episode_0056

“What’s your name?”

“…Ah.”

That memory just now was… ‘Whose memory is it?’

It felt like I had returned from a long journey. A strange sensation, as if I had truly and vividly experienced things in a dream that felt like reality.

At first, I thought it was simply a dream, but as time passed, I naturally realized it wasn’t. This wasn’t a dream; it was a memory (recollection) someone had cherished. Upon realizing that fact, my thoughts, at some point, led to a question.

‘Who… am I?’

Was that memory just now truly mine? …I don’t know. However, I felt sure of one thing: the moment I saw this man before me, that someone’s memory involuntarily came to mind.

“……”

The man, wearing a thick golden helmet, was silently looking at me. But for some reason, even though his face was undoubtedly hidden by the thick helmet and no expression was visible. I could feel that the man was looking at me with an emotion named desperation. Even without any visible expression, that emotion felt so vivid and was visible to my eyes.

…Thump. …Thump.

Faint heartbeats. The sound of blood flowing through the body. And even the scent of this man’s hormones emanating from his body.

My nose and eyes, regardless of my will, were providing me with detailed information about this man. And…

“……”

A burnt smell, as if something had caught fire. And the smell of rotting corpses.

“……”

Finally, there was also something black inside his body. Void, or nothingness. As that black something, as if materializing those very words, was firmly lodged within the man’s soul.

“Gasp…”

Involuntarily, my body trembled, and I hastily averted my gaze from the man. The man remained completely still upon seeing that, but the scent I perceived while deeply bowing my head in fear carried a deep bitterness. Though he appeared outwardly unaffected, he had been hurt by my reaction just now.

‘…Hurt?’

It was an unfitting word. At least to me, the man didn’t seem human. The basic emotions a human should possess. Among them, the emotion named ‘anger’ felt unusually faint, so I had thought he was someone who couldn’t feel emotions well in the first place. But sadness and bitterness felt intensely strong, just like in an ordinary person.

Only then did I realize. The man before me, outwardly… no, even inwardly, seemed like a terrible, emotionless monster. But he only *looked* like a monster; his inner self was no different from an ordinary person. In fact, his inner appearance, riddled with wounds and utterly exhausted, seemed exceptionally precarious even when compared to others.

“Do you not remember what your name is?”

The man asked me again. What my name was.

‘…My name.’

Until just moments ago, I had never once wondered what my name was, or what my name could be. But receiving this question from the man again, this time, it wasn’t someone else’s memory, but a name that began to surface.

‘Helena….’

“Camellia.”

Helena Camellia.

“That’s my… name.”

“Helena Camellia…”

The man murmured the name. Just like the man in someone’s memory, who had whispered his own name, Agapé, to himself.

“It’s a beautiful name.”

“……”

Honestly, I wasn’t sure if it was a beautiful name. But upon sensing the man’s scent again, and hearing the tremor in his voice and the pounding of his heart. I knew that his words were utterly pure and truthful.

…And strangely, from the man’s words about it being a beautiful name, a subtle sense of nostalgia also emerged.

“My name is…”

Just as he was about to say his name, the man stopped speaking and fell into deep thought.

“…It’s Joshua.”

“Joshu…a?”

It was a quite unique name. Salvation. The meaning of his name was, none other than, Salvation. It felt awkward for him to have such a name while harboring a disturbing and dark void in his chest, more so than anything I’d ever seen.

‘Come to think of it…’

The female knight in black armor who had been standing behind Joshua since earlier. Why was she looking utterly dumbfounded while watching me and Joshua? She seemed taciturn and unlikely to show much emotion outwardly, yet she was showing immense agitation, alternating her gaze between us. As if it was incredibly surprising for this man before her to act this way.

‘Then, he wasn’t originally like this?’

At least to me, he seemed like a kind and warm person. Perhaps his unique taciturn demeanor played a role. …Just like that man in the memory.

At that moment, the man asked me again.

“Do you not remember anything?”

“Me…mory?”

For a moment, I didn’t understand Joshua’s words, but then the memory that had awakened in my mind the moment I saw this man flashed through me again.

‘That’s right.’

A memory that felt like mine, yet wasn’t mine. That memory, belonging to no one, had flared up like fire touching oil the moment I saw the man.

“When you asked for my name, my name and memories related to it came to mind… yes.”

As I spoke in a slow voice, the man’s emotions briefly and subtly brightened, but then immediately turned cold. Briefly feeling a sense of wonder that the man’s emotions were directly visible and palpable to my eyes, the man turned his head and looked at the female knight behind him.

“What do you think?”

When the female knight responded that she didn’t know either, the man’s gaze returned to me. Then.

Rumble.

