episode_0067

Whoosh─

The winter wind is biting, as if cutting into the skin. Kim Sun-il blankly looked around. When he came to his senses, he was in a completely different place.

After that, something cold fell from the sky, so he examined it. Something white and in large clumps; heavy snowflakes were softly, softly piling up.

“….”

It was a bizarre thing.

He had been stepping on the accelerator just now, but when he came to his senses, everything was different. But what was even stranger was…

This place was quite familiar to Kim Sun-il.

‘…This place is.’

The entrance to the public bathhouse.

A distant past, the place where Kim Sun-il had been abandoned.

Could there have been an accident?

Or did he lose consciousness while driving? Either way, it went as Kim Sun-il wanted. He was already wanting to quit filming anyway.

But then, Kim Sun-il was greatly surprised.

Because a familiar face was seen at the entrance of the public bathhouse.

─Go take a bath. Mom will wait here.

─Mom?

─Mom already washed at home. Especially Sun-il, you never wash well after playing outside, right? I won’t go home unless you’re at least a little clean. You have to wash as clean as possible.

Young Sun-il and his younger sister, holding each other’s small hands, nodded. His mother gave her children earnest instructions, just as she remained in his memory.

It’s vivid.

Yes, that vividness was the problem.

“….”

Because in his mother’s face as she left as if running away, Kim Sun-il saw an expression he had never seen in the past.

A look of being tired of something, and at the same time, a frighteningly cold face. Something the children, only staring at her back, could not even imagine.

“Hey.”

Kim Sun-il called out to his mother.

“Hey!”

But his words didn’t reach her. He tried to grab her shoulder, but it only passed through like touching a mirage.

In the meantime, the children decided to take a bath.

─Oppa, I’m going to wash up.

─Are you going to take your doll with you?

─Uh-huh. I’ll be bored alone.

Kim Sun-il could only watch everything.

How much time passed after that?

The children, having finished their bath, appeared with their skin turned fair. They were holding hands tightly, and with the rare allowance their mom had given them, they each bought a soy milk.

─Ow, hot, ow…. Hotoo….

─You have to blow on it to eat it.

The children drank their soy milk without a second thought. They didn’t even dream that it was money their mother gave them to ease her guilt.

Whoosh─

Snow was still softly, softly piling up.

The children waited patiently until the warmth of the soy milk bottle completely disappeared. Because for a young child, nothing was as absolute as their mother’s words.

─Oppa, when is Mom coming?

─She’ll be here soon.

So the children didn’t doubt their mother.

Rather, they started to have fun, gathering the piling snow and stacking it. What toy could be more fun than snow for children?

The movements were so pure that Kim Sun-il’s chest tightened just watching them.

And their mother didn’t come.

Much later, really much later too.

─Oppa, Mom isn’t coming.

─I guess not.

─I’m cold….

─Let’s wash again. We’ve gotten dirty again too.

Even though he thought his heart had already become dull, Kim Sun-il felt like he was being poked with thorns. The past version of himself was younger and purer than he remembered.

“Don’t wait. That woman isn’t coming. Not ever.”

Kim Sun-il muttered softly.

The siblings washed several more times after that, and they didn’t even doubt their mother. They stopped playing with the snow. Thinking that their mother might get angry if she saw them.

Finally, when the bright sun disappeared.

Something somewhat unexpected happened.

─Oppa. Oppaaaa.

─Yeah.

─I lohst my doll. I gotta find my doll.

─Doll?

‘…What? Is my memory wrong?’

There was no such part left in his memory. He seemed to have just waited until the next morning.

But Kim Sun-il soon abandoned his doubts. This is a dream. Since it’s a dream, it wouldn’t be strange if anything happened.

At that time, the small version of himself shook his head.

─No way. What if Mom comes in the meantime?

─But…. The doll….

─Let’s just wait for now.

─No…. I gotta go now….

His younger sister whimpered.

─Mom bought it for me, she’ll be even more angry if she knows I lost it….

