episode_0073

As time accumulated, its weight grew.

One year, five years, ten years, and then fifteen years.

Memories of what I had seen faded and yellowed with the passage of time, remaining only in memory, no longer tangible to sight or touch. This law, like truth itself, applied not only to objects and places but also to people.

Yes, just like my senior now.

Like Agape, the military officer, Agape the knight of the Oleg Knights, my contemporary and colleague from the same class, and my senior.

Even an iron man, who seemed impervious to any storm, could not escape this law, which was akin to truth itself.

So much had changed.

Clad in unknown armor, he exuded the scent of ash and burning, a faint smell of decaying corpse from within, living a life worse than death.

His heart and mind were vacant, devoid of light, filled with an emptiness so profound it could hardly be called a human spirit.

Even brokenness was visible within that heart.

As a succubus, my vision could peer into human interiors, and I saw shattered fragments within that empty heart, where only a profound sense of futility resided.

At the core of that emptiness, a ‘twisted obsession’ stubbornly held together his crumbling heart, preventing its collapse.

Happiness and joy, as if castrated, remained as mere embers, without a flicker of life, shrinking before the other negative emotions that asserted their presence, unable to emit proper light.

All those scenes appeared vividly before my eyes.

Amazingly, my succubus eyes and other senses allowed me to see and feel everything about my senior, including his emotions and inner state.

As a result, contemplating his inner self directly while replaying his previous words, rather than just hearing his words and feeling sadness, brought an even deeper sorrow.

Because, strangely, some of his sorrow had assimilated into my succubus heart.

His strong sorrow, dense and sticky, perhaps inseparable forever.

It was so palpably felt that it rendered me speechless.

“…I see.”

No matter what words I offered, no matter what I conveyed here.

“……Yes. That’s how it was.”

Because to him, I wasn’t someone he loved enough to heal such a deep wound.

Even if he briefly offered a faint smile in thanks for my words, I knew I wouldn’t be enough help to heal the wound in his heart.

Feeling wretched that I was only this much to him, I buried my face in his embrace, trying to hide my expression.

‘Even if I offered heartfelt comfort, it wouldn’t be much help to him.’

Fifteen years ago, and even now.

Only one woman had always occupied his heart.

He would deny it, but to my succubus eyes, I could see that a lingering attachment still remained.

Still, wanting to gather my courage—

“Senior.”

After a long silence, I called out to him, then met his gaze.

But I was immediately speechless.

“…….”

…Was it right for me to offer words of comfort to him?

I didn’t even know what had happened to him until now.

All I knew was a part of his past that he occasionally revealed, and…

…the fact that he joined the knights to find a woman who had become a hero. I knew nothing else.

Could I…

“…….”

…dare to qualify to comfort my senior?

No matter what I said, he would probably say thank you. Because even though he seemed stern on the outside, he was infinitely gentle on the inside.

But thinking that whatever words I offered wouldn’t directly reach his heart, my soft lips stiffened against my will.

Silence fell again.

My pink eyes blurred my vision as I looked up at his white eyes.

His white eyes looked down at my pink, ruby-like eyes, waiting for the words to come from my mouth.

…In the end, it was my senior who spoke first.

Tap… tap…

Gently stroking the back of my head.

As if handling a younger sibling…

…Gently, as if handling a younger sibling.

“You don’t have to force yourself to say anything.”

“This alone is enough, and I’m grateful.”

“…….”

Ultimately, no words of comfort came from his lips.

It was his peculiar habit to be terribly bad at lying, especially when it came to his own feelings, and that habit, unknowingly, conveyed a truth that was painful for me to hear.

‘Though he was grateful, it wasn’t comforting.’

He had never said such a thing, but listening to the tiny fragments of his true feelings that emerged with his speech patterns, I understood it that way.

Feeling the gentle touch, as if comforting a younger sibling, I bit my lip slightly.

‘In the end, I was still only this much of a woman to him.’

A gaze and touch treating me not as a woman, but as a tomboyish younger sister.

And the iron-wall-like barrier erected in his heart because of *that* woman…

…The remnants of which, unknown even to him, still remained in his heart, making me feel distant.

“Thank you.”

My senior said that to me.

Thank you.

His gratitude was sincere.

And to those words, I replied with a smile.

“As long as you know.”

In a voice that grew steadily softer.

Holding unspoken feelings within a smiling expression.

***

“…Agape.”

