episode_0103

“Give me the answer… . please… .”

Helena suddenly ran over to me, grabbed me, and spoke as if pleading.

I was expecting it.

It must be this kind of trouble.

I felt a little sorry for Helena, but even though I knew it, I waited for some time.

Because this is not a problem I can easily solve.

After all, I don’t believe in God.

As an atheist, it was impossible for me to approach her, a priest and priest, and ask her about her faith first, and then give her an answer.

Still, I couldn’t wait too long, so I tried to slowly get the word out.

Well, I didn’t know it would turn out like this in conjunction with this incident.

This is what a priest who no longer believes in God looks like.

I feel sorry.

“First, calm down.”

Although it’s a pity, I can’t be emotional about it either.

I grabbed Helena’s shoulders and carefully pulled her away.

“Please sit down. Even if I don’t hold on to you so tightly, I won’t go anywhere.”

Her fingers caught on my clothes and fell off with difficulty.

“Yes… . sorry… .”

Helena sat down on the chair.

We faced each other with a desk in between.

Helena’s eyes wavered in confusion.

Yet he looks straight at me.

“You must be confused by Mine.”

Helena nodded and spoke with difficulty.

“Actually, my faith has been shaken since I was at MacDerlin Abbey… . Still, I was somehow able to endure it at that time. But now… .”

She trailed off and lowered her head.

“Hmm… .”

I thought for a moment.

I have to give some kind of answer, but it is a topic that is difficult to talk about easily.

There is no knowledge to discuss the existence of God.

Because I am neither a theologian nor a philosopher.

When it comes to theology, Helena, who was educated as a priest, would be more knowledgeable.

So, all I can give is an opinion based on extremely personal experience.

At the same time, it would completely go against her common sense.

“First of all, let me tell you in advance, I do not believe in God.”

“Yes… ?”

“I know this is not something I would say in front of Helena, the priest, but it is true.”

Even if they are not priests, most people here believe in the God of Seonghwaism.

The degree of belief is different for each person.

Even if you don’t go to church, you believe in the existence of God.

It is not just Seonghwagyo.

Although its power is very small and weak, folk religion is small, but it exists.

The Seonghwa Church suppressed heresy on a large scale, but they did not completely disappear.

It is rare here for me to not believe in the existence of God at all.

“Yes… Is it?”

“Yes. However, there is a reason.”

Disbelief in God is not just for the reasons I am about to tell you.

However, it is also true that this reason carries a lot of weight.

“Helena. ‘Miracle’ can only be used by those who have been chosen as ‘priests’ among superhumans. Right?”

“Yes.”

“And in general, it is known that the deeper your faith, the stronger the miracle.”

“Yes.”

Helena still prays quite often and for a long time.

I heard that he prayed often even when he was at MacDerlin Abbey.

I feel like my weakness is due to my lack of faith.

He probably did it because he believed that things would get better if he filled his faith with more faithful prayers.

Unfortunately.

“Actually, no.”

Not only her thoughts but also the common sense of the world was wrong.

“Yes… ?”

Maybe it’s obvious.

Faith is something that must come from the heart, and there is no way that faith can be filled just by praying.

“According to common sense, Arya’s faith should be more solid and faithful than anyone else’s.”

“Yes. That’s obvious… .”

Helena pursed her lips.

She now vaguely knows what kind of person Aria is.

I found out that I was Philip, who was kicked out by Aria, and I also watched the trial process.

Above all, is there any other reason for me to suddenly bring up Aria’s name at this point?

“No way… .”

“Yes. Arya is not very faithful.”

Like Vivian, Helena envied Arya and became a warrior.

The illusion may have already cracked, but it will be completely shattered.

“Aria… .”

Although she is even called ‘the incarnation of the Virgin Mary’ in the world.

The reality is different.

“It’s not like I don’t believe in God. However, considering that he is a member of the Seonghwa Church, it can be said to be blasphemous.”

She was a lazy troublemaker at Agnes Monastery.

That didn’t change much even after he started traveling with me.

The mandatory copying of the Bible while in a monastery probably formed almost the entirety of one’s religious life.

I haven’t prayed at all since I left the monastery.

“And, there is another person who betrays common sense.”

Helena looked at me with blank eyes.

He seemed worried that the name of a religious figure might come up again.

Fortunately, that’s not the case.

“An acquaintance of mine whose details it is difficult to reveal… It is. He is a wizard and can use miracles.”

“Yes… ?”

“Of course, it wasn’t possible from the beginning. As a sorceress, she studied miracles and succeeded in making them appear.”

“… … .”

“So, what I want to say is… . There may or may not be a being called God. I know it’s not easy for you to accept that, but…”

For her, a priest, to accept that possibility is virtually the same as giving up her faith.

Still, I had to say it.

The only thing I could say was that terrible reality.

Helena folded her hands neatly on the desk and was silent for a long time.

Without even moving.

The answer she wants from me is probably not just the material reasons mentioned above.

I waited a moment and added a few words.

“Even if there is no God, I would not want to deny religion. When Helena was at the monastery, she often went out for volunteer work.”

“Yes… .”