In the end, the young siblings went back into the bathhouse, and only appeared several hours later. Their mother still hadn’t come, but still, his sister found her teddy bear.

─I found it! I’m so glad!

─Haa….

Unlike his younger sister, who was smiling brightly, young Sun-il looked very anxious.

It was only natural. Even though they were both very young, Kim Sun-il was older than his sister anyway. He could figure out the situation faster. He couldn’t help but think more deeply.

The young version of himself was starting to feel uneasy about this situation.

Like that, after a long time. After another long time.

─Cooold….

─Yeah.

─Oppaaaa, I’m cooold….

Around the time the sun rose again, the siblings began to tremble with anxiety. It was cold, but the fact that their mother wasn’t appearing was even more frightening.

It was out of the question to return home on their own.

Their mother had dropped the siblings off in a faraway land. This was like being at the entrance to a bathhouse in an area they didn’t know at all.

From the start, they couldn’t even think about wandering around nearby.

That’s what belief is like. These small children had such a strong belief that their mother would return soon, that they were so caught up in that thought that they couldn’t even think about wandering around nearby.

Then, at some point.

─Oppa….

His younger sister parted her frozen lips.

─Mom…. Isn’t she not coming…?

─What are you talking about?

The young Sun-il’s voice quickly became irritable. The young Sun-il was more anxious than anyone else, after all.

─Why do you keep whining? Just wait.

─Buuut….

The weather was as harsh as could be, and snow was piled high on the siblings’ hats, but even that wasn’t a big problem. The siblings just waited for their mother to show her face.

─Oppa, Mom, Mom isn’t coming….

─She’ll come.

─No, Oppa, Oppa…. Mom isn’t coming….

In the end, his younger sister started to cry.

─Oppa, we have to find Mom….

─Just wait.

─Noooo…. We have to go find her….

His younger sister was young.

She believed that her oppa was capable of anything, so that’s what she said. But in fact, the young Sun-il realized how powerless he was.

─Let’s wait.

So that was the only answer he could give.

─Oppa, Oppaaa…. Let Oppa find her for me….

At some point, young Sun-il glared.

─Shut up! It’s all your fault in the first place!

─…!

Then his younger sister was startled.

Along with her body trembling. For his younger sister, her oppa’s anger would be an unspeakable shock.

At the same time, Kim Sun-il, who was watching this, recalled it.

‘I remember, this memory is….’

He remembered.

This wasn’t a dream; it actually happened.

He went crazy and got angry at his sister.

His heart was getting impatient and he was more anxious than anyone else, but his younger sister, who only believed in his powerless self and kept urging him, was so foolish that he got even more anxious because of it, so he took out his anger on his sister.

Why had he forgotten all this time?

Young Sun-il shouted loudly.

─Mom might have just left! She might have just left while we were looking for the doll! Because of that stupid doll!

─O, Oppa….

─Damned doll! What’s so great about that doll!

“Stop it.”

Kim Sun-il said. As if squeezing his heart.

But young Sun-il didn’t stop.

─It’s your fault! It’s because of you that Mom isn’t coming!

─….

─It’s because of you! You!

At the same time, Kim Sun-il realized.

Why his younger sister was experiencing the yips.

Just as the grown-up Kim Sun-il couldn’t forget the day he was abandoned, his younger sister also wouldn’t be able to forget the memories of her childhood.

Just as he had blamed himself for his uncleanness being the reason his mother left, his younger sister must have been feeling sorry towards Kim Sun-il all this time. Though there was really nothing to be sorry about.

‘….’

Kim Sun-il closed his mouth.

After that, the siblings didn’t have any conversation, as quiet as mice.

That night.

Until other adults found them collapsed.

“….”

Kim Sun-il’s mind went blank, but this unknown space never stopped showing something.

After that, the scenery changed, and the slightly grown-up version of himself was seen.

Around middle school age, perhaps.

Around this time, the version of himself was already quite successful.

He had already entered the path of an actor, and had successfully shown his face in several dramas, so he was already at the stage where he could buy his younger sister anything she wanted.

