episode_0114

Fifth village. It was a village with iron and technology. Does it even deal with electricity? I wanted to, but it wasn’t electricity, it was just magic and technology using magic.

While everyone else took their own time, I stood there blankly looking at my bag.

I feel a compulsion to do something.

I just thought that if I continued like this, I might end up just walking in vain without even being able to figure out how to get back home.

I feel helpless that no matter what I do, it won’t work anyway.

Because I know that no matter how hard I struggle, if I completely cease to exist in this world, there will be no way for me to return home no matter how hard I struggle.

I tell myself that I have to do something, but if there is nothing I hope for in the end, and there is only the worst rather than the lesser evil, what could be more vain than that?

Is it right to urge Kylon behind his complicated thoughts? I thought about it seriously and sighed.

After thinking for a while about a total of six bottles, including the bottle that previously contained holy water, a knife, and a canteen, I took the bag and went into the bathroom.

Since I always have to use a shared restroom and bathroom at an inn, it was unavoidable, so I moved to my seat and took a seat next to the bathtub.

Knowing that I would get better soon, I had to use a bowl to clean the bathroom as soon as I got better. I looked around and nodded.

Preparation was clear.

There was no need to pay attention to Kylon anymore.

There was still no change in hesitation.

What if the Pope died? What if no one exists in this world anymore? In that case, all we have to do is move forward to catch the devil.

But if catching the demon lord doesn’t open the way for you to return home.

If catching the demon lord was clear, and if clearing it meant going home was just my delusion, what is the difference in the end from all of these actions being done in vain like an idiot?

I was afraid. I didn’t want to do anything because I felt like I had nothing after all this hard work. Maybe it was because I was so weak that I locked myself in my room and couldn’t come out.

Am I just a coward who quits when I’m not sure?

If it goes on like this, and I killed the Demon King by pestering Kailon and there is nothing, will I be able to face the look on his face as I pushed Kailon’s back and drove him to his death?

No, I’m scared.

There is an instantaneous flashback.

That’s why you can’t do it. I don’t understand why a bastard like you was born. You bastard. Foolish guy. Just die. Why were you born? Please get out of my life. I have never regretted it even for a moment! Go away, please! Just fuck off! Can’t I just go somewhere out of sight and commit suicide? Oh, it’s him. Him. Giggling – the idiot who was also abandoned. Are you saying he ended up leaving because he had no money? Oh really? That’s good. I always looked gloomy and I hated it. Oh, he touched my desk!! Oh shit! It’s polluted!

Have you been stuck at home since elementary school?

I don’t know who said it, but it felt like countless voices passed by my ears. I felt like I was losing my mind. Breathing becomes difficult.

As a disgusting feeling rose up, I dropped the dagger I was holding and crouched down on it.

“Black, huh… ”

It was painful.

Fragments of memories that were more painful than anything else caught hold of me and tormented me again and again.

It was a memory I thought I would like to forget, but in the end, the moment I thought nothing had changed about me, I found myself revealing my past.

I felt like I was in tears.

I just wanted to fill the potion bottle, wash, and soak in warm water, but after thinking to myself that it was all meaningless, I felt like I was losing my mind because it seemed like there was no such thing as meaning to me.

No one told me that I could live.

Since I was only asking why I was alive and why I was alive, I was just trying hard to argue why I shouldn’t have died and why I had to live.

But one day, after hearing something, I felt so devastated, shed tears, and locked myself inside the house.

I couldn’t remember those words. I was so frustrated that I dropped the knife and clenched my fists. And he hit my chest hard with his fist.

puck.

sick. But the pain did nothing to help me shake off the frustration. The frustration doesn’t go away. I couldn’t understand what I had heard or why I couldn’t remember such painful memories.

Because you’re such an annoying person, other people also hate you.

This doesn’t mean I’m being denied a reason to live.

The days of struggling with an obsession to prove myself over and over again felt futile.

I just wondered if it was right for me to live a life like this, to be passed over and thrown away, without being loved by anyone else from beginning to end.

But it’s funny. The end reached is a body that cannot even die.

This just sounded like they were telling me to suffer and rot for the rest of my life in an unknown place.

The feeling of helplessness never goes away.

I didn’t think I would be happy if I went back. I had doubts about whether I could go back in the first place, and I wondered if it was right to scold Kailon for the method that was shrouded in doubt.

If there is nothing at the end, how will Kylon look at me?

Aren’t you looking at me like I’m trash?

Please don’t look at me like that.

“… Sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry.”

He grabbed the back of my head with both hands and pulled me, as if protecting my head. I was curled up on the bathroom floor, shivering. No matter where I go, it feels like there is no future where I can smile. Everything I did seemed pointless and only filled me with fear.

No matter where I go, people look at me like I’m trash.

I wanted to run away from it. I wanted to run away like this.

Oh, is that why my room was so nice? Because that was my only refuge and sanctuary. Is that why you put black insulating tape around your room and tried to avoid looking outside?

I was worried about whether I could endure in a world where no one said a single kind word to me.

After all, I have to live as Veronica. Just living while being admired by others…

Nope. Even Veronica didn’t necessarily live a good life.

There was a king who cut me up, slashed me, licked my blood, and chewed my flesh. The king, the king, it was clear that he was trying to kill me again, so what kind of worship is this?

This is nonsense. Living as Veronica in this world was ultimately the same as living a terminally ill life.

Of course you won’t die. However, in that situation, it was clear that he would suffer for the rest of his life and be treated like a corpse, so it was safe to assume that he was dead. I even thought that it would be better to die.

A groan came out.

Tears flowed down my cheeks because I thought this is what frustration is like, and what it is like to not be able to do anything.

If this was truly a feeling of helplessness, there was no comparison to just watching and not being able to do anything while fighting, so I let out a painful voice.

A cry bursting from deep in my lungs overtook me.

“… Ugh, black.”

I had forgotten about it for a long time, so why did it come to mind? I would have felt at peace if I had completely forgotten about it and lived like this. But even after all this, I knew that there were still memories I had forgotten, and although I didn’t know what they were, I knew they existed, so I just felt frustrated.

Even though I knew I would break down if I revealed it, it was my story after all, and I was curious about it.

Still, there was no way to know. I can only hope that time will bring it to me.

“It’s hard… ”

The feeling of exhaustion was no joke.

I wondered if this was what it meant to be mentally concentrated.

I didn’t want to be looked at like that by Kailon. Should I just quit? Since everything was uncertain anyway, should I just quit and stay here?

What will Kylon say? What if he comes all the way here and runs away?

But I’m scared.

From the moment memories that I had forgotten and wanted to forget emerged, a scary feeling kept creeping into me.

I felt like I was afraid of those feelings toward me. I didn’t want to see anyone. How can I get rid of this feeling that won’t go away even if I tear out my hair?

At the end, I picked up the dagger I had dropped earlier with trembling hands.

I felt like a seizure was coming, but I tried to hold it in. I gritted my teeth and swung the dagger.

As I sharpened my wrist and stabbed it again and again, the pain that made my body tremble came to me.

I felt like my eyes were bloodshot, my neck was bleeding, my lips were biting hard enough to bleed, and my heart rate was slowing down.

I felt the blood on the floor, my blood pressure lowering, and my whole body becoming cold.

“… Kylon.”

What should I do?

I’m so scared.