“The empire is experiencing a golden age unprecedented in history, but not everyone enjoys its privileges. Somewhere, a child will be starving without even a single piece of bread to eat today, and some refugees will be shivering from the cold because they have no place to lie down comfortably. Isn’t it the job of Seonghwagyo to take care of those who cower in the shadows?”

Although Bertolt showed the negative side of Seonghwaism, that is Bertolt’s personal problem.

I know a religious person like Bertholdt’s teacher who is a parishioner like him but is also extremely good and faithful.

Esther, Bishop of South Central Diocese.

Although he has a strong influence comparable to that of a cardinal, who is just below the Holy Emperor, he is a person who never corrupts or wavers.

Paradoxically, he was able to have so much influence because he was so transparent.

“Even if there is no God and there is no absolute standard of good and evil in the world, Helena’s good deeds and service do not have any meaning. It was also thanks to Helena that Galatea was able to give birth safely.”

If you think about it, it was a time before we knew about Mine’s past.

How did Helena feel when she helped Galatea give birth?

“In the Bible, it is said that fire created the day and night of the world. All beings in the world also have day and night. From one angle you will see the day side of the object, and from another angle you will see the night side of the object. Or, there may be a perspective where you can see day and night at the same time.”

The absolute standard of good and evil.

It is past time for me to worry about such things.

I also saw powerless justice collapse in an unsightly manner.

I have also seen justice established through force become corrupted by intoxication with that power.

I have also seen ruthless and cruel acts of evil become ultimately good.

at last.

“There is nothing absolute in the world. At least, I think so.”

That’s the conclusion I came to after experiencing the world.

“… … .”

Helena listened to me calmly.

The same posture with both hands folded.

After quite a long silence, her lips softened.

“Ian… . What do you believe?”

It’s probably not about religion.

Everyone needs a place to blindly trust or lean on when they are having a hard time or suffering.

To religious people, that is just God.

“No one believes it.”

I don’t have that object.

This is a different matter from believing in the warriors, including Helena, who follow me.

Although I believe in them and rely on them for my long-cherished wish, I cannot compare them to gods or religion.

That’s dependency.

Faith resembles dependence rather than trust.

“But.”

Still, I can’t end my story here in this situation.

If you think about it, it’s not like it doesn’t exist at all.

“If I had to choose, I believe in myself.”

“Yourself… .”

“Well, I’m not that trustworthy either. Because we know that humans are masters of self-justification. Still, wouldn’t it be easier to know for yourself than for others?”

Helena fell silent again after hearing my answer.

His hand on the desk twitched occasionally, perhaps because he was thinking about it.

The eyes, which had been moving around anxiously, gradually became calm.

A feeling of loneliness remained, but he didn’t seem as confused as before.

“Me too… .”

She slowly opened her mouth and lifted the desk with one hand and easily moved it to the side.

… I did get stronger.

“I will too.”

Does this mean that Helena will also believe in herself?

I’m doing it because it’s convenient for me, but I also wonder if it’s okay for her as a priest.

I’ve come this far, so I wonder what it has to do with it.

But why did you clear the desk?

“So.”

Helena pulled out a chair and came closer to me.

Your knees can reach it.

My right hand was grabbed by both of her hands and dragged away.

“Please lend me a hand… .”

I didn’t know what he was going to do, but I nodded.

“Thank you… .”

Helena lifted my hand with both hands and placed it on her forehead.

I could feel the weight of my small head leaning on it.

“… … .”

He was in a praying posture with his elbows resting on his thighs and his hands clasped.

My hand was held between their clasped hands, and her forehead was touching my hand.

Helena stayed still for quite a while.

I have never seen her pray in person.

Mercy and Vivian, who I was staying with, only told me.

‘Did you say that even people who see it naturally become pious and feel religious for no reason?’

I think I know why that expression was used.

Helena held her breath and did not move in that praying posture.

All I could do was my body slowly move up and down due to breathing.

I even had the illusion that it was emitting a soft light.

I don’t know why she was doing that to my hand, but I just waited and observed her until she finished praying.

‘You’ve gained quite a bit of weight.’

It’s new and it’s been a long time since I saw Helena like this.

When I first brought him in, I didn’t recognize him because of his round face.

That he’s skinny.

Now I can tell just by the feel of his hand holding mine.

Although he had calluses from holding and swinging the mace, his fleshy palms were soft and supple.

The sleeves were slightly rolled up to raise the hands, shyly showing the wrists.

In the past, I was just a bony person, but not anymore.

The attitude towards clothes has changed from before.

‘When I first brought him here, he was a bit annoying.’

Finally she opened her eyes.

The orange eyes were moister than before, but it didn’t seem to be due to sadness.

I felt a lingering feeling of deep emotion.

It’s a different atmosphere than usual, so I look closely.

It’s a contrast to the usual Helena, who is somewhat clumsy and a bit stiff but confident.

I look down at my hand with deeply open eyes.

Every time I blinked, my long eyelashes moved.

A faint but satisfied smile appears on her round face, which has not yet lost any of her breast fat.

“… Thank you.”

She muttered like that.

-side.

Suddenly, he kissed the back of my hand.

“Yes… ?”

“… Huh?”

The eyes, which had been filled with calm satisfaction, gradually opened wide, and soon became colored with astonishment.