But Kim Sun-il felt a sense of unease looking at the young version of himself.

‘Was I, was I making an expression like that?’

It’s visible when looking from someone else’s perspective.

The middle school version of himself looked as if he would collapse at any moment, in a precarious state. He looked as if he was being chased by something, and he looked like he was carrying all kinds of misfortune on his shoulders.

There was a goal he had written himself and stuck to the mirror in the practice room.

1. Succeed and make lots of money. 2. Buy my younger sister what she wants. 3. Cleanliness.

An extremely sound goal.

But to the current Kim Sun-il, it only looked strange.

Was it because of the conversation he had with Sua the other day?

Was it because he knew the reason why his younger sister blamed herself?

The element of ‘happiness’ is on his mind now.

There is nothing about happiness in his goals. Even more so, that’s not what his younger sister wants.

It seemed like an infinitely lacking goal now.

After that, the scenery of the practice room for several days and nights flowed before his eyes.

And what Kim Sun-il saw was only the young version of himself whose expression was getting more and more distorted. He looked very unhappy.

‘Why?’

Kim Sun-il tried hard to find a reason of his own.

Why is he unhappy?

To be precise, why does he show a figure that is becoming increasingly unhappy even while various conditions are improving? Isn’t that something you can’t understand with common sense?

‘Because my younger sister is sick? Because I’m worried about that?’

But he soon realized that that hypothesis was wrong.

Because on the day his younger sister was temporarily discharged because she was thought to be completely recovered, he also showed a dark expression. He was only close to being relieved; there was never any sign of happiness.

Kim Sun-il kept trying to find the reason, and soon found it.

He could only know because he was seeing his past.

─….

The past version of himself is currently looking at SNS on his cell phone. Various photos are reflected in his eyes.

Someone is meeting someone and eating something delicious.

Someone is meeting someone and going to a nice place to hang out.

Someone gathered someone and had a fun time.

SNS is a place full of such posts. And the past version of himself, who was watching that, reacted briefly.

─Pathetic.

From that, Kim Sun-il obtained one piece of information. He regards happiness as an ‘obstacle’.

He finally realized what the problem was.

He didn’t know at all when he was living life as the person involved, but now, with the perspective of a third party, it’s clearly visible.

He didn’t even think about being happy in the first place.

To put it bluntly, Kim Sun-il thought that he was a human being who shouldn’t be happy.

For him, happiness was a waste of time.

The only weapon for children who lost their parents to avoid being ignored was social success other than that. And he thought that happiness was something that couldn’t coexist with success.

He thought that success was something that could only be obtained by struggling fiercely.

So there was even a sense of rejection towards happiness.

He regarded happiness as the same as his mother.

Wouldn’t happiness be able to betray him as much as it wanted? No matter how happily he tries to live, in the end, wouldn’t success and money be the only things that guarantee his life?

And at some point.

Swish, swish, swish─

The past version of himself seemed to have finished practicing acting. The young version of himself held a broom and started cleaning around him.

Then suddenly, the young version of himself stopped sweeping, then looked in the mirror and muttered. With an all-too-empty look in his eyes.

─Why did it turn out like this? Do I have to live like this for the rest of my life?

His voice was also annoyingly depressing.

─Why am I always so tired?

A question he used to brush aside, thinking that it was only natural to be tired if he worked hard. A question he brushed aside, thinking that being tired was evidence that he was living busily, so he should be proud of it.

But Kim Sun-il now knew the answer to that question.

Perhaps, the version of himself at that time was already sensing his own unhappiness. The tiredness that the young version of himself spoke of was closer to referring to a disease of the mind rather than physical fatigue.

He only knew that now.

“…You, no, I.”

So Kim Sun-il said.

“I don’t admit that I’m pitiful, that I’m pathetic.”

He tried to be neat, and he tried to be flawless.

He did so until he became a human being worthy of success.

But that had nothing to do with happiness. In fact, he was living without even knowing what kind of human being he was until then.

