episode_0027

I see no particular reason to like people. I’m the same way.

It was when I was in 8th grade.

“Oh my, Father, what brings you here…”

“Bring… bring the kid who’s been bothering Yuhee right now!”

I was often the target of ‘group exclusion,’ commonly known as bullying. I still don’t know why. It just felt like I was used as a sacrifice for someone’s self-display.

“….”

Upon my father’s shout, some teachers gathered around, while others gave me suspicious looks. I didn’t say anything, just that person came here on a whim. It was unfair.

“Who does he think he is.”

Anyway, I would just end up being swayed by what other teachers said and leave school without doing anything. No matter what I did, all I could do was pay attention.

Even when they came to pick me up, I felt no emotion. After all, I was an accident, a child no one wanted to be born, including the other party.

“I’m your father.”

When I heard those words, anger surged within me, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t beat this person anyway. Still, it was better to hear the sound of snoring in the orphanage than to sleep. This person didn’t snore.

Anyway, once I become an adult, I will immediately become independent. That would be best for both of us.

“I won’t leave until you bring him back.”

“….!”

Why go to such lengths when you could be reported for obstruction of duty…

In the end, I couldn’t defeat that person and waited in the office. I didn’t explicitly say who I was, but seeing only the parties involved coming down, they seemed to already know. Bad people.

“Are you guys with them?”

They didn’t respond, but looked at us with openly displeased expressions. It was too much. Surely they wouldn’t stir up trouble again.

Just give them a warning and send them back—

Thud.

Everyone, including me, was shocked. The girl sitting closest to that person staggered.

“Do that to our daughter one more time.”

“….”

For some reason, I felt an indescribable emotion. Instead of just a reprimand, seeing the main actor slap their cheek felt heroic in some way, making it oddly cool to me.

Since that day, I couldn’t look at my father properly. Something inside me kept averting my gaze.

