episode_0041

Loneliness is a terrible feeling.

It is like poison.

When a person is happy, loneliness hides its existence and waits for its time.

And when happiness collapses and despair arrives,

loneliness reappears and makes people miserable.

Loneliness, hidden like an assassin, appears when one is most vulnerable and slowly kills people.

Dragging them into a swamp of despair and depression,

slowly, slowly drowning them until they eventually sink and die.

That is how loneliness kills people.

Just like now.

How much time has passed?

The only thing I can guess is that it is currently daytime.

Crying continuously, fainting, sleeping, then waking up, I don’t know how many times day and night have changed.

No, I didn’t even check. To be exact, such a thought didn’t even cross my mind.

Because just overcoming this cursed voice that gnaws at my mind at this very moment is difficult enough.

“If it weren’t for you.”

If I shift my consciousness even slightly elsewhere, I am immediately consumed.

“Die-”

Man? Woman? Child? Elderly person? The voices of countless people mix and curse me.

“Die-!”

The voice grew louder and louder, until finally, as if with noise, its sound quality ripped apart.

“Die-!!!!”

Even if I covered my ears or screamed, the voice cursing me did not disappear.

“Ugh….. Hooo….. Stop….. Please…… Stop……”

How much longer must I listen to this voice?

Months? Years?

Or a lifetime……

“Please….. Hmph…. Gulp….. For….. Ugh…. give me….. Please…..”

Thump! Thump! Thump!

I pound my head on the floor, begging for forgiveness.

I apologize without even knowing who to ask forgiveness from.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry….. I’m sorry……

So please…. please…..

Please forgive me. Please free me from this guilt.

CRASH-!

Drip

Bright red blood flowed. Looking at the floor, blood was dripping onto the fragmented pieces of marble.

“Huh…. Heugh…..”

My vision spun, and I felt a slight urge to vomit. My body, which hadn’t eaten or slept for days, was already pushed to its limits.

If I pound my head further here, I will die. I will definitely die.

But even so, I did not stop.

CRASH!

“Pleas…. Ugh….. Please…..”

“Do you think that will be enough?”

But even if I pounded my head until my forehead was shattered and bleeding, even if I gasped as if I would die any moment,

the voice did not disappear.

No, rather, it cackled and mocked me as if watching a funny play.

“Ah-ugh…… Hooo……”

Do they truly wish for my death? Do they want to see my corpse lying somewhere, dying lonely in a place no one knows?

But

I don’t want to die.

Even if I’m cursed as the worst unfilial daughter for betraying my father and siding with his enemy,

Even if I’m always surrounded by people who envy, are jealous of, resent, and hate me, forced to constantly watch my step,

I hate dying. I’m scared.

I don’t want to die surrounded by voices resenting me.

“Mik…. hael…..”

Suddenly, he came to mind.

He, with whom I had severed ties myself.

I missed Mikhail.

I missed the comfort and peace, the warmth he had given me, so much.

I missed the evenings spent with him. I missed the garden covered in white snow where we walked together.

His gentle touch, his calloused, rough palms, and even the warm body temperature emanating from them.

I missed everything about him.

‘Cold…. Lonely…..’

The days I spent with him were definitely happy.

Kissing or hugging was slightly uncomfortable, but that discomfort always disappeared quickly.

But now that I’ve broken up with him…..

I was utterly miserable.

Days when I couldn’t properly sleep or eat.

When was the last time I met someone? Ah, there wasn’t one.

Because no one cares about a princess hated by everyone.

Because it’s only right for me to be forgotten and die alone and lonely.

“Hooooo….. Mikhail….. Hmph…. Mik…. Gulp…. Sha…..”

I miss him. I miss him terribly.

I wished he would come find me. I wanted him to find me and quickly drive away these voices.

To seek out Mikhail again after having dumped him in the most miserable way….

How shameless can one be?

I knew it was pathetic.

I knew that hoping he would come back after I had dumped him was a shameless wish.

But…. but…..

It’s too hard.

This voice that torments me both when I’m fully conscious and behind the curtain of sleep is horrifying and agonizing.

I needed Mikhail. I desperately needed him.

“Mikhail….”

I staggered to my feet and headed towards the window.

A sensible person would have left the room to find him, but I, incapable of normal thinking, thought a little differently.

To find him even a little faster, let’s go outside the window.

Approaching the window like that, I found him.

Mikhail, with a beautiful woman beside him,

looked at her with a loving expression, and then

tightly embraced her.

Just as he used to do to me.

Ah

I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t do anything.

I just stared at them as if possessed.

Until they walked out of the garden, smiling happily.

What was I expecting?

Did I still think Mikhail considered me special?

After having done that.

“Ha…. Haha…. Uhuhu…..”

