episode_0013

This dream-like daily life. Living together through thick and thin with a close friend. That daily life back then, confessing love and promising a future with the woman I loved most. I knew it was incredibly happy and precious, but at the same time, I should have known that a happiness so great could be a dream that shatters easily. Why did I think this dream-like happiness would naturally continue? And even now, knowing she won’t return. Even now, knowing it’s foolish to wait for her alone on the rooftop where we always talked. Why am I still unable to let go of this lingering attachment, waiting endlessly for someone to come?

Honestly, I didn’t need to think for long to know. ‘Because I want to believe.’ That she’ll return. Because I wanted to believe that she wouldn’t just leave me unilaterally, but would at least say goodbye. It was a foolish thought. It was worse than a child’s thought, and I knew how pathetic it was that I was doing this. ‘If I think it’s pathetic, I should go immediately.’ Instead of going out alone to find them, I was just waiting endlessly for Kara and Roland on the rooftop. ‘Why am I doing this?’ I questioned myself. But I didn’t truly not know. Because I was doing this while already knowing the answer.

Whistling wind— As I endured the cold wind of Fallen, which would soon welcome winter, my mind grew faint. Skipping meals and sleep. Waiting ignorantly on the rooftop as if I wouldn’t care if I died right then, my physical strength had reached its limit. ‘It’s a foolish thing to do.’ They wouldn’t come anyway, even if I did this. There was no one to pity me for doing this, yet it was laughable that I was expecting and hoping someone would, someone would come.

“……” Why was I doing this? As I said earlier, I already knew the answer. I didn’t know at first, but I had been thinking about it for a whole week. Why I couldn’t stop Roland that day. Why I couldn’t stand up like an idiot, and why my legs involuntarily lost strength. While waiting for them, I had constantly tried to unravel that question, and now I knew the answer. I was afraid. Afraid that the future Roland spoke of would truly come to pass. Afraid of becoming a burden to Kara because of me. Afraid of being abandoned by Kara. Afraid of having a big fight with Kara and truly seeing her in someone else’s arms. Just thinking about that made my body tremble uncontrollably. Futures I desperately wished would never happen seemed like they might truly materialize because of my unnecessary interference. They were so terrifying that I couldn’t bring myself to move easily. But conversely, I also had this thought. Couldn’t I act with a little more courage? Couldn’t I just throw away my fear and go find them? But I couldn’t. It was impossible.

Swirling— The cursed power. This power that had been swirling around my body ever since Roland left was preventing me from doing so. It stopped me from being courageous, even when I wanted to be. Even when I wanted to get rid of my fear, if I let my guard down for even a moment, it made me recall the future I feared most. And it made me recall the day I futilely let Kara and Roland leave.

Slowly— In the end, I closed my eyes again. Amidst the raging winter wind, I was now completely frozen and unable to move, even my legs. ‘I’m really going to die.’ If I died, I wouldn’t be able to see Roland or Kara again. Strangely, at this very moment, the option of death didn’t seem bad. If I lived, I didn’t know when I’d see them, and I might never see them again. But at least the afterlife was said to truly exist, so if I died, I might be able to see my mother and father there. ‘He was called a great knight, wasn’t he?’ A knight who was respected by all, more heroic than a hero. He was so happy when I was in my mother’s womb, I want to see my father’s face just once. ‘It was my dream to become like my father.’ It was childish, but I had such a dream. ‘Mother too.’ I missed my mother too. And if I saw her again after dying, I wanted to kneel and apologize with tears. ‘I’m sorry.’ Sorry that she died because of me. If her son was going to end his life like this anyway, there would have been no need for her to sacrifice herself to save this useless son. That fact made me feel incredibly sorry to my mother. ‘If I see her in the afterlife, I must apologize.’ Before I knew it, my heart was leaning towards death. Enduring the bitter cold winter wind, my eyelids, having reached their physical limit, completely closed.

“………….” It was then.

Bang! A sudden loud bang began to be heard from below. “……?” My eyes naturally opened at the loud noise. At the same time, a faint warmth was felt, and from below, the creaking sound of old door hinges could be heard.

Creak- creak- creak- creak- ‘I locked the door, though.’ Why was the door open? As that question reached me, strangely, my frozen legs had thawed. ‘My legs can move?’ Why on earth? Before I could even think that, I heard a hallucination, as if someone was calling me.

[Agapé.] “…Who are you?” [……] There was no reply. ‘Whose voice is that?’ I thought about it, but I couldn’t guess who it was. It was a woman’s voice that felt somewhat mature; it sounded familiar yet completely new. One thing was certain, though. ‘It’s a very nostalgic voice.’ I didn’t know why, but it was a very nostalgic voice. Very much so.

Slowly— Naturally, I got up and climbed down the ladder. Then, frowning at the winter wind, I looked inside the wide-open, lit-up cabin. ‘The light is on?’ Surely the candles would have burned out already. Candles left unattended for a whole week would surely have burned down and lost their light, so where was this bright light coming from? With that thought, I stepped into the cabin.

Creak- creak- Bang! After closing the door, I looked around for the source of the light. Naturally, the candles were unlit. ‘Then where is it coming from?’ Thinking that, I searched for a long time, looking around for the source of the light.

Rumble— Light was emanating from a pile of papers inside a drawer. ‘It’s Roland’s map?’ It was Roland’s map. A massive map depicting the entire city of Fallen. It was also the map Roland had been using to find hidden secret passages throughout Fallen. ‘Why is light coming from here?’ When I actually held it, it wasn’t particularly dazzling, despite illuminating the entire cabin. “……” First, I unfolded the map.

A rustle— As I spread the map out on the round table, unfamiliar characters and drawings were haphazardly scribbled all over it. ‘Come to think of it, he said there were roughly 4,000 secret passages, didn’t he?’ As if to prove his words, there were an absurd number of check marks all over the map. ‘Roland must have deduced each and every one of these.’ He probably used his foresight to find the locations of all these numerous secret passages. ‘But why is light coming specifically from this map?’ The warm glow and subtle light were clearly created by divinity. The Prophet of Light wouldn’t have done this, so it must have been Roland. ‘Then he intentionally infused divine power into the map…’ No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t figure out his intention. ‘Should I take a look first?’ Curious about what kind of notes Roland had scribbled on the map, I slowly traced and read the words he had written. Each mark had text detailing information about the secret passage, and I read the ones written in very small script. Although there were thousands of check marks, I naturally didn’t read all of them. Because. “………….”

Rustle- rustle- rustle- For some reason, the information between the secret passages was connected, like one leading to another. Like untangling a complicated knot, I continued to read the written words, tracing with my finger, without realizing how tired I was. And then it was dawn. Dawn passed, and it became morning. The cold winter wind began to subside somewhat, and as the morning sun began to rise, I finally stopped reading. And then.

Thud— I collapsed onto the spot. Because at the very end, I had finally found the ultimate meeting place. “…Roland.” I called his name once. “What on earth are you thinking?” Today, more than ever, I wanted to see him. “What on earth were you thinking, writing the escape route on the map for me to see?”

The Royal Palace. The secret passage that ultimately connected to the Catacombs was in the alley in front of the Royal Palace. And including the escape route inside the Catacombs themselves. “…Roland.” I called his name once more. A spark of hope, which had been invisible, began to sprout in my heart. At the same time, my anxiety and fear for the future also disappeared.