I realized what that feeling was—love—after my gender identity was established, after entering high school.

~~~

“Ughhh…!!!!”

I thrashed around, but the fact that I had touched Yuhee remained unchanged. I embraced Yuhee naked, with an erection.

I wanted to throw something to calm this feeling, but it seemed like nothing would resolve it.

I wanted to kill myself.

“I’ve endured so well until now, why couldn’t I endure this!”

I didn’t want to open my eyes. I wished I would never open them again. If only it had never happened, if this were actually a dream, if a genie had appeared and made it all disappear.

“Sigh….”

But reality is reality. There’s no going back, no going to another world, no changing into a woman. Just the past a second ago, the present now, and the future a second later coexisting as time passes. In reality, things never change.

My mistake will never disappear.

“….”

I locked the door, so Yuhee wouldn’t come in. I dried off and slowly got dressed again. Putting on clothes didn’t change the turmoil in my mind.

I can’t face Yuhee. Relationships or such things are no longer important. Whether seen or not, they probably broke through the lowest point and set a Guinness World Record.

Staying at home feels like a death sentence. This space itself is thorny, not just the cushion.

She peeked through the door to confirm Yuhee had entered the room, then stepped outside.

“Sigh….”

Trying to avoid Yuhee, there’s nowhere to go. Even though I try not to breathe heavily, sighs escape involuntarily.

What does Yuhee think of me now? No matter what anyone says, I’m a criminal. Especially when I think of myself that way…

Walking along the road, taking a bus to the end, then walking further up the road leads to the mountain. If I walk along the mountain path, I’ll reach Gwanak Mountain. I decided to climb the mountain. Breathing in phytoncides might help a bit.

“I used to catch stag beetles and play around here.”

Predicting which stag beetle would win between the ones caught in the wild and the ones bought from a shop added to the excitement. Most of the time, the wild stag beetles won, but with rhinoceros beetles, the ones bought from the shop often emerged victorious. It seems raising their size was easier for rhinoceros beetles.

I walked a lot during the school walking competitions. It always took two hours to walk to Gwanak Mountain, and taking a taxi back was routine. Besides, the fare was only 1900 won back then, so even if it took a long time, it never exceeded 5000 won.

“Phew, this is tough.”

“Now that you’re old enough to die, don’t say such things lightly! Hahaha!”

“….”

It’s quite scary when elderly people past retirement age make such remarks. What if they really pass away like that… Well, it’s none of my concern.

“If that’s the case, I should have bought a drink at least.”

Even though it’s a forest with a cool breeze, summer is still summer. Sweat is already dripping, and once I get home, I’ll have to shower again—

“Sigh….”

Suddenly, I felt unwell again. I came out to forget, so what am I supposed to do now?

“Yuhee…”

I sit on a bench along the way. There are benches scattered around where you can sit. Of course, bugs crawl around, but I just couldn’t bring myself to walk any further.

I know all this is just killing time. It’s futile. I know even if I sincerely apologize, it won’t be accepted.

Still, I wanted to delay time even just a little. Today, I feel like staying out overnight. I wanted to escape that badly.

“Are you okay, young man? Why are you here alone?”

Feeling despondent, an elderly lady offered me water. Wearing leggings and a hiking bag, she seemed like she came from some club.

“Oh… Thank you. I’m just here for something.”

“Oh dear… no water, looking tired, you might collapse.”

“Hahaha….”

The water had solid ice inside. They say not to accept things from strangers, but I had no choice but to accept it.

“Wow… thank you. Thanks to you, I survived.”

“Drink it all. It was hard to dispose of anyway, so this worked out well.”

“Dispose of…?”

“Oh~ nothing at all.”

“Minju, Mom! Hurry up! We might get caught like this!”

“Oh, got it~ I’ll leave, young man~”

“Take care….”

Usually, when a husband calls, don’t wives respond with “honey” or “dear”? Life sure is complicated.

Thanks to the cool water, I felt energized. And I made up my mind.

“This can’t go on like this.”

No matter how much I run, I’ll eventually get caught. And it will leave a lifelong scar on Yuhee. Having already left my child behind, promising not to abandon them again, running away now would be betraying Yuhee once more.

“Gasp… gasp…”

Regaining composure, I ran back down towards Gwanak Mountain.

—

─We’re on a date.

─Because your dad loves you.

In the previous date, when I heard Dad’s true feelings, I gave up. I realized that Dad loves me as family, not romantically.

My feelings never reached him. When he caught me fantasizing about him, he pretended not to notice. Despite my attempts at seduction, Dad resisted fiercely.

Even when other women showed interest, he pushed them away. It seemed like I tried hard for Dad, but I guess it wasn’t enough.

─Yuhee…

When I revealed myself to Dad, he didn’t leave immediately; instead, he scrutinized my body. Though Dad himself may not have noticed, it was clear where his focus lay.

I didn’t want to miss this opportunity. If getting closer to Dad under the guise of revenge was possible, I didn’t mind. It felt a bit shameful to suddenly act friendly after ignoring him for so long.

It was embarrassing, but if Dad acknowledged me even slightly romantically, it was fine. If I could appeal to him sexually even a little, I would be satisfied.

─…!

When Dad embraced me, I was slightly flustered but also excited. The sensation of his warmth and his member pressing against my stomach was palpable.

I wanted to call out to the fleeing Dad, but I couldn’t muster the courage. I felt like I had done something wrong. Thinking Dad was panicking because of me, I berated myself.

Watching Dad struggle on the CCTV in the room pained me.

“If only I had just honestly said I liked him.”

If I had, Dad wouldn’t have to run away or leave the house. He wouldn’t have to endure such agony.

─Click.

I heard Dad leaving the house. What if he didn’t come back?

“Sob….”

Being rejected like this again. I wish I were adopted. Why was I born as Dad’s daughter…

“Come back, Dad… Don’t run away… I’m ready to accept everything…”

Was it an answer to my prayers? A ray of light descended upon me as I sobbed at the front door.

“…”

“…”

Perhaps due to the backlight, Dad looked even more radiant. His muscular form was visible through the sweat-soaked shirt.

I didn’t want to run away now. If I did, things might revert to how they were before, or worsen. Dad might avoid me.

And I might never get the chance to confess.

“Yuhee, I’m really sorry──ugh!?”

So, I decided to approach him first.