episode_0085

[Episode 85] – What should I do?

Immediately after the dance, Titania went to the ‘lounge room’ for a moment to cool off the fever that had risen to the top of her head.

A place where young girls can change their makeup or make-up, or take a break. Since it was a private space, Titania lay down on the sofa without worrying about what others were thinking.

“ha…”

Titania, who was lying on the sofa looking at the ceiling, took off the shoes she was wearing and hugged the cushion on the sofa tightly. Titania didn’t care at all whether her hair was a mess or her dress was wrinkled.

If someone had seen this, they would have criticized her and said, ‘Princess, you are really rude!’, but Titania was the only person in the lounge right now. And, if it didn’t go away like this, I felt like I wanted to cry right now due to my complicated feelings.

What on earth is going on? This feeling you have for your mother is ‘love’? That love, a word only used when lovers are in love in novels?

I just hate it when my mother gives affection to other ladies, and I just want that affection to be directed only to me.

Is that ‘jealousy’ born out of love? Really, as my mother said, this is the love you feel when you love your ‘lover’? Me, the daughter, to my mother?

‘It doesn’t make sense from common sense… that I, a daughter, feel affection for my mother. Besides, my mother and I are both women, right? Even in books, men and women love each other, but women don’t love each other, right?’

Titania denied and denied again.

They said it couldn’t happen and that it didn’t make sense in the first place. Titania denied her feelings for now. I didn’t even know my own feelings in the first place, but I thought it was strange to judge what this feeling was just by listening to my mother’s words…

It was true that I sympathized with my mother’s words. She didn’t want her mother to approach another lady. Moreover, I hope that my mother will only focus on me and not on the other ladies. It was clear that such thoughts were taking hold in his mind.

“Ugh!!”

Titania writhed on the sofa again, shaking with shame.

After struggling and turning over a few times, I looked at the ceiling and sighed. I thought I would calm down for a moment, but soon I started kicking the air with my feet due to the unknown anger boiling inside me.

‘If only my mother hadn’t said such strange things in the first place! What on earth is love?! A hug or a kiss on the lips! ‘It’s all because my mother said strange things!’

Titania was fluttering her feet in the air as if kicking a blanket that wasn’t even covering her, and for a moment, a ray of memory passed through her mind. I remember that it was I who asked my mother, ‘What is love?’

In a strange situation where she got angry after asking her mother, Titania became so annoyed by everything that she became sullen and sank down on the sofa.

How on earth could it possibly be good?

Titania closed her eyes tightly and began to think.

How can we prove that this feeling is not ‘love’? In the first place, is this really ‘love’? Could it be that I am simply mistaking this feeling I have for my mother for ‘family love’?

‘Yes, I’m sure it will. If the mother you’ve lived with your whole life gives affection to someone other than your daughter, isn’t that something you can be jealous of? Isn’t it difficult to call that romantic love? yes? Is that it?’

Titania asked and answered alone and nodded.

Titania tried to compromise her feelings, saying that she simply mistook this feeling for ‘family love’ and that she was mistaken because she was a foolish child who loved her mother too much. In other words, this feeling was an illusion.

As I tried to believe that all these feelings were an illusion, I felt like I was hearing a question in my heart. It was as if another person was asking me a question in my heart.

‘Then, is it okay for your mother to give affection to someone else? ‘I’m all grown up, I’m not a child anymore, so is it okay for my mother to abandon me and love someone else?’

‘……’

‘Is it okay for my mother to share love with someone else, like the main character in the novel? Holding hands with someone other than myself, kissing lips with someone other than myself, with someone other than myself…’

Jump up!

Titania, whose face was bright red, stood up straight away.

The corners of my eyes became watery due to the emotions boiling inside me. As soon as she thought of her mother doing something like that with someone else, Titania burst into tears.

Although Titania was only 13 years old, she already knew everything she knew. I learned in class that children are not brought to us by fairies, but that a man and a woman must do this and that to be born.

