episode_0095

A myriad of emotions swirled within Ratri.

The emotions in the middle of that whirlpool began to appear hazy.

The Raoul she saw was sad. It was such an alien sight that she couldn’t say anything.

Even when my pet dog died, when the book I was reading got torn up by someone as a prank, and when I was teased at a party by kids who said that I had a girly face and a crippled younger sibling.

Raoul didn’t care at all. He buried the dog calmly, approached him quietly to get money for new books, and calmly beat up children who taunted him and his sister, breaking their legs or twisting their ankles in the opposite direction.

That child was sad.

“… He was a child who could be sad.”

“We all knew. You just didn’t.”

“He just couldn’t shed tears. He was a child who could express sadness like that.”

“It’s your fault that I couldn’t let it go. Of course, it’s mostly my fault.”

“Who the hell are you… Well, I guess I have a rough idea. There are all sorts of things that happen in the world, but this is sad. I mean it sincerely.”

“This is why I hate you. It’s only for this kind of thing that you have a good sense of uselessness. And it’s not really empty words.”

The crow glared at Ratri with eyes that seemed to show that he was really fed up.

“…… That fool was really an idiot. He was more than an idiot.”

“That’s a word I can’t understand.”

“This is the last illusion I’ll show you. To be honest, it’s really hard to show you this.”

Latri decided to surrender to the black wind without any resistance, because it was clear to her that she had neither the ability nor the qualifications to go against it.

As soon as the black gust of wind cleared, Leila was seen looking at Raoul.

Leila asked a question while looking at Raul, who was quietly reading a book.

“You read that book often. Is it that interesting?”

“Not really. Compared to other books, the sentences are sloppy, the content is a mess, and the author ran away without writing the last volume.”

“Then that’s just shit!”

“… Still, it’s a novel with a lot of meaning to me. It was the first birthday present my mother gave me. ”

It was something I bought hastily, unable to overcome my husband’s nagging to buy the child at least one gift.

“The main character’s speech is so frustrating, and he fights without a weapon, and the story has no end in sight… but I like it because it’s a story my mother bought for me.”

“……Your mother really had a big influence on you.”

“That’s a happy thing.”

“Do you like your mother that much? To be honest…”

“Yeah, she wasn’t a very good mother. But still… I respect her.”

Raoul had seen his mother deal with assassins who had entered their home just once.

The sight of him, with his small body, slashing away at the assassins who tried to kill him, was breathtakingly beautiful.

“If I could have three wishes…”

Raoul smiled very faintly and said his wish.

“The first thing is that my father’s illness gets better.”

“The second is that Liesel becomes happy.”

“…… It will be the last time I will be held in my mother’s arms. It may sound selfish, but.”

After hearing those words, Leila quietly hugged Raul.

Raoul, who buried his face in Leila’s chest, didn’t show any expression, but Leila felt sorry for Raoul and muttered in a faint voice.

“How nice it would be if I could make that wish come true.”

“……”

“When this war ends…then…”

Leila swallowed her last words and stroked Raoul’s head.

There was no way such information could have entered Raoul’s mind, which was lost in thought.

“…….”

“Have you changed your mind?”

“No, it hasn’t changed.”

“I’m disappointed. I thought things would change a little.”

“It just became a little clearer and the thought became a little deeper.”

“They say that changed too? Is that speech really hereditary?”

Latri silently swung his sword and broke the wall of illusion.

“It seems that this wall also weakens when the business is over.”

Ratri looked up at the sky quietly and muttered something incomprehensible.

“They say that if you love someone, you start to resemble them. Now that I think about it, that was such a foolish thing to say. I ended up resembling the man I hate.”

After that, Ratri turned his head towards the crow and said.

“It was a good lesson and an interesting play. I don’t know what the admission fee is, but I guess I should at least keep quiet about your true identity.”

“……Fucking bastard.”

“No, maybe there’s no meaning to silence.”

Ratri looked back with a somewhat sad expression on his face.

“I wouldn’t even be qualified to talk to that kid.”

