episode_0027
by fnovelpiaThe restaurant is deserted and quiet. It’s almost as if I’m wondering if I should even be here.
I entered the restaurant in a daze and sat down at a table as far away from the window as possible. I saw the waiter approaching me.
“I’d like to take your order. What would you like?”
“Um… .”
I stared at the menu on the table. It had been so long since I had eaten out that I had no idea what to eat.
As I waited too long to choose a menu, the waiter gave an awkward smile and turned away.
“Please let me know when the menu is decided~.”
“… Over there.”
The employee stopped walking and looked back at me. I avoided her eyes and asked.
“What is the best-selling menu here?”
Then, the employee who had been smiling bashfully turned around and approached the table. The faint smell of food tickled my nose.
“Here, the seafood stir-fried rice is the best… . It might be a bit much for the priest to eat alone. So… .”
“Is it delicious?”
“… Yes?”
“Seafood stir-fried rice. Is this the most delicious and best-selling menu?”
The waiter nodded. I said, turning away from the menu.
“Then, please give me this.”
“There must be a lot of sheep… .”
“There is one person in the group. So, it’s okay.”
“Aha. Okay. What would you like to drink?”
“… Just give me water.”
The waiter moved away. I pushed the menu to the corner of the table and leaned back in my chair.
“Hoo… .”
Because of the bad things that happened yesterday, I still feel uneasy. Even though I told Father Camilla harshly, I don’t feel relieved, and I’m just filled with a vague sense of melancholy.
I came here today to meet someone, but if I didn’t have an appointment, I would have just stayed in the dorm and smoked a bunch of cigarettes.
I took the Bible out of my bosom. I was tempted to smoke a cigarette, but I remembered Deacon Sophia, who was choking on the smoke, and I looked around for no reason.
How long has it been since I started reading the Bible like that?
“Oh, you’re here.”
I heard a strange voice that was familiar, yet somehow unfamiliar. I closed my Bible and raised my head.
“Colonel Mayhem.”
“Now you’re a reserve colonel… .”
It was Colonel Mayhem. He was now retired with the rank of Colonel, but I was much more familiar with Colonel Mayhem.
Lieutenant Colonel Mayhem, sitting across from me, had a cigarette in his mouth and was searching for matches. I stared blankly at him.
Looking at me like that, Colonel Mayhem smirked.
“You’re not saying anything.”
“Yes?”
“Before, didn’t my face rot away even if I just put a cigarette in my mouth? You said you hated the smell of cigarettes.”
“… It was a long time ago.”
“Yeah. It was a long time ago. I used to always speak politely to you.”
“We weren’t that close back then, so there was nothing I could do.”
“Yeah, that’s right… . That’s how it used to be.”
Silence fell. After struggling for a while to find a match, Colonel Mayhem soon gave up smoking and put the cigarette back in his pack.
“What about the food? Have you already ordered it?”
“Already ordered.”
“Is this the menu? Hmm… Seafood stir-fried rice?”
“Yes. Don’t you like seafood?”
“Well… . Father Antonelli. You know that?”
Colonel Mayhem sighed. I looked at him in silence.
“I’m telling you. I haven’t had seafood in my mouth since the war ended.”
“Is that so?”
“Isn’t that strange? I couldn’t eat it before because it wasn’t there. Strangely, I don’t think about seafood.”
There was a moment of silence. As the attendant happened to bring me a jug and cup of water, I silently poured water for Colonel Mayhem and myself.
“Thank you.”
Lieutenant Mayhem drank the cold water that filled the cup in one gulp, as if hoping that the water flowing down his throat would soothe his bitter stomach.
He put down his cup with a much better expression. When I poured him another glass, he drank it down again and again.
I couldn’t read the emotions in his eyes. They were thick and complicated, tangled. Colonel Mayhem muttered as if he was sighing.
“As time goes by, as I get older… I feel like I’ve really changed a lot. Time just sucks.”
