episode_0119

That memory was the first light ever shown to me. The responsibility that had bound me. Perhaps it resembled a fragment of a regretted past, an atonement that once again led me to step into shackles. At the same time, it was the first memory that soothed my terrible loneliness.

“From today… I will give you a name.” A hand extended, bloodied. The floor was drenched with hot, melted flesh, but the winter storm raging between us made even that pain forgotten. In the narrowed gap, there was a wine that filled the immense sense of loss. I closed my eyes as if intoxicated by such memories.

“Your name is.” I didn’t believe in God. Yet, if there was a reason to speak of a hope I didn’t believe in. “Neria… Neria Lightni.” It was because I couldn’t pass you by, filled with scars. Perhaps, under the guise of meager goodwill, I wanted to be forgiven myself. For I had originally grown into an adult full of deceit and lies. Clutching the fading sleeves of my childhood, I merely curled the corners of my lips as if I knew nothing. So, what I wanted to say was… “We are family now.” To the star that hurt the most. A thank you for finding my fallen life.

***

“Do not address our vice-commander… by such a name.” Killing intent spread, chilling the surroundings. Shadows that instantly stretched in all directions carried substantial pressure. The ground rumbled, trembling with fear. Mana in the entire area was suppressed. The dazzling decorations adorning the battlefield swayed, and the guards waiting nearby collapsed, losing consciousness. Even with a mere release of power, the landscape of the reclamation ground turned into pandemonium. I stood at the center of the chaos. “Gah, cough…!” “I… I can’t… breathe…” “…………” Breathing became rough and obstructed. It was no different for the elite guards standing nearby. Each of them had a pale, frozen expression. Beyond that, the Unrighteous and Distrusted factions were already kneeling, and only the Unidentified, who held the highest rank, managed to maintain an upright posture. Of course, even he had a nosebleed, drops falling onto the floor. It was a scene that truly revealed the disparity. “My, my… quite a violent reaction.” “Do you wish for something more violent?” “I will politely decline. I wish to live a long life, you see.” “You’re truly terrible at lying.” In the murky situation, only the snake and the monarch remained unperturbed. We simply stared at each other. Not a hint of wavering was visible in either of our gazes. As the overwhelming pressure spread with a jet-black storm, the old man, leaning back leisurely on his throne, spoke. His head was completely unbowed, even in the face of the word ‘death’. It was truly a nauseating display of dignity.

“It’s getting hard to bear; do you have no intention of pulling it back?” “In contrast, your expression is very relaxed.” “Well, at my age… perhaps you should learn a little about respecting elders?” “Sometimes, there are elders who aren’t worthy of respect.” “There’s nothing you can’t say, is there?” “How about you shut your mouth?” However. The old man laughed as if he was enjoying himself. He was malicious. He had never shown any interest in that child from the start; his words were nothing more than a provocation tossed out to bait me. It was a moment that reaffirmed my revulsion for his tongue. The old man replied casually. “Don’t be so sensitive.” “…………” “I was truly just curious. Hasn’t it been four years since the war? I think it’s a reasonable question, given that I kept that child by my side for ten years.” “You are not qualified… to use the word ‘kept’.” Kept. You were not qualified to utter such words. Your ‘keeping’ of that child was merely throwing her amidst blood and tears, like a chess piece. The value inherent in the word ‘keeping’ was not so vile. For an adult, to ‘keep’ something meant: A form or extension of taming. An act of sharing the paint that makes up oneself with another, and bearing the responsibility for the colors that have been stained. Like the golden wheat fields the Little Prince gifted to the fox. I spoke with a heavy voice. “It means, do not cross the line.” “I clearly said I was just curious about her well-being, but you so easily judge the sincerity of others.” “Was it sincere?” “Of course not.” The old man chuckled unpleasantly. He seemed coiled like a venomous snake. “But do you know? Having certainty about others is foolish.” “…………” “Humans don’t have the ability to read minds, after all. Who knows if someone you trusted last night might turn around and point a knife at you the next day? So, have faith, but don’t have certainty.” To whom he was speaking. The old man, his focus even blurred, mumbled with a sly smile. “Sometimes, there are discords that even gods cannot resolve.” A meaningless remark brushed past my ears. For some reason. The old rosary hanging around the old man’s neck seemed to glow for a moment. I coldly retorted the sudden sermon. “Are you trying to give me some pathetic advice?” “It’s genuinely offered advice, you see. I quite like you.” “Those are words I wouldn’t even trust, let alone have certainty in.” “That’s regrettable.”

