episode_0072

Lost My Pieces – You have become a part of my life.

A room where I am alone.

-Bianca, I’m going to confess to Carlisle. Tomorrow, on confession day.

After reading the text, Vita held her breath.

The amethyst colored eyes continued to shake without rest.

Why did Emily bother to text me?

Why, Bianca? Why didn’t you say Vita?

The rest of the text is equally confusing.

-I don’t know why I’m sending you this message either. But maybe you… don’t know.

The two hands holding my head begin to shake slightly.

Vita clasped her knees together, rested her head on them, and shivered.

But little by little, I think I know.

It changes emotionally.

“Why me…?”

Why couldn’t you go back?

Vita, suddenly.

He also recalls what the doctor had said earlier.

-Miss Bianca, no, Vita-kun herself. Did you really want to go back…?

That’s where the thinking stops.

Is it really necessary to define my true feelings?

Of course, he just wanted things to go back to how they were, and he also wanted to support Emily and Carlisle.

‘Of course, seriously…’

Once again the accident stops.

A feeling of wanting to hide. A feeling of not wanting to know.

Maybe what you implied yourself is not true.

A confusing question that rises from within and consumes your mind in an instant.

‘I am…’

What did you want to do?

I tried to go back to being a man.

There is no particular reason. It is just the natural course of things.

But at the same time.

A voice in a corner of my heart.

‘Be honest, Vita.’

If you didn’t care about what other people think or think.

What did you want to do?

Vita continued to think.

‘I am fake… ‘

As a woman, I feel like a fake.

A fake that can never be real.

You can’t fool everyone except your family your whole life.

No, maybe.

‘You could do it if you wanted to deceive, but…’

Because only he knows the whole truth.

So Vita was scared.

‘I am Bianca Shamal…’

Herself as Bianca Shamal.

Are you sure you have the confidence to continue living, to deceive everyone?

The reason why even the moment I realized it is ridiculous.

Because I ended up liking that Carlyle Schultz guy. And that too, rationally.

As soon as he realized that fact, Vita became afraid of everything.

‘I don’t have… confidence… ‘

Yeah, that’s right.

I had no confidence at all.

Both women and men.

A self who is an in-between being who does not belong anywhere.

‘Carlyle, my…’

What if you knew the truth?

That was also scary.

How did even the kind Emily Swan react?

[No, that’s what I mean. It’s strange that a guy likes Carlyle, and it doesn’t seem right…]

Yeah, that’s right.

Vita, of course, knows that Emily’s reaction is not strange.

‘That’s the world’s perception, the perception of ordinary people.’

Because in this society, there is clearly something called common sense.

So Carlyle too.

-You’re disgusting.

If they knew the truth, they might tell me so.

You may be angry at yourself for lying to yourself so far. You may be cruel. You may be contemptuous.

‘I… that.’

That was so scary.

Just imagine, Vita doesn’t think she could handle it. She doesn’t think she could handle it if Carlyle did that to her.

Before I knew it, the other person had become so important to me that I didn’t even know how it happened.

Imagine if Carlyle did that.

“Sigh… Ugh… ”

Just thinking about it was painful, I had trouble breathing and had to take deep breaths.

Well, that’s ironic.

Vita realized her feelings and faced reality.

Something that is in accordance with the ways of the world. Something that is within the bounds of common sense.

Now, your mind is out of there. So it is only natural that you should go back.

He kept hinting at it like that.

I thought that things would be okay once I sorted out all of Bianca Shamal’s feelings and relationships.

It’s just going back to the ordinary life I had before, which was a little less fun but still comfortable.

Just study and watch anime sometimes.

I’ll just go back to my normal life of going to the festival with my junior, Luwa Kos.

But, indeed.

Did you want to give everything up as ‘Bianca Shamal’?

-Because he was originally a man.

Except for that truth. If you completely set aside other people’s views and common sense, you.

Really, did you just want to go back?

Did you have any regrets? Were you truly and earnestly eager to return?

As much as Vita Shamal’s memory is precious and important.

The memories of Bianca Shamal are also so precious and bitter.

Maybe the latter has more experience, even though the time he has spent is shorter. In that short time, Vita has experienced many things, learned new emotions, and learned at the same time.

If there are things you have to do and things you want to do.

Obviously, the latter is probably more sincere.

Then what about your true feelings? Where does your true feelings belong?

‘I, really…’

What did you want to do? What was my true heart?

In order for Vita to come up with an answer, there was work to be done.

So, from the beginning.

I had to revisit all my past memories as Bianca Shamal.

***

Looking back from the beginning.

Bianca Shamal’s time was like a firefly, lasting only two months or so.

I learned a lot of new things and experienced a variety of emotions.

The person who was always by his side was Carlyle Schultz.

My rival, who I always thought was unlucky.

