episode_0048

With that, she quietly lowered her head. The moment the words that had just come out of her mouth cut through the air, her whole body seemed to freeze.

The impulsive confession created a suffocating tension.

But I didn’t regret it. On the contrary, I felt relieved. And… I was scared and excited at the same time.

“… … .”

“… … .”

Silence hung heavy in the air. Not a sound could be heard. It was as if the world held its breath, waiting for his answer.

Rudel could not raise his head. He could not even imagine what expression he was making. If it was a disappointed face, or a cold, frozen face…

Such imaginations weighed on her.

Her heart continued to beat indifferently, but her breathing was becoming shallow.

John.

I looked at her with her head bowed in silence. I couldn’t open my mouth because I didn’t know what to say.

Although he had many doubts, he had a vague idea that Rudel had feelings for him that were more than just goodwill.

But… I never imagined that you would confess your true feelings like this.

why?

Because she is the crown prince’s fiancée. She will become the crown princess, and in the future, the empress, and look after the empire.

“I…”

John opened his mouth with difficulty, then closed it again. He could tell that she was sincere just by looking at Rudella’s trembling shoulders and her bright red ears.

“… … .”

When there was no reply after a long time, Rudella raised her head slightly.

Her sky-blue eyes took in John. He looked quite troubled.

But for some reason… Rudel liked his awkward appearance.

It means that I am very shaken because I see myself as a woman.

“…Lady Bismark.”

“Say it.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t accept that feeling.”

“…I know.”

Rudel smiled slightly. She knew it too. The man in front of her would never betray his lover.

but…

But I just couldn’t stand it and not express my feelings.

This feeling, which started as a momentary impulse, soon became an uncontrollable desire and a yearning that I desperately wanted.

If I had kept it in my heart like I always did, I would have gotten sick someday.

“…Why did you tell me? It wouldn’t have been enough even if you kept it a secret your whole life.”

John didn’t understand Rudella like that. She expressed her feelings even though she knew that this relationship would fall apart.

A man waiting to be engaged to Princess Perbache, and a woman who must become the Crown Prince’s fiancée and the Crown Princess’s wife.

Rudel would have known that it would never come true.

“…I hope I can keep you in your heart even just a little bit.”

Ludella’s eyes, smiling slightly, were filled with love.

Although she said it impulsively, her confession was a very small act of greed.

Even if it doesn’t come true, a small desire to remain as a small fragment in his memory.

“The reason I haven’t been able to focus on my work lately and have been feeling dazed is because I keep thinking about you.”

Rudella continued speaking. Even in the midst of her hot breath, she did not stop opening her mouth.

“The reason I keep blushing and can’t meet your gaze is because I like you.”

John listened to Rudella quietly. It was difficult to speak because the form of her heart was so pure.

“The more I think of you, the more my heart flutters, and I keep thinking of your smile, and the warmth of the hand we held, and the memory of walking down the streets of the Imperial City with you is so precious, I can’t concentrate on anything.”

The illness that Rudella had was a serious one. Not only did it disrupt a person’s reasoning, it could also drag them into the abyss of darkness.

“…You were the first person I had feelings for. I liked the fact that you thought of me. I liked the fact that you didn’t expect anything from me and just looked at a woman named Rudella.”

Rudel swallowed hard. It felt like a boulder had been lifted.

I wasn’t expecting a positive answer, but I didn’t think it would come.

The more I talked, the more greedy I became. If it was an attractive offer that I couldn’t refuse, wouldn’t he look at me?

Rudel took courage.

“However, if you accept my heart… I will do my best for you. I will become the crown princess, give you all the power, and even give you a woman if you want.”

Johan’s eyebrows trembled slightly as he quietly listened to Rudella’s words. He wondered if he had heard correctly just now.

“What the…”

“I will become your empress and give you everything.”

“Is that your heart, Lady Bismark?”

“That’s right. This is the best I can give you.”

As John looked blank, Rudella cautiously observed him and then added.

“You will become the most powerful person in the empire, and if there is a woman you want to hold, you will hold her. You can hold me too. Isn’t that a very attractive offer?”

…Is this guy out of his mind? John’s face hardened coldly.

I could understand confessing my feelings to that extent. Since it couldn’t continue anyway, it was better to just let it go.

But what Rudella just said was clearly an insult.

“You will become the empress and take me as your concubine. That is what you are saying now.”

John’s voice was low. Beyond simple disappointment, the anger hidden in his words was slowly revealed.

“Is that what you want? In exchange for my heart, you want to give me power and women?”

He stared at her intently. His gaze was cold and sharp. Rudela’s shoulders trembled as her eyes widened.

“This is… quite insulting.”

Rudelha shook her head urgently, thinking that John was misunderstanding something.

“No! That was absolutely not my intention…! The reason I said this was to give you a more attractive option. I absolutely did not intend to insult you…!”

