episode_0036

**

Lee Ha-yoon, second year university student. She had a secret relationship with her younger brother, Lee Han-sol, and was unable to break it off, so she continued this relationship. In the meantime, I had many conflicts with my younger brother while talking about various things.

At first, let’s enjoy what we have to do anyway. With that thought in mind, I joined Hansol. He knew that Hansol wouldn’t let him go anyway, so the reason he gave his heart away may have been to avoid this situation. At the time when I was trying to turn away and run away, the clashes gradually became more frequent after I heard that I had received a confession in mid-March.

Anyway, if I wait 3 years, no, if I wait 1 year, I will go to the military. I tried to hold on with this thought, but my emotions were gradually wearing off. However, since they were inseparable, there was no option to cut them off.

His younger brother, Hansol, knew that well and took advantage of it. The best solution to coaxing people and making them do exactly what you say is to cut off ties, but since it is a relationship that cannot be cut off, I easily fell into it.

Hayun was swayed by her younger brother. When you get angry, why do you get angry in the first place? I had a question. When he realized that Hansol’s anger was increasingly directed at him, he wondered if he had done something wrong. The thought changed. The moment the suspicion turned from Hansol to herself, she was falling. But she herself didn’t know.

Why do we have to talk about such confessions? Before I knew it, I was thinking, “Ah, it’s strange that we don’t talk even though we’re in this kind of relationship.” I started to understand this on my own, and it was definitely something that I could react sensitively to when I tried to become deeply involved in Hayoon’s friendship, but is it normal to worry like that about Hansol’s urgings? I was convinced.

Every time Hansol urged her more and more, Hayun began to look for the cause in herself, and the time spent in silence was getting longer and longer. Did I do something wrong today? I began to think, and also looked back on my actions to see if I had been too sensitive.

Recently, Hansol dismissed Hayoon’s attitude of caring about her parents, who had been visiting for a long time, as ‘sensitive,’ so she also changed her attitude towards that. Every time Hansol pointed out an attitude that didn’t need to be changed, I kept my mouth shut and nodded, thinking, ‘Is that so?’ or ‘Maybe I was thinking wrong.’

She said the obvious things like that and took the non-obvious words for granted, so she couldn’t properly set the boundaries between what was obvious and what wasn’t. I just started to follow what Hansol said as if it were natural, thinking, ‘That’s right.’

As I was becoming more and more devastated, Hansol suddenly spoke up first. Let’s focus on studying for the time being. Hayun, who heard those words, nodded and agreed to Hansol’s words. Still, Hansol not only lusts after his own body, but he also worries about me. I wanted to. However, in early April, when nothing was being done and conversations were becoming rare, as the exam was approaching, Hayun found Hansol in a helpless state.

Hayun stayed still and then spoke, thinking that she should think of Hansol as much as Hansol thought of her. It was time to concentrate on studying, but I thought I could accept that much.

However, I felt burdened because the topic was heavier than I thought. Seeing that he was having such a hard time right now, I felt like no matter what I said, it wouldn’t work.

What should I say to Hansol, who says she has no friends and can’t study? After contemplating for several minutes, Hayun finally opened her mouth. Still, there were times when Hansol got angry at him, but he still thought that it was for his own good and spit out words of comfort.

“… Are you having a hard time these days? Is there anything I can do for you?”

The professors at the school were so cruel that there was no genealogy or anything like that on the test, but the professor didn’t change so I knew what I wanted. So, Hayun spoke to him with the idea that she, as a senior at a school and a senior in the department, would teach him about studying.

To be honest, being friends at school isn’t that important, but I chose my words because I thought it wasn’t something I would say to my younger brother who was distressed about not having any friends right now. Still, I brought it up in the hope that I might become a little more motivated if my grades went up. In the first place, since there was no communication for the past few days, I had no idea what Hansol was worried about.