But he kept coming closer and closer to me, annoying me.

[Why are you such a clumsy girl?]

[Thorn, don’t worry?]

Vita, who was recalling the memory, couldn’t help but laugh. Yes, ridiculously.

It feels like the complicated feelings I had until just now are calming down.

‘… I definitely thought it was annoying and boring at first.’

Until then, Vita really hated her opponent.

But before we knew it,

I get to know aspects of the other person that I didn’t know before, and I get to know them a little better.

Before I knew it, I had become dyed in its color.

‘Why do you always treat me like a woman?’

At first, it was annoying.

Even Vita doesn’t know when it started that she fell for the consistently shameless pace of her opponent.

[Should I give it to you, sir?]

[Because I like you.]

Even though I always say no!

That Carlyle guy keeps coming closer.

There was a time when he almost got into trouble with Nathan, a bully from the next school.

There was Carlyle Schultz.

[Are you okay…?]

A voice that was ringing low.

For some reason, the embrace felt warm and reassuring, so I ended up panicking.

Under the crimson streetlights. I remember walking, looking only at the other person’s back, as if in a strange dream.

A very strange feeling. A feeling that I can’t even express in words, a truly strange feeling.

[Wait here for a moment.]

I felt a sense of loss at the sound of that affectionate voice.

‘Oh, whoa!’

I remember grabbing the other person’s collar without realizing it, and I remember Carlyle teasing me about it and grumbling after the other person disappeared.

‘If you keep walking, you’ll fall over and break your nose!’

I remember everything.

‘… It was a bit harsh.’

Vita chuckled.

Of course, I reflected on it at the time.

A delicious parfait that Carlyle bought afterwards.

I remember sitting in the park together.

When I went to Wisney Park, I only had fun memories.

[Do you want to go? Or not?]

He didn’t even think about that question at all.

‘Go, absolutely…!’

Magical Girl Eve collaboration, various new rides.

It was actually my first time at an amusement park since I was a kid, so I was really excited.

[Gyaaaah-!]

I remember riding the ride at the time and hearing my own screams and thinking to myself that I was quite strange.

[Why would you bother buying it and carrying it around yourself?]

‘Will it really suit me…?’

When you’re holding magical girl goods and still worrying. What Carlyle said to you.

[Is that so…?]

There, I found myself wearing the goods, barely able to muster up the courage.

Evening casino parade.

Shouts of “Wow”, the raucous sound of musical instruments, fireworks under the night sky.

[Now, try it.]

Vita remembers all of this, like when she absentmindedly accepted the churros that Carlyle offered her, and then suddenly froze at the sight of herself like that.

‘Ew, wait… what am I doing?’

But looking back, it wasn’t a bad feeling.

The excited atmosphere of the time. And the happy feelings.

‘After that, in the haunted house…’

I cried and cried so much. Even thinking about it now, I feel embarrassed and put my hand on my forehead.

The incident on the Ferris wheel. My face turned slightly red after thinking about it.

The first time a magical day came as Bianca Shamal.

[Are you okay?]

[… There doesn’t seem to be a fever.]

A hand sweeping across her forehead with a face that looked seriously worried.

[Ugh-]

He was shocked after eating the porridge Carlyle had prepared.

[You, you know. Have you ever made porridge before?!]

I almost threw up because the porridge was so tasteless. But honestly.

‘I was a little touched…’

That was probably the first time I had ever received nursing care from someone other than my family, so I felt a little strange at the time.

***

Vita keeps coming back to me.

[Why do you think I’ll be okay with it?]

A slip of the tongue that he made in front of three people, including Emily and Carlisle.

‘That Carlyle guy…!’

Even while thinking like that, after the relationship with the other person grew distant, I felt so bad, and I also felt sad towards the other person who ignored me.

[Huh, why…?]

I remember crying in the gym warehouse. That was the first time I saw Carlyle panicking.

[I’m sorry, I.]

And first, I need to get an apology.

It’s not the other person who should be apologizing, it’s you who made the mistake.

So, Vita, who had been hesitating, put aside her petty pride and apologized for the first time.

[Sorry, me too…]

He said he made a slip of the tongue.

[I lost the election to you, and I was childishly jealous. But I didn’t mean it.]

It was Vita’s first apology to someone else. She was full of unnecessary competitive spirit and had very high self-esteem.

After that, Carlyle takes her home and she cooks.

[You can even consider it an honor!]

The risotto was on a whole other level than the tasteless porridge that Carlyle made, and it showed off its superiority.

I also remember doing something while watching anime together.

[Good job, ya…!]

Moments when the two worked together at the sports competition. After winning, Carlyle smiled as if he was a little taken aback because he liked it.

[Oh, Mom…?!]

I remember meeting my mother and both of us being extremely embarrassed.