“Let’s… end this now.”

“It’s been ten years.”

“Many things have happened since then.”

“I’ve gained precious people in my life too.”

“After going through life-and-death battles, I now have comrades who are truly precious by my side.”

“Astolfo has always protected me when you weren’t there. From the oppression of the Prophets, and in battles against the armies of death.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Now, I only want to look towards the present.”

Like brushing off dust named remnants of the past.

“Because you were too weak.”

“Agape.”

“Let’s end this now.”

“It’s time to wake from the dream, Agape.”

“In the past, we promised to marry once we left the city.”

“But I don’t think I can keep that promise anymore.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“…Now, please never appear in my life again.”

Pouring rain─────

““Like brushing off… whoosh, whoosh… the dust named remnants of the past.””

Standing alone, he looked down at the remnants of the past.

Looking down at the nameless gravestone, he re-experienced the pain he felt in the nightmare called reminiscence, right after waking from a long memory.

“…….”

Do you know the feeling of your head being scraped with a hook?

When waking from a nightmare, it feels as if something crawls on the brain, floating in the cerebral fluid within the head, and the heart feels a searing pain, like being rubbed with sandpaper.

I want to erase this pain.

I want to erase it, so desperately.

…Half a lifetime has passed since I harbored such thoughts.

‘How did my life turn out like this?’

When I naturally sought the reason, with the anger surging within me, my own weakness always came to mind first.

My own pitifulness emerged first.

‘Yes, it was because of those things.’

So I erased them. The traces and existence of the human named Agape, and the memories.

I erased everything, and I believed it had all been erased.

Because I believed that no one in this world would remember me, not even by breaking through the power of the false Amber.

Not Cerebus, nor the Prophets of Light.

Nor the people with small connections I’d met since leaving the city.

And Roland…

…and Kara.

Since she was the one who told me never to appear in her life again, I was certain even she would forget me.

So I thought no one would remember me, and that by erasing my own existence, I could be free from the pain of the past.

But I was wrong.

Cursing my fate, I still carried the nightmares of the past.

If I could erase others’ memories, I should be able to erase my own. One of my greatest desires was to obliterate all my past memories.

Yet for some reason, I still remembered the nightmares of the past.

Even if everyone else had forgotten me, and despite breaking the Amber, I still vividly remembered the past.

““Why, just why…?””

His teeth involuntarily ground together.

Now, a curse to me was no longer a cursed power or ‘darkness’.

This memory I possessed, this memory that made me involuntarily smell the lingering scent of the past whenever I saw a fragment of it, was nothing short of a curse to me.

A curse that could never be shaken off.

A curse that could only be shed in death.

To me, memory had become such a thing.

In a life where I had lost everything, I had lived half my life trying to remove that curse, yet the answer I found after more than a decade of wandering was simply that this curse could never be cast off.

“…Pfft.”

A scoff escaped him.

Heroes who once shone so brightly, who stood so tall I dared not even look up to them, were now practically beneath my feet.

Far from shining like them, I was preoccupied with living a life dedicated to erasing the curse named memory.

‘A life truly befitting a Fallen.’

A dirty, dark life, endlessly smelling of a gutter.

A life with no bright future in sight, only a future like a lightless underground sewer, constantly exuding the stench of a gutter.

Even if a bright lantern were to illuminate my life midway, it would be a life where I had to ignore that light and press forward only towards a hopeless future.

Such was my life.

‘Helena.’

That’s why he pushed Helena away too.

Even though he knew her heart, even though he knew what she was thinking and how much she wanted to approach him.

Still, he had no choice but to push her away.

Because he didn’t want to see Helena accept him and be stained by his gutter-like life.

And if she were to suffer by his side, it would only prolong his nightmare.

And most of all.

‘This body, and this heart—’

…were dying, entangled in past nightmares, dying from cursed power, body and mind decaying.

His physical body was barely preventing its collapse by borrowing the power of the armor.

His mind, with each use of the flames, had its memories and personality eroded, leaving only a future where he would eventually become a monster, just like ‘the old calamity’.

Ultimately, in this situation, with only a future of struggling to erase past memories left for him, he shouldn’t have accepted Helena.

So he refused.

So he pretended not to know.

Even though he knew it was frustrating, insensitive, and foolish, he couldn’t accept Helena because he knew it would be a selfish choice.

‘Someday—’

…he would have to part with Helena.