Laughter emerged. Not laughter filled with happiness, but self-mocking laughter.

Because I was so foolish.

Because there was no other fool or idiot like me in the world.

Stupid bitch. Shamelessly arrogant bitch.

Drip drip

It wasn’t raining, but the front of my dress was getting wet.

“Heh…. Huhuhu…. Hmph….. Ugh…..”

My vision was getting blurry little by little. My body, which hadn’t gotten proper food, water, or even sleep, seemed to be crumbling little by little as it reached its limit.

Thud-

When I closed my eyes and opened them again like that, the time had changed to night.

My head throbbed as if I had hit it somewhere, and various parts of my body screamed out.

No one came…..

Or maybe they knew and ignored it.

I understood it with my head, but my heart felt bitter.

I’m completely a burden. A useless piece of baggage.

“Hahaha……”

Why did I struggle all this time? Why did I do my work while enduring all sorts of ridicule and insults?

When it was all for nothing like this. When no one recognized it.

“Cough cough.”

Even in this situation, instinct wriggled towards survival.

If it were before, I would have suppressed my instinct and fallen into despair, but the me now didn’t even have the strength to control this instinct.

Just floundering in a swamp of endless despair.

Whether my reason was lost in despair and flailing or not, instinct simply moved my body to survive by getting moisture.

Gulp gulp

“Haa….”

After getting even water thickly covered in dust inside me, my head started to work a little again.

Reason reawakens, pushing aside instinct and reclaiming my body.

At the same time, my senses gradually return.

Bruises here and there, including on my head, pins and needles in my legs, terrible thirst and hunger,

and even pain in my throat.

Cough

Drip

“Huh…..?”

Blood is flowing from my mouth.

What is it? Why is there blood?

Poison?

My head feels hazy.

Did I eat poison?

My heart pounds wildly. But contrary to that, strength drains from my hands and feet.

Cough

Blood came out of my mouth. Its dark reddish-brown color seemed to show death.

At the same time, my throat and esophagus burned as if they were being scorched.

Thud

……

…… Mikhail

—

Is this what a life review is?

There is the me of childhood and Mikhail.

I wander around the garden, holding a twig in one hand and pulling Mikhail with the other.

Mikhail looks at me, wandering around proudly as if I were a vanguard general, with loving eyes.

His face that I hadn’t seen before. Looking from a third-person perspective, the emotion is so blatant that you can immediately recognize it as affection/love.

He said he liked me since then, but who knew that was true.

It’s truly unexpected. When I was young, anyone could see I was unmistakably a boy.

I might understand after secondary sex characteristics appeared and I developed breasts and hips, but from my tomboy days?

I feel a little embarrassed.

The perspective changes rapidly, and soon I saw the 17-year-old me and Mikhail.

Mikhail carefully undoing the corset.

My pale neck and the spine running straight down below it.

And at the same time, my breasts swelling and my white skin revealed as each string is undone.

It was a captivating sight to anyone who saw it. It was almost screaming to be ravished.

Right now, I’m so aroused I’m swallowing saliva, so how did he hold back?

Was I that precious to him……

The scene changes again, showing us from a few months ago.

Mikhail saving me as I was slowly becoming isolated, bullied and hated.

Mikhail checking my food one by one, worried there might be poison.

Mikhail constantly sticking by my side and paying attention so that the maids’ petty bullying wouldn’t happen.

These are all things I didn’t know.

He always took care of me. Even in places I didn’t know about, Mikhail always took care of me.

After a few months had passed, the time after my father died.

I was crying. Guilt towards my father, resentment towards Mikhail, but at the same time, even anger towards myself for being unable to say a single word.

Spewing out all sorts of negative emotions, I was dying.

The people around me didn’t care about me at all. No, they even cursed me, saying it served me right and that I should die faster.

And this me,

Mikhail saves.

Even though it must have been extremely bothersome, he kept me by his side and took care of me,

holding me and calming me down every time I was tormented by hallucinations,

staying by my side while I groaned at night, saving me from nightmares.

Ah

It was all you

It was all you.

Loving me like this, protecting me and taking care of me,

staying up all night by my side, worried I wouldn’t be able to sleep,

hugging and comforting me when I was in pain,

continually giving love to me, who only received hatred.

It was all thanks to you.

The person who at least allowed me to endure.

It was all thanks to you.

It was all you.

Ah…..

Why did I only realize now?

When you had loved me so much.

The foolish me only now realizes.

And

I accept your love.

I love you Mikhail. I love you.

“Ah….”

The confession I finally utter now is so noble and glorious.

Something so beautiful, something so lovely and precious,

why didn’t I know?

“Gay bastard.”

From the empty space where the life review ended, another me appears.

Roughly cut short hair, chest tightly bound with bandages, even deeply tanned skin.