He thought he was solid, but in fact he was more fragile than anything else, and he thought he was clean, but in fact he was like a transparent state that couldn’t contain anything.

He was just a blank sheet of paper on which nothing had been written.

Swish, swish, swish─

Yes, just like the young version of himself who is starting to apply hand sanitizer now.

Swish, swish, swish─ Swish, swish, swish─

The young version of himself was cleaning his hands like crazy because he was bothered by the dust that had gotten on him while cleaning, as if he had some kind of disease.

Soon, that range widens to his arms.

His movements also became fierce. Like he was having some kind of seizure.

─I have to be clean, always, I have to be clean….

A clean freak.

In fact, it was closer to bleaching.

─I, I…. I can’t be dirty….

In order not to admit the fact that he was a kid who had been abandoned by his parents, he had to constantly bleach himself.

He didn’t know what happiness was and what unhappiness was.

So he erased everything that touched his body and mind.

Then at least nothing bad would be left. So he desperately erased everything. Always. So that he wouldn’t get hurt.

Kim Sun-il thought, looking at the young version of himself.

‘So, what should I do from now on?’

He roughly realized why he was unhappy.

But still.

He didn’t know how he could be happy.

Even though he had decided that he wanted to be happy, there was no way he could suddenly create that when he had been pushing happiness away until now. It was only natural.

But Kim Sun-il soon denied his own thoughts.

‘No, didn’t you know the reason why you’re unhappy? If you get rid of that unhappiness, wouldn’t you be happier than before just by doing that?’

Kim Sun-il’s thoughts soon reached somewhere else.

‘I just need to remember a few pieces of courage. The courage to accept that I’m a pathetic bastard. The courage to admit that I’m an abandoned brat. The courage to try painting anything on my body and mind.’

It was then.

─…!

The young version of himself’s eyes suddenly widened. He had found Kim Sun-il, who was watching him, and made eye contact.

Kim Sun-il also instinctively felt it. That from now on, he could intervene in this world.

─Wh, who are you…!

But Kim Sun-il didn’t answer.

Instead, he grabbed a handful of dust from the trash can and threw it at the guy who was applying hand sanitizer like crazy.

─U, Uaaaah! What! What are you doing!

The young version of himself had a morbid seizure.

It was only natural. A human being with mysophobia had forcibly covered himself with dust. How great would that unpleasantness be?

But Kim Sun-il took a deep breath.

‘Yeah, I think I know now.’

He felt like he knew now what he needed.

The next moment.

Kim Sun-il lifted the trash can high and shook it out over his head. Really, like he was crazy.

Thump─! Thump─! Thump─!

Tissues, empty bread wrappers, dust…. Every time he shook it, the trash contained inside crashed down on Kim Sun-il’s head.

Even so, he didn’t stop.

Thump─! Thump─! Thump─!

The young version of himself was very surprised.

─Why, why are you doing this? Are you crazy?

He doesn’t have the leeway to listen to that sound.

Currently, Kim Sun-il was busy gritting his teeth.

He himself also has mysophobia. His body was reacting morbidly to the sensation of the dust touching him. It was like torture with bugs crawling all over his body.

But.

He didn’t stop. No, he even gave it strength.

Thump─! Thump─! Thump─!

‘What I need is an attitude of trying to paint anything on.’

Rustle─!

All kinds of trash dirtied Kim Sun-il’s body. The appearance that had been painstakingly made clean was ruined in an instant.

The pain of thousands of bugs biting his skin, a sensation that made him feel like he was going to faint. But Kim Sun-il had no intention of stopping. Because he had made up his mind to change.

‘All my younger sister wanted was just this.’

The girl simply wanted Sun-il to be happy.

One thing was added to that fact now.

Now, he also wanted himself to be happy.

So, he won’t back down.

Thanks to all kinds of trash touching him, there was nothing for Kim Sun-il to get dirtier. But dust was sticking tightly as if not allowing even a small gap.

So, he left it like that. Kim Sun-il left all parts of himself covered in dust.

How much time had passed?

