episode_0084

In the end, my older sister missed the timing to have the child, missed the deadline, and ended up having to give birth as is.

My older sister, who was devastated by that fact, just stood still with her head down in a daze.

The first thing my sister learned was to give up.

In the end, he seemed frustrated by the fact that there was nothing he could have changed.

I didn’t feel anything special when I saw that shape.

When I saw my older sister finally giving up on leaving home because she couldn’t overcome the gaze of others, or when I saw her giving up on going back to school because she had to raise her child because she knew she would eventually get full, I nodded.

“… I love you.”

“Yes… ”

I whispered my love to my older sister several times.

Because she was the older sister I wanted, the one I got felt so special.

If she tried to do something independently, she would say no, tell her she was wrong, undermine her self-esteem, and suggest an answer instead.

And in the end, my sister left almost all judgment to me.

“I will take responsibility. Just do as I say.”

I told my parents to tell me that this happened while I was playing with another guy and that it was too late for me to find out.

My sister might get criticized for a moment, but it was the best way to avoid ruining each other’s situations.

Because if I also fail, I won’t be able to take responsibility for my sister and my child.

“Okay.”

My sister nodded.

He seemed to know that his future was already dark and that he had to find another way to live, and he seemed to be clearly aware that that meant relying on me.

It was fortunate. The thought that I was glad that my sister knew about this lingered in my head.

“But there’s something strange about my stomach being so full.”

“… That’s right.”

My sister dropped her blank gaze and stroked her stomach.

When I realized that it was my child, I felt like I was gritting my teeth, but in the end, when I remembered that it was my child, I sighed and stroked it gently.

My sister probably didn’t intend to do something like this.

Maybe I just wanted to end it with something to satisfy my brief curiosity in middle school.

I’ve brought this on so far, and the end result is that she may not have wanted my child.

I may have wanted to live a normal life and live a normal life, but I didn’t let go of my sister.

And I got a satisfactory result.

As I said, in order to teach as I wanted, I had to let him know that I was giving up.

When you give up your will, your subjectivity, your freedom, your shame, even yourself, you can do whatever you want.

“… I love you.”

I whispered.

As I said, I loved my sister.

I loved it, I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it.

My sister wanted to live as mine for the rest of her life.

And the joy of succeeding at it rose up to my throat.

My sister’s expression isn’t that bright, but that can be corrected in the future.

My sister nodded.

It was because he knew that in this situation, if he didn’t listen to me, his situation would fall further.

Rather than telling my parents the truth and falling into the abyss with me, it was better to leave me alone, fall alone for a while, and then cling to me and figure it out somehow.

“… Me too.”

My sister answered like that in a whisper.

Seeing him muttering that while caressing his swollen belly made me take a deep breath.

I raised the corner of my mouth and gently kissed my older sister on the mouth.

My sister trembled for a moment and then accepted my lips.

There was my love between them that I couldn’t refuse and couldn’t stay away from.

What should be in my hands and out of anyone’s reach, I called love.

I was someone who expressed love through possessiveness.

For both objects and people, only in that way could their senses be resolved.

“How many children will be cured?”

“… Ha, one person is fine.”

It would be difficult if there were too many of them.

I nodded at my sister’s words.

“I see.”

My sister hesitated for a moment and spoke quietly.

“I want to eat something… ”

“What is it?”

“… Strawberry.”

“Okay, I’ll buy it for you.”

I don’t know anything else, but I was able to organize it.

If I wasn’t going to do that much to my sister who had my child in the first place, I wouldn’t have made it like this.

My sister seemed a little relieved to see me willingly agree.

Because I had become this way at this age, I couldn’t go out easily because I was afraid of what people around me would think, so even if there was something I wanted to do, I had to hold back, and if there was anything I wanted to eat, I had to just have it delivered.

In the meantime, I was extremely reluctant to meet anyone who came, so in the end, I had to do everything.

In one way or another, she was a sister who took a lot of effort.

I love her even more because she is that kind of older sister.

Even though it was a little cumbersome, even though it was hard to tell each person what to do and what not to do, I felt at ease when I saw my sister continuously trying to get my permission.

Even if you do it occasionally, I think I’ll get annoyed if you show off.

Since it was mine, I liked my older sister following what I said.

I loved my sister.

I could prove it by holding it in my hands.

“I bought strawberries.”

“Ugh, thank you.”

My sister quietly smiled and looked at the strawberries I bought her.

It seems like there has been quite a bit of tempting food these days.

As I started to feel full, my appetite seemed to have changed a bit.

“I’ll feed you.”

“Even if you don’t… ”

“I’ll feed you.”

“… Okay.”

My sister nodded at my words.

I took a strawberry stem and put it in my sister’s mouth.

It was impossible to even feed him food, but if I could feed him like this, I tended to feed him myself.

They only eat what they buy, and they only eat what they put in their mouths.

He doesn’t do anything on his own, and every time he does something, it has to go through me.

Every time I repeated that kind of life, my sister became more helpless.

It seemed like it was made worse by the fact that I couldn’t do anything and didn’t have to do it.

Now that she no longer has to do housework, it has become a routine for her to spend each day in a daze.

If I tried to do something, I would force him to sit still.

If I tried to judge something, I would argue and yell that it was wrong.

The more it was repeated, the more time my sister spent dazed.

“… If I go outside, will I get in big trouble?”

And one day, my older sister muttered and said that.

Looking at the parked cars below through the window and the people wandering around, it looked like they wanted to get out.

But after a while, he patted his bulging belly and sighed.

He seemed to be distressed by the fact that if he went out, he would only become one of the rumors, wondering how he had ended up like this.

I said this to my older sister as if it were natural.

“Of course not. Still, it’s okay at night when there’s no one around.”

I wanted to cut it out because it was always a self-deprecatory situation, but I did so because I thought it would be okay to give it some air at least once.

Then my sister turned to me with trembling pupils.

It was a look in his eyes that said he didn’t know I would give him permission.

“Why? How many times have I told my sister to be bad?”

“… No.”

My sister hesitated at my words.

It seemed like she wanted to talk about how she became pregnant and what prevented her from having the child.

It seemed like he knew that if he tried to say something like that, he would end up hearing something he didn’t want to hear, so he stopped.

“No? Are you saying you don’t want to go out?”

“Oh, no… ! I want to go out… ”

“As long as you don’t meet people who know something, you can do it.”

I shrugged my shoulders and said.

My sister seemed a little happy at the thought that she would be able to at least walk around at night.

Even though I was suppressing everything and asking for permission and saying no, the smile of my sister who was happy when I gave permission once in a while seemed like it was priceless.

“Then what time should we leave? I guess it will be better after 12 o’clock.”

As everyone was choosing a time to sleep, my sister nodded lightly as if she agreed with that time.

“Then let’s do it.”

He gave his sister limited freedom.

By repeatedly asking her to make choices and limiting her choices at the same time, she eventually became obedient.

Because it couldn’t escape my hands anyway.

Because I was afraid that the moment I escaped, I might fall into a bottomless place.

I didn’t grab my older sister and pull her up.

Because I just wanted to let him live like this, clinging to me and only looking at me.

I wanted to throw it into a pit and leave it there to live only for myself, without seeing the rest of the world.

I couldn’t help it.

This is not a fantasy world where it is possible to force a relationship that doesn’t work out.

“It’s been a while since I went for a walk.”

“… Yes.”

I was glad that my sister seemed to be having fun too.

My older sister, who lives a life dependent on me, was already smiling.

I liked a sister like that.

My sister who has been tamed by me and can’t go anywhere.