episode_0057

tuesday. Didn’t do anything. Hayoon canceled classes and was not planning on attending this semester or next semester.

If I were to count the days, I got an all-F in the first semester and applied for a leave of absence from the second semester, so the total period of time I could take a break was a year and a half.

However, if I take a year and a half off, the semesters will become ambiguous, so I looked outward, thinking that I could just take a year off and return to school early next year.

Rain, which wasn’t even in the weather forecast, was pouring down.

They said the precipitation was 30 percent, but I guess I can’t believe it, and Hayun sighed.

And at the same time, I remembered what happened in the morning.

Hayun, who remembered Hansol leaving without an umbrella after reassuring her that she didn’t have to worry and that there was nothing to think about, fell silent for a moment, then turned her head and looked at the clock in the living room.

A clock ticking past the second hand caught my eye.

The house was so quiet that if Hayoon concentrated, she could hear the sound of the clock ticking.

Hayun moved her gaze out the window and looked at the curtain of the sky that darkened the room, and lowered her head again.

As I pulled back the curtains that were leaning against the window, the already dark living room was soon filled with even deeper darkness. Hayun couldn’t quite figure out why she was doing that.

Still, for some reason, I felt reassured in the dark space.

It seemed like he was hiding as if no one could see him.

It seemed as if only the people who came to this house could know what was inside.

For some reason, this stuffy space felt cozy. Knowing that it gets more stuffy when you go outside, it may be that you prefer a less stuffy home.

It goes without saying that it is more comfortable to stay at home where you can reveal yourself than to go out wearing a mask.

I didn’t say it, but other people would say the same, but relationships were always tiring. The outcome of whether you collapse from exhaustion or escape from it will vary from person to person.

No one led Hayun outside. That’s because Hayun rejected the helping hand, closed her eyes, and covered her ears.

But even in the midst of all this, Hayoon cannot give up.

One and only family.

Although her parents were not dead, she was only related by blood to her parents, who had been away from home since middle school, and could not be considered a ‘true family’ to Hayoon.

So, for Hayun, ‘true family’ was Hansol.

Brother.

My one and only younger brother.

It was a different relationship from my other friends’ younger siblings. It was not a pure brother-sister relationship. Still, Hayun couldn’t let go.

After facing the fact that it was filling her, it actually became what Hayoon longed for.

That’s right, I heard that there was someone who wanted me, and that they wanted me in a space where no one seemed to allow me, and I had the feeling that if I pushed that away, there would be nothing left for me.

The longer I was alone, the more time I had to think.

It was also an early symptom of people suffering from depression. You get lost in too many thoughts about yourself, and before you know it, the gun of those thoughts is pointed at you and your hand is on the trigger.

By the time I faced the pressure of thinking that everything might be my fault, acknowledged it, and hung my head down, it was already too late.

“… … Ah.”

Hayun’s voice tore through the quiet space.

It was a meaningless word, but on the contrary, it contained a lot of emotions.

He made a painful expression. Hayoon, who was wandering around the living room, caught her own reflection in the mirror she had placed in the living room.

The wrinkles that formed when the eyebrows were narrowed seemed to contain a lot of agony.

Hayun looked at that expression for a while and then her face relaxed.

Hayun, who became expressionless again, threw herself down on the empty sofa.

Was being home alone this lonely?

Was it really this lonely waiting alone for Hansol to come?

Hayoon thought for a while and looked at the clock again.

11 o’clock. There is still a long way for Hansol to return. It’s going to rain, so Hansol would be happy if you brought him an umbrella by the time he gets back. With that thought in mind, I picked up the remote control on the sofa and pressed it.

Then the quiet space was filled with noisy sounds.

[The sudden heavy rain is due to the atmospheric pressure rising from Japan… ]

A news story came out about the sudden rain, and Hayun, who had nothing else to do, just stared at the screen.

But I just thought it was something and had no intention of listening in detail.

After a while, Hayun left the TV on and got up from the sofa to look for her smartphone.

The messenger, which would normally have been noisy, became quiet.

And the fact that the group messenger was quiet gave Hayun even more negative stimulation.

Could it be that they made a separate one without me and are talking behind my back?

I couldn’t rule out that thought. But what could I do? Even if it was true, Hayun had no way of knowing it, and there was no way to find out.

Hayun just bit her nails while thinking anxious thoughts.

Crack.

It was a habit I didn’t have before, but it was a natural behavior that came out of my anxiety because I was pushing myself too hard.

Crack.

Hayun, who had been looking at her nails until the white part of her nails, which she had grown to make them look even a little prettier, became a mess, came to her senses and looked at her nails.

“Look at my mind.”

When I saw my nails that had become a mess, I muttered to myself and took a nail clipper and started to trim off the messy areas.

After finishing that, I spread my hands wide.

Hayun felt awkward seeing the short nails of her thumb alone, so she ended up cutting the nails of all her other fingers short as well. Rather than thinking that it was a waste, Hayoon grinned, thinking that it was refreshing.

Because I can stay at home without having to decorate it.

I grinned at that thought and started cleaning up after myself.

If you do this, you won’t be biting your nails anymore. Hayoon thought about that and cleaned up all the nails she had cut off.

I didn’t have time.

If I went to school frantically, listened to lectures, took notes, and worked hard to remember, it would only take two to three hours, but if I came home and did my homework, created a PPT, or organized the materials I had collected, it would take another two to three hours.

I was so bored waiting for Hansol to come home without any purpose.

