episode_0089

“It was a long time ago. That was a long time ago too.”

I’m sure I heard the answer, but I don’t think I heard it.

Obviously, if it was a long time ago, it would have been a while since you first got to know me.

‘What did you see back then?’

The only thing worse than trash was my age at that time.

It was not easy for me to understand that he came to like me after seeing me like that.

Also, when she spoke of a long time ago, it felt like she was referring to an even longer time ago.

But doesn’t that make sense?

The idea that he liked me before he even knew me is an assumption that cannot be established in the first place.

However, the thoughts conveyed along with her words were too strong to deny this.

To the point where I was completely embarrassed.

It’s like I’m so dumb that I can’t say anything.

Lewen opened her mouth again.

“I don’t like Kariel?”

“… That can’t be possible, right?”

Even if you want to find a reason to dislike it, you can’t.

Because she gave me so much.

Even though I am not who I am now, it took away my past self.

I embraced him even though he was ugly and gave me jealous looks every day.

That’s how we got here.

How can I hate it?

Even if you wanted to hate her, you couldn’t hate her.

It’s not just me, everyone in this world will think of her grace that way.

I will continue to live like that in the future.

“I’m not asking that.”

As if reading my thoughts, Llewen opens her mouth with a strong denial.

“Cariel. Do you think I simply meant it that way?”

I kept my mouth shut as she continued speaking again.

Because I already understood what she meant.

However, what I did not answer properly was…

“I’m afraid.”

… Because, as she said, she was afraid.

If you ask me, “Why are you afraid?” I would rather ask you back.

How can you not be afraid?

Now, so much has changed that it is impossible to compare it to when I was possessed. However, it is difficult to say that it has only changed for the better.

‘It’s definitely changed for the better.’

I overcame the trauma and overcame the pain.

That doesn’t mean everything gets better.

Now it was difficult to keep someone in mind.

The fear of loving someone again and losing it strongly arose after completely leaving Arina and Master.

Therefore, even though I heard her feelings and knew what answer she wanted from me, I avoided it.

Even when you think about it, it is truly pathetic and disgusting.

How is this different from me in the past?

No, there are definitely differences, but the way I deliberately avoid and run away when I’m afraid is no different from my past self.

“Huh… ”

I purse my lips and a smile escapes.

I felt frustrated at how foolish I was.

It was difficult to even say that things had changed for the better.

It was a moment when I was barely able to suppress the self-loathing that kept rising.

“… ”

The warmth I felt in his arms soaked me.

I looked down and before I knew it, she was in my arms.

Soon she escaped from my arms and made eye contact with me.

“It’s okay.”

She said.

“Cariel doesn’t have to worry about me. This is just the feeling I keep. I was just saying this as if I was complaining because of my selfishness.”

She cleared her throat and spoke again.

“I just want Kariel to be comfortable. Please don’t suffer because of me for no reason. So please forget what I just said.”

After those words, she said no more.

Her warmth comforted me as if she really was okay.

But I couldn’t do that.

On the contrary, I couldn’t do that because I knew her sincerity.

Do you want me to forget what I just said?

That sounds funny.

Moreover, we must not forget.

If we just forget what she said, we can definitely be as comfortable as before.

So it was just a repeat of the same thing that happened with Arina.

‘But what should I say?’

Actually, I think we should go differently than we did back then.

If I accept the confession, can it really be my true feelings?

No matter how much I gave up most of my regrets, my feelings for Arina still haven’t gone away.

Accepting her heart in that state was an act of deceiving her.

But what if you refuse?

I couldn’t shake the thought that something like that might happen again.

In the end, it’s a situation where you can’t do this or that.

I couldn’t help but laugh at myself, seeing that nothing had changed except for the superficial appearance.

‘Pathetic.’

The days I promised myself are meaningless.

If it was going to be like this, what was the meaning of the days I made a resolution and overcame it?

Looking at it now, it wouldn’t be surprising if it got worse instead of better.

‘So not this time.’

I had to make it clear.

my decision.

my choice.

And after much thought, I decided on an answer to give her.

“I… ”

***

Lewen lived as a saint for a long time.

There was so much to experience and so much to feel.

Having experienced the world from an early age, the world she experienced can be defined in just one word.

human.

This is a place where humans live.

You may ask what that means, but in her opinion, there is nothing that can define this world as much as the fact that humans live there.

What is a human?

If you dig into it, a lot will come out.

There is no set answer, but she thinks the closest thing to an answer to the question of what it means to be human is evil itself.

Even if there are no demons or demons.

Humans lead destruction to each other, even though they are members of the same race.

Right now, demons and demons appear, and humans are anxious to mistreat each other.

They are envious and jealous of outstanding people and want to bring them down like themselves.

The shackles of this world where the wicked live in vain and the good have to suffer damage.

Is this really the right thing to do?

She couldn’t come up with an answer to that any more easily.

Although it must be said that the answer is a resounding no.

To answer like that is because this world is not running right.

Where evil lurks, we cannot criticize evil deeds.

Because it’s that kind of world.

Discipline returns to evil and the world is formed through evil.

However, cursing it was no different from denying the world.

Realizing that fact early on, she made a decision.

It was a decision that was nothing special.

Let’s make this world beautiful.

Instead of a world driven by evil, let’s make it a place where good people live happily.

She had made a promise.

However, even though I made a resolution, not much changed.

Because there was a person who blocked her path.

Old memories that no one remembers anymore.

Recalling the memories of that time, Lewen looked at Kariel in front of her.

It’s the same face she remembers.

The face, appearance, and actions are all the same.

That’s why I love him so much.

He was looking at himself with very confused eyes.

Llewen understands his feelings.

Anyone would be embarrassed if they suddenly expressed their feelings.

Even if it was me, I felt embarrassed.

But even though Lewen regretted it, she did not regret it.

Because he conveyed his feelings that he had kept for so long.

However, if there was anything I was worried about, I didn’t want him to pay attention to my confession for no reason.

However, she knew better than anyone else that it was difficult.

‘That’s selfish.’

It is truly selfish to act like that even though you know what the person you love will feel when he or she shares his or her feelings.

I really hated myself.

The image of myself conveying my feelings to be comfortable.

The way he pushed ahead even though he knew the other person would have a hard time.

Even though she knew it wouldn’t happen, she had a vain hope that maybe he would accept her heart.

She hated all of that.

That’s why she decided to let this be the end.

I no longer have any regrets, feelings, or thoughts.

I just wanted to remain as someone who helps him.

I definitely thought so.

‘Why are you looking at me like that… ‘

The gaze in his eyes.

It kept making her weaker.

‘If you look at me like that, you’ll be mistaken.’

Do you like me too?

I have the illusion that he has me in his heart.

Even though it is simply an illusion, I harbor the feeling that it might be so.

Even though I know that it will become even more miserable, I see myself harboring illusions. It looked so foolish.

Now I have to give up completely.

The moment I made up my mind, Kariel spoke.

“I… ”

Kariel’s next words.

Llewen inadvertently burst out laughing.

Because it’s such a down-to-earth answer.

She couldn’t help but love him once again.