episode_0066

[Episode 066] Confusion

Before arriving at the monk, I had already visited Sari.

Because of his enormous size, it wasn’t too difficult to find him.

I hoped that by shouting loudly for the now enlarged Sari to hear me and regain his senses, he would return to normal, but

I was only hurt by his failure to recognize me.

Sari refused all communication with the outside world, guarded against everything approaching with red eyes, and howled,

Feeling that I shouldn’t provoke Sari any further, I went to find the monk with a feeling of grasping at straws.

“… Haha, you seem troubled, Shiju.”

“Yes… Monk… I’m sorry… for taking Sari… I thought I could prevent this from happening… It’s all my fault….”

The monk nodded in response to my words and then spoke.

“It’s not your fault, Shiju… Perhaps everything might be my fault…”

“What do you mean, Monk! Did you create Sari? If so-”

“No, that’s not it.”

Interrupting me, the monk closed his eyes as if contemplating and continued,

“Before this country was established, in the old days before people immigrated here, monks like us were always persecuted.”

“… ”

“I don’t deny it. Monks have always been greedy, changing and interpreting the Buddha’s teachings as they pleased, causing chaos in the country. However….”

The monk seemed to control his emotions for a moment, swallowing once.

“The feelings we had at that time… may have been unjust… Even so… could it be that even the Buddha’s enlightenment and teachings were not wrong… in a changed world, in this world we fled to escape… if this truth is not to be vilified.”

“… ”

“When the child woke up after this wandering monk’s sigh reached him on the day he created an image of the child from leftover rice paste…”

A face that seemed familiar.

It was a sight I had never seen before. I had only seen him smiling kindly…

“So… does it mean that Sari is angry because your resentment is contained within him?”

“… That’s one way to think about it. Do you remember the day the wandering monk collapsed, Shiju?”

“… Yes.”

“The first thing the awakened child did was just to resent. …Yes. They said that the child looked very much like this wandering monk. Just filling the empty heart with food.. more and more.. growing larger…”

“… ”

“We tried everything to stop him from going down to the village, but the child with only nails became fingers, and the child with only fingers became palms… I felt the pressure increasing…. Fortunately, thinking ‘this is my delusion, my confusion,’ I recited the mantra until you came, Shiju….”

Now I fully understood what happened that day. He must have recited the mantra endlessly to prevent Sari, not eating or sleeping.

“So that’s why you collapsed like that….”

“Yes… So now, isn’t Sari rampaging again because my planted resentment has resurfaced?”

“But still, Monk..!”

As I tried to comfort the monk, he suddenly stood up from his seat.

“Please leave. Shiju. It’s time for the one who started the story to finish it.”

“What?”

Unable to understand his words, I just stared at the standing monk, who then spoke.

“It’s only natural for the one who started the story to conclude it. It will flow according to fate.”

“Are you saying… you’re going to kill Sari?”

At the unsettling word “conclude,” I found myself inadvertently questioning the monk.

The monk fell silent for a moment before speaking in a solemn tone,

“Perhaps that child will not return as a disciple until the story is completed by the master. Because it is a story born from the hands of this novice… So, disciple, no matter what actions the master takes from now on, can you believe and follow them?”

“…Yes? I naturally believe in the monk, but still, the disciple…”

“I swear, even if you feel sad and miserable, just once, only once, believe in me.”

I met the monk’s unwavering gaze.

Feeling sad and miserable… What are you trying to do…

I have always believed in and followed the monk… But if that choice harms the disciple…

I absolutely did not want that.

The monk’s kind and clear eyes simply watched over me without a single blink…

It seemed to reveal a strong belief within.

And it seemed like he was making a promise to me.

He said he would never do anything harmful to us, so please believe him.

In that moment… unknowingly, I found myself nodding.

“Alright, I understand. I will believe in the monk.”

Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud!

With a thumping sound, the monk led the way down to the village.

I followed behind, trotting after the monk.

…

…

…

“Monk! What was that about earlier!”

Contrary to the mindset I had sworn to just moments ago, anger mixed into my voice without my realizing it.

The monk and I arrived at an office building in the village.

There, the monk met with the official and asked for a large hole to be dug, filled with oil, and all the confiscated iron pots to be placed inside.

Although the official already found my presence irritating, he reluctantly arranged for workers to dig the hole upon the monk’s request to deal with the disciple.

Why…?

It made no sense. Didn’t he ask me to trust him? Why is he behaving like this?

No matter how much I thought about it, it seemed like he was intent on killing the disciple.

Even with my raised voice, the monk continued to climb the mountain in silence.

“Monk! Please say something! You know, the disciple isn’t such a dangerous person! They’re just a little hurt right now!”

The monk seemed to ignore my words, simply hunching towards the disciple…

I wish he would say something.

I’ve always respected the monk. I’ve always believed and followed him. I firmly believed that our hearts were connected…

As the disciple drew closer, I began to feel anxious, thinking that the monk might actually be planning to kill the disciple.

“Monk!”

Only when I called out loudly did the monk finally look at me.

“….”

His turned face looked incredibly sorrowful.

The rage that had surged through me seemed to subside a bit.

“Disciple….”

“Yes.”

Finally, the monk spoke.

“This is my story. Unchangeable, unstoppable…”

“What are you talking about?”

“I cannot say.”

“….”

“I have two children in this novice. One is a pitiful child who wandered the mountains naked. The other is a child born from my breath, created by my own hands… It is too much for a monk who should renounce karma and attain liberation to carry, but this novice has been living with that thought.”

“Monk!”

“Disciple, the secular world is a series of suffering. Hunger, war, death… This old fool is filled with pains that can be understood, yet are unwanted… I became a monk because I wanted to escape such suffering.”

Why are you suddenly saying these things, Monk?

“Even as a monk… it is painful… My mind is filled with doubts.”

Tears flowed from the monk’s eyes.

“This child… and Shiju… now knowing that they will soon have to hurt each other…”

Feeling the sadness in those words, I sensed what the monk would do and angrily confronted him.

“Really, were you really trying to kill Sari? Why on earth-”

The tears in the monk’s eyes eventually stopped, and he looked at me with a stern face.

“Understand Shiju’s heart. The anger in your eyes and that warm heart always wishing for happiness… Right now, all I can say is to trust. Trust this nun and trust yourself. Stop fabricating stories-”

“How can I trust! What should I believe! When the monk is so determined to kill Sari like this! If I had known, I wouldn’t have come looking for you!”

Now tears streamed down my face.

The monk approached, shook his head in denial, wiped away my tears, and spoke.

“You have come well. And… how could a monk who has received the teachings of Buddha recklessly take a life.”

The monk recites a mantra.

“Om mani padme hum hrih hana hrih hanahum hum hana… banaya hum anaya hoka bayabam bayira hum batag….”

“Muuhhh!”

Sari wakes up roaring loudly.

Responding to the monk’s mantra, the massive figure rises slowly and approaches.

Thud.. Thud..

The ground trembles with each step, and my heart seems to pound along.

The monk asked to be trusted.

And instructed the followers to fill the pit with oil and iron balls.

The monk declared he would not take a life.

The monk was now leading Sari towards the village.

In a state of confusion about what form of belief to follow, I simply listened to the monk’s mantra and descended to the village with Sari.