episode_0088

Episode.88 Means of Love

[Baek Harin SIDE]

My senses come back.

Again, I woke up from a sweet dream.

Today in my dream, I met him for the first time in a long time and hugged him.

It was a really, really happy time.

I didn’t want to come back to this miserable reality.

I’ve been stuck here for quite some time, so it’s been hard for me to stay sane.

‘How much longer do I have to endure…’

I hated this feeling, as if my ego was about to collapse.

It felt like I was doing something that didn’t feel good and only felt pain.

– Sigh…

At the moment when I felt like I was going to lose my mind, the door opened very cautiously, unlike usual.

“Hello… I came to bring you breakfast… No matter how many times I knocked, there was no answer, so I just opened the door and saw that you were already up… Hey, can I come in? ”

Harsh tone of voice.

A different voice than usual.

But I didn’t sense any malice.

The voice of a fairly young girl.

“… Why didn’t Mero come today?”

“Ah… Uh, my sister… quit her job and went back to her hometown… So I took her place… The head maid said there would be no difficulties even though she was a newbie… ah! My name is Lina… I don’t have a last name…”

The trembling voice of the child who introduced herself as ‘Lina’ continued to irritate me.

“… Is Mero quitting his job?”

“Yes… I thought I went on vacation at first too… but that wasn’t the case…”

Wasn’t she my maid?

Why did you quit?

Just like Siwoo who didn’t come to save me…

Mero, do you hate me too?

For a short but long period of time, I felt close to him and thought of him as a friend.

… There’s nothing left for me.

In the end, it might be too extravagant for someone like me to create a relationship.

“There are a lot of things I want to ask, but… it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Yes? It doesn’t matter-”

I raised my hand so Lee could see and gestured as if I could leave now.

“Ah… if you need anything else-”

“There’s no need, so get out quickly.”

“Yes, yes! Sorry!”

– Rumble.

I heard people scrambling to get out, but the door closed softly.

As soon as I noticed Lina leaving, I held the knife she gave me to cut the meat in my right hand.

Anymore.

“I can’t stand it without letting out these emotions…”

I spoke with a trembling voice as if I had made a firm determination.

I used my right hand to hold the knife against my left wrist.

In fact, it wasn’t the first time I held a knife to my wrist like this.

Although I didn’t harm myself.

He wanted to punish me, but he lacked courage.

But… I think my feelings have changed a bit since Mero left.

Every time I put the knife to my wrist, I can feel the drug being released into my brain.

What I need most right now is secretion.

I think I’m completely hooked on this behavior.

My senses are telling me.

This is something that scares me.

More adrenaline is coming out than when a syringe full of medicine is plunged into one’s veins.

‘I can’t bear it…I feel like I’m going to go very, very, very, very, very crazy…’

A crazy, but exciting situation.

My heart is pounding and my breathing cannot hide my nervousness.

It feels like when you’re in love.

If… I cut my wrists with this knife, then.

‘At that time… how much deeper can I feel love?’

You can do it, you can do it, Baek Harin.

– Sigh!

**********

Once you taste it, it will take your breath away.

I want to enjoy this fantastic sensation more.

I think I feel a little better as I vent out the emotions that have been building up deep inside me.

This feeling.

‘I feel like I’m hallucinating…’

Although I can’t see.

The scent of my blood stung my nose.

It looks like there’s a lot of blood splattered around.

‘Ah… I ended up in an accident.’

I did not heal the wounds I inflicted on myself.

Because you forgot how to use heels?

Of course not, it’s because I wanted to keep this pain for a long time.

If I healed it right away, there would be no reason to have the courage to cut my wrists, right?

I love it because I feel like my brain will melt if I continue to feel this pain.

And this… is to calm the thought of being abandoned by him, and at the same time, it is punishment for the sin of doubting Mr. Si-woo.

– Sigh…

“Ah, hello… It’s lunch time, so I came here for food… I knocked again this time, but there was no answer… Wow!”

“Ah… Lina? Would you like to come here for a moment?”

As meal time approached, I called Lina, who had come to see me, in front of me.

“Are you hurt, sir?! I need emergency treatment now…!”

“I’m not hurt… It’s just an expression of love.”

“Sa, is it love?”

