episode_0055

How long had it been?

No one remembered the memories from the Knight Order anymore.

Not the clear bell tolls from the Cathedral of Prophets, ringing in the early morning and at noon.

Not the members who, every morning, ran dozens of laps around the training grounds and exchanged mischievous jokes.

Not the foolish comrades who secretly begged to switch shifts, claiming they had dates with their lovers.

And—

…And—

…Just.

“Hahaha, what was that?!”

I was happy with my current life.

I had devoted myself to the sword to gain recognition from my family, but life in the Knight Order, where everyone was laid-back with each other, was a refreshing escape from the rigid atmosphere of my household.

Although I hid the deep shadow cast within my heart, straining to appear brighter and more active than anyone else, as if I were a vibrant child.

At the time, I desperately wanted to enjoy this happiness to its fullest, and extend it for as long as possible.

So, I forced myself to be outgoing, and struggled to hide the shadow in my heart.

It actually worked.

Thanks to the personality I usually maintained, even deeply quarreling comrades could easily reconcile through my mediation.

And sometimes, when comrades returned dead from missions, and the entire atmosphere among the members grew cold, this personality of mine had helped.

Yes.

So, while hiding the shadow in my heart.

By pretending to be a lively child and continuing this happiness.

I had thought that this was the meaning of my life.

“Oh?”

It was mealtime.

After finishing training, a black-haired man, unusually striking, caught my eye.

‘Black hair.’

It was an uncommon hair color.

White hair was quite common, as sailors often had it, but black hair, in contrast, was something I had rarely seen.

‘How unusual.’

It was unusual.

Hair as black as ink spilled on paper.

And what about his eyes? Each time he scooped food from his tray, the subtly visible color of his eyes was also like ink… no, even darker than ink, a deep black.

‘How unusual.’

I mumbled to myself once more.

How unusual.

They say people from the famous martial family, the Dustihes, had that kind of hair and eye color. Could he possibly be from the Dustihes family?

‘No way.’

That couldn’t be.

Their entire clan had been annihilated for treason.

My trivial, scoff-worthy thoughts lasted only a moment before my gaze returned to the man.

…I knew it was incredibly rude to say this, but his expression was quite fearsome.

Even more so than Nikita, who was burly and half-ogre-blooded.

‘Wow, look at those scars.’

Deep, dark scars carved into his face were a given.

If I looked closely, there were countless small scars around them too.

‘He’d probably be handsome if not for the scars.’

Hmm, or maybe not. I couldn’t tell.

Regardless of the scars, the expression he wore was inherently a bit scary.

‘Hmm… what should I do?’

Several months had already passed since I joined the Knight Order.

Having joined at the end of this cohort, I hadn’t had much time to get close to the other members, but I had already established familiarity and friendships with most of them.

‘If he’s eating here, he must be from the same cohort…’

Now that I thought about it, if he were from the same cohort, there’s no way I wouldn’t have seen his face before. Could he not be from the same cohort?

‘Hmm…’

I didn’t know.

Was he really from the same cohort, and if so, why was I seeing his face for the first time despite having been here for several months?

‘…….’

I was curious about these things, but what did any of that matter right now?

After all.

Thud. Thud.

Having entered this place, I intended to befriend everyone in my cohort.

To forget the nightmare for a while.

Under the pressure of needing to be recognized, to temporarily forget that burden and protect a happy life.

I slowly walked up behind him as he ate.

“Excuse me—”

“………. …?”

Contrary to his fearsome appearance, his first impression was more interesting than expected.

Did he think I wouldn’t call out to him?

He remained silent for a long time despite my call, then, perhaps sensing my continued presence nearby, he finally turned around.

“Did you, by any chance, call me?”

“Yes!”

With a slightly dazed expression.

“May I eat with you?”

I quickly asked, seizing the moment of his bewilderment, and he unknowingly nodded his head.

Clatter.

Thinking this was my chance, I quickly set down my wooden tableware and tray before he could fully collect himself.

As I sat down at the straight dining table in my neat uniform, I saw the man opposite me still wearing a dazed expression.

Towards him, I extended a hand and smiled brightly.

“Nice to meet you! I’m Helena Camellia! Just call me Helena!”

He awkwardly took my hand for a moment, and my gaze particularly fixated on the strange expression on his face.

Was something wrong? Or was there something on my face?

I wasn’t sure, but the expression the man wore was neither friendly nor hostile—it was, quite literally, strange—so I wondered why he looked at me that way.

“I—”

“You don’t have to force a smile.”

Before I could even open my mouth, the man interrupted me.

But what he said only filled me with more questions.

“Pardon? Force a smile?”

“Aren’t you forcing yourself to smile when you don’t want to?”

“Me, forcing…a smile?”

For a moment, I wondered what this man was talking about.

I had never once thought such a thing.

But.

‘This feels strange.’

For some reason, those words felt as if they were piercing straight through my heart.

As if they had completely broken through some deeply knotted burden hidden in the deepest part of my heart, removing something that had unknowingly been weighing heavily on me.

‘Why… am I feeling this way?’

No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t understand.

Eventually, my gaze returned to the man.

“I’m a bit sensitive to things like that.”

“Sensitive?”

“Yes.”

“I might be a bit dense, but… how should I put it? I’m quite good at noticing forced smiles.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I grew up in the slums.”

“You grew up in the slums?”

“Yes.”

The man said with an awkward smile.

“There were countless people there who approached you under the guise of good intentions, masked by fake smiles. I know it’s very rude to say this, but given my past, when I see someone I just met putting on such a masked smile, I instinctively become suspicious of why they’re approaching me.”

“Ah…”

Masked by a fake smile.

Only after hearing those words did I realize why this man had said such a thing to me.

