episode_0162

” Ah… no… But other beastfolk know that the Elder-nim is like this… ”

” Yes. They don’t know. I’ve been hiding my condition as much as possible so as not to let others know. They probably all think of me as the Elder who doesn’t waver like before and thinks of them… or, an incompetent Elder who is helpless against humans…. Of course, the latter is more likely…. ”

When Arvina blamed herself again, saying it was obvious that the other beastfolk would surely think of her as an incompetent Elder, I finally realized why Arvina’s house was in such a state, why there were so many blade marks on Arvina’s wrists, and why Arvina’s physical condition was so poor. It was because she blamed herself too much, wanted to die, and kept harming herself, which resulted in countless bloodstains appearing in this house. And because she worried about the beastfolk and had a twisted sense of responsibility, she refused to eat anything, becoming terribly thin….

” Hearing rumors that the Black Saintess-nim had visited this place, I doubted if the truly strong Black Saintess-nim had actually come here, so I followed you all. Then, when I saw Aria-nim sweeping through Kartun’s entertainment with superhuman strength, I became certain. It was true that the Black Saintess-nim, whom Tess and Karina always talked about, had visited our village. A great individual had finally visited this village to guide me…. ”

” Is that why you reacted that way to Zeke-nim and me yesterday? If all that chaotic madness was because of that… how did you manage to endure so tenaciously until now? ”

” Ah… that… Ugh…!! ”

” …!! Elder-nim!! ”

When Aria asked how she could have survived until now if the madness she showed the day before was all due to her accumulated guilt, shame, and responsibility, Arvina tried to answer. Then, Arvina suddenly clutched her head with both hands, convulsed, and slammed her head onto the desk. Startled, I cried out to the Elder-nim. Wh-why is she suddenly like this?!

” I… I’m fine…!! It’s a seizure I experience every day… When this happens, if I eat th-this… this herb…. ”

” An herb?….!!! W-wait, that…. ”

” What in the world are you trying to do, Arvina!!! ”

” …!! ”

As Arvina took out a pile of grass with a blue flower blooming from the desk drawer, I recognized its identity and was greatly shocked. At that moment, Aria, who also recognized the plant, urgently smacked Arvina’s hand, causing all the grass to fall to the floor. She immediately grabbed Arvina by the collar, and I was greatly flustered that Aria had acted faster than me. Aria… acted first for someone else…?

” Ah… ahh… My… my pl-?! ”

” You know exactly what you were trying to do, don’t you?! That plant… it’s Paradia Poison Herb, isn’t it?! ”

” Paradia Poison Herb…. This poison herb certainly isn’t lethal, but it contains poison, so whether you eat it as is or processed, it remains a deadly poison… Elder-nim, what on earth… ”

” I had no choice!!! ”

” …..!! ”

We, who recognized the herb Arvina was trying to eat as Paradia Poison Herb, were about to demand why she was trying to consume it. But when Arvina yelled back at us, we were dumbfounded and stared blankly at Arvina who had shouted at us. As Aria let go of her, Arvina bowed her head deeply and, trembling, explained to us.

” If it weren’t for that poison herb, I would have collapsed… Only the poison from that herb, even if temporarily, stabilized me…. That’s why I ate that poison herb before coming to see you earlier too…. Of course, it hurt terribly at first… But… but I just couldn’t let go of that poison herb…!! ”

” You know well, Arvina… that if you eat that poison herb, you’ll show symptoms of addiction…. When I was training to become a Saintess, I saw a book that described that poison herb, so I know it well… even how dangerous it is…!! ”

” But… without that poison herb… I’d be an empty shell, unable to even comfort others, completely bankrupt in spirit… I had no other choice… Ah… ahaha…. I just… had to accept the madness…. accept the pain… just shoulder everything… Hehehe… and live on…. ”

” …. ”

Now… now everything made sense. Why Arvina had clung so desperately to Aria yesterday, and why she hadn’t feared being killed by Aria but accepted it. The current Arvina needed someone to lean on. In other words, Arvina’s mind was twisted to the point where she had to rely on someone. The screams of the beastfolk, their complaints, the atrocities of humans. Everything around her tormented and drove her mad. And to endure even a little… she ended up making a choice she should never have made. For such an Arvina, Aria’s appearance must have been like bright sunshine.

” Heh… Hehehe… I want to stop… I want to stop… I want to escape… Ugh… ”

” …. ”

That’s why Arvina had no choice but to rely on Aria. Moreover, her mind was already twisted and broken, accepting all of Aria’s actions as a gift. The yearning to die and her madness combined, making her completely unafraid of dying by Aria’s hand. But her sanity, which had returned due to the Paradia Poison Herb, only brought her shame, and I realized that it only added to her irritation and exhaustion, lamenting the bleak reality that nothing around her could turn her life around.