I didn’t know because I was studying, but it would have been nice if I had known in advance. I thought: I wanted to make an excuse that I was too busy studying because I spent too much time hanging out with Hansol, but I couldn’t say anything for fear of making the atmosphere unpleasant.

After Hayun spoke and waited for Hansol to speak for a while, Hansol sighed repeatedly and spoke weakly.

“I don’t know. It’s just that it’s hard. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it these days, thinking about what I’m doing with my sister, and I’ve thought about it from my sister’s perspective, and I understand why she’s been reacting like that, so I’m thinking about just committing suicide.”

Hansol sighed, saying something he didn’t even mean to say. Hayun was wondering what happened to Hansol, but nothing happened to Hansol. It was just a relationship that was reserved for this moment. Here was the reason why there was no conversation, why there was no relationship.

When suicide was mentioned, Hayun’s eyes did not stop shaking. As soon as she heard the word suicide, Hayun’s head turned white and she couldn’t understand why the word came out so suddenly.

Are you really thinking about suicide, or is it just a metaphor? After thinking for a moment, Hayun managed to prevent her hair from turning white and spoke cautiously. Words to understand Hansol’s intentions.

“There is a reason why I suddenly feel that way… ? Well, it’s just a relationship we’ve had between ourselves.”

But that intention was easily aborted. Since there was no reason for Hansol to get caught up in Hayun’s pace, Hansol just apologized and apologized for his mistake. He recited that it was his fault and that he would take responsibility for it.

“I was wrong. Thank you for always listening to me, and I’m sorry for everything. I knew my sister didn’t like it, but I wanted to continue.”

“No, no.”

Contrary to what she expected, Hayoon, who saw Hansol apologizing helplessly, forgot what she was trying to understand and instead got caught up in Hansol’s pace.

It was right that Hansol forced the relationship that Hayun tried to stop in the middle, as she faced social issues, ethical issues, and realistic barriers first. However, it was a natural result that Hayun was involved from the moment the keyword suicide was mentioned. As a result, Hayoon reflexively denied Hansol’s words due to Hansol’s continued self-blame and the growing atmosphere.

Hayoon, who momentarily denied Hansol’s words, thought. Is it really not Hansol’s fault? However, since it was not a question of right or wrong, I added that I was not.

“It’s not like that so it’s okay.”

The more she denied Hansol’s words, the more doubts she had in her mind were erased. Has it really never happened like that? Before I knew it, I thought, yes, even if I were to worry about that now, I didn’t think the situation would get better.

“I did it because I liked it, so there’s no reason to feel that way.”

They say that the more a lie is repeated, the more it becomes the truth. As she tried to deny it to Hansol with all her heart for a short period of time, Hayoon found herself lying to herself over and over again without her knowledge.

“… … .”

When Hansol’s expression began to relax a little, Hayun was finally able to continue speaking with relief.

“Ha, yes. There are many reasons why I decided not to do it… I don’t think that’s a reason for you to feel guilty.”

Hayun, who sighed in relief, held Hansol’s hand and spoke diligently to calm her brother down. Hansol’s expression, which was gradually calming down, stopped at some point. The look on his face as if he was thinking about something again and the sigh that came out continued to tug at Hayun’s heart.

Hayun wonders if it’s because of Hansol’s mood that he continues to look anxious. I thought about this and bit my lower lip. I was glad that they thought about it from my perspective, but on the other hand, I didn’t really want it to make me depressed and even think about suicide. I sighed and made eye contact with Hansol again.

Black hair that had never been dyed came into view, and black eyes, different from Hayun’s light brown eyes, made eye contact with Hayun’s. He seemed to have lost his life, and his eyes were already weak.

As I worry again and again, I wonder if Hayun is my fault again? I had a question. Did you keep pushing yourself away like this? I also got that feeling. Recently, she had been questioning her own memories, so naturally the questions turned to herself.

I don’t remember. But that’s not what he did. It has not been proven. It was a thought and judgment that came from having already experienced it before. Hayun, who had been thinking for a while, closed her mouth and moaned as if in pain.