My mother told me to receive sex education before entering the academy, so I had no choice but to listen. The content of the class itself was embarrassing, but I didn’t think much about it at the time.

It was something I knew from reading romance novels in the first place. The content of the sex education class specialized in sensual scenes in novels. But your mother is doing it with someone else? What do people who love each other do?

Titania ran her face down with both hands, then rubbed her wet eyes with the backs of her hands and swallowed.

When I thought of my mother doing something like that with someone else, I felt irritated and nauseated. It wasn’t that I was annoyed at my mother for doing such things. The person you are annoyed with is…

‘ah.’

Suddenly, Titania closed her eyes.

I felt like I was going to cry at any moment and didn’t know what to do. Titania couldn’t raise her head because of the overwhelming sense of self-destruction, wondering how this was ‘family love’ and how this could be the feelings a ‘child’ could have towards its mother.

‘How can this be…?’

The person he was irritated with was not his mother, but ‘someone’ who was holding his mother. Besides, this feeling I had for that someone was all too familiar.

Titania knew this feeling better than anyone else. That’s right, it’s only been a few hours since I became aware of this feeling.

The feeling that Titania had towards an imaginary faceless ‘someone’ was none other than ‘jealousy’. A jealousy so intense that it felt like all my internal organs were going to burst.

Titania even became jealous of the imaginary being she came up with. The fact was so absurd that Titania burst into laughter while lying on the sofa.

‘What on earth do I want to do with my mother? I am…’

As I was wallowing in self-destruction, I heard someone knocking on the break room door. Moreover, the door started to open without even telling me to come in.

Titania cursed under her breath, quickly got up and sat down quietly. Then, a familiar mask stuck its head out through the crack in the door.

“Titania, may I come in? Oh, don’t worry about what other people think. “I made sure there was no one around.”

“Uh, mother…”

When she saw the wolf mask peeking through the crack in the door, Titania’s shoulders, which had been tense, began to drop. As Titania let out a sigh of relief for a moment, Vivian sneaked into the lounge and took a seat on the sofa.

“Are you still tired?”

“Oh, no… I’m okay now…”

“…? okay? “You still look tired to me.”

Titania burst out laughing at those words.

He gently nodded, saying that lying doesn’t work on his mother either.

Then, my mother let out a tired sigh and took off the wolf mask she was wearing and placed it on the table. Her face looked like my mother’s, but her hair was black because she was wearing a wig, so it felt strange.

“Why are you looking so intently?”

“…It’s my first time seeing my mother wearing a wig.”

“okay? Then take a look now. I won’t use it again from now on. This thing is more itchy than I thought. “To the point where I want to take it off right away.”

Vivian sighed deeply and was about to take off her wig, but then stopped. It would definitely be cooler if I took it off, but it was too cumbersome to put it back on.

Titania, who was allowed to look at her face like that, calmly engraved her mother’s face on her retina. Among my mother’s beautiful features as usual, the thing that stood out the most were her lips.

Titania couldn’t take her eyes off Vivian’s lips. As she continued to look at her mother’s lips, Titania seemed to keep feeling the smooth texture of the lips and the feeling of small wrinkles on the back of her hand, so she unconsciously brushed the back of her hand where her mother’s lips had touched it.

Then, quite naturally, the thought occurred to me that I wish my mother would kiss the back of my hand one more time. When that thought occurred to Titania, she slapped the back of her hand in surprise at what she had imagined! pinched

‘Am I really crazy?’

Titania shook her head to get rid of the bad thoughts. He had never looked at his mother with ‘those eyes’ in his entire life. I really didn’t swear.

The reason she was having these bad thoughts was because she had strange fantasies about her mother earlier, or because she read too many romance novels. Titania sighed as she thought to herself.

Vivian looked at Titania with worried eyes as Titania continued to sigh as if the ground was falling. As a mother, there was no way Vivian wouldn’t have noticed Titania’s abnormality.

Vivian gently raised her hand and placed her hand on Titania’s forehead. I checked my temperature with my palm to see if I had a fever, but I was glad that I didn’t feel like I had a fever.

