episode_0122

[Episode 122] – Responsibility

“Queen… Vivian Liliensole, Her Majesty the Queen’s funeral was completed three days ago.”

“Ah… I see. at last…”

I took out a funeral invitation from the guard in front of the royal castle, but was told that Her Majesty the Queen’s funeral had already ended three days ago. In the end, as I bowed my head in guilt for being late, the guard captain suggested with a bitter expression that it would be a good idea to at least visit the shrine.

“…Since you are here, how about visiting Her Majesty the Queen’s grave? “I’m sure Her Majesty the Queen will be pleased with your visit.”

“…Really? Then let’s do it. “Thank you.”

I gladly accepted the offer and bowed my head to thank the guard captain. The guard captain, who knew me, waved his hand, but I was still thankful. So I was able to enter the royal castle through the door opened by the guard captain.

‘As expected, nothing has changed.’

I crossed the snow-covered garden and slowly made my way to Her Majesty the Queen’s grave. Suddenly, as I looked around, I realized that I had lived here for a really long time. Memories of Titania were overflowing everywhere in the castle. Memories of reading storybooks under a tree and playing in a fountain until my dress got soaked.

Every time I took a step, memories of Titania came to mind, and for some reason, I smiled bitterly. Katarina, who was following behind, was busy looking at the castle with her mouth open, as if it was her first time in a place like this. Is this strange because we have been living in hiding in the countryside or forests where there are few people?

“ah.”

As I walked slowly, avoiding people’s gaze, I sighed softly as I remembered something I had forgotten. Artificial flowers to be placed on the tombstone. Even if there were no fresh flowers because it was winter, I should have brought some artificial flowers. As I let out a short sigh, Katarina, who was behind me, called out to me and poked my back.

“B, Vivian. “I made this…”

When I turned my back and looked at Katarina, I saw that she was holding a small white artificial flower in her hand. Seeing Katarina’s actions, which were quicker than expected, he smiled and patted her head. Did you make this using magic?

“…thank you.”

After receiving the artificial flowers made by Katarina, I turned my head and headed back to the Queen Mother’s grave. As we headed toward the cemetery, the snowstorm became more and more severe. I smiled bitterly because the snowstorm was so harsh that I couldn’t see clearly, as if it was getting angry and asking why I had come now.

Step by step, ignoring the snowstorm, I slowly headed towards the place where Her Majesty the Queen was sleeping. As I got closer to the cemetery, my heart began to beat anxiously and sweat leaked from my palms. It was because I was afraid of facing the death of Her Majesty the Queen.

I’ve known since the Queen Mother gave me an invitation to the funeral.

Not long after, Her Majesty the Queen passed away. that he will die soon. My head understood that I should accept it naturally when that time came, but my heart couldn’t.

As expected, I could not calmly accept the death of someone close to me.

The moment Her Majesty the Queen’s tomb was seen through the snowstorm in the distance, large teardrops rolled down her cheeks. To me, the Queen Mother’s relationship was not just that of a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, which was only visible on the outside.

Her Royal Highness was like my ‘teacher’ and my ‘protector’ in the royal castle. A teacher who taught me how to live in the royal castle, and a protector who protected Titania and me from other nobles.

The Queen Mother was the one who helped, cared for, and took care of me as I was unable to adapt to living in the capital. The fact that I was unable to witness Her Majesty’s death and attend her funeral was enough to make me feel extreme regret and guilt.

‘I feel like I’m going to yell right now and ask why I’m here now…’

I somehow held back the tears that flowed down my face and slowly placed the artificial flower in front of the tombstone. Even while paying my respects in front of the cemetery, it was difficult to accept the fact that Her Majesty the Queen had passed away.

You told me you would live a long time. He said he would watch over Titania until she becomes queen. There really wasn’t much left for him, and it was just sad that he passed away before he could last that long.

“…sorry. Now that you’ve come to see me. “Am I too late?”

I smiled and spoke to Her Majesty the Queen’s grave. Even though I knew there was no way I would hear an answer, I couldn’t bear the pain if I didn’t talk to him at least like this.

“…It’s because of the snow. The place where I live was completely covered in snow, so the news that Her Majesty the Queen had passed away came too late. “I am now-”

I approached the tomb and told Her Majesty what had happened over the past year. I talked very briefly about where I live now, what I do, who I live with, and other things.

“…It’s harder than living in the capital, but I’m doing well enough to not starve to death. “Thanks to the money that Her Majesty the Queen gave us, we are not living in such difficult times that you might worry.”

It seemed as if Her Majesty the Queen’s voice could be heard through the sound of the driving snowstorm. ‘Of course I have to live well. “How much have I given you?” said the Queen Mother with a grinning voice.

Knowing the sound my delusions had made, I smiled bitterly, got up from my seat, and sighed. White breath came out of my mouth along with a feeling of extreme guilt. cold. Too cold.

When it was cold and painful like this, I could forget everything if I hugged Titania. Just hugging Titania under the cozy blanket and feeling the child’s warmth melted my painful heart.

Is that why?

At this moment, I felt like I was going crazy because I wanted to see Titania.

I know I am selfish.

I came out hoping that Titania wouldn’t depend on me, but I still depend on her. Even though I know these feelings will not be forgiven. Just once, just once is okay…

“…want see. really.”

Was I this foolish? I continued to feel selfish. How is Titania doing? Her Majesty the Queen has passed away, and isn’t it because I am also suffering because she is not by her side?

If you were really suffering and sad, I wanted to comfort you. I wanted to hold the crying Titania in my arms, pat her on the back, and comfort her. Quite selfishly, this thought was for me.