[What kind of study is this-!]

I remember being embarrassed because I got caught up in my opponent’s trickery and studied in a strange way that was quite embarrassing, but I got a good score on the test.

I remember becoming a little self-aware around that time.

‘The Carlyle guy…’

It was only relatively recently that I thought it was dangerous because I was always swept away when I came to my senses, somehow making me a woman.

‘Yeah, that’s what happened…’

This is what happened in the end.

Vita is so dumbfounded that she lets out a little laugh.

And, math trip.

[I’ll take Carlyle…?]

After hearing those words from Emily, I almost lost my mind.

‘To me, why…?’

I was so out of it during the courage training that I ended up rolling down a slope.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was shocked to learn that Emily and Carlisle were partners.

It wasn’t Emily. It was Carlisle that Vita was interested in. I think she liked Carlisle from that time.

[It’s okay, now.]

I felt so messed up.

I was cold, hurt, and extremely tired.

The feeling of being in a mess, of being confused, surprisingly improved when one person, Carlyle Schultz, came to see me.

The guy who came to me even in the rain.

As soon as she was held in his arms, Vita felt better. Even if Carlyle hadn’t told her she was okay, she probably would have been okay.

In the dimly lit cabin. I remember the confession I heard.

[When I’m with you, something is always fun. My mind is at ease.]

[…I love you, Bianca.]

The incalculable emotions he felt at that time.

My face is so hot and it’s hard to breathe.

But the other person just holds him still.

Yeah, I wonder why.

I think I understand a little now.

The feeling of my heart suddenly pounding at that moment was perhaps because I had already had a premonition at the time.

A heart that cannot be achieved, a heart that should not be had.

‘… Yeah, that was it.’

It was with that thought that I finally got to have it.

After recalling all the memories, Vita’s expression became blank.

I can only think of the big ones, but there are still a lot.

Just a moment ago, I was chuckling as I recalled the memories.

He realized something anew. His expression became cloudy.

‘…Yeah, you.’

You were always by my side.

Although it was only for a short time, Carlyle Schultz was in all of Bianca Shamal’s memories.

Because the guy was next to me.

I always felt at ease, and sometimes even happy.

He’s a pretty shameless guy, but he also has a sweet side.

‘When I was a woman, I was always with you.’

Vita realizes.

Every day was new, and every day was good.

Because of Carlyle Schultz, tomorrow as ‘Bianca Shamal’ was always anticipated.

So Vita is too.

‘I, you…’

Looking back now, I liked you, Carlyle.

Now that I realize it.

I already fell in love with that shameless guy who was my rival.

Even though I knew it was strange, I ended up liking that Carlyle guy.

This is Vita’s true heart.

Truly your true self, one clear fact.

***

Yeah, just one.

One clear fact.

‘Yeah, I…’

Vita, herself.

I like Carlyle Schultz. That’s what happened.

Vita accidentally discovers a ring on her finger.

A ring given to me by Carlyle during a math trip.

Maybe it’s meaningless and not special.

‘I guess, but still… should I have given it back?’

Vita laughs and leaves. But even this isn’t free, after all.

‘If I had known we would break up like this anyway…’

Yeah, I’ll give it back.

At the same time, Vita Shamal.

I am aware of my own attitude of cherishing this.

‘Why am I…’

I already know the answer.

“… I like you, Carlyle.”

I, Carlyle, spit out with my mouth that I really like you.

Once I say it out loud, I feel confident and come back to myself.

Yeah, now.

I absolutely cannot deny it.

“Ha… Haha… ”

Vita ended up laughing in vain.

My heart is now uncontrollable. It is starting to overflow.

I’ll say it again for no reason.

“… I like you, Carlyle.”

Really, truly.

How did it come to this?

‘… I really don’t know.’

I was so scared that I tried to run away.

I like you so much, but you’re also strange.

‘But still… I think I like you.’

I like being kind. I like being considerate.

I like being always dependable and affectionate.

Both your speech and your actions change without you even realizing it.

It’s different in front of my junior, Lou, and in front of Carlyle.

Because Carlyle Schultz turned himself into a woman.

But that doesn’t mean it was uncomfortable.

‘… I feel very comfortable next to you.’

My heart feels at ease for no reason, and I feel happy when I’m with you.

I feel like I’m floating in a daze.

Vita always felt good when the other person was by his side.

Looking back, I don’t know when it started to become like this.

I like Carlyle Schultz.

Maybe it was just as the other person wanted, but in the end it turned out like this.

So Vita became even more scared at the same time.

What if the other person abandons you when they find out the whole truth?

I don’t want to imagine what it would feel like.

I’m originally a man. I’m not really a woman.

‘So, after all, this feeling is…’

I thought I had to give up, that was right.

I like that Carlyle guy, I really do, but I thought it had to be that way. It just made sense.

