episode_0049

People’s emotions were arbitrary. It was also evidence that while there were people who were consistent, there were also people who were just fickle. And I was easily influenced by those around me. The evidence was that he tilted his head at every word and doubted his situation.

By nature, humans were bound to deny themselves and scream, unable to bear the suspicious looks and words and actions. But there was one person who couldn’t do that.

When it feels like there is nothing you can do properly, when you make a mess every time you do something, and when everything seems to be pointless, then only then do people begin to doubt themselves.

Rather than pointing fingers or negating others, those who doubt themselves will have time to reflect on themselves instead of reacting when they receive negativity from others.

This was a behavior often seen in people with low self-esteem. If I heard that it was my fault, I would think that it was really my fault and try to find fault with myself, and then I would think that it was my fault, think that way, and respond.

Such an unstable mind was once again cut down, and the person who had once lost himself was no longer able to find himself and was left wandering.

What to do, I couldn’t find the answer within myself. That was the most important issue. How much initiative can a person who thinks that everything he thinks is wrong, that everything he does is sure to be a mess, and that everything he says will ruin everything one day, can do anything?

People who are overconfident, have strong narcissism, and have a clear sense of self have difficulty understanding such people. That’s right, it was a feeling and thought that I didn’t know about.

Such an unstable person wanted someone stable. That was the reason Hayun clung to Hansol.

Hayun, who is holding on to something because she is resentful of the relationship that has become a mess due to her own actions and mistakes, and that she will be left with nothing by pushing her away, breaking the relationship she was secretly hoping for, desperately grasps at straws. I hung on with all my heart.

He was facing Hansol with feelings that he couldn’t show, but couldn’t completely let go of.

Cheering. Hayoon herself was the first to say this to Hansol yesterday, and she knew very well what that cheering meant. It meant letting them film a video, and it also included the question Hansol asked, ‘Anything?’

I’ll let you take pictures of anything. It was impossible to reject those words now. Because I had just said that I trust Hansol. That’s why Hayun kept an eye on Hansol’s hand and closed her eyes tightly when it touched her body.

The word ‘anything’ was scary. No matter what I did, I had to accept it calmly, so I needed some determination.

But Hansol looked at Hayun’s expression and sighed. At the same time as a deep sigh, the hand that was heading toward Hayun’s face fell down without touching her face.

“You were so nervous.”

Hansol’s soft voice tickled Hayun’s ears.

“… … Sorry.”

Hayun, who heard Hansol’s voice, was in a daze and then carefully apologized. I was wrapped in guilt over the fact that I said I believed it, but my actions did not.

What on earth am I doing… ! I said I believed it… !

Hayun, who scolded herself like that, looked up at Hansol with a helpless expression. Hansol’s eyes seemed cold, as if he had lost interest a long time ago. I felt like I was freezing.

Even though Hansol was just staring at Hayun with his expression blank to observe her expression, Hayoon couldn’t help but feel guilty and couldn’t bear the expression in her eyes that seemed to show that he had lost interest in her.

He was distressed that if he said he believed it but his actions did not, he would probably feel the same way and would make that kind of expression.

Hayoon, whose self-esteem had already begun to decline, began to magnify her mistakes, became sensitive to the reactions of others, and began to create her own interpretations.

Hansol may have been less prepared to just say ‘whatever’. On the other hand, Hayun was busy blaming herself because she didn’t know why she did what she did.

The moment Hansol received Hayun’s apology, he realized that the current situation was full of misunderstanding. But Hansol didn’t say anything and just looked at Hayun quietly.

“… … Sister, what are you sorry about?”

Hansol was really curious about that, but his tone of voice came out like, ‘What do you know?’ It was a question that pushed his older sister into even more trouble.

It was a question that pushed her to ask if she was aware of her mistakes, and Hayun’s eyes widened at the question and her gaze trembled as if she was trying to trace her mistakes.

Hayun, who had been silent for a long time, opened her trembling lips.

Even in a situation where it seemed like there was no need to be sorry, in this atmosphere where it felt like there was a need to be sorry, Hayun found her own answer and said those words.

“Mi, I said I believed it… Because he behaved differently… ?”

A mistake that even I am not sure about. However, Hayun did not feel anything strange in this situation and wondered if this was right. He gave Hansol a questioning look.

Who can tell me what I’m doing wrong that I don’t even know about? Wouldn’t it be better if it were shameless? How could a embarrassed person react when told that it’s true?

Hansol tilted his head forward out of curiosity, and while laughing, he affirmed Hayoon’s question-filled answer. My sister’s thoughts are right now. As if saying.

“I know, but why did you do that?”

After hearing the positive answer, Hayoon lowered her trembling gaze and slumped her shoulders like a person who has committed a sin. Then, he held on to his jacket with his shaky hands and looked like he didn’t know what to do.

Since I admitted my mistake and it matched Hansol’s irritability, it was now time to answer the question of why I did that. Hayun rolled her head.

I tried to answer the question, ‘Anything.’ I also answered in the affirmative when asked if I believed it, but I couldn’t figure out why I did that. To say that I trembled unconsciously is ultimately directly related to saying that I did not believe it.