Whether they parted after she was returned to human form, or if not, he would take measures to ensure she could live the rest of her life in a safe and comfortable place.

Since he couldn’t keep Helena by his side, the day would come when he would have to part with her, even though she remembered him by overcoming the Amber’s power.

Mulling over that fact again, he wondered if he wasn’t kicking away the last light entering his life…

Pouring rain─────

But for Helena’s sake, he could only think that this was for the best.

“…….”

He picked up the ring that had fallen to the ground.

Of the two lilac rings he had, one had already turned to dust and vanished.

Only Kara’s ring remained, lying forlornly before the gravestone.

“…….”

Although he had used an illusion to make his appearance human-like, naturally, he felt nothing on his hand when touching the ring.

Neither the bone-chilling cold that came from the combination of rainwater and the chill of Mulpain.

Nor the sensation of the small soil particles clinging to it when he picked up the ring.

He felt no sensation at all; only the visual information in this black and white world informed him that he was holding the ring.

“…….”

Gazing at the sight from within his armor, which was akin to a coffin, he realized anew just how close to death he truly lived.

That meant his days were numbered.

Thud—

He dropped the ring, then murmured quietly.

“…The nightmare.”

He had lived a life solely dedicated to erasing pain.

The remainder of his life would also be lived solely for this purpose.

Struggling to erase the pain until his very last breath.

He would either vanish and die, or become a monster like Morgoth of the Golden Age, a calamity for the next era, and meet a monster’s death.

Pouring rain───

“…….”

He thought of Helena once more.

Before she got hurt any more, he probably needed to separate her from himself a little earlier and send her somewhere.

To a safe and peaceful place, where she could live a life of abundance and happiness, lacking nothing.

***

“Haa, haa…”

She panted heavily, her heart pounding.

Then, leaving the city, she ran towards the place where campfire smoke rose from beyond the hill, under the dark night sky.

It was where Ivan was.

“…Hmm? Weren’t you going into the city? Why back here again—”

“Old man.”

Ivan replied with a flustered expression at Kara’s words, her eyes seemingly crumbling as she called him.

“Uh… yes…?”

“You said you’ve always been active only around here, right?”

“That’s right? I’ve been wandering around nearby villages and cities, centered around Fallen, so you could say I saw Fallen almost every day—”

“Then—”

She closed the distance and asked him.

“Then, do you happen to remember seeing anyone near Fallen? Or… someone coming out of Fallen?”

“You’re asking if I’ve seen anyone come out of Fallen?”

As she nodded, he hummed thoughtfully, falling into contemplation.

“Hmm…”

And a moment later.

“Ah, come to think of it, I have seen one person.”

“You… have?”

“Yes. I couldn’t have a conversation with them because they were too far away, but clearly—”

“Then, do you know where that person went?”

At her words, he looked at Kara with a look that asked why she was suddenly asking such a thing, and Kara pleaded with Ivan with earnest eyes.

“Please…”

“Hmm… I saw them from afar so I can’t be certain, but they were wearing the distinctive fur clothing of a Mulpain citizen. And given the direction they were walking, towards the imperial capital, I suppose they might have been heading to Mulpain—”

“Thank you!”

No sooner had she heard his words than Kara dashed in that direction.

“Surely you’re not going all that way just based on my words?! What if you go just based on that! Hey! Hey there!”

He frantically called out to Kara, but thanks to her leg strength, which was on a different level from a Sword Master, Kara had already run far into the distance.

“Hmph, she’s certainly strong.”

Crackle— crackle—

He added more logs and sat before the campfire.

Then, after roughly arranging the logs with a fire poker, Ivan looked at the ‘two golems’ lying in the carriage like lifeless corpses.

“Cough, cough…!”

His terrible lung disease flared up again, and he coughed dryly.

After coughing incessantly for a long time, and immediately after wetting his throat with the water bottle next to him, he looked once more in the direction Kara had run.

“She must be going to find Agape.”

He murmured, setting down the water bottle he had used to quench his thirst.

“Last I saw him, he was completely different.”

He recalled his appearance, with his distinctive black eyes and hair color gone, replaced by pure white eyes and hair thanks to the armor’s disguise function.

And—

Crackle— crackle—

“…….”

Looking down at the campfire with a stiff expression, he set down the fire poker he had regripped.

His brown eyes recalled a long-ago memory.

His face was tinged with guilt.