“Isn’t that the case for everyone?”
“Yeah. No one can turn back time. But… .”
Colonel Mayhem smiled bitterly. His left arm, which was propped up on the table, looked lonely. I looked away from Colonel Mayhem’s limp right sleeve.
“Compared to other people, time seems to pass a little faster for us.”
“… Did you leave your prosthetic hand behind?”
“What. What’s wrong with meeting you? ”
“Still… .”
During the Great War, the battalion command post was bombed. From that day on, Lieutenant Colonel Mayhem became a one-armed cripple.
As I made a subtle expression, Colonel Mayhem laughed heartily.
“Hahaha! I’m fine, don’t worry too much. I’m used to using my left arm now.”
“… … .”
“By the way, I almost died back then. But it ended with just my arm being cut off. I was lucky.”
“… Colonel Mayhem.”
At that moment, it was hard to hold back something that was welling up inside me. It felt like a stone was stuck in my throat. I took a sip of water and continued speaking.
“Colonel Mayhem, it seems like you’re still full of energy.”
“Hahaha… . What the… .”
Lieutenant Colonel Mayhem, who had been awkwardly smiling and pretending not to know anything for a moment, soon turned his head and looked elsewhere and spoke.
“Actually, that wasn’t the case.”
His eyes sparkled as he looked at the distant mountains. I couldn’t tell if it was because his eyes were moist or because the light on the table was shining on them. I slowly turned my head away from him.
“Back in the old days, I really… . I drank alcohol every single day. I really thought I was going crazy.”
“Is that so?”
“My wife cries whenever she sees me, the kids are now grown enough to be enrolled in academy, and they’re awkward at doing things with their left hands… . The royal family is giving me a generous pension, so I’m really grateful that I don’t have to worry about money.”
Your pension is also coming in well, isn’t it? Colonel Mayhem looked back at me.
“I don’t know about the priests in the rear, but I heard that the priests who served at the front lines received decent pensions?
“Well, I’ve never checked my account, so I’m not sure.”
“Oh my… . Aren’t you wasting your money? Go to the bank and check soon.”
“… I don’t know if I should spend that money.”
Lieutenant Mayhem took a deep breath. I ignored him and continued speaking.
“If that money was really money I earned through legitimate work, then it wouldn’t matter… . I… .”
“… Priest Antonelli.”
“I feel like a sinner. I should have followed Lieutenant Mayhem and stayed in the Empire. I went to the Holy Land for no reason and ended up in a bad situation… .”
“But because of Helena?”
I looked at Colonel Mayhem. His eyes were still hard to read. Maybe it was because he had been in the military for so long.
“It’s not just because of that.”
“That’s why I’m saying that too.”
“Colonel Mayhem.”
“Please stop sending me now.”
I clenched my fists. Colonel Mayhem didn’t even bat an eyelash.
“You should probably get married and have children by now. Helena will be sad to see you like this.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Father Antonelli. I mean… If I didn’t have a family, how would I have endured that hellish time… I’m still afraid to even imagine it.”
Colonel Mayhem’s words were so gentle. I knew that the truth contained in them was only words that worried me.
“Try to start a family. Father Antonelli. Family is more helpful than you might think in healing emotional wounds.”
“… … .”
“Of course, it’s your freedom to get married, but… I’m just giving you advice. Don’t misunderstand.”
“Yes, I know.”
I unclenched my fist. Looking at me like that, Colonel Mayhem smirked and said.
“By the way, have you ever thought about attending?”
“What are you talking about?”
“The Phoenix Veterans Association is coming to an end. Our former Phoenix Battalion members are really looking forward to seeing you.”
“… Are you still collecting them?”
“That’s too bad. We have regular meetings. Didn’t I send you a letter recently? If you have time, please come by once.”
“I don’t remember receiving such a letter.”
“Did I write the address wrong…?”
Colonel Mayhem tilted his head. I chuckled at his foolishness.
