episode_0102

Day 3 of the hunting festival.

Raoul Bergé.

The name of the child I gave birth to but could not say I raised. Every time I recalled that name right after talking to the empress, my heart ached.

The Empress said, “Please look at Raoul as he is.”

…was a stoic child. A child who never threw a tantrum. A child who never lost his temper. Until the day I broke his heart.

It was clear that the child’s personality was a product of my making. The way he accepted pain as it was, his unsociable way of speaking, and his unchanging expression were all things I had created.

“… Do you think it would be right to apologize?”

“Over there, Countess.”

The empress, who was about to draw her sword, returned it to its scabbard and looked at me with a somewhat bewildered expression.

“Just now, all of a sudden, you knocked out my guards… and came in with your sword in your hand, like an assassin, and woke up someone who was sleeping exhausted…”

The empress bit her lower lip and spoke, desperately holding back her anger.

“You cut off everything… ‘Do you think it’s right to apologize?’? ”

“Yes, but.”

“Fuck, it was hereditary… Ah, I really need to control my swearing now. The people around me are making me swear like a flood… I’m swearing at the same time… Ah… This bloodline really has no answer…”

The Empress began to speak in completely incomprehensible language.

I just came to give advice and killed the soldiers who got in my way.

It was the Empress who said that she could come for consultation at any time, and to stop her from doing so would be a form of treason.

“Haa… That’s all for now. Well, I applaud you for making up your mind to apologize.”

“….. Do you think it would be better to do it right now?”

It was also clear that I had to apologize to that child.

Blaming that child for my wounds. Trampling on that child’s sincerity. Insulting the life that child has lived.

There may be more, but I couldn’t think of anything more than the one whose birth was like wood and stone.

If she had been a person who was objective enough to think beyond that in the first place, she wouldn’t have been such a bad mother.

“Well, even if it’s just a formal apology, it’s better to do it as quickly as possible. And Raul’s condition… No, it’s just better to do it quickly.”

As for Raul’s condition… he was a bit emotionally agitated, which was unusual for a child like him.

So much so that I felt a sense of impatience, as if I was being chased by something.

” But you know how to apologize, right…?”

It’s an apple…

I’ve never received or given anything proper, except for the apology my husband gave me.

So it would be strange to know something like how to apologize.

… Now that I think about it, my husband said something about apples.

When Raoul was four years old, a shabby man suddenly made a fuss and demanded to see her husband.

Since such a thug wasn’t that rare, I was going to cut him down like I always did… but my husband laughed and let him into the house.

She knelt naked before her husband and began to apologize over and over again.

“Bae, Count, I’m really sorry… I, I, I really don’t know what to say about that time…”

“Okay. Since you came here to apologize, it would be my duty to forgive you as well.”

The husband politely sent the man away, even giving him money.

“Who is that guy?”

“He is the butler who helped me when I was young. We played together, caught fish together, and got along well in many ways. ”

“Then what on earth was he apologizing for?”

“Because he ran away leaving me behind. There was a fire at the villa we went to for winter hunting, and he ran away leaving me lying under the rubble.”

It was a story that defied common sense.

If the butler ran away leaving his master, it would be an act of betrayal beyond compare.

“… I guess that says it all, because the pneumothorax I had back then is still bothering me.”

“Why didn’t you kill me?”

“Didn’t you come to apologize?”

“… It’s hypocrisy. If not, it’s greed to show off to the owner one last time and get something in return. ”

“I don’t understand your cynical gaze, but…”

The husband put a honey candy in young Raoul’s mouth and answered with a smile.

“… I’m satisfied with that, ma’am.”

“But…”

“Madam, do you know what the bravest thing in the world is?”

“… I don’t know.”

“Admit your mistake and apologize, ma’am.”

My husband continued his explanation while stroking both my head and Raul’s head at the same time.

“Those who have done wrong somehow or another will grab the sword of excuses and swing it. For the same reason as an actual battlefield. The only reason is that they don’t want to get hurt. ”

“…… Maybe so.”

