episode_0046

Would it have been better if I had been lonely from the beginning? Or, should I have found a different path from the beginning? Would it have been better if I had met more friends, talked more, and played more? The answer to that question did not exist anywhere, just hovering in the air.

Hayun regretted it. If he hadn’t been overcome by curiosity from the beginning, if he hadn’t suggested it to Hansol first, it wouldn’t have ended up like this. saying.

In the meantime, he controlled his disturbed mind by saying that he may have found his own sanctuary because he did that.

After kissing her deeply, as always, heat rose to her face. My mouth was full of thick saliva, and my heart was pounding as I breathed heavily.

After being silent for a moment, Hayun took a breath and raised her gaze with her eyes wide open. Hayun, who made eye contact with Hansol, showed a red face and kept her mouth shut.

Hayun’s lips trembled as she swallowed her saliva.

He also knew that he was strange. No matter how lonely I was, no matter how uneducated I was, I also knew that a relationship like this would not be accepted in society or in any country.

However, it was thanks to Hansol that I was able to endure the cold loneliness of that time, and when I remembered that it was thanks to that incident, I had no idea what I should have done.

The two who approached out of curiosity became closer than any other siblings, and as they became so close, they were able to understand each other better than anyone else. They were like partners who understood each other and helped eliminate each other’s loneliness.

Of course, the term ‘companionship’ may not be a very appropriate expression for siblings. But, at least Hayun thought so.

He said that because of Hansol, and because of this relationship he has had since then, he has survived so far without feeling lonely.

And as the days passed, I got older, and I started to face people’s eyes in society, I became more and more anxious. I was afraid of how others would look at me and my younger brother, and what curses they would say.

That’s why I pushed him away, but maybe I was secretly happy because Hansol didn’t get pushed away even though I pushed him. I pushed him, but he may have been secretly disappointed when he was pushed away obediently.

Facing that fact, Hayoon became confused and lost her mind. It was a selfish act to bring back a topic that had been pushed away, and there was a small desire for Hansol to change his mind again, but a mixed feeling of regret that Hansol walking away like this was not a bad thing.

In the meantime, after kissing, a little confusion seeped in. A desire that slowly approaches. Meanwhile, this heavy body, trying to save its face, could only look at Hansol and catch its breath.

It didn’t take long for the silence to be broken. Hansol also knew it well. That my sister actually has a desire to continue this relationship, but at the same time, she is concerned about the eyes of those around her and society and is trying to push her away.

Hayoon, who was struggling between the two, was attractive. I felt like Hansol was thinking of me no matter what, so I laughed and laughed. Either way, there was Hayun who wanted him, and there was Hayun who was trying to push him away for his sake.

In the meantime, Hansol thought that Hayun, who couldn’t be honest, was cute, so he leaned his upper body and whispered in her ear.

“Sister, I want to do a little… How are you?”

Hansol knew that if he pushed Hayun blindly, Hayun would naturally try to fight back, pretending that she couldn’t win. However, it was obvious that his older sister would just wait for him to push her, and then he would end up clinging to her like before.

Hansol got that thought and asked what his sister thought.

Be honest. That’s what he was saying. And Hayoon, who heard the proposal, could not willingly accept it. I hesitated about how to answer.

If you answer willingly, won’t it seem as if you were expecting that? Thinking about that, Hayun chewed her lips for a moment and then answered carefully.

“… … That’s right.”

Ambiguous answer. I did not agree to Hansol’s suggestion. But he didn’t deny it either. Hansol heard the answer and thought for a moment about what to do.

While Hayun was worried about how to answer, Hansol was worried about how to act. What he didn’t deny was that his sister was also secretly looking forward to it. So, he tilted his head, thinking that if he pushed further, he might be able to get the answer he wanted.

After making eye contact with Hayun for a long time and sighing, Hansol leaned back, sat upright, and stared at Hayun again.

Was your answer unpleasant? Thinking this, Hayun started to sweat inside.

“I don’t think it’s been a week yet, but I was too hasty.”

Hansol’s action was simply to take his time. There was no need to rush things like this. I didn’t want to take the gamble of pushing myself in the first place and then getting resentment from my sister.

I was full of regret because I had already shortened the time and number of times I had asked for, but it was clear that if I caused more animosity, it would end without me even being able to ask my sister to wait, so I chose to do nothing.

Hansol deftly raised his hands and leaned back, then got up from the bed.

Hayun was embarrassed to see Hansol suddenly standing up and saying as if he had done something wrong. There was no change in his expression, but inside he was nervous that he had made a mistake.

“I kissed you today. Just turn a blind eye to cuteness. I don’t think I could reduce what I used to do every day in just one or two days.”

Hansol smiled bitterly and said that to Hayun. And then he left the room before Hayoon could say anything. And at the same time, he said, ‘Don’t be so depressed,’ and slammed the door shut.

Hayun was in a daze, then moved her free hand and gripped the blanket tightly. If you made a fist with your bare hands, you would hold it so hard that your fingernails would dig into your palm and cause bleeding.

