episode_0024

In the past, before I received my death sentence.

As I lived, there were times when I had this kind of thought.

“Why am I putting in so much effort?”

Why am I living like this?

Why am I striving to change other people’s perceptions?

It wasn’t a constant thought.

It was a question that arose from time to time as time passed.

In reality, it was a question for which I could provide an answer at any time.

Because I’m living.

After all, this is the life I’ve started living, regardless of the reason.

Rather than living while being reviled by everyone, it’s much better to live while interacting with others.

That was the answer to that question.

Because I considered that the life I’m living now as “Lian Trice” is ultimately my own life.

“But what about now?”

However, this assumption was only valid if I was confident that I had a future.

I had no future.

The remaining time was the one year that the doctor had pitifully pronounced, the only time left in front of me, even if it was at most a year.

That’s why I set a goal.

I set the absurd goal that made Labilaa shocked, “to live comfortably and die when it’s time to die.”

From the start, this goal itself was full of contradictions.

The standard for “comfortably.”

And the most appropriate “time to die.”

What criteria determine that?

No, did I even have the qualification to specify those criteria in the first place?

– What was the reason?

On the subject of not being able to come to a conclusion about the reasons for one’s actions.

I still haven’t realized the reason.

Even after pondering for a long time, I still didn’t realize it.

The reason for making Aria Trice, the younger sister of the character Lian Trice whom I possessed, cry.

The emotion that comes to mind at that moment.

It was just nonsensical gibberish that somehow it had to be that way.

It was truly nonsensical gibberish.

I vowed to live comfortably, yet I blatantly interfered with Aria, who has close ties to the characters in the original work.

Your expression tells me that you’ve received some kind of answer.

It’s like the subtle look Elena used to give me while leaving her words.

What on earth could that mean?

That I’ve received an answer just from my expression.

I still haven’t realized it.

Even though I, the one who was the subject of that action, still haven’t realized the reason for my actions.

What does Elena know?

No, what does my fiancée know?

“······Ugh.”

My head was spinning.

Unresolved issues were overlapping, confusing my thoughts.

Why did I say things to Aria that didn’t need to be said?

Why did I buy a meal for Damien, the original protagonist who would only become a nuisance when involved?

Saying you want to live comfortably.

Saying you’ll live comfortably until death comes knocking.

I must have made such a resolution.

For what reason have I been acting in direct opposition to living comfortably until now?

It felt strange.

Incredibly ironic, but I felt incredibly strange myself.

I felt like I wasn’t myself.

It felt like someone else had entered me.

‘······But that’s me.’

Even though I was the one who had possessed someone else’s body.

Even though I was pretending to be that person while possessing their body.

Once doubt begins, it spreads endlessly, didn’t it?

I don’t know who crafted this sentence, but perhaps it could resonate with anyone who starts to doubt.

Because questions that I’ve never once considered are now starting to flow into me one by one.

It felt subtle.

The fact that questions I’ve never considered are only now starting to arise felt so subtle.

Now?

After committing two contradictory actions already?

Was Elena the catalyst for these thoughts?

Or did these thoughts sporadically emerge simply because my mind was troubled?

I still haven’t realized it.

Even as the person sitting in front of me has transformed from Elena into the unsettled expression-wearing Elise, I still haven’t realized.

Is that why?

“······Elise Arkstra.”

“Have you finally realized who is standing in front of you?”

“What is your reason for living?”

I asked Elise, who was staring at me with an empty voice.

“······What? I think I misheard. Could you please repeat that?”

“I heard you correctly. What is your reason for living?”

“······Well, hold on. This is an unexpected question at a very unexpected time.”

Elise looked slightly flustered.

As if she didn’t expect me to ask such a question.

As if she didn’t expect to be in a situation where she had to answer this kind of question all of a sudden.

After pondering for a while, Elise cautiously spoke again.

“Alright. I am living to achieve my goals.”

“······Goals?”

“Yes. Isn’t that the case for most people living their lives? They have at least one goal.”