But her desperate denial pales in comparison, as Johan takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. Soon, a cold voice reaches Rudela’s ear.

“You didn’t mean to insult me? Then why, why did you suggest that? Did I look like that to you?”

“That’s…”

When his gaze fell on her again, Rudella could read both anger and disappointment in John’s eyes for the first time.

“I was wrong to expect anything from you. The values of someone who has lived their whole life like that don’t change easily. I was stupid.”

Rudel’s lips parted slightly. The breath coming out of her mouth was cold. Just like Johan’s face now.

“Listen carefully. The reason I showed you favor was because I felt sorry for you living as someone’s puppet, and I wanted you to find your own value.”

The reason Johan came all the way to the Topaz Palace so late and tried to keep her from collapsing was simply because he didn’t want to see Rudela Bismark being ruined by others.

I hope that Francia and I won’t become enemies who stand in his way.

I hope you don’t do something stupid by being someone’s puppet.

I hope it doesn’t ruin your life.

“But you still can’t shake the thought that you have to become the crown princess.”

However, all such wishes were denied.

“It’s your life, so it’s none of my business, but if you’re going to convey your feelings like that, you should at least make up your mind first.”

John swept back his bangs with a cool, hard face.

“To become an empress and give me power and women… Is that what you think you want? To make me your concubine? Can’t give up power or desire?”

“No, no…! Absolutely, absolutely not that was my intention…! Believe me… I beg you…”

Rudelha shook her head urgently. Her eyes were shaking. It looked as if she would shed transparent tears at any moment.

“I…!”

She was sincere. It wasn’t a lie that she would give up her position as crown princess and sever ties with the Bismarck family if it meant being able to connect with him.

But then… I thought there was no reason for him to choose me. There was no benefit to taking me, who had no power.

“I guess I have nothing more to say.”

John shook his head again, his expression full of disappointment.

“…I was wrong to have even the slightest hope that you would be able to escape from Bismarck’s puppet.”

John just wanted her to live her own life without being swayed by anyone.

Because I felt sorry for her, her fiancé, who she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with, threatening her life and living as a puppet of her family. It was such a pitiful sight.

That was how the sympathy started. It was never a feeling of affection for her, or anything more than favor.

“Oh, no… I…”

Rudel’s head was bowed, and her lips were quivering. Her trembling fingertips rose and hovered in the air.

“Rudella Bismark. You are neither the Crown Prince’s errand boy nor a puppet of the Bismark family.”

John gave her one last piece of advice.

“Listen carefully. The reason you think you should become the crown princess is not because you like the crown prince, but because the family demands it.”

Rudel looked at Johan blankly, her face somewhat absent-minded. Her eyes were unfocused.

“She must have been afraid of disappointing someone because she had been expected to become the crown princess since she was young.”

John’s voice was sharp. That was what Rudella hated so much. The fact that his heart, which had always looked at her gently, had become sharp…

“Think carefully, Rudella Bismark. You are the one who lives, breathes, thinks, and decides everything.”

But on the other hand, the fact that he thought of me… that heart was warm. Even though he had changed sharply, he was still generous.

“If you want to be honest with your feelings, if you want to achieve something, don’t be swayed by your family, choose your truth. It’s your life.”

John turned his back and spoke for the last time.

“…I won’t be visiting you again, so please refrain from calling me by my designated mission. Lady Bismark, I’m sorry for being rude.”

The last one… was clearly a line-drawing remark.

He left without looking back. The sound of his footsteps gradually grew distant. But Rudella could not bring herself to stop him.

Because he looked completely disappointed.

That was definitely not my intention…

How did it turn out like this?

Expressing her feelings like this was so awkward for her that she made a slip of the tongue. She insulted the man she loved more than anyone else.

Rudella was resentful of herself for having no choice but to think and say this.

I confessed my feelings, thinking that just telling her was enough, but I got greedy because of my expectations. So I ended up saying things that I didn’t need to say.

Because I don’t think I’ll ever catch him if I don’t do it now.

Rudel suggested that to give him a reason to choose her.

Because, in her own opinion, Rudella was not worthy of being Lady Bismark.

‘This wasn’t it…’

Rudel sighed and blew a puff of breath into the chilly air.

The cold wind bit into her collar, but she didn’t feel cold at all.

Because I was left alone in a garden full of white lilies, I felt even colder.

The foolish words he had uttered had pushed John’s back. No matter how much he regretted it, he would never be able to take it back.

“Ahh…”

Rudel collapsed in her seat. The cold winter wind brushed against her cheek, but even colder than that were Johan’s last words.

The back of John’s figure still lingered before her eyes. The moment he turned away, she knew. He would never look back again.

“Why is it like this…”

She was left alone in the garden where pure white lilies had lowered their heads.

In this place where even the moonlight was frozen cold, there was nothing that could comfort her.