“And it is the act of throwing away the sword properly. The act of throwing away the weapon in a battlefield where you don’t know what will fly at you, and standing naked and ready to take on anything. The posture of prostrating yourself and accepting any criticism. That is an apology, ma’am.”

About 90 percent of what my husband said was completely incomprehensible.

And then my husband, after carefully stroking Raoul, looked at me intently and said:

“…Madam. If the day comes when you apologize to someone you wronged, remember that not everyone is as soft as I am, so don’t expect anything.”

…….. Even now, when I think about it, those words are incomprehensible.

Still, I partially understood the superficial meaning.

“Hey, Countess…? You know how to apologize, right…?”

“You look down on me too much. Even though I look like this, I still remember everything my husband said.”

“If that’s what the teacher from that area said, I feel a little relieved. There’s no need to curse anymore…”

“An apology is an act of standing naked and prostrating yourself in front of that person.”

“Oh my god, what the hell. There were two seriously ill patients.”

I was just reciting a summary of what my husband said.

Still, the Empress looked at me, cursed, and then gave me detailed instructions on how to apologize.

All of these were things I was hearing for the first time… but I decided to believe them anyway.

I didn’t really want to release the lump in my chest. If this lump was the result of my actions, then it would be natural to accept it.

I apologize only because that’s what I should do. Yeah… That’s all I could do. I was born an ugly woman.

“… Thanks for the advice.”

I bowed to the Empress as I left the barracks.

“And congratulations on your pregnancy.”

“… Why are the hats so quick-witted in pairs…?”

After waiting outside for a long time, I was finally able to see Raoul, who had returned from hunting.

Raoul… was very emaciated. Considering his time as a chieftain, he could have been considered sick. How could I not have noticed?

No, I guess I wasn’t interested. I’m the type of person who turns a blind eye to pain.

Because, unlike her husband, she lives a life of escape until the very end.

“Raoul Bergé.”

Is the voice coming out properly?

It must have been because the voice was so cold and quiet that you couldn’t hear it.

Even such trivial worries weighed on my heart.

“I have something to say.”

Where should I put my hands?

Where should we look?

I don’t know what action I should take.

“… I don’t make any excuses. I don’t make any excuses. About how I was a bad mother.”

Regardless of who Raoul’s biological father was, and regardless of the shame of my life, it was clear to me that I had been a bad mother to Raoul.

When I looked at Raoul as he really was, as the Empress had requested, I saw only a child who had grown up receiving nothing but hatred from his mother, let alone love.

There was no sign of the lord, the monster, the hero, or his usual icy self. All I could see was the figure of him waiting blankly in front of my door, holding a ball, and looking through the keyhole.

“… I will also admit that the countless words that hurt you, the actions that were so cruel that they could have seemed ruthless, and all the dirty feelings I had while looking at you were all wrong. ”

How can I salvage them all, like fish in the vast ocean of memories?

Just recognize that it exists innumerable times.

I didn’t have the talent or courage to salvage them honestly and candidly.

“… It must have been all my fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I must have created all the bad parts of you now. ”

Raoul just stared at me without saying anything.

Just like I did to that kid in the past.

Even though I told him my honest feelings, he didn’t even flinch.

“You can blame me if you want. If you still can’t get over it, you can punish me until you do.”

“……”

“Don’t expect that you can get your relationship back on track with these words. That’s not what I want from you. I just want you to…”

“I was wondering what you were talking about.”

Raul didn’t even show me a cold gaze. His eyes, which didn’t feel any temperature, only twitched slightly. He stopped showing me even the coldness.

“… Is that an apple?”

“I…”

“It was a waste of time. I’ll take my leave now. I don’t have the leisure to listen to an apology that forgets the essence.”

Raoul left like that.

“… Raul?”

He just left like that.

I don’t know.

Why on earth did he leave?

I just did as I was told, admitted my mistakes, and accepted everything. I promised to take any blame or violence.

What on earth is the essence that I have forgotten?

I don’t know.

I have no idea.

“Arthur…”

I missed my husband.

If that were the case, he would have definitely taught me the correct answer.

“…. I don’t know. Really.”

I was trapped in a state of confusion and unable to do anything.