‘I wanted to maintain this current happiness.’

Temporarily forgetting the burden of wanting my family’s recognition, I desperately wanted to somehow maintain my current happy life.

Because of that, I had uncharacteristically forced myself to smile when dealing with the members, and living that way, at some point, I had completely forgotten an important truth about myself.

‘I…’

I wasn’t originally someone who smiled this often.

Before coming to the Knight Order, I could count on one hand the times I had smiled.

Hearing this man’s words, I realized anew that I had desperately tried not to lose this life I considered happy, begging for happiness by forcing smiles and living a lively life unsuited to my usual personality.

“If you found that rude, I sincerely apologize.”

The man bowed his head and offered me an apology, as if truly sorry.

“Oh, no! It’s fine! Actually, you’re not wrong. Hehe…”

As I waved my hand and gave an awkward smile, the man looked at me with a very, very faint smile.

Did he think I wouldn’t notice? His lips had curled up so subtly that I could barely see it even with intense focus, but to my eyes, the man’s face seemed to be saying:

‘Your smile looks more natural now.’

Looking at my awkward smile rather than a bright one, the man, amusingly, held such a thought.

Anyway, he was a truly, truly peculiar person.

At the same time, my curiosity about this man began to grow rapidly.

“Excuse me—”

“Yes?”

“Seeing you eat here at this time, you must be from the same cohort, right? When did you join?”

“I joined the Knight Order a little over half a year ago, but I’ve been in this barracks for less than a week.”

“What? Did you go on some special mission?”

“Well—”

The man’s gaze fell to his sleeve.

My gaze naturally followed, and the man hastily pulled his sleeve down to cover his skin, which looked scorched black, tightly gripping the spoon in his gloved hand.

‘Ah.’

An ordinary commoner might not know, but a scion of a noble family who had experienced all sorts of power struggles couldn’t possibly miss the meaning of that reaction.

The man had been discriminated against.

Because of the burn mark on his left hand.

‘…….’

It was a common occurrence.

In any group, if someone stood out or was different, they would be ostracized and tormented.

In this man’s case, it seemed the degree was a bit more severe.

He was in the same cohort, and if it had been a little over half a year, that meant he arrived here several months before me.

The fact that I was only seeing his face for the first time after he’d been here for so long meant that he hadn’t received proper knight training all this time, but had instead been sent out on excessive missions and wandered outside.

Did he notice my thoughts? The man gave a slight wave of his hand, as if to say it was fine now.

“It’s alright now. Duke Oleg-nim noticed, and he replaced the knights who were bothering me.”

“Duke Oleg-nim?”

I was a bit surprised.

Who was the Duke here?

None other than Duke Oleg-nim, known as the Great Knight.

His swordsmanship was formidable enough to aim for the Grand Master realm, and even Orlando, known as the Sword Emperor, held him in great respect.

For such a Duke to show that much interest in just one knight.

Could this man, unlike other knights, have been directly invited by the Duke to join?

The impression of him being somewhat out of place amongst his peers had vanished, and in Helena’s eyes, the man’s figure had transformed into that of a skilled knight.

“Then you must be good with a sword too, right?”

“A sword… you mean?”

“Yes! My family is actually a knight family, but I’m an illegitimate child, so… Ah! No, forget I said that, um, well…”

“You can speak slowly.”

“Well…”

After a moment of hesitation, I said to the man:

“Can you teach me swordsmanship?”

“Me, swordsmanship?”

“Yes!”

“I’m a wandering mercenary, so I’m not particularly skilled with a sword.”

“Oh, come on! Even as a mercenary, you have that raw talent, don’t you? Their unique swordsmanship, not the refined kind knights use, is incredibly useful!”

“Even so…”

“Please?”

“Hmm…”

Though it happened much later, this person reportedly thought this about me at the time:

My pleading expression, eyes shining as I begged him to teach me swordsmanship, felt incredibly awkward, and yet.

When he saw me purely and unpretentiously express my desire to learn the sword, speaking my true feelings honestly, he roughly understood what kind of woman Helena Camellia was.

And so, even though he knew it was a bad idea, he couldn’t help but be interested in me and found himself agreeing to teach me swordsmanship without hesitation.

If he had known that he would be stuck with me all day, he would have flatly refused.

As he told me this, the man would often give a faint smile, as if recalling a fond memory, whenever he recounted that story.

Extend.

I extended my hand once more.

“Then, let’s reintroduce ourselves! My name is Helena Camellia! What’s your name, Sunbae?”

“…Why are you suddenly calling me Sunbae?”

“Oh, that’s not important! So, what’s your name, Sunbae?”

As if unable to handle my unique energy, the man, as if defeated, took my hand and said:

“Agapé. I have no surname.”

“Agapé…”

Agapé, Agapé.

‘Agapé, that would surely be in ancient language… Ah.’

It was a quite peculiar name.

“Agapé means ‘absolute love’ in ancient language, right? Your name is suuuper romantic!”

For some reason, the man named Agapé wore an expression of surprise, as if he had never heard that before.

“…You didn’t know, did you?”

“…No. I truly didn’t know my name held such a meaning.”

Agapé, Agapé…

Agapé mumbled his name a few times, lost in deep thought.

“Anyway!”

Grin.

“It’s a really beautiful name! Please take care of me from now on, Sunbae!”

He said I forced a smile.

Perhaps before meeting Sunbae… No, I definitely had been wearing nothing but artificial smiles, full of artifice, unsuited to my true nature.

But as time passed, and as I spent time with this man.

Watching his clumsy and somewhat foolish, yet kind-hearted and responsible self.

At some point, I came to my senses and realized that, to this man at least—

I was now only giving pure, transparent smiles, free of pretense or artifice.

***

“What’s your name?”