episode_0034
by fnovelpiaThe cold tea was bitter. I put the teacup back down.
“What happened after that?”
“That’s what it should be like.”
Deacon Sophia asked in a dry voice. Her face was streaked with tears. I turned my head away from her.
“… I survived. Like this.”
“How….”
“Only after the enemy’s artillery fire ended did friendly artillery support begin belatedly. It was at that time that the brigade’s urgently dispatched reinforcements arrived.”
It was truly late and unwelcome support for me.
The shock of witnessing Helena’s death with my own eyes. The fragments of flesh and bone scattered everywhere, that cursed memory still comes to mind vividly.
At that time, I was lost in it and wandering between reality and delusion. In that situation, after hearing the news that reinforcements had arrived to save us… .
I, I am….
“Can you imagine how I felt back then?”
The first emotion I felt was relief.
A deep sense of relief that comes from knowing that a path to survival has opened up, that my body has secured the safety of life it instinctively seeks.
What followed was a feeling of resentment at being so late. And then a feeling of nausea that made me want to rip off my own skin.
It was disgusting. I couldn’t stand myself because I was so disgusted. Helena lost her life trying to save the wounded. But I felt like I was committing an unforgivable sin by feeling relieved just because I found a way to live on my own.
Yes, I might have wanted to live. But I wanted to deny that fact with all my might.
I wanted to die. I lied to myself like that.
But the disgusting truth that was finally revealed.
“In the end, I wanted to live. That human being.”
I eventually turned my eyes away from her death, even if only for a moment.
Helena had already crossed the river of death, but I was still desperately longing for the intangible existence called life. That fact was unbearably disgusting.
“Due to the events of that day, I suffered a serious injury to my right shoulder.”
“If you are seriously injured… .”
“Last time, when I stopped Father Giovanni, didn’t my right arm shake violently?”
Most of the shell fragments that had lodged in his shoulder were removed, but those that were too deeply embedded could not be removed.
“That’s why. If you use divine power, your arms will be severely strained.”
It wasn’t just cramps, it was excruciating pain that made me feel like my arms were going to snap.
“This may be a punishment given to me because I was relieved that I was alive.”
“… No.”
“This is my punishment. I have decided to think of it that way.”
Let us live with the guilt we committed against her. Let us live, even if only for a moment, paying the price for insulting Helena’s noble sacrifice.
If I had taken Helena with me. If I hadn’t left her alone in the battalion command post.
If that had been the case, I might have been able to survive.
So, I am also responsible for her death. I will pay the price.
That’s what I promised myself.
Deacon Sophia, who had been listening to me, grabbed my collar and started yelling.
“It is natural for a living human being to be happy when you see the hope of living. Your High Priest. It is just a human survival instinct… .”
“Isn’t it cruel to say that it’s a given?”
She twitched her dry lips. She raised the stiff corners of her mouth and tried to force a smile.
But, seeing Deacon Sophia cry while looking at me like that, it seemed like even that wasn’t going well.
“It’s a magical language that can excuse anything. It was natural. It’s something close to instinct, something that can’t be helped… .”
“That’s not it… .”
“I don’t know anymore.”
I looked out at the balcony next to my bed. Suddenly, I had a strong urge to jump over the railing.
“… Now, I really don’t know.”
I looked at it silently. The window of the balcony that accepted my gaze reflected the image of myself that I did not want to see.
My face reflected there was extremely pitiful. It felt like looking at a dried-up mummy. Beyond that, the twinkling lights of the system evoked some kind of emotion.
“I miss you so much. If only I could see that smile again… . If only you would show up in front of me and tell me it wasn’t my fault… .”
The name of that feeling was longing. A collection of overwhelming longings appeared through the window, as if reflecting my heart in a mirror.
“Really, I feel like I can do anything.”
I stared at that resentment for a long time in silence, unable to be grasped even when trying to grasp it with my hands.
Tears flowed from my eyes. I let them flow silently. I could feel the hem of my pants getting wet where the tears fell.
Why am I so sad? Is it simply because I lost Helena?
No. It wasn’t a level of sadness that could be defined so simply and clearly.
This is a trial that sinners must naturally go through. There is no reason to be sad.
If I have to mourn the loss of you, I will mourn.
If I had felt relief that I was alive, I would live with that guilt for the rest of my life.
That’s what a time of loss is like.
Something that makes a sane person wear chains that are hard to shake off, something that becomes a prison that always weighs down the body, making the person a prisoner without shackles.
The chains were regret, emptiness, and a future that had turned to ash.
This prisoner’s chains are so intricate and strong that no one else can free them.
The chain was locked tight, and none of the other guards had the keys.
The guard is me.
A strange chain to which I hold the key, and which can be released when an intangible condition is met.
No one knows the conditions. It doesn’t just require courage. The name of the key is Compromise with the Past.
“I… . I don’t know. It seems like it’s all my fault. So… .”
I vowed to myself that I would carry these chains for the rest of my life.
“… … .”
The expression on the face of Deacon Sophia, who had been silently listening to me, slowly distorted. Her expression, filled with sadness, anger, and regret, was directed at me.