Maybe there was something I said last time that I don’t remember. I also had this thought. Since this happened without me knowing anything, I couldn’t remember what happened before. I was becoming increasingly unsure of myself. As a result, the expression on her face was not very good.

“I’m sorry if I ever said something that bothered you.”

There was a corner that stung. Since it wasn’t something she didn’t say completely, she opened her mouth as if looking back and reflecting on her actions. It seemed like it was a trigger somewhere and gave Hansol time to think, and I was a little worried that I had broken Hansol’s heart for no reason.

I thought the relationship would have ended soon after 3 years anyway, so I didn’t think it was a problem that would get this deep. But it was a problem that came to an end in the end, and I was just wondering how to solve it.

After repeatedly thinking about it, he apologized, and Hansol was blank for a moment before carefully opening his mouth.

“… no. It’s my fault, right?”

At first, Hansol thought he had taken the bait. But I thought it was risky to take a quick bite here, and I wanted to evoke a little more guilt. He hoped his older sister would feel a little more guilty and have a sense of duty toward him.

Hayun looked at Hansol with mixed feelings, unaware of Hansol’s troubled feelings. The sight of Hansol reprimanding himself was mixed with anxiety, wishing he had held back a little longer even as he said, “That’s right.” It was a relationship that was going to end anyway, and time passed the same way anyway, so I also regretted why I had rushed it so much.

“No, over there… Well, our relationship is a bit like that. Relationships that are not permitted.”

Hayun made her fortune like that. Hansol wondered what his sister would say and lowered his head slightly, maintaining a gloomy expression.

As Hansol stayed quiet like that, Hayun finally seemed to have made up her mind and spoke.

“In the eyes of others, it is a relationship that will definitely be criticized, if your parents find out, your family will be ruined, and if it is revealed to society, you will definitely not be able to live a normal life. Then we won’t be able to live proudly, and we’ll become fugitives who have to avoid the eyes of people who find out about our relationship. So, that’s what I wanted to say.”

Hayun swallowed her saliva. Although he spoke about what he thought of this relationship, it was not his intention to argue that he should break off this relationship. All I could do was give a reason why I had no choice but to treat Hansol like that.

Life is long and there is a long way to go. But I didn’t want to live the life of a fugitive there. That’s why I wanted to avoid getting caught as early as possible.

Even so, the label attached to you will certainly not disappear. The biggest fear was that they did not know when their view of incest would be revealed. I knew how disgusting the word incest was. It was natural to try to turn a blind eye to that fact once you were a party to it.

Hansol tried to cover up the fact in the name of love, avert his eyes, and pretend not to know, and Hayoon wanted to turn a blind eye even though she knew, giving herself over to pleasure, but when she realized that she had no choice but to face it in the end, she began to learn more about this relationship. I thought deeply.

If she met another man and he found out about this, he might call her a slut, call her a crazy bitch, or call her disgusting. It was scary and not something I wanted to be known for. I thought that if that truth was going to be revealed, it might be better if I had met many men before.

The fact that it was revealed that she had a lot of boyfriends could have been dismissed as just being popular, but incest was a completely different issue.

However, in the end, even though she knew that fact and expected that it would be the end if she was caught, she could not stop. I added words to hold on to my younger brother who looked like he was going to collapse at any moment.

“But, I didn’t want to burden you with this problem. So don’t think like that. The family that is more important to me than my parents is you.”

As she spent more time with Hansol than with her parents, Hayoon’s most important family member was her younger brother, Hansol. Therefore, it was unthinkable for him to commit suicide. If she left it like that, she might actually collapse.

Hansol listened carefully, and Hayun swallowed her saliva and barely continued speaking.

“I will definitely keep the time I promised you. Yes, I will listen carefully to what you say so you don’t feel anxious.”

Hayun moved her trembling lips as she truly thought about her younger brother. Hansol was listening to those words with a serious expression, but inside he was enjoying this moment with the corners of his mouth raised.