“….. Are you not going to apologize?”

“Even an apology would require qualifications. If the man who defiled me came to apologize, I would swing my sword too. I’m not much different from that man, but I’d only upset that child’s heart.”

Ratri chose not to look for Raoul.

“Are you running away?”

“… Yeah. I guess I’ll have to take that too. Rather than doing something I’m not qualified to do, it’d be better to just add one small sin to my sins. ”

Ratri clenched his fists in confusion.

Red blood dripped from between his trembling fists.

“……… From now on, what I say is just a monologue. You can listen to it, and you can dismiss it as the nonsense of a crazy woman.”

A clear liquid ran down Ratri’s cheek.

“Yeah. I hated it. I wished it didn’t exist. I hated it that much. It doesn’t matter if you criticize me for being a bad mother. That child wasn’t the one I wanted to have.”

“When I held the child right after giving birth, I felt maternal love without realizing it. And then I immediately began to hate myself and the child. That child… Raoul… is proof of the humiliation I suffered… the humiliation I hate to even mention…”

“The one who saved me that day is my current husband. I loved him then and I love him now. That’s why… That’s why… I can’t help it… That child is the trace of the man who tarnished that love… ”

The tears flowed and flowed, and it ended up looking quite ugly.

“I tried to love him because my husband asked me to. Because it was a request from my beloved husband. But… I keep thinking about him… The man who defiled me…! The humiliation I experienced…! The painful and shameful nightmares of that day…!!!”

Ratri collapsed to the ground.

“When I see that child’s face, I can’t stop thinking about them! I know best that it’s not that child’s fault! What could that child have done wrong about that incident! But… I didn’t do anything wrong either…”

“I… I’m… a human being. I just wanted to be happy. All the excuses were just excuses. It was just a pain to turn away from the pain. Otherwise, I thought I’d go crazy.”

“I didn’t want to do something like a knight. I hate killing people. What I really wanted was…”

Ratri has been fascinated by romance novels since she was a child.

Most of those novels were written by Arthur Bergé when he was young to earn pocket money.

Still, Ratri loved those stories.

“Just like in that novel, I just loved normally, had a child normally, and lived normally… Why do I have to experience these feelings…”

The crow just looked at Ratri without saying a word.

Even if I were to criticize him now, he wouldn’t listen.

Even if I were to offer words of comfort now, they would not have any effect.

” If the child was a child of my husband, I would have loved it … I would be the son of me and my husband in the world … but the child is … ◦ ◦ ◦

“What’s the use of all this now…”

“I want to start my life over again…”

But the crow gave a completely unexpected answer.

“Is there a guarantee that you will be happy if you start your life from scratch? Is there a guarantee that you will meet your current husband? Is there a guarantee that the children you will have after that will be Raoul and Liesel?”

“……”

“You’re the one who should stop talking nonsense. Time can’t be turned back. There’s no way there could be such a convenient story.”

“… I guess I can’t go back. The humiliation I suffered, the fact that I bullied that kid, everything I’ve experienced. ”

Ratri just walked with heavy steps, feeling endlessly regretful.

A wave of regret rose up to my calves and my steps became very heavy, but I had no choice but to walk.

“It may sound like an excuse… No, it is. Could you tell that child anytime? That I hugged you just once.”

Ratri quietly wiped away her tears.

“The day I gave birth to you, I held you in my arms for the first time. And at that moment, I loved you without knowing it. And… This worthless woman killed the mother who loved you. Because of this worthless woman, you grew up without receiving love from your mother.”

And Ratri smiled faintly with tearful eyes.

“So you have the right to kill me, the enemy of your mother. So come kill me. I won’t resist… Please punish this worthless and unfortunate woman.”

That faint smile was creepily similar to Raoul’s.

The crow, who knew that faint smile better than anyone else, couldn’t help but burst out in laughter.

The crow, who saw Ratri staggering away, also had no choice but to look up at the sky.

It would be a lie if I said I didn’t resent the god who played such a prank.

“I really wonder if anyone would say it’s not a hat…”