As she was racking her brain, not knowing what to answer, an unexpected word struck Hayun in the head.

“He’s very moody.”

The words, like a cold dagger, seemed to pierce Hayun’s heart. For Hayun, who tried to treat Hansol carefully and treat him carefully, Hansol’s words had too much influence.

Hayun’s body froze as if every word was blocking her actions, and Hansol could only look down coldly in front of Hayun.

Hansol actually had no intention of pushing his older sister, Hayun, like this. However, if you admit your mistake and apologize, the story is different. As a cause arose and an atmosphere in which Hayoon could not say anything to himself was created, he naturally thought of himself as the superior and started to push himself.

The relationship between the two, which seemed to be equal, was becoming a vertical structure that could one day be defined as A and B.

However, no one could immediately notice the subtle differences in relationships. Moreover, since it was a relationship that was slowly fading away, Hayun had no way of knowing since she was only a person with very sensitive senses and strong opinions.

The good will and kindness that Hansol sometimes shows was like an anesthetic that made Hayun think the relationship was still equal, and the malicious intent and words and actions that Hansol sometimes showed caused Hayoon to feel confused and make her feel that her actions were wrong.

What was good and what was wrong?

The answer is that if Hansol was in a good mood, it was a good thing, and if Hansol was in a bad mood, it was a wrong thing. Because Hayun couldn’t figure out what else she did well anymore.

Because Hayun was unable to know what was right and what was wrong, and even doubted her own choices.

“No, that’s… … .”

A trembling voice reached Hansol’s ears. However, Hansol just looked at Hayun and kept his distance for a while.

Before, because of how close they were, even the silence between them felt comfortable, but now this silence felt so heavy that it was too harsh for Hayun.

Wandering eyes and small hands carefully reached out to Hansol. I wanted to say clearly that that wasn’t the case, but I was confused because I didn’t know how to defend my actions.

The arm stretched out to Hansol’s chest could not reach it, but Hansol grabbed his arm and stopped him.

Hayun, who was thrown away with her arm grabbed, knew what that meant. It was a clear expression of ‘rejection’. The sharp gaze and cold actions made it certain.

And after that, Hansol’s voice was heard.

“That could be true. Why do I fall so anxiously?”

Hansol said that indifferently.

“People can’t always be the same.”

Those words were meant for Hayun. The soft voice, which contrasted with the cold attitude and sharp gaze, seemed to put Hayoon at ease.

When Hayun heard those words, she almost relaxed and left it to him. But I knew that it shouldn’t be like that. His own whims were not the important issue right now.

The most important problem was that he could not show proof that he trusted Hansol, and Hansol was disappointed by it. That’s why Hayun had no choice but to be nervous.

“No, no. I’m just a little embarrassed because I haven’t been doing much lately.”

Hayoon defended her actions and at the same time tried to appeal to Hansol by saying that she still believed in him. Hansol, who was watching her actions and words, urged her to continue with her gaze as if telling her to continue.

At that gaze, I moaned ‘Ugh’ for a moment and then continued speaking again.

“So… It’s not that I don’t believe it.”

My anxious feelings did not go away. Because I knew that Hansol was the only proper relationship Hayun had left.

His parents, who were often away from home, and his classmates, who did not know how they would view him, were all left behind. The place where you have spent the most time and where you plan to spend it is the person who knows you best. Brother.

Hayoon rolled her eyes, desperately searching for words, as if it was her last resort, as if she couldn’t back out, and tried to move her small mouth while holding on to the hem of her clothes.

However, that action was short-lived as Hansol’s words blocked Hayun’s words. I felt like if I listened any further, it would end up being forgiving, so I deliberately blocked it.

“That’s it.”

Hansol, who vaguely knew that he could use guilt to manipulate his older sister as he pleased, chose to give Hayoon a chance to make up for her mistakes rather than lightly forgiving her.

My sister made this mistake with me. If you’re sorry, please do this.

To say that, Hansol shook Hayun several times. Even in a situation where my older sister might have reacted with rejection, I decided that it was possible because I was swayed without even being able to make such a judgment properly.

So Hansol just moaned and quietly opened his mouth to Hayun.

“You just have to show it with action.”

The voice seemed to suggest that it was an easy task.

Just stand still and do it if you can. Hansol, who came back after what could be said, felt a bit emotionally drained, but did not think it was unnecessary.

And just as she thought, even though Hayun’s mind was all tangled up, it had changed differently from before, just like Hansol’s thoughts.

When you first ask for something, do you feel a little joy, welcome it, and accept your actions and feelings a little? Hayoon must have thought that, but now she was fanning herself by saying that she had to prove her trust to Hansol and that she had to make up for this mistake now.

What is pushing Hayun’s back, a voluntary act? No, it was a sense of debt brought on by guilt caused by others.

It couldn’t be subjective, and it was the reason I started worrying about that person first. And Hansol consciously thought that he would prevent his sister from escaping from him, and unconsciously created that situation.

“Isn’t it?”

Hansol pressed for an answer, saying it was nothing special and simple. Then, Hayun was blank for a moment, but unable to overcome her nervousness, she answered as if she wanted to prove her faith this time.

“Yes… . I will try my best.”