

“I was too thoughtless. Considering our positions, the fact that I expressed my feelings to you could have been a burden for you.”

“Oh, no… That, that…”

“I won’t burden you anymore. I’m sorry for making you worry unnecessarily, Lillis.”

“….”

Wait a minute.

What’s happening right now?

So, does Ethan seriously think that I almost died because of his confession?

That he fought a battle with the abyssal kraken and almost died because he wanted to confess?

And now he feels responsible and declares that he won’t confess to me in the future?

‘…What should I do?’

I couldn’t quite wrap my head around how to accept this conversation.

When I heard Ethan’s confession last time, all I could think of was that I’d rather not hear it.

And I had been thinking hard about how to maintain my loyalty to Ethan without hurting him.

Despite the fact that a situation where I didn’t have to answer had come, a strange feeling of suffocation filled one side of my chest.

‘By saying he won’t burden me anymore…’

In other words, it means that there will be no more opportunities for Ethan to confess to me.

There’s no need to worry about how to reject confessions in the future.

It would have been a future that I had hoped for in my heart.

Thinking about a future where there won’t even be a chance for Ethan to confess made me feel endlessly suffocated.

‘…Huh?’

No, no.

I don’t have any romantic feelings towards Ethan.

I’m just grateful for saving my life, and my heart was pounding uncontrollably in that situation.

…For some reason, Ethan looks a little cooler now than before. That’s all.

Perhaps, it really is just a one-time story.

If I continue to spend more time with Ethan in the future, it might not be impossible for me to develop some rational feelings for him.

It’s true that Ethan is so cool that even men would be impressed by him.

I wasn’t necessarily falling for Ethan at the moment, but there was definitely a possibility.

The problem is, even if I miraculously develop romantic feelings for Ethan, would he still feel attracted to me?

For a moment, a feeling of not wanting to let go crossed my mind.

Grabbing Ethan’s arm as he tried to leave the hospital, I said, “I’m sorry for bothering you to come for treatment. I’ll go back, take your time to recover and come back…”

-Thud.

“Wait, Ethan, sir…”

“Lilith?”

“Y-You haven’t heard my answer to what you said at the lake yet…”

Summoning up the courage, I attempted to give Ethan my answer from that day, but Ethan seemed to show that he didn’t necessarily want to hear my answer.

A moment of sinking feeling in my chest as he cautiously shook his head.

“It’s okay, Lilith. You don’t have to force yourself to answer my confession…”

-Creak.

“N-No, I’m not forcing myself. I don’t think it’s a forceful confession either.”

“….”

“If you really don’t want to hear my answer, then I can’t help it, but you don’t want to leave the confession hanging, do you?”

“…I don’t.”

Fortunately, it seemed like my persuasion had an effect, as Ethan nodded with a slightly serious expression.

It was a situation where I was given the opportunity to give a final answer.

I conveyed my answer to Ethan, which I had already sorted out on the boat, with a few changes reflecting my current emotions.

“To be honest…”

“…Yeah.”

“I-I still don’t really understand what love between a man and a woman is…”

“…Huh?”

“I-I can’t distinguish whether the feelings I have for you right now are love that makes my heart race, or just temporary gratitude towards you for saving my life. At this moment, I can’t tell.”

“…I see. If that’s your answer, then there’s nothing we can do…”

“B-But!”

“…?”

“D-During the four years I’ve been attending the academy, I-I’ll do my best to have feelings for you, Ethan!”

“…Lilith?”

“S-So, during the remaining time at the academy, c-can we be temporary lovers?”

“…Temporary lovers?”

“Yes. For the duration of my time at the academy, you can consider me as your lover, Ethan. I, of course, will also consider you as my lover.”

“…So, in the end, you’re saying you’ll accept my confession, Lilith?”

“Y-Yes… Only during my time at the academy.”

This was the limit of the answer I could give to Ethan.

It couldn’t be helped. Once Ethan reaches a certain status, there will naturally be many constraints even in marriage, and it’s unlikely that a maid of commoner origin like me could marry a viscount.

Then, at least while attending the academy where the winds of freedom blow, spending each day like lovers was the way for me to uphold the utmost loyalty I could give to Edan.

And in the rare event that Edan’s feelings do not change even after graduating from the academy….

“After graduating from the academy? Since we are temporary lovers, are we going to break up after that?”

“When the time comes for me to graduate from the academy and if Edan Doyeonim starts to feel love for me, and if Edan Doyeonim’s feelings towards me remain unchanged….”

“…If they don’t change?”

“…Then, Edan Doyeonim is free to do as he pleases with me.”

“As he pleases….”

“Yes, as he pleases.”