episode_0034

Sometimes, I have dreams.

The past scenes that come without any warning have vivid colors. When colors are added to the monochrome past, I am granted the right that was lost to me. Then, I experience the pain of thoughts getting tangled in a very unfamiliar phenomenon.

In these moments, my heart beats violently.

On one hand, the blood in my body cools down and heats up repeatedly.

Instead of just thinking, I am engulfed in the urge to scream in a past where I rarely even spoke.

“My son, how can he be so beautiful?”

“Why does the child look at me with such disgust, like a doll?”

“One thing born from the ruined gambler and the prostitute…”

“I wish they would all just disappear. Seeing them is my only wish.”

“I would rather wish to live a long life in a rotten bottom.”

“That child’s very existence is a sin. Will anyone have the courage to kill him?”

Numerous daggers fly towards me from my mother, father, and strangers, piercing my chest. Next, they stab my head, then my lower abdomen and neck evenly.

It hurts.

The wish for my suffering family to die at the same time gathers and turns into a desire for death. And their desires touch my soul excellently. In a world dressed in the same colors as others, that was how it was.

A heart that was not worn down by any evil suddenly had a loose tear drop down.

“Ugh…”

It was emotion.

A very ordinary emotion, no different from any passerby.

The key to restoring the colors of this world was exactly that.

“… Ugh. Huh…”

My vision blurs.

The world blurred by tears becomes so dreamlike that everything around me becomes hazy.

The five-year-old child sits on the floor, hunching over like a beetle. Then, with a voice that is barely audible, he utters a cry that is unclear to whom it is addressed.

“It hurts…”

My heart, head, limbs, lower abdomen and neck, they all hurt terribly.

“The eyes of people, their cruel words, their actions… it hurts too much.”

What did I do wrong?

Just by being born, it feels like every curse in this world is meant for me.

“I don’t want to live.”

[Hurry up and die.]

“It’s too painful.”

[Compared to what we’ve been through.]

“It’s too sad and lonely.”

[It’s just a cheap punishment.]

Tears burst out.

Like hot water rising up from inside my vocal cords, my pronunciation becomes hoarse.

“It feels like the world hates us. That’s why I can’t live.”

[It’s only natural for someone like you to be hated, right?]

“But I don’t want to die… I’m scared.”

[Then live. Endure the pain for the rest of your life.]

It’s a living hell.

It was the true face of the world surrounding me.

You – live in evil.

You – die as an outcast.

A life forced into evil by the demands of the world.

How can I escape from the eternal prison where I can never be happy?

I already know the answer to the problem.

Yes, I have been ignoring the golden rule of an answer that anyone can understand.

The suppressed feelings of original sin finally burst out.

“What if I destroy everything?”

[…]

“If I destroy the people, the world, who persecute me so painfully and relentlessly… would it be okay for me to live?”

The silent answer tacitly agrees with the question.

Perhaps because it is the right answer.

The world that had regained its colors is tainted with a dirty hue.

I instinctively distinguish the colors of emotions.

Hatred. No, it was even higher than that – it was loathing.

Now, none of it matters.

If I can forget the pain through solitude, that would be good as well.

Let’s burn this world, all of it, in a raging fire.

Let me hate the world that hates me too.

Eye for an eye. Tooth for a tooth. Hatred for hatred.

Let’s create a world burning with flames.

It was when I conjured up fluffy clouds in my palm.

“Hush.”

Suddenly, a warm presence enveloped my back. At the same time, dark hair flowed like waves below my shoulders.

It was a woman.

A woman whose face was not visible.

She wore ancient noble attire.

“Poor child.”

She whispered tenderly as if reciting a poem.

“Also, my beloved child.”

Her transparently white hand covered my eyes. In the midst of darkness, she spoke.

“Let all the bad emotions flow into me. For the world you must live in.”

I felt weak.

As consciousness faded, hatred waned.

“Can you feel a ray of hope coming to you like a miracle?”

Gradually becoming numb to the insults directed at me, the world turned monochrome once again.

“Love and be loved, my child. Then surely, your beautiful world will come into being.”

Finally, a ray of light poured into the darkness.

In the awakening consciousness, the fading voice of the woman reached me tenderly.

“Someday, you will have no choice but to love this harmonious world.”

“How can you be so sure…?”

As I reluctantly asked, she spoke her final words.

“Because that’s the light I called upon.”