“Titania, you’re really okay, right? “Isn’t it painful somewhere?”

“Gwae, it’s okay. “I’m just tired…”

“…bearing pain is the most foolish thing to do. “If you have any pain, please tell me anytime.”

“……”

ah. I’m really going crazy.

Titania felt heat boiling in her body every time her skin touched Vivian’s. The trigger was my mother’s plump lips, and it was an affectionate gesture as usual. Those kind eyes and hand gestures seemed to be driving me crazy today.

Titania glanced up and looked at her mother’s lips. I wanted to feel that feeling when those lips touched the back of my hand just one more time. But, how? How do you ask your mother?

Titania hesitated for a moment, then a bad idea occurred to her. He knew this wasn’t a good idea, but it was all his fever-ridden brain could think of.

“Uh, mom… I think I’m sick…”

“…As expected, where does it hurt? sick? headache? “We need to bring a doctor quickly…”

“Well, that’s not it…! There is no need for a member of the National Assembly…! Well, just…”

Titania, whose face was bright red, pursed her lips and gently extended one hand to her mother. The bad thoughts that popped into my head were a way of exchanging my shame.

“Uh, I think it would get better if my mother kissed me… right…?”

“……”

A truly absurd look.

Titania’s face turned so red that it couldn’t get any redder as her mother looked at her as if it was absolutely absurd, asking since when did you show me this cuteness? It was absurd even to think about it, but I couldn’t think of any other way.

I was filled with shame and burst into tears. The moment when Titania was about to pull back her outstretched hand while thinking that she wanted to hide if there was a mouse hole right away –

“…Since when did my daughter become such a cute girl?”

I felt a familiar touch on the back of my hand along with the sound. It hurts as if my heart is being squeezed, and a pleasant heat spreads from the part where it touches. Titania smiled at that feeling and looked at Vivian.

But, honestly, this wasn’t enough. No, it was so insufficient that I couldn’t be satisfied with it.

I couldn’t pick up the shame that had now fallen. So, Titania could become more confident. No, I could be shameless. Even if I asked for a more provocative request, I wasn’t embarrassed because I had already gotten rid of the shame.

“W-Is it possible to go here too?”

Titania tapped her lips. Vivian stiffened as if she was embarrassed by that appearance, but then smiled and looked at Titania.

‘Are you saying that you’re acting cute because of the other ladies? Since that incident when I was ten, I have never even touched those lips, let alone kissed them.’

However, Vivian said that she could not help it because the child wanted it, so she gently raised her head and gently rubbed her lips against Titania’s. There was a very brief sound, and then the lips separated.

“There’s a lot of cuteness today.”

Titania felt as if her mother’s eye smile was curved like a crescent moon and the slight touch of her lips took her breath away.

And soon, the complicated emotions inside me began to unravel.

‘……Oh, I see.’

This wasn’t just a matter of words like romantic love or family love.

This feeling I felt while looking at my mother was not simply a feeling I felt because I loved my mother as a woman, nor was it a feeling I felt because I loved my mother because she was my parent.

just…

I just love you because you are ‘Vivian’.

It doesn’t matter if it’s your mother or the same sex.

I love you for who you are.

I like ‘Vivian’ who loves me.

I love ‘Vivian’ who is there for me.

Titania suddenly hugged Vivian.

It was just a normal hug, but for some reason it felt different than usual. I could clearly feel my mother’s body, my mother’s heartbeat, everything about my mother that I had not been interested in until now.

“mother…”

“huh?”

“Do you love me?”

Vivian sighed softly at that question.

Vivian replied, saying that from now on, I will not kiss other ladies on the lips, and that I had no idea that Titania was such a jealous child. She gently stroked Titania’s hair as if soothing a whining child.

“Then, I love you more than anything in the world. “The only child I love is you.”

Titania, who had buried her head in her chest, lifted her head, made eye contact with Vivian, and smiled brightly.

“Me too.”

sincerely.

“I only love my mother.”