“…Ah.”

Suddenly, my stomach rumbled. ‘Come to think of it, it’s about mealtime now.’

The hour and minute hands of the grandfather clock on one side of the bedroom indicated mealtime. And as if on cue, the door opened with a small knock.

“Were you waiting…?”

The body of the nurse, who had brought the meal, stiffened. Her gaze was fixed on the man before her, as if she had seen something extremely terrifying.

Pound! Pound! Pound! Pound! Pound!

Her rapidly increasing heartbeats echoed in my ears, and the woman, with a trembling voice, bowed her head and apologized to him.

“I-I’m sorry, Arbiter-nim! It’s just, it’s mealtime so…”

“That’s enough.”

“Yes…?”

“Just leave the food.”

At his words, the nurse quickly placed the food on the nightstand next to the bed and swiftly left the room. Seeing that, the female knight gritted her teeth, as if angered by the nurse’s rudeness, and gazed beyond the door.

“Such rude—”

“It’s fine. It’s not the first time.”

Reacting as if accustomed to such things, Joshua looked at the tray.

“Do you usually eat alone?”

“…Originally, I eat alone.”

“I see.”

He began to look at my hands. For a moment, I didn’t understand why he was looking down at my hands, so I lowered my gaze to see them trembling violently.

“Ah…”

Why? At first, I was scared, but now I’m not afraid of this man. Why am I trembling when I look at him?

‘…Ah.’

Soon, I understood the reason. My rationality no longer feared this man, but my sharp succubus instinct was still sensing danger from him. Though I didn’t think so, my body, however, was honestly afraid of this man.

Realizing that, I quickly gripped my hands to stop the trembling, but it didn’t stop easily.

“Um, that is…”

“I apologize.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll leave right away.”

The man stood up.

“Wait!”

I hastily grabbed his cloak.

“Th-that is… you don’t have to… leave…”

“……”

At my words, the man sat back down.

“……”

Clench.

What on earth did I want? If my hands trembled like this, I couldn’t properly eat, and to eat, it would have been right to let the man leave the room. Why on earth did I stop the man from leaving and then make him sit back down in front of me?

In any case.

Clink-

Somehow trying to control my trembling hands, I picked up the cutlery. But.

Trembling.

My hands still trembled violently, and it felt like I’d spill all the stew in the spoon, so I put it back down on the plate. Just as I was looking troubled about what to do, the man gently took the plate.

“……”

Clink-

The man tried to grasp the spoon with his hand. But being so large and his armor also being very thick, the small spoon, which fit perfectly in my hand, could not be easily held by his hand.

“Um, it’s fine, you don’t have to go that far—”

Before I could even finish speaking, the man’s appearance slowly began to change.

…… ……

A slightly ordinary, but somewhat handsome appearance. Wearing light cloth clothes, with marble-like white eyes. And finally, white hair whose tips were dyed black, as if dipped in ink. Looking at his hair, the man quietly touched it with his fingertips and murmured.

“…So this is what happened due to the side effects of the flame.”

Of course, to her ears, whose physical abilities had developed immensely after becoming a succubus, that faint murmur was heard too clearly.

At the same time, Joshua picked up the cutlery again. Then, scooping up the stew’s broth and solids with the spoon, he slowly brought it to me.

“……”

Silently looking at me, the man was giving me a look that urged me to eat. At the same time, my gaze involuntarily went to the female knight behind me again. It had been like that before, but this time, she was looking at me with a face so filled with shock it seemed about to burst. It wasn’t a face of astonishing dramatic surprise compared to what an ordinary person might show, but for such a seemingly emotionless female knight to wear such an expression, it couldn’t help but appear that dramatic.

‘Is this really such a surprising thing?’

I don’t know. I knew nothing about this man before me. Unlike me, for whom everything about the man, from A to Z, was full of unknowns except his name, that female knight seemed to know him well, so that’s why she could feel such surprise in the current situation.

Chomp.

In any case, seeing the spoon approach my mouth, I took the food.

‘…Hmm.’

It’s delicious. It was no different from the food the nurse usually brought, but as it was food made by imperial chefs, even simple stew couldn’t help but be delicious. But rather than a simple ‘it’s delicious’ impression, how should I put it… a small sense of happiness rose within me. Perhaps it was like a thirst that had remained unquenched until now was finally being satisfied. A puzzling feeling, as if I, who had been overlooked, was finally receiving genuine attention, became clearer and clearer as I ate the food offered by this man.

“It seems to suit your taste.”

“……”

I nodded slightly. In response, Joshua scooped more food and brought it to me again. And. For a long while, the man silently waited for me to chew the food, then repeated the act of offering more, helping me with my meal.