episode_0056

There was a night when I couldn’t sleep properly.

There were times when I felt inferior to others.

Moments of shame visited me repeatedly.

A young age where my frail body couldn’t even swing an axe properly.

Feelings of inferiority and worries about the future suffocated my heart.

Not receiving recognition from my father and ancestors, fearing being a disgrace to the family if I failed to uphold it.

Looking back now, it seems like it was all okay.

My mother once told me that the sky on the day I was born was vast and clear.

Although she never showed it outwardly, did she not hope for the best for her child and the sky alternately? Hoping that her son would turn out just fine.

I know too. That my mother doesn’t criticize or scold me unnecessarily.

Yet, accepting my own inferiority was difficult. What if I become her shameful and painful burden in the future? That was the only fear I felt in my young days.

The girl with crimson hair would often hold the trembling child in her arms when he couldn’t sleep due to anxiety.

And she would stay up with him until the moon disappeared from the sky.

She, who seemed to have come from somewhere unknown, was like an angel who had lost her wings. If you looked at her noble figure, despite my mother’s clear presence, it was almost doubtful if she was truly human.

Anyway, being born as a descendant of savages meant constantly facing trials and overcoming them. And if I couldn’t prove myself as a “man,” I wouldn’t earn the respect of the rough Huscarls.

So, I had to keep chopping without rest. Come hail or storm, I stood there swinging the axe over and over again.

The noble residents didn’t want to serve a weakling as their lord. It was unthinkable for a Bayorun’s cattle herder not to live up to expectations, and I sometimes screamed under the weight of such responsibility.

As a boy, I was quite fragile. I often felt like I would suffocate under the recurring anxieties.

The girl with crimson hair comforted me, holding me close in her arms.

– Mother has also experienced such difficult times.

– Even if it’s hard, do your best. Effort doesn’t always yield results, but it will surely help you grow.

– Everyone needs tough times. But if it’s too much, it’s okay to give up.

She said with a gentle smile.

– Your mother will always be by your side when you’re struggling.

If born as a man, everyone will face harsh and difficult times.

And during those times, if someone truly becomes a pillar of support, inevitably, love is the only response.

I understand that.

However, harboring feelings of longing towards one’s biological mother crosses a line.

Distorting the natural order just out of love is also unacceptable.

But…

– Mother loves Kael more than anyone in this world.

Every time I faced her smile, every time I heard her confession, I couldn’t control the rising desire.

In simple terms, I thirsted for more. I wanted to become not just her ‘son,’ but her most precious ‘lover.’

No matter how you look at it, it seemed like there were far more things I could do with her as a man than as her son.

As my thoughts delved deeper into that realm, I wanted to get closer, to have a tighter bond. Such desires had to be suppressed multiple times due to the constraints of blood ties with her.

It’s selfishness.

It’s despicable.

It’s sinful.

I won’t deny the sin of forcibly turning my mother into a ‘woman.’

Nor will I deny that I am a beast.

The only excuse a foolish man can offer is that he acted out of sheer love.

This is not to justify or rationalize anything. It’s simply to explain why I did what I did.

Being of the barbaric Byoren lineage, seeing her shed tears did stir some guilt within me, being her son also brought about pain.

It wasn’t impossible to treat her kindly. I knew that, but I didn’t want to.

Committing the sin of incest, whether done gently or roughly, is a damn filthy act. Pretending to be a romantic, pretending to be something you’re not, is nothing but a bastard trying to imitate a human.

That’s why, from the very beginning, as I confessed to my mother, I showed her the real me. Whether it’s repulsive or not, it’s showing one’s true beastly nature.

To become true lovers, honesty, whether right or wrong, in showing each other everything without hiding, isn’t that what’s important?

Yes, for the sake of a “true relationship.”

It must be hard for Mother; there may be moments during this process when she wants to scream.

But no sky is always white and blue.

Just as flowers bloom after the rain, just as darkness gives way to light in the sky.

Even this will be resolved by time and affection. If Mother could become a beast like me. No, even if she accepted me even a little, happiness wouldn’t be so hard to achieve.

However, if Mother can’t endure despair and falls apart.

I must acknowledge that it was my selfishness that led to this. That too is naturally my responsibility.

Now, stopping this is impossible.

Trying to go back to the way things were before this crossed line, whether done gently or roughly, would just be a simple play. I have lost her as my mother.

Therefore, whether the destination is destruction or calamity, I have no choice but to move forward.

The hardships that come with it, I must endure them all to be her husband. As a man, as a male, as a beast who committed the sin of incest, it’s a trial I must endure solely for my mate.

For some, connecting with a beloved lover might not be such a difficult process.

But for me, the steps to fulfill that hope seem a bit more challenging than for others. It’s a bit sad.

Yet, as difficult as it was to obtain, wouldn’t it be a special kind of love? After all, it was a result I chose from the start and had to overcome.

One must bear the consequences of their actions.

Because that’s what a Byoren man does.

Even long after realizing my feelings for Mother, I was still afraid.

The sharp gazes of the Emperor and nobles.

The dignity of the Lord, the Duke of the North.

Those who might be disappointed in me.

Byoren’s master father.

And finally, even Mother’s tears because of me.

All these things were too frightening for me to face.

To give up on Mother, and to avoid becoming a monster who would rebel against Father and the Duke of the North, I set out on a journey. For the first time, leaving Mother’s embrace for independence, hoping to change myself.

I spent time amidst countless Maekju corpses. Such trials shaped me into a warrior.

Even when capturing the Maekju stronghold, never once did I weaken my arm swinging the axe, remembering someone in my mind. The same held true even in the debauchery of the brothel with women.

As time passed, facing the blood-soaked land of the Nether Hell, finally slaying the Four Kings and facing the brilliant sunlight.

Only at the end of the journey did I come to realize.

The foolish savage cannot live without a woman named Mandarin with crimson hair.

A caterpillar eats leaves and becomes a butterfly, a tree grows basking in sunlight. Bees seek blooming flowers. This remains true, regardless of natural disasters or the passage of time.

To me, a mother is…

…no.

To me, Mandarin was such a presence.

For the enlightened savage, there was no other choice.

The towering mountains I once feared now seemed small and insignificant.

What was most crucial to surpassing this was understanding what truly mattered in my life. Powerlessness was merely a secondary element to achieving this.

Always, continuously, and even now.

I have loved only one woman.

Remaining as her son is not the life I desired.

– Kwak.

Cold sweat streamed incessantly from the hand holding the tangerine tree flowers. Compared to the swords I usually wielded, this small bouquet felt strangely heavy.

Confessing to her with flowers after the improvement ceremony. The fact that it was rejected left an unexpected wound in me. Even though I knew rejection was likely, it still stung.

But perhaps this time will be different? Recently, there have been moments when my mother herself initiated intimacy.

With some hope, I made my way to the tangerine orchard. No matter how difficult, she always tended to the tangerines at this time. Is the tangy sweetness beneath the lady’s skirt due to this? I should confirm this soon.

The situation, the words—it all seemed quite inappropriate when I first offered the flowers. I must be more careful in my actions this time. Starting aggressively and ending gently seemed effective, so today, I shall approach her kindly.

Even if my heart is rejected this time, there is no need to be disheartened. Originally, in a relationship, the one who loves more should endure. If rejection occurs again today, I will continue to confess my feelings until she accepts. Tomorrow, the day after. Forever.

If the queen of the tangerine orchard accepts my heart, I truly want to shout out.

Even if I were to be reborn countless times, I would only love you.

‘……’

…However, it’s truly strange.

Why can’t I see Mother anywhere?