episode_0147

[Episode 147: Self-Love]

“Kkaang..!”

“I, I blocked it…!”

Cold sweat ran down his face from the shock transmitted through the mask.

Phew….

If he had failed, could things have really taken a turn for the worse?

No, that’s not important…! Heesun was almost in danger..!

“Hehe, as expected…”

“M-Master! Even so, wielding a sword against Heesun…!”

“Heesun? What are you talking about?”

“What?”

The master’s puzzled reaction.

“Wait, Heesun was behind me…!”

As he spoke and casually turned around, Heesun, who had definitely been there moments ago, was nowhere to be found.

“Huh…? But Heesun was clearly behind me..! M-Master…! Heesun… Heesun is gone!”

“Tsk tsk… Have you lost your mind completely after being shocked? Saying Heesun is gone, what nonsense is this?”

“That’s right! I didn’t disappear anywhere.”

“Hee-Heesun…?”

At that moment, Heesun appeared behind the master with a mischievous grin, looking like a troublemaker.

With swollen red eyes from crying, makeup smudged by tears, she oddly exuded a decadent beauty, unmistakably our Heesun.

“W-What on earth…”

It felt like being possessed by a ghost.

Was Heesun really not behind me?

As he alternated gazes between Heesun and the master with a bewildered expression, the master, sporting a mischievous smile resembling Heesun’s, spoke.

“Hehehe… Wasn’t that quite a surprise?”

“……?”

“Ahahaha..! Master, you’ve been fooled again~ Hehe! Why would you strike me? I’m a fairy! The daughter of the Jade Emperor! If I get hurt, won’t my mother scold you? Hehe…”

“……”

Oh no…!

‘Is there a hole I can crawl into..?’

Blushing at Heesun’s teasing, embarrassment washed over him in an instant.

It seems I’ve been fooled by the master again.

How can Shinseon act so convincingly?

Or rather, could this all be just acting?

I vividly remember seeing Heesun in front of me, swinging her sword, but…

“Hehe, don’t be too embarrassed about being fooled again. Thanks to that, we succeeded in raising our spirits against the mask in the end.”

“Oh! Right. Our spirits.! By the way, I…!”

Although I had overlooked the fact that Heesun was in danger,

I successfully raised our spirits, didn’t I?

Why did it suddenly work when it never did before?

Pondering deeply, he couldn’t understand why it had succeeded this time.

Could it be that unlike previous attempts where he swung at thin air, this time the master actually struck the sword down onto the mask?

“No, that’s not it. The cause was different. It wasn’t because I actually struck the sword down that you raised our spirits. It was because you raised our spirits that I struck the sword down.”

Curious, he asked the master, who promptly denied his words.

“Uh…. Really? But I only see that difference…. Um… I need to know the exact reason for this to succeed next time as well…”

“Think carefully. There must be a clear difference. For example… the target you were protecting might have changed.”

“Oh..! Heesun..! But… Master? Didn’t you say that realizing self-love is easier than having a heart for others? Heesun said that too. But why am I…”

“Yes, normally that statement holds true. However… you’re a bit different. And failing to realize that is this master’s fault….”

“Ah, why do you blame yourself like that again… It’s not the teacher’s fault. I don’t even understand my own feelings well, how did you figure it out so easily, Teacher? I prefer it when you joke around with me like earlier. Besides, all of this happened because of my stubbornness…”

Yes, it was me who persisted in asking the teacher to wield the One Sword despite the teacher’s dissuasion. But why does the teacher feel guilty?

I felt so sorry for needlessly burdening the teacher with my troubles.

“Haha… Alright, since you put it that way, I won’t blame myself anymore. However, it was very irresponsible of me as a teacher to train you without truly understanding you and treating you like everyone else. At least now that I’ve come to understand you a bit better…”

“Oh… Ah! Then please tell me what you’ve understood! The part you’ve grasped. I still don’t fully understand myself. Why am I different from others? Why is it that when I tried to protect myself, I resisted, but when Heesun tried to protect herself, I immediately followed?”