His sly response. After a brief exchange of distrustful gazes, the precarious atmosphere once again fell silent. The weight of the stillness deepened with tension. As the tense standoff continued. Suddenly. A loud thud! A noise from nearby shattered the silence. A familiar flow of mana. ‘This mana… so it finally happened.’ I had wanted to keep it secret as much as possible. I let out a bitter sigh. Getting annoyed now was like crying over spilled milk. As I waited with a heavy heart for the ensuing commotion, a gatekeeper standing outside the audience chamber suddenly began to frantically knock on the door. A panicked voice could be heard from beyond the door, then it abruptly cut off. “En-enemy attack! Someone has invaded the castle… Cough!” A chilling warning. Not long after, the door guarding the interior burst inward with a tremendous crash. Dust billowed following the fierce explosion. CRASH! The grand door scattered into fragments. Through the mist-like rising dust, dozens of shadows walked in. All of them wore pure white robes. A chilling wind swept through. In the corridor they had passed, the bodies of guards and gatekeepers lay scattered. The unidentified figures entered, leaving behind crimson traces. “Master.” The girl at the very front. She untied the robe that had been pulled down to obscure her face, and her hidden silver hair flowed brilliantly. Her clear eyes gently extended a hand towards me. “I came to escort you.” “…………Neria.” It was none other than the vice-commander. She was also the very person about whom the old man and I had just been arguing. “What brings you here?” “I heard reports that Master had headed to the kingdom. Out of concern, I followed you with a small contingent.” “I see.” “If this was presumptuous, then punishment…” “I am quite alright.” I greeted the girl with a complex smile. Her gaze was so deeply hidden it was almost invisible. Yet, she was simply waiting for her Master’s response. A subtle, yet strangely stiff atmosphere was discernible, though faint. “I was planning to return anyway.” I could not help but take that hand.

***

We returned to headquarters. Since the necessary conversation had already concluded, we were able to leave without hesitation. The monarch didn’t seem to have any intention of detaining us either. Considering he had inquired about her well-being and provoked me, he didn’t say anything special even after meeting Neria. He simply bid me farewell, saying he would see me again later. He remained a human whose true intentions were unknown. ‘I’m tired.’ The return journey was not difficult. Since most of the callable executives had been gathered, Lena, who was part of the main force, was also present. Thanks to her, we could easily return by portal. It had been a long time since I felt such fatigue. Dealing with a snake-like human had made me sensitive in many ways, it seemed. I took a moment to clear my head. ‘Of all times.’ Actually. I hadn’t wanted Neria to find out about this matter. It was a wound she hadn’t yet overcome. I thought informing her would only make her worry unnecessarily. It had been a choice made with her feelings in mind, but the only thing left after the failure was an awkward atmosphere. I held a needless silence. “Master. Are you alright?” Neria asked cautiously, as if checking my mood. I replied with my usual smile. “Of course.” “I will take separate measures regarding the kingdom. Such rudeness as this cannot be tolerated, so we will strengthen our vigilance to prevent recurrence.” “…………Is Neria alright?” “What do you mean?” “I’m talking about the monarch. You finally reunited after four years, didn’t you?” “Ah.” The girl instinctively hesitated in her reply. However, as if she had anticipated the question, she quickly erased her stiffness and added a calm tone. It was a response typical of her. “I’m fine. It’s a distant memory now.” Outwardly, her tone and expression were indifferent. The cold atmosphere didn’t deviate much from her usual self, but having spent a long time by her side, I could sense it. The fact that she was forcibly acting nonchalant. Her silver eyes were trembling. So faintly that even she might not notice. “…………” I gazed at her silently. Neria Lightni. The first connection I made in this world, and the first member who had stayed by my side the longest. In the past, the girl who was called disloyal as the monarch’s elite guard. And. …………In the original story, she was also the individual who pulled the first trigger of the world’s destruction. Needless thoughts intertwined complexly. The conversation didn’t continue. Only silence flowed. Perhaps because of the past memories that were slowly resurfacing, both of them might have needed a moment of recollection. In any case, the tumultuous day seemed to be drawing to a close.

Scratch, scratch. That night. Even as the hours pointed to dawn, Neria and I were still in the commander’s office. We were slowly catching up on recent overdue tasks. “…………” It was unusually hard to focus today. Even as my pen moved, my mind seemed to drift elsewhere. Perhaps it was because of the persistent, bitter thoughts. The monarch. After encountering someone I had left in the past, related memories kept flickering before my eyes. I had thought four years was a considerable amount of time, but recalling them now, the moments resurfaced as vividly as yesterday. Thoughts grew in size, one linking to the next. I eventually pushed the documents I was working on aside. “…………Neria.” The name I suddenly called. The girl, also working nearby, replied. “Did you call, Master?” She, too, seemed to have a lot on her mind. Normally, her documents would be finished by now, but she was still only halfway through. Beyond her clear pupils, a tremor still resided. Indeed. Even if she feigned indifference, it would be difficult to truly be so. There were so many complexly intertwined past events. I set down my pen and spoke. “Would it be alright for a moment?” “No problem. Is there anything you need?” “Nothing special… I just wanted to have a short chat.” “A chat, you say…?” “In today’s case, it would be old stories, wouldn’t it? I’m thinking a lot about what happened in the kingdom… and you’re the only person I can share those memories with.” “I would like that… Master, if you would be with me, whatever it may be.” “Those are kind words.” After a brief hesitation, the silver-haired girl nodded. I responded to her unchanging loyalty with a smile. The words I murmured, flowing like a stream, contained old memories. “Huhu… Where should I begin?” The beginning was winter. The memory of when I first found meaning in this world.