” Isn’t it truly… pathetic…? Still afraid of beastfolk being kidnapped by humans… and afraid of the voices around me disappearing, until my mind went mad… no, even after going mad, I’m still holding onto this Elder position… Isn’t that truly pathetic…? Ugh… Hehehe… ”

” E-Elder-nim, now ple… ”

” Yes. It’s truly so pathetic that I want to turn my eyes away. ”

” ….!! ”

As Arvina belittled herself as pathetic again, I bravely tried to tell her to stop. But then, Aria suddenly stood up from her seat next to me, approached Arvina, and frankly told her she was pathetic. I was greatly shocked by this. No, Aria!! What are you suddenly saying?! If you say something like that, the Elder-nim will….

” Ha… haha… As expected, it’s good that the Black Saintess-nim is so honest…. At first, I considered just abandoning Kartun and moving somewhere else… However, there were beastfolk in Kartun who didn’t want to relocate, and beastfolk who wanted to preserve this place’s traditions, so I had no choice but to give up on the move. I even tried talking to the humans… but they pressured me and tried to enslave me instead…. I, who couldn’t do anything…. Hehehe… lived without knowing what to do!! Truly, like a foolish, trashy, pathetic Elder!! ”

” So, did you call us here to find someone to listen to your self-deprecation? ”

” Hehehe… I didn’t have the courage to tell this to the other beastfolk…. I’m a coward, so I ended up telling this story to you, strangers… Don’t I really seem like an idiot?! ”

At Arvina’s continuous self-deprecation, Aria asked if she needed someone to listen to it. Arvina replied that she couldn’t bring herself to tell her story to the other beastfolk, lacking the courage, and began her self-deprecation again. Then, Aria grabbed Arvina by the collar once more, glared at her with a truly displeased expression, and spoke.

” Don’t you think your greed is excessive? No… your greed is excessive, but your courage is lacking, leading you to this state. It’s truly utterly pathetic. ”

” That’s right…!! As you say, I am an utterly pathetic beastfolk…!! Ahh…!! Are you perhaps the Saintess-nim who came to save me? Ahhh…!! Then, can you help me bid farewell to this world by cutting off my head?! ”

‘ ….!! Oh no!! ‘

This is bad….!! Whether it was because of Aria’s frank response, or perhaps because the effects of the Paradia Poison Herb were wearing off, I saw Arvina’s madness beginning to return. I was greatly flustered and rose from my seat. However, seeing Aria staring blankly at Arvina, unlike me, I stammered and sat back down, thinking as I looked at Aria. Does Aria have something in mind…?

” Ahh… it’s disappearing…. disappearing…. the voices around me… ”

” Indeed, it’s hard to endure when the voices around you disappear. I’ve experienced such an incident myself, so I understand completely. ”

” ….? ”

‘ …!! Aria, you….!! ‘

When Aria said that she also knew well how hard it was to endure the disappearance of voices around her because she had experienced it herself, Arvina’s mad expression instantly turned to one of bewilderment. And I, listening to Aria’s words from beside her, immediately realized what Aria was talking about, closed my eyes tightly, and lamented. The incident Aria mentioned… that was….

” I was the Saintess of a small kingdom called Esrad. Countless people lost their lives because I unearthed a secret that shouldn’t have been unearthed there. The voices of the people gradually began to disappear, and everyone else started blaming me. But… you… you shouldn’t be like this, should you? ”

” Huh….? ”

” I caused countless people to lose their lives because of my mistakes… but you’re trying to bear the full burden of all the lives lost to humans, aren’t you?! Even though you didn’t commit any wrongdoing!! ”

” ….? ”

When Aria shouted that unlike herself, Arvina hadn’t done anything wrong, yet she was trying to shoulder all the guilt for the beastfolk who lost their lives to humans, I didn’t deny it from beside her. Because it was true… Arvina was excessively trying to bear all the guilt for the deaths of other beastfolk… However, Arvina, hearing Aria’s outcry, tilted her head and spoke to Aria.