To soothe this painful and frustrating heart, I needed Titania. I wanted to comfort Titania and be comforted again. Because comforting Titania meant comforting me.

but…

“mother! mom…! mom!!”

My head turned as I heard a voice desperately calling me.

Soon the castle door creaked open, and Titania started running towards me, calling out to me from afar. In this cold winter, he wasn’t even dressed properly and even if he fell on the floor, he ran straight towards me.

no. Absolutely not.

You must not meet Titania now.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet him.

We weren’t supposed to meet.

If I meet Titania like this, I will be bound by her for the rest of my life. No, I want to be bound by Titania. It wasn’t for Titania, it was for ‘me’.

If I were for Titania, I shouldn’t have met her now. Even if she begged to see me, even if she fell on a rock and bled, I couldn’t show my face to Titania.

From the beginning, I wanted Titania to leave me and become independent. I hoped I wouldn’t be a nuisance to that child. Wasn’t that why you left Titania’s side? therefore…

I extended my hand to Katarina next to me and asked.

“…Catarina. “Let’s go back.”

“yes yes…? really…?”

Katarina hesitated as she looked at Titania running from a distance, but I quickly held her hand and begged her to get ready to go back. I had to get out of this castle before Titania came.

“hurry!”

Only after I shouted did Katarina begin to prepare to go back.

Perhaps it was because of the blizzard or magic, but my vision began to shimmer. Through my blurred vision, I saw Titania approaching me with tears in her eyes. Titania, whom I met for the first time since I was 15 years old.

Ebony hair fluttered through the pure white snowstorm. Red eyes and bright red lips, like blood drops falling on the accumulated snow, begged and wished only for me. Please don’t leave my side.

Please stay by my side.

but…

It was a wish that could not be fulfilled.

I had to leave Titania’s side. I shouldn’t have been around that child. I shouldn’t have to rely on Titania any more than this. Because I ruined Titania. I, Titania…

I had to leave because I loved him.

*

When Titania arrived at the tombstone, she looked at her grandmother’s grave amidst a blizzard with empty eyes. Clearly, my mother was one step ahead. Obviously, there was…

“haha…”

In the blink of an eye, my mother’s image had disappeared from nowhere. Titania laughed helplessly at the sight of her mother disappearing like a mirage.

Clearly, my mother was right in front of me just a moment ago. The footprints that still remain and the newly placed artificial flowers in front of the tombstone prove that my mother was here just a moment ago. but…

“Where did you go…? yes…? mom…”

Mother was nowhere to be found.

Even when I turned my head and checked behind the tombstone, my mother was not here. Even though I wanted to believe that I had seen something in vain, the traces of my mother who had been here told me that it was not in vain. If so, that is…

“Again, me…”

You threw it away.

You abandoned me twice.

Not once, but twice.

“liar…”

liar. liar. liar.

I made a promise with my little finger. They say that if you break it, you will eat a thousand needles. You said you would stay with me for the rest of your life. I said I would definitely come pick you up. You always said you wanted to meet me. me…

Titania collapsed in place.

It hurt so, so much, like there was a hole in my chest. No, I couldn’t express it simply by saying it hurt. It was painful. The pain of being abandoned twice was more painful than all the pain I had experienced in my life.

“Ah, ugh…!”

Titania, raking the snow off the ground, raised her head and looked at the sky.

The snowstorm pouring down on my skin was extremely cold. The snow that touched my skin felt like my heart would freeze at any moment, and the harsh wind felt like it was cutting into my skin. I really wanted to die.

“I don’t need a position like a queen! Just, I just need a mother! Why on earth! You can’t do that one thing?! You said you were content with just being around! I told you I’m not begging you to love me! Because I don’t need everything! Just by my mother’s side…!”

Titania looked into space and cried out in anger. He couldn’t understand his mother who abandoned him twice, and he couldn’t understand the ministers who kicked her out. No, I didn’t want to understand.

“How can you be so irresponsible! You are the one who made me like this!! You are the one who raised me and loved me!! Then you are responsible!! Either love me!! Whether you hate it!! Do it in front of me!! Don’t leave my side, do it in front of me!! So please…”

Titania, who was shaking, curled up in the snow and sobbed.

I loved my mother as a parent, and as a woman. The love he would feel for the rest of his life was directed only to one person: his mother. I didn’t know how to love others, and I only loved my mother all my life.

So, I couldn’t give up on that love.

I couldn’t give up my beloved mother.

No matter how much he ran away, he had to be caught and brought back.

Titania got up from her seat and started trudging back to the castle. Behind her, the maids brought blankets and towels to cover Titania’s body, but she didn’t feel warm at all.

As she entered the castle, Titania felt her vision brighten. However, on the contrary, Titania’s eyes lost their shine and became increasingly blurred. The young eyes began to darken.

Even though the maids supported her, Titania thought only about her mother.

…Okay, let’s tie it up next time we meet.

If you don’t tie it up, it will escape again.

It feels like it’s going crazy every time it gets out of my sight, so let’s tie it up and lock it in my room. Let’s tie it up so it can’t run away again, so it can’t escape my eyes. Listening to my mother’s excuses comes next.

I only have you, but you keep avoiding me. Avoid, avoid, avoid. You keep getting out of my sight. I think this is the only way for me to keep you by my side.

If I tie you up and lock you up, will you hate me? Would they hate it? Would you hate it? But, it can’t be helped, right? Mother, all the fault lies with you for abandoning me twice.

So, next time, don’t run away.

Three times.

I never forgive.