The warmth did not leave the hand that Hansol was holding just a moment ago. And the blanket that had been covering me warmly until now felt colder than Hansol’s hands.

Did Hayun answer wrong again? As I thought about this, I bit my lower lip.

Based on the atmosphere, he thought Hansol would come closer to him, but he groaned, saying that the reason he didn’t might be because he didn’t respond properly.

Yesterday, he was miserable and sitting alone in the living room, and this time he was sitting alone in his room again.

Even though it was supposed to be a room where she was alone, Hayoon said to her, “You are alone.” It felt painful to say that.

It was Hansol who stood by Hayun’s side and consoled her loneliness, comforted Hayun and suggested solutions when she was having a hard time, and listened to, understood, and sympathized with what she could not easily say to others. But Hansol was about to walk away. I couldn’t bear that loneliness.

I knew it. The fact that we just need to return from a strangely close relationship to the normal relationship of siblings that others know. But the process was very difficult. I was anxious because I felt like I was being forced to separate from a close relationship.

If they continued to grow apart like this and their relationship became no longer that of an ordinary brother and sister, it would be a complete shame. That was unsettling. I knew that human relationships could not be stable. Even if it’s family.

Hayun, who had already ruined her relationship, did not want to lose another relationship, and that nervousness was already behind her.

Hayun, who had felt glad and happy since the morning, felt even more lonely and miserable after Hansol left without doing anything, and pondered over her mistakes.

**

Before I knew it, it was lunch without even eating breakfast. I don’t know if it was because it was mid-April, but the warm sunlight felt a little hot.

I didn’t do anything, I just lay there in a daze on the bed. The exam was over, so I had nothing to study, and I didn’t have the motivation to do anything. So I just laid down on my bed and stared blankly at the ceiling.

And then I blamed myself again and again. This morning, I thought that if I had just been a little more honest, if I hadn’t measured it, things might have turned out the way I wanted, and I regretted that I couldn’t do that.

If I had just spoken better when Hansol came yesterday, if I had humbled my pride and told my true feelings, something would have worked out. Wouldn’t he have done as he said? I thought about it, and I regretted not being able to do it.

Hayun, who felt depressed because she felt like it was all her fault, put her arm over her eyes and blocked her vision.

It felt like my tear ducts were broken. After realizing that everything was my fault, tears started flowing continuously.

I don’t know why I was so angry at school. Normally, I would have ignored him being so polite and just smiled bitterly, but I couldn’t and got angry.

And the result is that Hayun herself has to take a leave of absence and take the next class. And it made me worry.

Still, when I thought that I was glad that Hansol had made such a suggestion, I let out a sigh mixed with laughter. It was also an unthinkable method for Hayun, who had shown an exemplary appearance on the outside.

Hayun, who was regretting her previous actions and groaning as she worried about what would happen in the future, could only groan and groan. After a while, it was already approaching 1 o’clock.

I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t want to eat anything. When I was in a bad mood, I wasn’t hungry, but I was so stressed out that I would starve myself and then go on a diet.

Hayun, who was still, didn’t have anything she wanted to do or eat, but she absentmindedly moved her arms to support her small body. Hayun raised her upper body, carefully leaned over, and sighed.

Hayun, who had been dazed like that, put the blanket aside for a moment and got up from the bed. When I looked at the dressing table next to me, my short stature was clearly revealed. Short height, a little over 150 centimeters. Other friends, seniors, and juniors told Hayun that she was cute, but Hayun wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

When I thought it was good to be short, the difference between Hansol, who is in his mid-170s and just over 20, was perfect for hugging. It was about that. Even though they were brother and sister, Hayoon and Hansol were known to each other because they often held each other in their arms.

I liked who was big and who was small. I didn’t say that. It was a fact we knew because we were just holding each other. Hayun, remembering something she vaguely knew, looked away from the mirror she had been staring at and chewed her lip.

“Ha.”

Then he sighed and put his hand on the doorknob. The door that connects and disconnects the room where he is confined and the living room where he often meets Hansol.

Hayun, who was contemplating whether to hold the doorknob and turn it to open it, closed her eyes tightly and opened the door. Suddenly. Beyond the open door, Hansol was looking at Hayun as if surprised.

While passing by after drinking water, he looked surprised when he saw the door suddenly open. But that expression only lasted for a moment as Hansol changed his expression and smiled at Hayoon.

“Are you awake?”

Hayun, who was momentarily taken aback by Hansol’s attitude as if nothing had happened, rolled her eyes and then turned her attention back to Hansol. Then he looked hesitant about what to say, and answered with a bitter smile.

“Uh, yes. I guess I was a little tired.”

Hayoon was depressed for a moment when she saw Hansol’s reaction, but after seeing her younger brother’s reaction, she decided to do it. However, the things I had been thinking about for about four hours after I woke up did not disappear.

And the result was enough to make Hayun change her mind a little.

The moment Hayun greeted Hansol, she swallowed the words she had not said out loud and made a promise. ‘You just need to be a little more honest.’