Forgetfulness blessed me.

Emotions I had felt vanished, and the brief conversation with the woman was filled with emptiness.

A cascade of light.

Dazzling light gently touched my eyelids.

And so, I slowly opened my eyes.

In the morning light racing through the dawn.

“Whoa?”

A familiar voice.

A sudden mysterious connection that opened its mouth nonchalantly.

“Did I wake you up? Opening the carriage door…”

“How long did I sleep?”

“You didn’t sleep long. About an hour?”

“I have no words, even if I had ten mouths. A supposed escort being so defenseless…”

How did I make such a ridiculous mistake?

As I lamented, Serin closed one eye slightly and defended herself against self-blame.

“I was fine, right? Finally giving a knee pillow to Lian… patting his head… hehe.”

“From now on, I’ll have to refuse many requests for Serin’s sake.”

That’s right.

It was a mistake that stemmed from Serin’s suggestion to lie down on her knee.

I should have refused, but a few words later, I fell asleep without realizing it.

During my decision, Serin’s face stiffened in an instant.

“Where is that…?”

“It must be clearly written in the Imperial Knight Code.”

“Is the Knight Code higher in priority than the princess’s orders?”

“Officially, no, but personally, it might be.”

“That’s absurd…”

What was truly absurd was the orphan who slept on the princess’s lap.

Even knowing that, Serin’s warmth felt like a kind of salvation.

As long as I wore a mask to hide my face,

As long as I used the alias of Rihard,

I could be grateful for Serin’s kindness.

How did such a person come into existence?

To an evil man proclaimed by society, she unconditionally showed kindness.

While I only did menial tasks for her.

In the completely unbalanced relationship, I sometimes felt anxious.

Serin could abandon me at any time, and being rejected by her would make me utterly miserable.

The same would be true if Roderick and Estelle left. But Serin’s case was subtly different from the two.

It feels like solving an unsolvable riddle when I keep pondering.

I have no choice but to stick with it until I clearly reveal the essence of my dilemma.

At least until my true identity is revealed.

“Hey, Lian. Are you really going to ignore me? Huh?”

“I wonder.”

“Seriously. You can’t lie that you hate me, making things difficult for people.”

“I am in a difficult position as well.”

“Then I’ll make it even more difficult. I’ll push you to the edge. I didn’t plan on being like this if you just said you wouldn’t ignore me.”

“…”

Despite being accommodating, she was truly a frightening person. Without using a malicious tone, how could she make people’s hearts grow cold like this?

Regardless, it seems like I will never win against Serin in my lifetime.

“I will withdraw. I will listen to Serin’s words sincerely.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes.”

“Hmph, if Lian is that sincere. First…”

At this point, I already had a hunch.

It was time to repeat the pattern she had grown tired of.

Thus, we exchanged predetermined questions and unchanging answers.

“Shall we take off the mask?”

“No.”

Being bluntly rejected, Serin let out a low sigh.

“Anyway.”

Serin expressed her regret with a disappointed look in her eyes.

“It’s not easy.”

It was hard to agree.

That was the message I wanted to convey to Serin.

I silently handed her the hand mirror I had been holding onto for a while.

◇

We arrived at the center of the Karnan Kingdom after about seven weeks of travel from the capital.

After being welcomed by the kingdom, we entered the palace.

While Serin showed no signs of fatigue with her monstrous stamina, the attendants were different. Therefore, the kingdom instructed thorough management to relieve their fatigue.

During this time, while the empire’s officials were resting, the palace was quite busy. As it was a reception for welcoming the empire’s ambassadors, preparations for a grand banquet were in full swing.

Although Serin did not show it outwardly, she seemed quite satisfied.

Friendly diplomatic relations.

The atmosphere of the palace that valued guests.

The sunny weather.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly.

Little did we know.

In what we thought was a perfect reception, the Karnan Kingdom made a diplomatic blunder.

Even during the crowded banquet with officials from both the empire and the kingdom.

“You…! What on earth have you brought here!?”

The frantic cry of a woman echoed in all directions.

It was the outburst of Karnan Kingdom’s factor – Princess Kanarin Lupentel.

“Why, why is this person here…!!! Ugh…?!”

The princess’s breach of etiquette soon came to an end.

She staggered as if she had suddenly become dizzy, then collapsed and fainted on the floor of the banquet hall.

It was a mysterious twist of fate.