It was a figure embodying the ‘me’ as a man.

“Like? Bullshit.”

She crumples her face, truly disgusted.

She mercilessly denounces the me who loves Mikhail, reprimanding me that such a thing isn’t love.

Bullshit.

You?

You, who tremble with nightmares and hallucinations if left alone for even a few minutes,

You, who couldn’t let go of that damn masculinity and ended up causing this whole mess?

Shut up

Shut up, you bitch.

I approach her.

I stand before her, who is shamelessly cursing Mikhail left and right.

A knife, somehow grasped in my hand.

This is a chance. A chance to erase the leech that repeatedly interfered with Mikhail’s and my love.

If only I erase this,

there will be no more factors interfering with me.

So die

Die

Die-!!!!

Thud

—

I open my eyes. Still complete darkness.

After blinking a few times, my eyes gradually adjust to the darkness and show me the situation.

The strong smell of medicine and scent, even the murmuring of surprised people as I woke up.

I’m alive. Even though I ate poison, I was alive.

It’s a relief.

That I can convey my love to Mikhail.

That I can give the answer to his confession, even now,

It’s a relief…. It’s truly a relief…..

“Asha!!”

It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds since I woke up, but Mikhail came to me and took my hand.

Thanks to the warmth and affectionate touch from him, my chest tingles.

You’re still taking care of me, even on the day I dumped you in the most miserable way.

You haven’t abandoned me yet. You’re still caring about someone like me.

Could this be a miracle?

“Mikhail….”

I reach out my arms and embrace him. Mikhail is flustered by my sudden physical contact but readily accepts my embrace.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

Tears welled up at his utterly gentle tone.

“I’m sorry……”

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry for pretending not to know about your proposal and running away back then…..”

Feeling that something was unusual, Mikhail quickly dismissed the people. The many people quickly receded like a tide, leaving only Mikhail and me.

“Hmph….. I’m sorry…. Hmph….. I…. I shouldn’t have…. left you like that…..”

Tears fall drop by drop. Entrusting myself to the storm of emotions surging within me, I confess haltingly.

“I love…. ugh…. you…. Mikhail…. I love you….”

As an answer to a proposal, it is indeed a very, very late response. I finally give you the answer that I should have given immediately when Mikhail confessed to me.

“Hmph…. I love…. Hmph…. I love you…. Soooo….. Hmph…. don’t leave meee…..”

I hug Mikhail more tightly and cling to him.

Me, who cannot be sane for even a single moment if not by your side,

Me, who dumped you after giving you unnecessary leeway and cruelly tormenting you with false hope,

Please don’t abandon me.

Please….

Please…..

How long did I cry, held in his arms like that?

Only after the fierce torrent of emotions gradually subsided, Mikhail released me.

“Are you okay now?”

“…. M-hmm….”

“I’m not sure what to say first….. but I’m not leaving you.”

“But you were….. hugging some woman in the garden….. Hmph….. You’re dating that woman….”

Thinking about it made me feel like crying again, so I buried my face in Mikhail’s chest. His steady heartbeat from his firm chest seemed to calm me down.

“That woman? What woman are you talking about?”

“That blonde woman….. She was really pretty…..”

Mikhail didn’t seem to recall immediately even after that, tilting his head a few times asking, “That blonde woman?”

“Surely you’re not talking about Queen Jadwiga?”

“As I thought, you’re dating that woman…..”

“No! Absolutely not! To begin with, that woman is married, and what you saw back then was just me being friendly due to diplomatic issues.”

As I became even more dejected, Mikhail hastily offered explanations, as if something was so urgent.

“I only have you…. This was an unchanging truth and will be the truth. There is truly no other woman with whom I would share my entire life, but you.”

“Ugh…. Uuut….”

And then he spouted cheesy lines left and right. It was outrageous that he was trying to get away with words after doing something wrong, but I decided to overlook it this time.

‘He said he’s never dated anyone, so where does he find words like that?’

Is it really true that he only loved me? Unnecessary doubt arises.

“Thank you truly….. truly for accepting my proposal…. Asha…. Thank you truly.”

But regardless, Mikhail hugs me tightly with a genuinely joyful expression.

“I swear I will only love you for my entire life. I love you Asha, I truly love you.”

“I….. me toooo…..”

With his continuous declarations of love, my face felt hot, to the point where I mistakenly thought I might burst.

“I love you.”

*Peck*

He overlapped his lips with mine. Immediately followed by a deep kiss.

If it were before, I would have stopped him here, but I didn’t refuse and continued to accept his touch.

Because this is the only thing the utterly useless me can do for him…..

“Ah…. Please don’t hurt me…..”

Mikhail laughed softly without a word and kissed me again.

His kiss was exceedingly gentle.