Yeah, but.

‘Me… why?’

Knock- knock-

The tears around my eyes begin to drip down my cheeks.

Without even knowing it.

‘I see, I… ‘

Vita realizes this anew.

‘I’ve been relying on you all this time.’

After transforming into a woman, she became Bianca Shamal.

I have always relied on Carlyle Schultz’s kindness.

I have continued to rely on that affection, disguised as shamelessness.

‘So I want you…’

I’ve come to like it.

Even though I knew in my head that this feeling was strange, I couldn’t help but like it.

You have become a part of my life.

You have become so precious to me that you have become too much for me.

It’s my first time having that kind of feeling.

Yeah, now.

Now Vita knows. She didn’t like Emily Swan. In a way, her first love was Carlyle Schultz.

As I noticed, that guy Carlyle meant a lot to me.

Even the short time we spent together was so precious.

But at the same time, she was a fake woman who kept deceiving others.

Because I don’t want to hurt Vita with those lies, and I don’t want her to get hurt either.

‘…I gave up.’

He had run away.

Yeah, now.

Vita Shamal realizes.

‘I didn’t want to go back to being a man.’

It’s funny, because of one person, Carlyle Schultz.

You didn’t want to go back. You had no plan.

The truth that I tried so hard to ignore turned out to be like that in the end.

Vita now realizes.

No matter how strange the world thinks, and even if you yourself recognize it.

There is another mind deep inside my heart.

I was so unsure that I ate all the pills.

How can I convince you and convince myself?

But he ended up doing that because he didn’t have the confidence.

Now, again.

I can’t go back.

This is what happened.

Now Vita has completely become a woman, even in every color of her heart.

Because of Carlyle Schultz, this is what happened.

Before she knew it, Vita’s face was covered in tears, but her hands were desperately searching for her phone.

-Bianca, I’m going to confess to Carlisle.

-I don’t know why I’m sending you this message either. But maybe you… don’t know.

Check your text again.

Emily is said to confess to Carlyle today. Vita doesn’t know exactly what she intends to say after that.

A kind and pretty girl, a charming girl even if she occasionally makes mistakes with her words.

Carlyle will also accept Emily like that.

Moreover, Carlyle was already disappointed in himself.

‘Maybe today the two of them…’

It might continue.

What about you then?

Bianca Shamal can no longer be by Carlyle’s side like she used to.

There is no place of one’s own.

Emily and Carlisle. Emily instead of Vita.

If you imagine what it would look like-

‘… I don’t like that.’

I don’t like that bitch.

Face your true self.

Because I like Carlyle Schultz. Because I like him. Only now is Vita facing her true feelings.

I tried to give up, but I couldn’t.

My heart is bigger than all the world’s knowledge.

To be exact, Carlyle, you have become that important.

It may already be too late. There is not even a solution.

Still, still.

I don’t want to be taken away by someone else. Right now, that’s the only thing on my mind.

When I finally came to my senses.

Wiping away tears with my hands, I hastily put on my clothes.

Vita was already running out of the room.

‘Please, me…!’

Don’t leave me.

I know it’s funny even saying this now.

Still, I don’t like it. I still can’t give up.

Sunday, four o’clock.

Vita started running.

***

Two golden eyes only take in the letter.

Carlyle Schultz ended up knowing the whole truth.

No, actually.

I can’t understand the exact contents of the letter, but what I can see right now is the most important thing.

I’m having trouble breathing. My hands are shaking a little.

[He may seem like a jerk, but he’s actually a very honest guy… Emily, you know that too. Carlyle Schultz is surprisingly honest. Oh, and. He’s also incredibly considerate, despite his appearance. He’s also very prepared for the future, and has his own convictions… And, also…]

[So, I… yeah, I. To sum up the conclusion now. In the end, I don’t think it’s strange that Nana and Emily fell for him. He’s a really cool guy.]

In the end, Bianca Shamal also liked him.

I know it’s quite absurd in this situation.

Carlyle Schultz was even delighted by this fact. It gave him goosebumps.

Still, it was Bianca Shamal’s letter, so he continued to take in the contents of the letter with his eyes.

I just can’t believe it.

It felt like I had finally caught something important that I almost missed.

It was so precious. It had deep meaning.

And the will began to burn in Carlyle’s golden eyes.

Take a quick look at the time.

Now, four o’clock.

In an hour, Bianca is scheduled to leave on the train.

‘It can’t be like that anymore.’

Absolutely not, I can’t let you go.

Now that I have confirmed your feelings, it is even more so.

Carlyle Schultz finally got up from his seat at the café. All this time he had been waiting for his time.

We will meet soon.

‘Me and you.’

If we meet again, I will never let you go.

Sunday, four o’clock.

Carlyle also started running.