“But is the address really wrong? Where is your house now?”
“Living in the faculty and staff dormitory of the Imperial Academy of Caldei.”
“Oh, shit. I misspelled it.”
I looked at Colonel Mayhem with a slightly bewildered expression, and he burst into laughter.
“By the way, out of nowhere, an academy? Are you going in as a student?”
“I am a professor of theology. How can I enter as a student at this age?”
“Hmm…? How old are you now?”
“I’m twenty-nine this year.”
“Wow… Time really flies. It’s so amazing.”
It was even more absurd. Just as I noticed the corners of my mouth rising, Colonel Mayhem pointed at me and smiled.
“You’re finally laughing. You were dead earlier.”
“Did I do that?”
“Okay. So, are you going to attend the veterans’ reunion?”
I tried to recall the faces of the Phoenix Battalion members who had fought together on the front lines. I could only vaguely recall their facial features, so it seemed like they would treat me as if I was seeing them for the first time even if I were to attend.
“… Let me think about it.”
“There are many friends who want to see you. Especially the soldiers who were treated by you.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. To them, you are a lifesaver.”
Well, me too. Colonel Mayhem smiled wryly. I took a sip of the water in my cup.
Looking at me like that, Lieutenant Colonel Mayhem asked.
“By the way, did you order a drink?”
“I only ordered water. Colonel Mayhem, you quit drinking too, didn’t you?”
“Oh my…. What are you talking about? On a day like this, you should drink alcohol. Employee!”
“No… .”
* * * * *
We stepped outside the restaurant, enjoying the warm atmosphere. The cool night air brushed past my slightly drunken body, making me shiver.
“Ugh… It’s been a while since I had seafood, so it wasn’t as bad as I thought… Next time, I’ll introduce you to a restaurant I know well.”
“… Okay. Okay. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay. I guess I should go in now. My wife might get mad.”
“Come on in.”
It felt a little awkward. I said goodbye to Colonel Mayhem and turned around.
“Father Antonelli! Please attend this reunion! I will send you a letter with the details! Of course! Of course! ”
The steps stopped for a moment, then started again. Colonel Mayhem’s voice was no longer audible.
The late evening hours were crowded. I hurried back to the dorm.
My steps gradually quickened. By the time I arrived at the academy, I was running at a nearly sprinting pace.
“Gasp… Huh… .”
I felt anxious about my breathing becoming ragged. I hurriedly searched through my pockets for my keys. I was annoyed that even though I tried to insert the key into the keyhole, it kept missing.
I barely managed to open the door and enter the dormitory, then ran to the bathroom, breathing heavily.
“Ugh, ugh… !”
I grabbed the toilet because my stomach was churning, but I couldn’t vomit anything out; only thick saliva flowed out of my mouth.
I touched my hand. My fingers were warm. They weren’t even wet.
“Then, then… . Why on earth… .”
Why do I feel so depressed?
Why can’t I shake off this feeling of being stuck? Even though I know the reason, I try to turn my head away and deny it.
I just sat down on the bathroom floor. Even though I wiped it with my sleeve, my vision kept getting blurry.
“Why… . Why on earth… .”
When I met Colonel Mayhem after a long time, he had overcome his old wounds and become a strong person. Seeing him like that was so hard to bear that I wanted to die.
I feel a bit annoyed at the old comrades who gather at the veterans’ reunion.
They shook off their wounds, their long-standing shame, their painful past. They looked to the future and began to move forward.
“Bam… ! Why, only me… .”
Why am I just standing still?
A croaking sound came out of my mouth. It was a sound I didn’t want to hear. I covered my ears.
“Me, me too… .”
I want to move forward, too. I want to throw away this painful past.
I was sinking. I was floundering in a sloppy swamp. In a remote place where no one could save me.
When I realized that, something inside me felt like it was falling apart. I… .
“Ugh! Huh… ! Hey, Helena… !”
At least, at least for today… .
I regret meeting you so badly.
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