No matter how popular the entertainment program was, there was nothing fun about it for Hayoon.

Although it was just a means to relieve boredom right away, it could not erase the original loneliness.

It was a natural story, but it was not easy for a loner to accept it.

How convenient would it be to be able to go out and have a drink with friends? I also thought about this.

ha. Hayun sat down on the sofa with a sigh and hugged the cushion that was rolling on the sofa.

Hayun, curled up, just kept her eyes fixed on the TV that was playing without any interest.

“… … .”

I’m bored. lonely. Not funny. There’s nothing to do. There’s nothing you can do. I’m alone. I feel lonely.

I realized that it’s true that watching TV makes you lose your mind. His eyes and ears were focused on the TV, but his thoughts were solely focused on his own emotions.

Loneliness and helplessness seeped coldly.

What happens if you study well? What can you do if you have good hair? I haven’t become a good person, and I’m ruining all my relationships because of my stupid choices, so what’s the point of being good at studying?

When I thought about it that way, I remembered the kids who were bullied in elementary school, middle school, and high school, but were top academics, and it felt amazing.

No matter what grade or school, bullying existed. No matter how pretty she was, she was bound to get kicked out of the group at some point, and no matter how good she was at studying, there were times when she got jealous and couldn’t join the group.

That was the case with the women’s group. No matter how pretty you were or how good you were at studying, you couldn’t always join a group. no reason.

If you are a young girl with nothing special to do, you will immediately turn away, and no matter how good you are, even if you become an object of jealousy, you will turn away.

Then what is the way to avoid being kicked out of the group?

The easiest and most difficult way is to have a say. All you had to do was have a strong impression, be energetic, or have a strong presence among your seniors.

If this is difficult, it’s simple and doesn’t stand out.

Even if you are good at studying, you can just pretend that it is nothing and subtly move on. Of course, this was also difficult. If you go out too humbly, you will be criticized for being unlucky, and if you go out too confidently, you will be criticized for being unlucky.

If you were pretty, you didn’t have to wear makeup. Even though I knew I was pretty, if I put on heavy makeup to put down the other kids, they would quickly form a group with me and end up being left out.

I thought I had developed my own sense of awareness so as not to be so alienated, and I thought I was able to look around my surroundings in my own way, but when I got to college, I felt like I had walked into a hole on my own and was miserable.

If I had known this would happen, I would have quit all ties in high school and learned how to get used to being bullied. When I thought about this, tears came out.

“Wook, wow.”

Those tears suddenly invaded Hayun’s heart and agitated her emotions.

“Ugh, ugh.”

A tear-soaked moan came out. I was so lonely and lonely that only the noise of the TV was trying to cover up my crying.

But it seemed to make her feel more lonely.

Hayun was lonely and cried alone.

If there had been someone by my side, would they have patted me on the back?

That thought didn’t last long.

Hayun was already tired of the relationship, so now she goes back to the past and thinks about it.

Should I have told Hansol about this problem from the beginning? If I had told her in advance that I felt strangely sensitive, this wouldn’t have happened.

However, on the other hand, I felt refreshed that I could now let go of the times when I used to fight with my friends, be on edge, and try not to fall out since I was young.

Complex emotions overtook Hayun.

I feel relieved, but maybe I let go too much. I had a thought.

When I thought about that, I felt nauseous.

Hayun, who swallowed a groan and cried, lay down on the cold sofa and shed tears.

**

Hayun, who spent time watching TV at home without eating, now looks at her smartphone less often.

If I looked at it anyway, I was just afraid. However, I didn’t have the courage to leave the group where no messages were posted.

I was afraid that if a notification popped up saying that I had left for no reason when my story was not being shared, the topic would spread to my story.

I couldn’t do anything.

Feeling so helpless, I looked at the clock and saw that Hansol’s lecture ended at 3:30 or 4:00. Hayun murmured, then got up and pulled back the curtain.

Hayun glanced at the rain that was still falling, took out her smartphone that she had never seen before and sent a text message to Hansol.

-I’ll take an umbrella.

After sending it via ToTalk, I received a reply shortly after.

You’re probably in lecture, but are you looking at your phone while you’re at it? I need to think about this more seriously. There was Hayoon, who sneered and said.

However, after receiving the reply, Hayun erased that expression and immediately smiled bitterly.

-Oh really?

-Thank you, I’ll wait.

Hayun read the contents of the message twice and went into the room to prepare to leave.

I’m going to pick up Hansol anyway, so I’ll just wear something casual. and put on sweats.

But before you know it, Hayun finds herself thinking deeply.

To others, it would look like a shabby-dressed woman standing next to Hansol. Wouldn’t Hansol be in a bad mood? Called.

After thinking for a while, Hayun took off her clothes again.

Then I finished washing my face and changed my clothes neatly. Hayun, who likes simple things, picked up a white short-sleeved T-shirt with a short top and a fluttering black skirt.

Hayun checked her skirt by bouncing her pelvis in front of the mirror, nodded and even finished applying light makeup.

At this level, even strangers or Hansol’s friends would not be put off by it.

If someone didn’t know that she was Hansol’s older sister, she would be able to stretch Hansol’s shoulders even more.

Hayun, who was satisfied with her appearance, wrapped herself in a beige cardigan that covered her skirt to withstand the rain and chilly weather.

After nodding, Hayun took a large umbrella for Hansol and a small umbrella for herself and headed outside.

I also didn’t forget to wear pretty shoes.

widely. The door closed and the sound of the door locking was heard, and there was silence again in the house.