“···.”

“You also had a goal not too long ago. You obtained information about your own past by manipulating me as you pleased.”

Elise seemed to realize this fact now and said while staring at me.

“······True. I did.”

“Of course, it seems that’s all over now.”

I nodded quietly in response to Elise’s continued words.

She was right.

My goal until recently was to rectify all the events caused by the original character, Ryan Trice, in the story.

‘······A goal I’ve already achieved.’

As Elise said, it’s a goal I’ve already achieved now.

Achieved just one day before receiving a terminal diagnosis in the hospital.

Elise looked at me dumbly nodding and said,

“Now that I’ve answered your question, isn’t it your turn to answer mine?”

“···.”

“The question itself is about the things I’ve asked you about several times until now.”

“······Why did I suddenly change?”

“That’s right. The reason why you suddenly started rectifying your past rogue-like behaviors, and the reason why you’ve been diligently attending academy classes now.”

I’m still curious about that.

Continuing the passage, Alice stared at me quietly.

······The reason.

Lately, the number of people asking for my reasons has increased rapidly. Is it just my imagination?

Alice asked about the reason I’ve changed.

Labilaa asked about the reason my goal is “to die comfortably.”

Aria asked about the reason I went to the hospital.

And Elena, who read something in my expression even though I couldn’t answer her question about the reason.

Four people.

It might be a small number, but to someone, it could be quite a lot.

So far, during my time as Lian Trice, I haven’t interacted with more than ten people.

A relative number.

Relatively speaking, it was a considerable number.

And if there’s one thing these numbers have in common…

“Sorry, I can’t answer that yet.”

“···.”

I hadn’t given a truthful answer to anyone who asked for my reasons.

Not to Alice and Labilaa.

To Aria, I answered with the lie of a wrist injury.

Finally, I didn’t even have the chance to answer Elena.

Full of lies.

Perhaps concise words wouldn’t suit the current me.

As I pondered this, I heard a deep sigh in front of me.

“Sigh, forget it. I didn’t expect much anyway.”

“···.”

“I’m the fool for asking you questions. I knew it would be like this anyway.”

“······I’m sorry about that.”

“No, you don’t need to apologize. It gives me a goal in situations like this.”

“······A goal?”

A pure question, a pure doubt.

A goal because I didn’t give an answer?

With this pure doubt, I looked at Alice, and she responded with her distinctive red eyes sparkling.

“Yes. It’s a goal to eventually uncover your secret. It’s been added as one of my goals.”

“···.”

“It’s quite an honor, so you can be proud, right? You’ve been selected as one of my goals.”

“······Is that so?”

“Of course. You know how amazing I am, don’t you?”

Naturally, I did.

The fact that the original Ellis Arkstra was an impressive person.

She just didn’t express it directly.

Up until now, my relationship with Ellis had been purely business, exchanging information.

However, perhaps the situation had changed a lot.

Before I knew it, we were comfortably exchanging jokes and banter like we are now.

When did this start?

It must have been nothing at first.

It was natural to have such doubts.

“······Can I find a different goal?”

As a result, it was natural for such thoughts to arise.

Can I find one?

A different goal, a different meaning to live life.

Although there’s little time left.

Even though the remaining time is a very short year.

Living comfortably, living as I please.

Persisting in spending the remaining time pursuing a contradictory goal.

Wouldn’t even a meaningless person find meaning in living?

······I don’t know if it will happen before I die.

Suddenly, I had this thought.

And with the thought of not wanting this woman in front of me to catch on to it, I threw out a joke in a subdued voice.

“You’re quite something. Just because you got caught by a mere academy dropout, your true identity was exposed.”

“···.”

“And being held hostage by such a dropout and handing over information, you’re quite something.”

“······Expect that I’ll definitely get my revenge on you someday.”

Ellis, hearing my provocation, brushed it off.

I looked at her and lightly curved my lips.

A meaningful smile.

Slight, but at least it contained meaning.