” What do you mean? Didn’t I just say that I unnecessarily provided humans with an excuse to kidnap beastfolk by doing unnecessary things? I unnecessarily built waterways, unnecessarily cut down trees around us, giving away our location to humans, and unnecessarily formed a special squad to drive out monsters, making it easy for humans to come and go in our territory, you know? Besides, I was so scared of them that I didn’t even think of resisting. Whose fault is all this, if not an incompetent Elder’s? Isn’t that right…? Hehehe… ”

‘ Elder-nim…. Please stop now….!! ‘

As Arvina began to blame herself again, claiming that everything she had done was not for Kartun but for humans, I, listening from beside her, inwardly agonized and felt pity for the distraught Arvina. At that very moment, Aria let go of Arvina, immediately slapped Arvina’s cheek with a smack, and then sighed as she spoke.

” (Sighing deeply)… Who was it that built the waterways and provided water and fish to the beastfolk? Who was it that saved the beastfolk who were always tormented by monsters? Lastly, who was it that allowed Kartun to develop diverse cultures? It was all you! The wicked humans who were evil enough to kidnap Zeke-nim should pay for kidnapping the beastfolk, so why are you thinking of paying the price?! ”

” Even so, what am I supposed to do when I had no one to confide in with these feelings?! I had to accept that the Elder is inherently such a difficult position and always show a steady front so that other beastfolk wouldn’t be anxious… So who was I supposed to confide in with these feelings, I ask you!! ”

” …. At that time, I had no one to confide in, so I suffered from self-hatred like you and wished for the world to end… until Zeke-nim found me. But you… unlike me, don’t you have beastfolk who have received your grace…? Beastfolk who believe in you…!! ”

” ….. ”

When Aria asked if, unlike herself who had no one around to confide in, Arvina didn’t already have beastfolk by her side who had received her grace and continued to trust her, Arvina stared blankly at Aria. Then Aria pressed her hands against Arvina’s cheeks, turned her head so she could look straight at her, and spoke to Arvina.

” Think carefully!! Weren’t there beastfolk who always told you thank you, even during gloomy times?! Weren’t there beastfolk who are still helping you even now!? ”

” …. Around me… beastfolk… ”

Arvina, who had been staring blankly at Aria, began to search her memories at Aria’s exclamation, recalling what happened at the time. Then, there was one beastfolk who smiled and said thank you, another who thanked her for comforting them, and yet another who gave her a fish skewer, saying she always worked hard… As Arvina counted the number of beastfolk by folding her fingers, the mad wailing that had been swirling in her mind gradually began to disappear with the voices of gratitude. When the number of beastfolk who expressed their thanks to her continued to grow even after reaching double digits, Arvina began to shed tears, tear by tear.

‘ Thank you, Elder-nim! ‘

‘ Twenty-four… ‘

‘ Thanks to the waterways the Elder-nim dug, we are able to live. (Sighing deeply)…. ‘

‘ Forty-two… ‘

‘ The humans outside are scary, but as long as the special squad is here, I’m not afraid! This is all thanks to the Elder-nim!! ‘

‘ F-fifty… fifty-three…. ‘

As the voices she had merely let pass through her mind, which had been filled only with madness and screams, began to return to her memory, Arvina realized that, just as Aria said, the people around her had trusted and followed her, and she began to cry even more. Then, I gently removed Aria’s hand from Arvina’s cheek, and then entwined my fingers with Aria’s. Aria flinched in surprise, but she suppressed a smile and looked at Arvina, who was sitting blankly in the chair, counting numbers. Then I asked Arvina.

” When I first met Aria, there was no one around who believed in her. But Elder-nim… Elder-nim, how many beastfolk were around you who believed in you…? ”

” …. I don’t know… But… but… while I was having such terrible thoughts… while I was making such foolish choices, were there really this many people who smiled and treated me kindly…? ”

Only then did Arvina realize that there were beastfolk by her side who trusted and followed her, and also beastfolk who could listen to her grievances. She stopped counting numbers, burst into tears, and covered her face with both hands. I then wondered how Arvina could remember all those beastfolk, so I tilted my head. As if reading my thoughts, Aria gave me a smile and emitted a very faint yellow light from her palm. Only then did I realize what had happened and spoke to Aria.

” You truly are amazing, Aria. ”

Aria let out a soft giggle. “I learned all of this from Zeke-nim.”

Realizing that Aria had revived Arvina’s memories with her ability, I let out a chuckle and felt proud of Aria. Then, realizing that I had unconsciously entwined my fingers with Aria’s hand just a moment ago, I was greatly startled inwardly and thought, blushing.

‘ Uh… what is this? I’ve never felt this kind of emotion before… Why is my heart pounding so much…? ‘

I was greatly bewildered, realizing that strangely, recently, whenever I came into contact with Aria, I frequently felt this unfamiliar sensation of my heart beating rapidly. What exactly is this feeling…?