“Are you satisfied with that, Priest?”
“Deacon Sophia. I am an unforgivable body.”
Deacon Sophia clenched her fists. Her fists, which were neatly placed on her knees, were trembling.
“So, what did you go out for today… .”
“… … .”
“What on earth made you go out today… . You said you had plans tomorrow… .”
“… It was my mistake. I’m sorry. ”
“What kind of misunderstanding is this?”
“The illusion that you can be forgiven.”
I looked down at Deacon Sophia without saying a word. She, too, looked up at me without saying a word.
We stared at each other like that for a long time, how much time had passed?
“I am… .”
My mouth opened on its own. The sincerity that had welled up inside me was directed at her.
“I was… . just scared.”
“… What were you afraid of?”
“Fear of the first time… . Fear of everything that is experienced for the first time… .”
Even though I desperately wanted change, I was afraid of the uncertain future that change would bring.
A future where the guilt over Helena’s death disappears. I was so afraid of that that I couldn’t bear it. My true feelings were telling me so.
“That was scary.”
The silence continued for a long time. It was heartbreaking to see Deacon Sophia sobbing and wiping away tears.
The ticking of the clock began to sound like it was urging me to break this silence.
Swish—.
It was then that Deacon Sophia, who had been looking at me silently, suddenly turned her hand toward my head.
“My hair is all messed up. I took the time to style it nicely.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I told you that apologizing is prohibited.”
“… … .”
“You were going to apologize again?”
I turned my head without saying a word. Then, Deacon Sophia poked my side with her finger.
“It tickles.”
“Yes, sir.”
Deacon Sophia, who had ignored my words, stopped poking me in the ribs and continued speaking.
“Can you tell me what appointment you have tomorrow?”
“… I was going to attend the reunion hosted by Lieutenant Colonel Mayhem.”
“Ah… .”
We fell silent again. I drank my cold tea in one gulp, and Deacon Sophia just fiddled with her cold cup.
“Father Antonelli.”
Deacon Sophia opened her mouth again. Her voice was trembling greatly.
“Aren’t you interested in attending that veterans’ meeting?”
“I was planning to attend. But… .”
Thanks to Father Peter and Master Moritz, I was able to gain some courage.
Now I don’t know either. I feel like today’s outing was a waste of time, and I feel sorry for Deacon Sophia.
“I didn’t know that making up my mind to change would be this hard. It wasn’t something that could be done with courage alone.”
“So, you don’t want to attend that veterans’ meeting anymore?”
“… It’s not that I don’t want to attend.”
However, I wondered if I could dare go there.
Can I be among those whose bitter wounds have already healed? Can I dare to associate with them?
Wouldn’t Helena resent me for looking at this?
“Um… .”
After hearing what I said, Deacon Sophia thought about it carefully, then tilted her head and asked me.
“Will that be okay?”
“… Yes?”
“The chief priest is more than qualified to be there.”
It was a recognition. It was a warm word that acknowledged that I could stand with Colonel Mayhem and others who had overcome their wounds.
“You’ve dressed up so nicely today… . Isn’t it a shame to not go out?”
“I am… .”
“Don’t say anything about sinning. At least not until tomorrow.”
I didn’t answer. I just lowered my head and stared at the dregs of cheap black tea left in my cup.
“I don’t know if I can give you this advice. I didn’t experience the pain of the Great War firsthand.”
“… … .”
“The reason you didn’t tell me until now is because there must have been something I don’t know about. But that’s not the point.”
Deacon Sophia stroked my hand. I felt the warmth from her hand spread down my arm.
“The important thing is… . You trusted me and told me this. Just by this, the head priest has changed greatly. He has taken a step forward.”
Something came up to me with a thud. My shoulders shook, and something hot like a lump of red-hot iron ran down my cheek.
“So, now it’s time to take the second step.”
The words of Deacon Sophia. Words that could melt even a little the lock on the frozen chain.
“Chief Priest. Don’t go on such a long journey alone. You’ll be lonely if you go alone.”
“Bb… .”
“Trust everyone and move forward together. Your Excellency, Priest.”
“Ugh, ugh… !”
It was so warm… .
Even though the sun hadn’t come, and even though I wasn’t wearing expensive fur coats.
I was able to obtain great warmth.
Deacon Sophia closed her eyes. The clear tears that had been gathering in her eyes fell down, and her hands, which had become the destination of the tears, were gathered together reverently. I followed her, and gathered my trembling and unsightly hands neatly.
Finally, Deacon Sophia opened her mouth.
“The Lord said… .”
If you need the courage to pick the fruits that bloom there, because of the seeds that were sown on the thorny path.
Benedict, do not be sad. If you are to walk on a path of thorns, I will be the first to trample on them.
If you walk down a dark path, I will go first and be your light.
If you walk across the burning desert of that distant land of Samadhan, I will let my water jug quench your thirst and be your companion.
So, don’t be sad.
That’s what he said.
“1 Benedict, Chapter 8, Verse 18.”
Just as when exposed to sunlight, the pure white snow melts and becomes even harder.
Deacon Sophia’s words may have made me a little stronger.
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