“Haha… Yes, yes… Of course, I must impart some teachings.”

The teacher nodded approvingly at my words, took a moment to gather their thoughts, then began speaking.

“First of all, you are fundamentally a selfless person.”

“Me? I’m not that selfless…”

“Haha, it seems you don’t know yourself as well as you think. Can’t you read your emotions hidden beneath the surface?”

“Well… Not really? It’s just love and worry for my family in there, isn’t it?”

“….”

Did I make a mistake? Why did the teacher suddenly fall silent like that?

“Ha… Do you not consider those you’ve taken into your heart as individuals..? Well, well, quite a surprise… I thought you were an easy student to teach… Turns out you’re a difficult one to teach in a different sense…”

“….”

Um, Teacher?

Suddenly muttering to yourself… Did you forget that you were supposed to be teaching me?

“Um… Oh! Sorry, got lost in thought for a moment… Right, then it’s best to put it this way: you are someone who cares more about your family’s well-being than your own.”

“Oh! Yes, that seems right.”

“Good, it’s fortunate that you can admit that easily. Anyway… at the same time, deep down, you’ve been harboring resentment towards yourself.”

“Yes… that’s true.”

“But have you ever tried to contain any emotions within the facade?”

“I must protect myself… Ah!”

…It was somewhat shocking.

I knew to some extent but…

To that extent of dislike? To the point of not wanting to protect at all? So much so that Seonki didn’t attract you at all?

“It seems I didn’t realize it was that severe. Still, don’t take it too seriously; ultimately, survival instincts are embedded within the facade. That means you haven’t reached a self-destructive state yet.”

“….”

A self-destructive state.

Upon hearing those words… I finally realized and acknowledged my feelings.

Ah… I’ve been resenting myself to that extent….

In reality, I had been there once.

When my mother passed away… when I tried to challenge the tiger.

Luckily, I met Heesun and changed.

Well… there’s nothing more to hide.

To become stronger, I have to be honest with the teacher.

“Hmm… It’s quite a dangerous situation, isn’t it? Perhaps your emotional state is more precarious than the danger within you. Right now, you’re so close to wanting to destroy yourself because Heesun loves you. But if something were to happen to Heesun…?”

“I don’t even want to think about such a dreadful situation.”

“Yes, that’s why even in the mental anguish, you must have been so desperate. In a way, it could have been your own method of self-preservation. You protect your family so that you can take care of yourself.”

“……”

“Now… do you understand why I pretended to attack Heesun? It wasn’t just your problem that led to such extreme measures; it was mine as well. Not knowing about you, I impulsively put you in a life-threatening situation…. If I had known that you would charge like a hornet to protect your family, even risking death, I would have chosen a different approach.”

“But Master, still, that…”

“Haha, don’t criticize this self-blaming teacher too harshly. I was simply carried away by acquiring an exceptional disciple and didn’t even consider getting to know you. Through this reflection, I, too, engage in spiritual cultivation… That’s what being a mentor is about, enduring pain and hardship while never ceasing to cultivate.”

“……”

“So, always strive to refine and polish your mind. First and foremost, realizing how to love yourself is key. Remember, blessings are meant for those who accept them. However… it’s not easy to utilize those blessings if you don’t love yourself.”

“……”

“Always strive to love and forgive yourself. Whether to enhance your blessings or to become stronger to protect your family…”

“Yes….”

The training is now over.

With the Master’s final words, the legs that had been holding on to prevent collapsing finally give way.

In truth… I had been pushing myself too hard to keep my sanity intact.

“Oh, my lord…!”

As if asking when I last wore a mischievous smile, Heesun rushes over with a worried expression, embracing me in her arms as I collapse while watching the conversation between the priests.

Thud!

Although Heesun’s refreshing and cool blessing entered through my forehead…

Perhaps because the time of mental agony had been prolonged?

I lost consciousness right there in Heesun’s warm embrace.