A long time later.

When the maddening pain finally passed.

─….

Before he knew it, Kim Sun-il was wearing the trash can on his head like a cone hat. With his dusty, more shabby appearance than ever, he faced the young version of himself.

The man who had been reluctant to put anything in his heart, so he chose to avoid and wipe everything away, was now determined to accept everything. He belatedly embraced emotions.

─….

A moment of silence.

But that silence wasn’t long.

Soon.

─Ha, haha…!

The young version of himself burst out laughing upon seeing his appearance.

─Hahaha! What is that! Hahahahahaha!

Kim Sun-il quietly watched the young version of himself laugh.

The young version of himself’s smiling face wasn’t too bad.

And after a while, he looked in the mirror.

The dusty version of himself wasn’t too bad either.

He knows that if he puts something on his pure white self, he will also get painful and dirty things on himself.

But at the same time, he realized that it was also greedy to only try to put good things on himself.

Happiness that will be clearly buried even among all kinds of unhappiness. Kim Sun-il thought that it would be enough if something like that could happen once in a while.

And that soon became what Kim Sun-il wanted.

The moment Kim Sun-il quietly closed and opened his eyes.

Swish, swish, swish─!

The world shook once again.

◈◈◈◈◈

“…!”

Kim Sun-il opened his eyes.

Whoooo─!

His foot was fiercely stepping on the accelerator, and the car was rushing through the tunnel breathlessly. He knew instinctively. It’s reality.

As a result of quickly looking around him, he realized that he had just passed a little over half of the tunnel.

Just what was that he saw just now? Did he see a passing scene like a panorama in a fleeting moment?

Right then.

The walkie-talkie rang.

『Lee Kang-cheol! Keep it in mind! You can’t catch that guy if it’s not now!』

Seo Yeon-ju, who was playing Ha Yoon-jin’s, shout.

‘Wait, if this line is coming out now….’

It’s the last part of the script.

In other words, from now on, he had to fill the scene with pure creativity alone.

He had reached the moment where he had to choose one of the two options written in the script and move forward. Even in the climax.

But.

“….”

It was truly a bizarre thing.

For the current Kim Sun-il.

That answer was so clearly visible.

Lee Kang-cheol has been cleanly building up his career until now. The moment he misses this criminal, a huge stain will be left on his career that he was so proud of.

But.

Lee Kang-cheol.

No, Kim Sun-il immediately grabbed the walkie-talkie.

『I will keep it in mind.』

There was no need to go through thinking.

『However.』

Because what he was going to say, what he was going to do, was decided.

『I’m going to Kim Yu-han.』

Happiness that will remain even among several stains.

That’s enough.

And wouldn’t friendship clearly belong to that happiness?

Squaaawk─!

Even harder, he stepped on the accelerator.

As if it had been waiting only for Kim Sun-il’s decision, the car began to increase its speed to the limit.

Whoooo─!

Kim Sun-il’s car rather overtook the criminal’s car. But he didn’t turn the steering wheel to block the criminal’s car.

Whoooo─!

He was just endlessly increasing his speed.

Whoooo─!

After turning into the left fork, he just ran like crazy.

Lee Kang-cheol didn’t hesitate even though there would be a stain on his career, and Kim Sun-il wasn’t afraid of acting out a script that didn’t exist.

Neither of them will ever regret it.

“…!”

The filming crew, who were watching the situation through the monitor, all stood up. It’s because they were greatly surprised.

The current Lee Kang-cheol, who had never shown any personal feelings throughout the play, was finally showing his greed for the first time.

He doesn’t move for the sake of the work he has to do.

For the sake of the work he wants to do.

Yes, now Kim Sun-il was clear on what he wanted to do.

Squaaawk─!

Kim Sun-il stepped on the accelerator even more.

Now he knows.

Happiness is not clean.

But that’s why it’s happiness.

Because only those with the courage to get dirty will be able to grasp happiness.

『Kim Yu-han. Respond if you can. Currently moving.』

Why, like ___ is running without any regrets now.