“Yes, love… love.”

I once again picked up the knife, which had already been soaked in my blood.

“Ah… Come to think of it, Lina, you definitely asked me earlier if I needed anything else… right? If so… take it.”

“This?”

And then he put it gently in Lina’s hand.

And the wound was already caused by the skin being torn once. In other words, I showed my left wrist, which had lacerations, to Lina.

“Yes, Lina.”

“Yes?”

Lina answered with a trembling voice.

“You draw it.”

“Now, I think you heard wrong…”

“Now, don’t be scared… It’ll be as easy as drawing a line when drawing…”

“Yeah, but I’ve never done anything like this before…”

It really seems like a child who grew up in an environment without love.

“You don’t want to draw?”

“No… It’s not that I don’t like it… Hey… It’s just… That…”

“Are you… trying to leave me too… Lina? Like Mero…”

And like Mr. Siwoo.

“I’m not leaving, I’m not leaving…”

“Then do it.”

It’s not difficult.

“Well, I don’t know…”

“Quickly.”

Don’t be frustrated.

“Eight!”

– Sigh!

“Hey… aren’t you sick…? Sniff. I’m sorry… ”

Lina was crying and worried about me.

“It’s okay. I did it because I told him to… Well, it may look painful, but… a wound like this is nothing.”

because.

“It’s not the wrist that hurts.”

My heart hurts at the thought of being abandoned and not being able to see him again.

Because it hurts more.

**********

Lina runs out of the room, and some time later.

The door to the room I was locked in opened too early for dinner time.

These footsteps aren’t Lina’s.

“Who are you?”

“Lady, I am the head maid.”

The voice of a woman in her mid-40s.

“Are you here to get me out of here?”

The head maid sighed heavily.

“No matter how much you are a customer, there are degrees. How much harassment did it take for a new employee to quit his job and run away after just one day?”

I don’t think locking up customers is enough.

“… If you’re talking about Rina, I’ve never really bullied her…”

The head maid approached me.

“I heard that the rookie was forced to pay for the scar on his wrist because he was threatened… wasn’t that right?”

Did Lina tell on everything?

I didn’t think that would be the case.

I thought he was a useful kid.

It’s a shame.

“I’m not sure.”

“Hmm… First of all, I understand.”

What do you know?

Anyone but me would have done this.

I lost someone I loved overnight.

It was right next to it too.

When I think about that time again, I feel depressed.

At this moment, I am filled with helplessness and loneliness.

I feel empty and as dark as my vision.

‘What should I do… Siwoo?’

Even though I feel like I have been abandoned by you.

I still like you so much.

I love you so much, who always makes amends for my unreasonable efforts.

Even if it was just a dream, the thought of hugging makes me smile.

‘Really… I feel like my heart is going to explode…’

I can feel my heart beating agitatedly.

I am so ecstatic that I feel like my soul will fly away.

I feel like the cute sound of my heart thrillingly envelops my whole body.

I also want to live like other ordinary lovers.

Holding hands, sometimes hugging.

Kissing and forming relationships.

Touching the sexy clavicle bone.

Get married.

If I become his wife or mother, I don’t want my child to follow the same path as me.

delusion.

It’s the happiest when you’re doing it, but when it’s over, it’s the most vain… Just like a man and a woman having sex.

When the happy imagination ends, I find myself looking for medicine again.

However, you cannot take or administer any medications here.

All I can do is release adrenaline.

No matter how tired I am, I can’t fall asleep due to extreme stress.

To fall into a deep sleep, you have to use a knife again.

As soon as the maid left, I immediately picked up the knife again.

It was different from yesterday, when I was always scaring myself.

Because I have already experienced it.

Hold the knife.

I repeatedly injure my left wrist to the point where it’s boring.

Sensation of skin being torn.

Sensation of nerves being torn.

This action seems to make negative energy disappear.

Although the scars and pain you get from this are short-lived, it gives you a distant feeling of happiness.

It gives you more pleasure than taking off all your clothes and comforting yourself.

This pleasure, even if I can get out of the gate… I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

There is no way I will ever forget the act of self-harm that gives me this deep feeling.

Of course, this is the only atonement I can make to Mr. Siwoo.

Because it is a means of my love for you.